Degenerate Friday!! Final Four Picks!

It’s finally here. No more trying to make up storylines. No more talk about expansion of the tournament (which is going to happen and is an AWFUL decision – but much like a Tiger Woods mistress, the NCAA will do anything for money). No more talk about if this is a bad Final Four – it doesn’t matter. These are the teams that won 4 games and are the only four that didn’t choke it away. And at the end of the day, any of the four could cut down the nets and it would not be a huge surprise. Butler is portrayed as the big underdog because they are the smallest school from the small town (Indy is not exactly a hick town, is it?) and the small conference, but they were a preseason top 10 team and have beaten higher seeded teams than Michigan State on their journey to the Final Four. So where do we put our betting money? Given my success thus far, my picks appear to be about as smart as Shawn Rogers carrying a loaded gun into airport security. Listen, I get forgetting things – I’ve gotten stopped multiple times for forgetting I had a water bottle in my bag – but you forgot a loaded gun? Why were you carrying a loaded gun? Like Vince Vaughn tells his boy Sue in Swingers: “What do you need a gun for? In case someone steps to you, Snoop Dog?”

It’s also the start of the baseball season this weekend, and since the weather has finally turned nice here in New York, there’s nothing better than that hope at the beginning of the baseball season for the 12 teams that have a chance at the playoffs and the 4 that actually could win it all. And at least the Brewers improved their chances of making the playoffs by finding an excuse to keep Jeff Suppan away from active pitching duty by placing him on the DL.

Game #1: Michigan State (+1) over Butler

Celebrity Doppleganger Matchup: Nikki Cox vs. Hilary Duff
The Spartans resemble Cox because you knew she had talent (Unhappily Ever After), she disappeared from your radar for a while, returned with authority (Las Vegas), then has irrevocably changed due to surgery. Michigan State had talent, disappeared in the middle of the season due to some chemistry issues, then has come back with authority in the tournament, only to be changed by an injury/surgery to Kalin Lucas. By the way – someone send a picture of the “new” Nikki Cox over to Heidi Montag as a warning as to where she’s headed.

Hilary Duff started out as a cute young Disney star (she laid out the path for the success of Miley Cyrus) and it’s hard to believe she is 23 and has been on numerous television shows and movies. Butler is still viewed by many as the small Disney feel good story when in reality, they are very talented and have made the leap to a regular on the Hollywood acting scene. And it’s not just because of her threesome scene on Gossip Girl with Jessica Szohr.

The Game:
This is an extremely hard game to predict because on paper, Butler has the advantage. Gordon Hayward is a match up nightmare for Michigan State and they also have Shelvin Mack to take advantage of Korie Lucas, which is where missing Kalin Lucas will be the most glaring. Butler also rebounds extremely well and does not allow teams to get transition baskets against them. The Bulldogs very much resemble a Big Ten team in terms of their stingy defense, average athleticism and disciplined offensive structure. That is an advantage for Michigan State which has been playing the majority of their season against teams with that exact same profile. Unfortunately for Butler, the home crowd will not be as much of a factor on Saturday as it would be on Monday when fans of the teams that lose Saturday night bail out of town and sell off their tickets to the locals which will likely be Butler fans. The biggest mismatch? On the bench where Brad Stevens is 88-14 in his 3 years on the bench, but is no match for the best game coach in the country, Tom Izzo. When it comes down to where to place your money, go with Izzo. Look for the Spartans to be back in the championship game for the second year in a row.

Game #2: West Virginia (+2) over Duke

Celebrity Doppleganger Matchup: Colin Farrell vs. Tom Cruise
Maybe I needed to use Tom Cruise because I saw Katie Holmes and their little girl, Suri, in a Le Quioden (it’s like an Au Bon Pan or Panera Bread and I’m sure I just misspelled it but I’m not looking it up – like you’d know the difference if I did) last night. There was a huge crowd of paparazzi at the door, setting up their cameras so they could get the shot when she walked out. She also had a sizeable and bad ass security team that was standing by the window where she was seated making sure everyone kept moving and took no pictures while she ate. Kind of left me with the feeling of “so you want to be a celebrity? You can’t even grab a sandwich without a team of security guards. That sucks.” Anyway, Duke is like Tom Cruise – had tremendous success, easy to hate for so many obvious reasons (like Cruise barely topping 5’6”), but you can’t deny they have talent.

West Virginia is a pretty good fit with Colin Farrell. They are foul-mouthed (have you ever heard a clip of Bobby Huggins at a practice? The guy makes the paint peel with his liberal use of profanity – it’s an art form to him), rugged, rough and tough. Yet they are immensely talented and have put on some pretty good shows. I’m personally a huge fan of The Recruit, enjoyed Phone Booth, and he was even in Minority Report with Tom Cruise.

The Game:
The key to the game will be West Virginia’s defensive ability to rough up the Duke shooters and prevent them from getting hot from beyond the arc. Their 1-3-1 zone will give the Blue Devils trouble, but could be a chance for Greg Zoubek to be a hero by taking advantage of his size mismatch inside against the smaller Joe Mazzulla, a task that All-American DeMarcus Cousins couldn’t do for Kentucky. I don’t think Coach K will put Kyle Singler on De’Sean Butler like he did against Baylor’s main scoring guard (LaceDarius Dunn) because it definitely impacted Singler’s offense and Duke will need all the scoring they can get. I expect Singler to be matched up with Kevin Butler who can be a threat from the inside and the outside. In the end, West Virginia’s height and stingy defense will be enough to carry them past the Blue Devils and on to the National Championship game. Get ready for Bobby Huggins and his Jersey Soprano-wannabe track suit on the biggest stage on Monday night.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 15 - Overexposed Celebrities

I don’t even know what to say about the Chris Henry situation. It’s such a tragedy for a guy who could not handle the fame and success early in his life, constantly putting himself in bad situations. However it appeared that he had finally turned a corner and had his life headed in the right direction. He leaves behind his fiancé (who obviously will be a mental wreck for the foreseeable future) and 3 young kids.

So let’s move on to happier things, like week 15 in the NFL or my picks from last week. Well, 8-7-1 is not exactly anything to celebrate, but it’s an improvement from the previous couple weeks. This week’s games are broken down into categories based on overexposed celebrities from the past year……and I left out plenty of them.

Standard disclosures as always: recreational use only, spreads from the NY Post, home teams in CAPS, etc.

The Gosselins Category
Before Tiger and Elin’s failing marriage, most of 2009 was focused on the collapse of the Jon and Kate Gosselin. For some reason, the media couldn’t get enough of the media-whoring couple with Kate getting a makeover to enhance her on-screen appearance and Jon believing that he was a celebrity. In the end, it’s just a poor situation for the unfortunate 8 kids. At least the porky Jon still has his Ed Hardy t-shirts and shades to make him feel famous. These games are bad matchups (like the Gosselins) and like their finally cancelled show, no one is paying attention to them.

Browns (+1.5) over CHIEFS
I’m fearful of the Browns having a letdown (first time that has ever been said?) after their emotional win over the Steelers. However, Brady Quinn is trying to prove that he can be a viable NFL quarterback (he can) and Eric Mangini is trying to audition for his next job since Mike Holmgren is going to fire him. The Chiefs are terrible and have to be wondering if they made a “Scott Mitchell” sized mistake in signing Matt Cassell to a long-term deal.

Texans (No Line) over RAMS
This game could not be much less interesting. I think Keith Null is starting at quarterback again for the Rams, so that’s enough for me to take the Texans and Andre Johnson to blow them out.

SEAHAWKS (-7) over Buccaneers
The Seahawks have been better at home this season, and the Bucs are getting in position to draft Ndamukong Suh with the top pick. The Seahawks will latch on to a couple of these late season wins over bad teams as a reason for a hopeful future the same way Jon Gosselin believed hanging out with Michael Lohan made him famous.

The Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Category
They’ve been a strange fascination for the country ever since Tom jumped on Oprah’s couch. The couple has always had a strange vibe to them, as if Tom had brainwashed Katie and she had become his Stepford Wife. And once they brought Suri into the mix, the tabloids were always around as Katie tried to show how normal the family was. The couple is a mismatch from both a looks and a talent standpoint. Tom is the more talented professional with a long line of successful movies and Katie’s highlight was Dawson’s Creek. However, Katie is far and away the one blessed with the looks. In this matchup, it’s easy to root for one of them, and it’s not Tom Cruise. And can we please stop with the ridiculous blended names? Brangelina? TomKat? Enough. These games are bad match-ups as well, with one playoff-bound team against a team from the bottom of the league.

Patriots (-7) over BILLS
The Patriots haven’t won on the road yet this season (London against the pathetic Bucs doesn’t count), and the Bills should have beat the Patriots in Gillette Stadium in Week 1. So why would I want to lay 7 to these plucky Bills? Because the Pats running game is better than people realize (118+ yds/game) and the Bills run defense is awful – worst in the league. Brady won’t even need Moss this week.

Cardinals (-12) over LIONS
Arizona will rebound from from their turnover-fest against the Niners and will destroy the Lions who are likely playing without Kevin Smith or Matthew Stafford. This game could end up being as boring as Vanilla Sky.

EAGLES (-9) over 49ers
The Niners are traveling to the east coast on a short week after an emotional Monday night win and have an early start time. The 1:00 start in Philly is 10:00 for the mental clocks of San Francisco. Add in the fact that the Eagles are more talented and this seems like it’s gold, Jerry. Gold. The Eagles dynamic offense will continue to stack up huge yards and points, distancing themselves in the NFC East.

Vikings (-9) over PANTHERS
A win in this game will lock up the division for the Vikings, and if the Saints slip up against the Cowboys on Saturday night, they will still have a shot at home field advantage. Either way, their defense will be able to slow the running game of the Panthers, meaning Carolina will be relying on Matt Moore. Enough said.

The Jessica Simpson Category
When was the last time she came out with an album? September 2008, and it was a country album. Yet she has been on the cover of every weekly rag mag – US Weekly, OK!, People, etc – 3,432,917 times during 2009. She’s dating John Mayer, now she’s not. She’s dating Tony Romo, and now she’s not. She put a curse on Tony Romo. Now she’s even been linked to Tiger. Enough already – yes, we enjoy your “talents” but we don’t care that you can’t find love. You probably had it with Nick Lachey and you let your crazy father run your life and career into the ground. We want to root for you, Jess, we do. But you just need to lay low, stay out of the headlines and focus on singing, it’s the only thing other than filling out a dress you do really well.

JETS (-6) over Falcons
The Falcons will likely still be without Matt Ryan and Michael Turner, which will make it a challenge against the top-ranked Jets defense. The Falcons will also be leaving the friendly confines of a dome for the cold weather at the Meadowlands, where temps are expected to be in the 20’s.

Packers (+2) over STEELERS
The Steelers have blown their shot at the playoffs, and if the Browns defense could dominate their offensive line, the Packers dynamic defense will destroy them. Without Troy Polamalu in the secondary, the Steelers pass defense has been very average, which does not bode well with Aaron Rodgers playing extremely well. If Green Bay can establish the run early, they should be able to keep their strong grip on the #5 seed in the NFC.

Dolphins (+3) over TITANS
This was the second-hardest game to pick this week. The Titans are still playing hard and playing as well as anyone in the league. However, the Dolphins are the more desperate team as they fight for the final playoff spot in the AFC. With Vince Young likely out and Kerry Collins back at the helm, the Dolphins can put all of their focus on containing Chris Johnson, which should be enough to get it done for Miami.

RAVENS (-11) over Bears
Baltimore took out quite a few frustrations on Detroit last week, and now they get another subpar team to pound on. They need every win to get themselves into the playoffs and they will come out and show they want it against Chicago. The Bears have laid some big eggs this year, getting blown out Cincy, Arizona & Minnesota. This one could be uglier than Jessica Simpson in those strange high-waisted pants.

Giants (-3) over REDSKINS
The Giants have to win this game to stay in the playoff hunt. Despite their defense playing awful and the Redskins offense playing better, New York will be ready to rally. Big Blue still has the 4th best rushing offense in the NFC and combined with their big receivers, Eli should be able to orchestrate some points. Redskins at least got the Monday night focus off of their pitiful season and on to their coaching search. Gruden has supposedly turned down Bruce Allen already and it looks like Mike Shanahan will bring his awkwardly tanned face to the sidelines in Washington next year.

The Lindsay Lohan Category
She has been an actress since she was a little girl and was thrust into the spotlight as an attractive young woman. Someone then introduced her to booze and coke, which it turns out was a bad decision. Amazingly that has not worked out very well for her career or her looks. She’s 23 years old, but has the face of a 50 year old. And yet, despite her being a train wreck, you feel bad, but at the same time, it’s entertaining to try and see what she does next. These games are the only games this week between teams that would currently be in the playoffs if they started today.

SAINTS (-7) over Cowboys
The Superdome will be rocking as the Saints saw the Colts get to 14-0, and now have their chance to match. The Saints offense will be able to slice through the Ware-less Cowboys defense and put plenty of points on the board. The Cowboys have not fared well in December yet again, but this year, it’s more the schedule than the lack of execution by the Cowboys. If the Cowboys bring their “Lindsay Lohan on the cover of GQ in 2004” game to the field on Saturday night, they have a chance to pull the upset and make a national statement. Yet, Wade Phillips is the cocaine that turns Lindsay from 2004 to 2010. Sorry Dallas, it is the year of the Saints……well, except for Letterman, Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian.

Bengals (+6.5) over CHARGERS
This was the hardest game of the week to pick, as the Chargers are on fire, but the Bengals now have the emotional motivation of the Chris Henry tragedy. The Bengals are talented and with the extra emotion involved, should come out to play this game in honor of their late teammate. The Chargers are the better team and will beat the Bengals if they see them in the playoffs, but on this day at this time, they don’t have as much to play for.

NFL Power Rankings - 80's Movies

The NBA tipped off last night, the World Series starts tonight, the NFL season is almost at the midway point, and Halloween I this weekend. Halloween - the holiday that gives girls an excuse to dress up as a slutty (fill in the blank). It’s also the holiday when the characters that hang out in the subways and certain parts of Chelsea or Boys Town fit in with the rest of the crowd.

Word on the street is that Philly is trying to come up with a musical act to play before game 3 of the World Series to counteract Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes tonight. Not sure what Philly’s options are……Boyz II Men? Hall & Oates? Can you imagine the crowd getting pumped up to “Maneater” or “Private Eyes”?

Started looking through costume ideas and it seems the hot costumes this year were the stars of the 80’s that died during the year – Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett. So this week’s power rankings are broken into tiers based on the top movies during the 80’s based on worldwide box office sales. Had to leave out some great movies, unfortunately: Beverly Hills Cop, Batman, Crocodile Dundee and Back to the Future II. Without further ado……..

The “Top Gun” Tier
The quintessential movie of the 80’s, these are the top teams in the league. These are the teams that could grab the microphone in any bar and belt out “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and the rest of the bar would join in. They could land Kelly McGillis, and play beach volleyball and not get a grain of sand stuck on them. The movie had a great cast, with Cruise, Kilmer, Edwards, McGillis, Robbins &Meg Ryan – and these teams have great casts.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – A great comeback win over Miami to cement the fact that they can overcome adversity. And now Reggie Bush says he thinks the Saints can go undefeated the entire season. He also said once he wins the NFL MVP award, it will vindicate him against all the negativity he has faced so far in his career. Now we know why he & Kim Kardashian are a good couple – similar intelligence and lack of talent.

2. Colts (2) – They were supposed to destroy the Rams, and they did. They continue to roll through the league with a precision and workman-like approach.

3. Broncos (5) – Coming off their bye, they get another stiff test by going to Baltimore. Something tells me that after the game, they’ll be able to chomp their gum in Ray Lewis’s face and say, “That’s right. Ice….man. I am dangerous.”

4. Steelers (7) – Their defense pulled them through a tough game against the Vikings, and they’ve now won3 straight games after the 1-2 start. The offense is clicking, and the defense has returned to its dominant self from last season. No truth to the rumor that they requested permission to buzz the tower during their bye week.

5. Vikings (3) – The Viking luck finally ran out against the Steelers, and suddenly they look in their rearview mirror and they have a MiG on their tail in the Packers. A loss this week in Green Bay would drop them into a tie for the division lead after their strong start.

6. Patriots (8) – Ho-hum, another week, another terrible team destroyed. This time after a long overnight flight to London. The Pats offense is humming right now, and in no small part because Wes Welker appears to be fully healthy. Bill Belichick is the commander who gets the coffee spilled on him during the fly-by. “Dammit that’s twice! I want some butts!”

The “Rainman” Tier
Proving Tom Cruise was a legend in the 80’s, here’s another of his greatest hits. Like Raymond Babbitt (Dustin Hoffman), these teams are quirky, and have some issues, yet still have the ability to be dominant – like Ray counting the toothpicks in the jar.

7. Bengals (9) – That was the definition of a beat-down that they put on the Bears. Old-school, ran over them, threw over them, and created a ton of turnovers. Now they get a bye week before facing the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.

8. Giants (4) – There are some legit concerns about whether the Giants pumped themselves up with a weak schedule in the first 5 weeks of the year. After their second straight loss to a good team – first in New Orleans, then home against the Cardinals – the questions are starting to get asked about the offense and the defense.

9. Eagles (16) – Probably didn’t deserve this big of a jump after beating the hapless Skins, but they do appear to be on a roll. The only blemish on the week was Westbrook getting the Christ Tucker in “Friday” treatment (“You got knocked the F#ck out!”). We will know a lot more about this team after the Giants game this week. Another Philly-New York battle. The red-headed stepchild teams from Philly match up pretty well with their big brothers in the city. Although this is the Giants first chance for revenge on McNabb for his phone-call-on-the-sidelines antics of the playoffs last year.

The “Return of the Jedi” Tier
There is only one team that fits into this category – The Green Bay Packers. In case you haven’t heard, Brett Favre makes his return to Lambeau on Sunday. And based on what he did the first half of the Jets season last year and thus far with the Vikings, Favre is showing he is more than Mark Hamil – capable of performing in more than one role. The reason this was one of the greatest movies in the decade? Because of the Ewoks. What other movie had those funny, furry little guys for entertainment? And didn’t it seem like the Ewoks and Chewbacca should have been able to communicate better?

10. Packers (11) - The Packers have tuned up by crushing pathetic teams in the Lions and Browns, so they come in ready. Will they be able to block Jared Allen better this time around? If not, Rodgers is going to look like Amy Winehouse again after the game.

The “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial” Tier
This was the #1 movie of the decade. It was a story of a lost alien, and the teams in this category, may not be aliens, but they definitely have bouts of being lost. They have had some “Ouch” moments and they seem to play better at home. They have some flaws, but also have the ability to make the bike fly past the moon at the right time.

11. Cardinals (15) – Well, after they beat down the Giants in the Meadowlands, it appears they found some of that alien power that had taken over their defense during their Super Bowl run last year. The offense is capable, even with a banged up Boldin, and the attacking defense has found a rhythm. They’re now in position to take control of a division that it appeared the 49ers were all over.

12. Cowboys (19) – Romo Pyle and Austin Miles appear to have learned to communicate like Elliot and ET lately. The Cowboys have looked like the team they thought they would be, and beating the Falcons was a very impressive victory. They now get the weak Seahawks at home to continue their hot streak, and continue to build Romo Pyle’s confidence. His play right before the half - dodging, ducking and finally finding Crayton in the endzone was the type of play that raised expectations for him in the first place.

13. Falcons (6) – That was a concerning loss to a Cowboys team that was floundering a little before that game. It was obvious that their banged up secondary is a problem that could keep them from being among the top teams. Huge test this week with the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints can put a strangle hold on the division with a win, and the Falcons can prove they will have staying power like Drew Barrymore after ET.

14. Ravens (13) – Coming off a bye week, they need to right their ship in a bad way, and face a tough Denver team in Baltimore. A chance to prove that they are the team in the beginning of the year, and not the team the past 3 weeks.

15. Jets (14) – Pretty sure Sanchez just cemented his first sponsorship deal with Oscar Mayer. Everyone wanted to know where he got it, but I’m pretty sure Rex keeps a solid stash of hot dogs, Skittles, M&Ms, Cheetos, and Milk Duds nearby at all times. More importantly, the Jets did what almost seemed impossible, making the Raiders actually bench Fatso Russell.

16. Chargers (20) – It’s not overly impressive to slaughter the Chiefs, but they have the talent to play with anyone in the league. It just seems Norv Turner has no ability to fire up his team. Maybe he and his brother Ron (see #19 below) can wait in the unemployment line together during the off-season.

The “Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom” Tier
The second of the Indiana Jones movies – and while Raiders of the Lost Ark was far and away the best of the three movies, this one has the title that’s most appropriate for these teams. Teams that are in the Temple of Doom, with the ability to make the playoffs, but their lack of consistency could be their eventual doom. Is Harrison Ford the greatest actor of all time? I think he has a really strong case for it. The dude was in 2 trilogies that dominated the 80’s, the Tom Clancy movies in the 90’s (Patriot Games, Clear & Present Danger) among other great hits. If you just forget that time when he got an earring and pretended he wasn’t as old as he actually was, it’s been an amazing career.

17. Texans (17) – Well they finally broke out on the upside of .500 and immediately are being questioned whether they can sustain it. Matt Schaub is putting up tremendous numbers, leading the league in TDs (16) and yards (2,074) while being 4th in the league in QB rating (104.4). But even with those stats, would you want him with the ball in his hands when you need a game-winning drive? Schaub might be Warren Moon 2.0.

18. 49ers (10) –What’s the biggest difference between Alex Smith and Michael? Alex Smith is happy to have VD. (that’s Vernon Davis, Hildo). I hope for Smith’s sake that he is able to take this chance at a career rebirth and run with it – otherwise he can take his position among the biggest busts: JaMarcus Russell, Tim Couch, Michael Vick & Scarlett Johansson.

19. Bears (12) – What an embarrassment against the Bengals. Is Lovie Smith going to be on the hotseat? If he doesn’t find a way to be better now that he has his supposed franchise quarterback, he will be. Having the Browns come to town is a nice way to lower the heat on his seat. Ron Turner can't turn down the heat - he's getting fired. He got his QB and has not had success, while his rejects (Orton & Benson) are lighting the league on fire.

20. Jaguars (21) – MJD is the Short Round of the Jags. I wonder if he’s going to accuse the Commissioner of cheating? Did you know Short Round was also in Goonies, and was in 22 episodes of “Head of the Class”?

The “Rambo: First Blood Part II” Tier
These are the teams that are doing battle while short-handed and facing long odds for success. Not sure any of these teams have the ability of John Rambo to pull off the impossible, but the tagline for the movie “What most people call hell, he calls home” is appropriate for all these teams.

21. Dolphins (18) – Team Wildcat put up a valiant fight against the Saints, but will not be able to take the next step with Ted Ginn dropping passes all over the field. The running game continues to be dangerous, with Ricky Williams running like someone stole his pipe.

22. Bills (24) – Are we supposed to be impressed that they beat the Panthers when they had 12 guys on defense and the Panthers only had 10 guys on offense. Wait, Jake Delhomme plays for the Panthers? Could have fooled me……and the Bills.

23. Seahawks (22) – Continuing a trend of playing well when you count them out, but once you build conviction, they match up about as well as Sylvester Stallone next to anyone over 5’4”.

24. Panthers (23) – John Fox is considering benching Delhomme. Considering? Then again, he knows he’s getting canned after the season, so maybe he’s just having some fun and wants to see how many INTs he can throw in one season. It’s the equivalent of lighting the house on fire before Bill Cowher has to come in and try to put out the fire and see if there are any salvageable parts.

The “Ghost Busters” Tier
The movie boasts a power line-up of big name actors and actresses going along with a ridiculous storyline. It’s entertaining because you have a couple of stars like Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis providing funny moments, but overall, it’s not a cinematic masterpiece. There is some talent in this tier (Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Chris Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, etc.), but these teams are a joke. The house has been getting crushed this season because they can’t make the spreads wide enough when these teams play any of the top teams in the league. It means a couple things – we’re going to start seeing some college-football-style 20+ point spreads in the very near future, and the gambling apocalypse is coming. At some point, the underdogs are going to have a week when they cover or win and all of us that continue to pound the favorites are going to get crushed. It’s coming. Be warned.

25. Lions (25) – They remain the tallest midget of this group. Stafford looks like he might be ready to return to the line-up, which should bode well for them to have a chance to cover a couple spreads and steal a couple victories in the second half of the year.

26. Browns (26) – Hard to believe this team is better than 6 other teams. SIX. And this team is horrendous. The Browns have scored 6 or fewer points in 4 of their 7 games – including winning one of those games. Awful, and pretty obvious that the Browns are not going to play Brady Quinn to ensure he doesn’t reach his playing time quota to get a sizeable performance bonus.

27. Raiders (26) – So much for that playoff prediction by Richard Seymour. They finally benched Shamoo Russell, but it’s not like Bruce Gradkowski is exactly a huge upgrade. They are the Lindsay Lohan of the NFL – a total train wreck that somehow continues to stay in the news even though no one really cares any more.

28. Chiefs (29) – Exhibit #356,731 why athletes without any education should be restricted from using Twitter: Larry Johnson. Hey Turner brothers, save a place for LJ in the unemployment line.

29. Titans (28) – Sure LJ, they’ll hold a spot for you right next to Chuck Cecil. And Chuck might be holding a spot for Jeff Fisher, since the Titans owner is now demanding to see why he’s paying Vince Young a boatload of cash. Can Vince have an Alex Smith-like revival of his career? He doesn’t have VD, but he does have a fast Johnson (Chris).

30. Redskins (30) – There really isn’t anything else to say about the most messed up situation in the entire league. They’ve surpassed the Raiders as the biggest circus in the league. If Snyder really wants to produce a winner, he needs to clean house completely and turn it all over to Mike Holmgren or Mike Shanahan. Zorn has effectively become everyone in the Ghost Buster movie that gets slimed.

31. Buccaneers (31) – Maybe its Gozer the Gozerian that is causing the Bucs to be so pathetic. Or maybe it’s a general lack of talent. Might as well start the Josh Freeman Era inTampa because if you’re going to crash, you might as well go down in flames.

32. Rams (32) – Steven Jackson continues to put up 100 yard performances without touchdowns and the team continues to get blown out, week after week, only putting up an average of 8.6 ppg. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re permanent owners of the basement, St. Louis Rams.

NFL Power Rankings - Post Week 3

A couple quick thoughts before getting to the rankings after 3 weeks of football……

First, how freaky was the weight lifting accident with USC RB Stephon Johnson? Yikes – I guess this supports Squirrel’s anti-exercise regime. Thankfully it appears he’s going to survive and they think he could eventually play again.

Second, while there is no doubt Ron Artest is legitimately crazy, he is entertaining. Especially when he asks the TMZ guy if he talks to God.

On to the rankings, where this week, I’ve grouped the teams into five categories based on actors/actresses.

Tier I: Matt Damon Category – “How do you like them apples?”

The teams in this category are the class of the league, well-rounded and capable of success with their offense, defense and special teams – like Damon is successful in comedies (Ocean’s Eleven, Good Will Hunting), action (Bourne series) or drama (The Rainmaker)

1 – Giants (last week: 1) – Nothing changes after destroying a bad Tampa team without a whole bunch of defensive starters. While the Jets steal the headlines, Tom Coughlin’s boys just keep chugging along.

2 – Ravens (2) – Maybe the most well-rounded team in the league with a QB that looks like Bert from Bert & Ernie (credit to Mike Florio) really establishing himself as a weapon. The Good Will Hunting of the group – some good comedy, great story line, and an underdog story.

3 – Colts (4) – They almost make it look easy despite tough travel, losing WRs to injuries, etc. They’re like the movie Rounders – you can watch it over and over again, and you’re still impressed when Mikey busts KGB’s tell.

4 – Saints (3) – The Saints were The Departed last week – still dominant even though Brees allowed someone else (Pierre Thomas) to be the headliner. It will be a big test for the offense this week against the Jets.

5 – Vikings (6) – After the Favre miracle – the question was who gets the credit, Favre or Lewis? Who cares? It was an amazing play, and that old man can still make things happen…….sometimes good and sometimes bad.

6 – Jets (8) – They continue to make me look like an idiot with my preseason predictions for them, and Mark Sanchez isn’t a star-in-the-making, he’s already a star. Like The Rainmaker, underrated at the beginning of the year, and helped by a fat guy who talks as much as he eats – though Rex is double the height of Devito.

7 - Patriots (9) – They haven’t lost back-to-back games in 3 years – that’s an impressive streak. Flexed their running game muscles against the Falcons and now have another chance to make a statement against the Ravens.

8 – Chargers (10) – The Legend of Bagger Vance team in San Diego. A little inconsistent, and I probably wouldn’t stop to watch it flipping channels on a Tuesday night, and yet it’s not a bad movie/team. They seem to be finding their way without LT or Jamal Williams.

Tier II: Vince Vaughn Category – “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet.”

These are teams capable of getting to the Super Bowl if they can solve a minor problem that might hold them back. Highly entertaining teams – like Vince Vaughn, but they have limitations. Vince is a comedy legend, but struggled in anything else (Psycho & Clay Pigeons). Thankfully Vince recognized he’s best when he can freelance, and I’m hoping that’s what he does in Couples Retreat.

9 – Falcons (5) – Like Swingers, the best of the group, despite the Falcons ugly blip last week against the Pats (like the scene where Mikey continues to leave messages on the girl’s answering machine).

10 – Packers (11) – Couldn’t tell much after beating the Rams, but it seemed the game stayed close for too long. Overall talent of Rodgers, Jennings, Grant and Driver was too much for the Rams. This week will tell plenty going into the Metrodome to take on the Viqueens.

11 – Eagles (16) – They’re like The Break-Up – not just because the fair-weather fans are ready to dump McNabb after Kolb beats up a pathetic Chiefs team – but because they’re utterly unwatchable after the first 15 minutes – they’ve blown out the Panthers and Chiefs and been blown out by the Saints.

12 – 49ers (12) – Much like Dodgeball, they’re an underdog story. They beat the Vikings, but made the mistake of getting too conservative at the end and it left too much time on the clock for Favre.

13 – Bengals (18) – Sure seems like they’re the real deal and are only a fluke play against Denver away from being 3-0. Like Anchorman, they seem to grow on you the more you watch them – the defense is solid and the offense can score.

14 – Bears (19) – Got a very good win at Seattle last week, and now have a sneaky tough game against the “streaking” Lions.

15 – Steelers (7) – You have to believe they’ll straighten it out because they have an Old School coach. However, the Steelers had a serious hangover after their last Super Bowl, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs. Now, finishing .500 isn’t as bad as waking up missing a tooth with Mike Tyson’s lion in your bathroom, but missing the playoffs after winning the championship is ugly.

Tier III: Tom Cruise Category – “That’s right! Ice…..man. I am dangerous.”

These teams have the ability to play with the top teams in the league, but much like Tom Cruise, while entertaining at times, if they have to stand up, they just won’t be on the same level. Yet they still have a chance to put out a Mission Impossible on random weeks.

16 – Cowboys (13) – Beating an inept Panthers team and potentially losing another RB if Felix Jones can’t go for a couple weeks could hurt the best running team in the league. Like Valkyre, there was a ton of hype surrounding it, but people aren’t buying it.

17 – Broncos (17) – Much like Jerry Maguire, I need the Broncos to “Show me the money!” I still just don’t believe this team is that good, even though they are 3-0. However their schedule gets a little rough in the next couple weeks (DAL, NE, SD, BAL, & PIT), and I would think they’ll be happy to be 4-4 after that stretch.

18 – Texans (14) – Crushed my Lock of the Week against the Jaguars, continuing their rollercoaster of winning when they shouldn’t and losing when they should.

19 – Cardinals (21) – Kind of like Eyes Wide Shut – it’s sad and disturbing to watch Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (he’s like 3 feet shorter than her), and it’s sad and disturbing to watch Kurt Warner get really old right before our eyes.

20 – Seahawks (23) – From Days of Thunder, “Rubbing’s racing, Harry” – as the Seahawks are the walking wounded. I should drop them lower simply for those hideous lime green jerseys. What’s the deal with people in the Northwest (Oregon & Seattle) being okay with neon uniforms?

21 – Titans (15) – They want the truth, but can they handle the truth, which is they are 0-3, and it’s going to be a very uphill battle to make the playoffs. At what point do they have to consider playing Vince Young to see if he’s worth keeping for the future?

Tier IV: Megan Fox Category – I’m not even trying to put in a quote from her

She’s easy on the eyes until she opens her mouth. These teams are just generally disappointing and overhyped much like any movie Megan Fox is in. In case we forgot, we already have a crazy movie star with a great body and serious DSL’s – it is Angelina Jolie.

22 – Bills (19) – The inevitable TO meltdown is only a few more weeks away, though I applaud his efforts to not throw people under the bus anymore. Yet I still think the reason he’ll behave is that he’s on a one year contract and the only way to get paid next year is to be a good soldier this year.

23 – Jaguars (27) – MJD can carry them to a couple more wins, but this still isn’t a very good team.

24 – Dolphins (22) – I feel bad for Pennington after another season-ending injury, as he seems like a genuine hard-working guy. This is just not a very good team and without the surprise of the gimmick offense this year, the lack of talent is being exposed.

25 – Panthers (26) – The only Megan Fox movie I’ve heard of is Transformers, so guess it’s appropriate given Jake Delhomme has transformed from a reliable NFL starter to the butt of jokes. Blame the INTs against the Cowboys on whomever you want; it’s still 2 more INTs.

Tier V: Keanu Reeves Category – “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style.”

Terrible. Nothing more needs to be said. The guy is a horrendous actor and these teams are an embarrassment.

26 – Lions (30) – Finally off the schnide, so I’m moving them to the top of the trash heap. Basically, they are the tallest midget of this group.

27 – Redskins (25) – They have a chance to drop even lower in the rankings after playing Tampa this weekend. It’s not a Keanu Reeves movie, but Dead Man Walking is the most appropriate since the odds of Jim Zorn making it past week 5 are almost non-existent.

28 – Raiders (24) – It’s like the Matrix in that everyone’s confused by what’s going on and yet, it’s someone entertaining in a pathetic way.

29 – Chiefs (28) – Todd Haley is as intense as Al Pacino in Devil’s Advocate, and it doesn’t appear to be driving his team to any success.

30 – Buccaneers (29) – After benching Fat Albert, maybe they should bring in Shane Falco, although Raheem Morris is no Gene Hackman.

31 – Rams (32) – They move up one spot by default to make room at the bottom for the most pathetic team in the league. The Rams still suck – pick any movie as a comparison – Sweet November, Feeling Minnesota, A Walk in the Clouds, etc – yeah, he’s made a lot of terrible movies.

32 – Browns (31) – Now the team has allegedly quit on Mangini, but why wouldn’t they? The Browns are like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – they haven’t been relevant since the late 80’s.