Degenerate Friday - Wildcard Weekend!!

Congrats to Alabama on their national championship. I was all set to run another picture or five of Colt McCoy’s girlfriend, but instead you’ll have to deal with a picture of the Alabama elephant. Can anyone explain to me why “Crimson Tide” is equated to an elephant? I mean, the school is in the south, and based on a random sampling of SEC girls (google Florida Gator girls or Tennessee Vols girls, etc.) their fans are nowhere near elephants. Pretty sure the injury to McCoy just adds more questions about his pro potential. Yes, he’s won more games at QB than anyone in history, but what does that mean? Second on that list is David Greene from Georgia and he’s now playing quarterback for……..exactly. I think he’ll be lucky to be drafted in the third round because he reminds too many people of Chris Simms or Major Applewhite. And to the credit of freshman Garrett Gilbert, he settled down and brought the Longhorns back into the game, but was still owned by the Alabama defense when it mattered the most. Mark Ingram is now the 4th guy to win the Heisman and the national championship on an undefeated team, joining Charles Woodson (foreshadowing for later), Tony Dorsett and Matt Leinart.

Using the momentum of calling the national championship game correctly, let’s dig right into the matchups this wildcard weekend for the NFL. No, it doesn’t feel cheap to cash that Bama ticket after the McCoy injury. Tila Tequila should feel cheap for posing for photos a few days after her fiance dies. Gambling winning should never feel cheap – cash that ticket!! I’m feeling good and expecting to go unbeaten throughtout the playoffs. Following last weekend’s 9-0 mark in the early games, why not shoot for the perfect 11-0 record in the playoffs?

BENGALS (-2.5) over Jets

Two trains of thought here: (1) A rookie QB on the road and (2) everyone has bought into the Jets as the click to pick. Even as I type this, I’m losing my conviction in the pick, but I will not waffle. The Bengals are playing horrible, but the teams have almost equally strong run games and strong defenses. The Jets have the top rushing attack, but the Bengals are 9th in the league in rushing. The Jets are 31st in passing and the Bengals are 26th. The difference is that Carson Palmer is capable of making a big play if needed, and he has the receivers in Ochocinco and Coles that will not drop the ball (that’s a shot at you Braylen Edwards). I expect Mark Sanchez tobe as stable as Mariah Carey accepting an acting award when he’s playing on the road in cold, snowy and windy conditions with the Cincy crowd pumped up to try and help the Bengals win their first playoff game in 20 years. I’m also a strong believer that when all of the media and public jumps on one team, go the other way. The Jets ARE built for the playoffs with a great running game and great defense. But like I just said, those are also the strengths of the Bengals.

Eagles (+4) over COWBOYS

Andy Reid is 7-0 in opening round playoff games. Wade Phillips is 0-4 in the playoffs. Romo has never won in the playoffs. There are just too many trends here to ignore. I still do not understand why the Eagles decided not to blitz last weekend, but you can bet they will be bringing as much pressure as The Situation at closing time in the Jersey Shore clubs. The Cowboys still have to overcome the pressure of winning a playoff game (like you haven’t heard a million times they haven’t won a playoff game since 1996), and if the Eagles get an early lead, expect the crowd in Jerry’s Palace to also feel that pressure.

PATRIOTS (-3) over Ravens

Losing Wes Welker will haunt the Patriots in the later rounds against the Chargers or Colts. It will not haunt them as much against the Ravens as Julian Edelmann is a “Mini Me” version of Welker. Ravens supporters will point to the game earlier this season in Foxboro when there were a handful of questionable calls and a dropped pass from Mark Clayton that kept Baltimore from walking out with a victory. However, Brady was not fully healthy and his accuracy was suffering and the Ravens secondary was not in as bad of shape as it is now with a hobbled Ed Reed. Also add in the Patriots are 8-0 at home this year, and 8-0 in the playoffs at home under Belichick/Brady. And the Ravens needed to beat the Lions, Bears and Raiders late in the year just to get to 9-7. That’s enough for me to lay the points with the Pats.

Packers (+1) over CARDINALS

The Cardinals do not match up well with the Packers. They played in the 3rd preseason game (the one where starters play at least until halftime) and the Packers exploded for a 38-10 halftime lead. Then last week, given the Cardinals resting players early, the Packers exploded for a 33-0 lead. The attacking Packers defense can give Warner fits, and having the defensive player of the year in Charles Woodson to shadow Larry Fitzgerald tips the scales even further. Side note: Darrell Revis is a great shut-down corner, but he IS NOT the Defensive Player of the Year. Woodson is a complete player that tackles, covers, blitzes, intercepts and returns INTS to the house. Revis does not do that….yet. Back to the game…..Rodgers will be able to continue to hit big plays on the Cardinals secondary, especially with a banged up Rogers-Cromartie. I want to find a way to temper my expectations for Green Bay in this game and the only thing I can think of is that it is Rodgers first playoff game and the Cardinals have experience and “streak-ability” on their side. That won’t be enough for the Cards and to quote Jay-Z….”It’s on to the next one” for the Packers.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 17 NFL Picks

New Year’s Resolution #3,217: Pick more games correctly. Last week was another .500 week with an 8-8 record.

New Year’s Resolution #3218: Figure out how to say “rural”


Say the word “rural” out loud a couple times in a row - how do you say it? Is it RU-ral? Rrrrl? Roorl? It’s just one of those words that sounds like you’ve just come from the dentist and your mouth is numb from Novocain whenever you say it. Just a window into my messed up mind while dealing with a solid hangover by eating pigs in a blanket and having a couple beers during the Rose Bowl. Oh, and someone tell Joe Paterno that he won the Capital One Bowl - pretty sure that old bastard has no idea.

Anyway, on to the week 17 NFL picks with plenty of games that could affect the playoff picture. It also has plenty of teams that will be playing their second stringers…..the guys who couldn’t land Megan Fox, but would have a pretty good shot with Ashley Greene. No categories this week because the only categories I can think of are the different drinks I had last night: wine, champagne, gin, tequila and beer.

Standard Disclosures: Recreational Use, Home Teams in CAPS, spreads from the Post, etc.


VIKINGS (-9) over Giants - Favre & company find solace back home against the banged up G-men.

JETS (-10) over Bengals - Cincy will be resting their starters and not showing anything they will use next week when they crush the Jets in a game that matters.


BILLS (+3) over Colts - If Indy didn’t play Peyton last week, why would you expect them to play him out in the elements in Buffalo? I just suggested betting on Brian Brohm…….that must be the booze talking.

PANTHERS (-3) over Saints - Panthers are playing as well as anyone, and even though the Saints would like to regain some momentum, they don’t want Julius Peppers dropping Drew Brees like Taylor Swift dropped that other Taylor dude from the Vampire Movies.


BROWNS (-1.5) over Jaguars - Hard to imagine a tyrant like Holmgren keeping a tyrant as Mangini for his coach, but has a coach ever been fired after a 4 game winning streak?


Eagles (+3) over COWBOYS - Dallas wants revenge from last year’s season ending thumping and can win the NFC East and have a chance to get a first round bye. Yet the Eagles are more talented and can secure the bye for themselves with a win.


Bears (-3) over LIONS - Lions give themselves a shot at the first draft pick by doing what they’ve done all year - get their rear ends kicked.


Patriots (+8) over TEXANS - The Texans are more desperate than the Pats, but Houston will not be facing the New England second string as long as they were hoping.


Steelers (Pick) DOLPHINS - Pittsburgh is angry and the Dolphins are not very good.


49ers (-7) over RAMS - St. Louis locks up Nebraska’s Suh by getting crushed again.


Falcons (-2.5) over BUCCANEERS - Tampa is playing better, but Atlanta has a chance to get their first consecutive winning seasons in franchise history.


CARDINALS (-3.5) over Packers - Arizona has an outside shot at a round 1 bye and the Packers are locked into their wild card slot. Green Bay will not want to show anything to a team they will likely play the following week.


BRONCOS (-13) over Chiefs - Kansas City is terrible. Even though Denver only has 3 healthy WRs, it will be enough to knock the Chiefs over.


RAIDERS (-10.5) over Ravens - Ravens lock themselves into the playoffs with a win, but after the cross country flight, they won’t dominate the plucky Raiders.


Redskins (+4) over CHARGERS - San Diego has less than nothing to play for which will allow them to win a close game over the hapless Skins. At the beginning of the year, it appeared Norv Turner had a better chance of being fired than Jim Zorn. Now Turner is likely the Coach of the Year.

Degenerate Holiday Picks - Week 16

Happy Holidays to everyone! Quick Picks for the NFL week 16:

(Standard Disclosures - home team in CAPS, recreational use, etc.)

TITANS (-3) over San Diego - Titans are more desperate

SAINTS (-14.5) over Buccaneers - Rebound game for New Orleans

Buffalo (+9) over FALCONS - Too many points for a team that isn't good.

EAGLES (-7) over Broncos - Ride the regular season wave of the Eagles

DOLPHINS (-3) over Texans - Houston can't win a game that matters.

PACKERS (-14) over Seahawks - Seattle is mailing it in.

Panthers (+5.5) over GIANTS - Panthers like to spoil other seasons like Delhomme spoiled theirs.

BROWNS (-3.5) over Raiders - Do you want to bet on Charlie Frye getting revenge in Cleveland?

PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Jaguars - Pats only win at home.

Chiefs (+14) over BENGALS - Last week they were fueled by emotion and this week reality sets in. And they have played to the level of their competition all season.

Ravens (+2.5) over STEELERS - Despite last week's miracle against Green Bay, the Steelers have holes that the Ravens know and can exploit.

CARDINALS (-14) over Rams - Cardinals have a shot to unseat the Vikings as the #2 seed.

49ERS (-11.5) over Lions - Send in your highlight tape and you could start at QB for the Lions next week.

COLTS (-5.5) over Jets - Sanchez may turn it over enough to allow Jim Caldwell to finally rest Peyton.

Cowboys (-4) over REDSKINS - If Jim Zorn decided not to show up, would anyone notice?

Vikings (-7) over BEARS - As much as I want the "Favre Diva Show" to cost the Vikings more games, it's the Bears in primetime, which means Jay Cutler will have a minimum of 2 interceptions. It's as obvious as the forced dialogue on The Hills or The City.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 15 - Overexposed Celebrities

I don’t even know what to say about the Chris Henry situation. It’s such a tragedy for a guy who could not handle the fame and success early in his life, constantly putting himself in bad situations. However it appeared that he had finally turned a corner and had his life headed in the right direction. He leaves behind his fiancé (who obviously will be a mental wreck for the foreseeable future) and 3 young kids.

So let’s move on to happier things, like week 15 in the NFL or my picks from last week. Well, 8-7-1 is not exactly anything to celebrate, but it’s an improvement from the previous couple weeks. This week’s games are broken down into categories based on overexposed celebrities from the past year……and I left out plenty of them.

Standard disclosures as always: recreational use only, spreads from the NY Post, home teams in CAPS, etc.

The Gosselins Category
Before Tiger and Elin’s failing marriage, most of 2009 was focused on the collapse of the Jon and Kate Gosselin. For some reason, the media couldn’t get enough of the media-whoring couple with Kate getting a makeover to enhance her on-screen appearance and Jon believing that he was a celebrity. In the end, it’s just a poor situation for the unfortunate 8 kids. At least the porky Jon still has his Ed Hardy t-shirts and shades to make him feel famous. These games are bad matchups (like the Gosselins) and like their finally cancelled show, no one is paying attention to them.

Browns (+1.5) over CHIEFS
I’m fearful of the Browns having a letdown (first time that has ever been said?) after their emotional win over the Steelers. However, Brady Quinn is trying to prove that he can be a viable NFL quarterback (he can) and Eric Mangini is trying to audition for his next job since Mike Holmgren is going to fire him. The Chiefs are terrible and have to be wondering if they made a “Scott Mitchell” sized mistake in signing Matt Cassell to a long-term deal.

Texans (No Line) over RAMS
This game could not be much less interesting. I think Keith Null is starting at quarterback again for the Rams, so that’s enough for me to take the Texans and Andre Johnson to blow them out.

SEAHAWKS (-7) over Buccaneers
The Seahawks have been better at home this season, and the Bucs are getting in position to draft Ndamukong Suh with the top pick. The Seahawks will latch on to a couple of these late season wins over bad teams as a reason for a hopeful future the same way Jon Gosselin believed hanging out with Michael Lohan made him famous.

The Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Category
They’ve been a strange fascination for the country ever since Tom jumped on Oprah’s couch. The couple has always had a strange vibe to them, as if Tom had brainwashed Katie and she had become his Stepford Wife. And once they brought Suri into the mix, the tabloids were always around as Katie tried to show how normal the family was. The couple is a mismatch from both a looks and a talent standpoint. Tom is the more talented professional with a long line of successful movies and Katie’s highlight was Dawson’s Creek. However, Katie is far and away the one blessed with the looks. In this matchup, it’s easy to root for one of them, and it’s not Tom Cruise. And can we please stop with the ridiculous blended names? Brangelina? TomKat? Enough. These games are bad match-ups as well, with one playoff-bound team against a team from the bottom of the league.

Patriots (-7) over BILLS
The Patriots haven’t won on the road yet this season (London against the pathetic Bucs doesn’t count), and the Bills should have beat the Patriots in Gillette Stadium in Week 1. So why would I want to lay 7 to these plucky Bills? Because the Pats running game is better than people realize (118+ yds/game) and the Bills run defense is awful – worst in the league. Brady won’t even need Moss this week.

Cardinals (-12) over LIONS
Arizona will rebound from from their turnover-fest against the Niners and will destroy the Lions who are likely playing without Kevin Smith or Matthew Stafford. This game could end up being as boring as Vanilla Sky.

EAGLES (-9) over 49ers
The Niners are traveling to the east coast on a short week after an emotional Monday night win and have an early start time. The 1:00 start in Philly is 10:00 for the mental clocks of San Francisco. Add in the fact that the Eagles are more talented and this seems like it’s gold, Jerry. Gold. The Eagles dynamic offense will continue to stack up huge yards and points, distancing themselves in the NFC East.

Vikings (-9) over PANTHERS
A win in this game will lock up the division for the Vikings, and if the Saints slip up against the Cowboys on Saturday night, they will still have a shot at home field advantage. Either way, their defense will be able to slow the running game of the Panthers, meaning Carolina will be relying on Matt Moore. Enough said.

The Jessica Simpson Category
When was the last time she came out with an album? September 2008, and it was a country album. Yet she has been on the cover of every weekly rag mag – US Weekly, OK!, People, etc – 3,432,917 times during 2009. She’s dating John Mayer, now she’s not. She’s dating Tony Romo, and now she’s not. She put a curse on Tony Romo. Now she’s even been linked to Tiger. Enough already – yes, we enjoy your “talents” but we don’t care that you can’t find love. You probably had it with Nick Lachey and you let your crazy father run your life and career into the ground. We want to root for you, Jess, we do. But you just need to lay low, stay out of the headlines and focus on singing, it’s the only thing other than filling out a dress you do really well.

JETS (-6) over Falcons
The Falcons will likely still be without Matt Ryan and Michael Turner, which will make it a challenge against the top-ranked Jets defense. The Falcons will also be leaving the friendly confines of a dome for the cold weather at the Meadowlands, where temps are expected to be in the 20’s.

Packers (+2) over STEELERS
The Steelers have blown their shot at the playoffs, and if the Browns defense could dominate their offensive line, the Packers dynamic defense will destroy them. Without Troy Polamalu in the secondary, the Steelers pass defense has been very average, which does not bode well with Aaron Rodgers playing extremely well. If Green Bay can establish the run early, they should be able to keep their strong grip on the #5 seed in the NFC.

Dolphins (+3) over TITANS
This was the second-hardest game to pick this week. The Titans are still playing hard and playing as well as anyone in the league. However, the Dolphins are the more desperate team as they fight for the final playoff spot in the AFC. With Vince Young likely out and Kerry Collins back at the helm, the Dolphins can put all of their focus on containing Chris Johnson, which should be enough to get it done for Miami.

RAVENS (-11) over Bears
Baltimore took out quite a few frustrations on Detroit last week, and now they get another subpar team to pound on. They need every win to get themselves into the playoffs and they will come out and show they want it against Chicago. The Bears have laid some big eggs this year, getting blown out Cincy, Arizona & Minnesota. This one could be uglier than Jessica Simpson in those strange high-waisted pants.

Giants (-3) over REDSKINS
The Giants have to win this game to stay in the playoff hunt. Despite their defense playing awful and the Redskins offense playing better, New York will be ready to rally. Big Blue still has the 4th best rushing offense in the NFC and combined with their big receivers, Eli should be able to orchestrate some points. Redskins at least got the Monday night focus off of their pitiful season and on to their coaching search. Gruden has supposedly turned down Bruce Allen already and it looks like Mike Shanahan will bring his awkwardly tanned face to the sidelines in Washington next year.

The Lindsay Lohan Category
She has been an actress since she was a little girl and was thrust into the spotlight as an attractive young woman. Someone then introduced her to booze and coke, which it turns out was a bad decision. Amazingly that has not worked out very well for her career or her looks. She’s 23 years old, but has the face of a 50 year old. And yet, despite her being a train wreck, you feel bad, but at the same time, it’s entertaining to try and see what she does next. These games are the only games this week between teams that would currently be in the playoffs if they started today.

SAINTS (-7) over Cowboys
The Superdome will be rocking as the Saints saw the Colts get to 14-0, and now have their chance to match. The Saints offense will be able to slice through the Ware-less Cowboys defense and put plenty of points on the board. The Cowboys have not fared well in December yet again, but this year, it’s more the schedule than the lack of execution by the Cowboys. If the Cowboys bring their “Lindsay Lohan on the cover of GQ in 2004” game to the field on Saturday night, they have a chance to pull the upset and make a national statement. Yet, Wade Phillips is the cocaine that turns Lindsay from 2004 to 2010. Sorry Dallas, it is the year of the Saints……well, except for Letterman, Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian.

Bengals (+6.5) over CHARGERS
This was the hardest game of the week to pick, as the Chargers are on fire, but the Bengals now have the emotional motivation of the Chris Henry tragedy. The Bengals are talented and with the extra emotion involved, should come out to play this game in honor of their late teammate. The Chargers are the better team and will beat the Bengals if they see them in the playoffs, but on this day at this time, they don’t have as much to play for.

Degenerate Friday - Week 14 - Christmas Vacation!!

Well the holiday season is definitely upon us, which means it is time to light a fire, dump some rum in the egg nog, and settle it to watch some great holiday movies. And we’re not talking movies like The Holiday, or Miracle on 34th Street. I don’t want some sappy story about some down on her luck hot girl suddenly finds some British dude that sweeps her off her feet. I want something that gets better and better as the rum from the egg nog kicks in. So while Elf is a hilarious movie, it still doesn’t quite have the perfect appeal of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. This week’s games are broken down by some of the best quotes from the movie. So Merry Christmas. S#itter’s full.

Standard disclosures as always: Recreational use only, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the NY Post, etc.

Clark: Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

Bills (Pick) over CHIEFS
I think Vegas just decided they really didn’t care who wins this game, and they didn’t want to waste any time trying to put a line on it. So I’m not willing to waste any of my time trying to figure out which team is going to win. Then again, ‘tis the season to be merry. That’s my name. No s#it?

RAIDERS (+1) over Redskins
Bruce Gradkowski has given the Raiders some belief that they can win, and they’ve played well at home, beating the Eagles, Bengals and Eagles. And since the game is in Oakland, it should definitely be hooter, errrr, I mean hotter than the nipply …..nippy weather on the East Coast.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f#cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white @ss down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse.

TITANS (-13) over Rams
The Titans bubble was burst last week with their loss to the Colts. The 6th seed in the AFC is likely going to get to 10-6 (the Steelers, Ravens, Jets & Dolphins are all 6-6 & Jacksonville is 7-5), and the best the Titans can do is 9-7. So they have to put on their jolliest smiles and hope someone falters. The Rams can’t stop the run, so Chris Johnson has a chance to post another 200 yard game.

Seahawks (+6) over TEXANS
The agent for Barry Bonds announced that Bonds will not play next season. That’s interesting because I thought the 31 major league GMs that didn’t offer him a contract told us the exact same thing last year. That same agent also announced that the Houston Texans will not be participating in the NFL playoffs this year.

Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

Jets (-3) over BUCCANEERS
Sometimes you have to wonder if Rex Ryan has a metal plate in his head the way he has handled the media and his rookie quarterback. With Kellen Clemens under center, the Jets will be going for the new world land-speed record almost exclusively with their rushing game. In their win last week, Clemens only attempted two passes in over a quarter of action. With Thomas Jones and Shonn Green, that’s all they’ll need to overwhelm Tampa Bay.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

PATRIOTS (-13.5) over Panthers
The weather is expected to be cold in Foxboro, and it’s not just the chill from the icy stare Belichick has been giving his team all week. Everyone is ready to write off the Patriots because they lost back to back games for the first time in 3 years, Belichick locked players out of practice for being late, and Tom Brady keeps talking about more effort. Well, that means they are officially starting to feel underappreciated and like underdogs – and that’s exactly what Coach Belichick loves. Now that Brady’s baby is born, it’s time to plow through to the playoffs. The Panthers will offer little resistance as they just want to get back home to the warmer climate in Charlotte.

Packers (-3) over BEARS
The Packers appear to have found ways around their leaky offensive line, and their passing game will be able to torch the Bears secondary. Jay Cutler threw four interceptions in week one against the Packers, and that was before they had found their groove in the newly installed 3-4 defense. This could get really ugly, really quickly. This will be the last time the Packers get to beat up on Lovie Smith as the Bears coach. And since it is Packers-Bears week, it’s probably time to remind everyone of why it must suck to be a Bears fan.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Lions
Well, now that the politicians have taken care of the really important things like trying to force a college football playoff, maybe they’ll have a little extra time to deal with the nation’s health care problems, or unemployment, or the Lions. And you wonder why everyone thinks politicians are full of hot air and that they are greasy weasels? Why was this voted on by a subcommittee of the Energy and Commerce Committee? Unreal. Anyway, back to the game – the Ravens are at home and hungry, with 3 of their 4 remaining games against teams under .500.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Cardinals (-3) over 49ERS
The quote applies to Mike Singletary, who has the heart and the emotion to be a great coach in the NFL, but he either doesn’t have the ability to get his guys to play correctly, or he doesn’t have the players capable of playing well. It might be a combination of both. The Cardinals have the heart and appear to have the brains as well based on the way their defense confused Brett Favre last week. I can’t see Alex Smith not struggling against the attacking Arizona defense.

Chargers (+3) over COWBOYS
Wade Phillips is the walking version of that quote. The players love him, and he seems like a good enough guy, but there are legit questions of whether he is smart enough to lead the Cowboys to success in the playoffs. Their schedule could easily lead to another December swoon. The Chargers are hotter than Brooklyn Decker on the beach and as hard as it is to imagine Norv Turner (who also fits the quote) leading a team deep in the playoffs, Phillip Rivers is trying his best to make that a possibility. He should be able to throw through the Cowboys secondary much the way Eli and the Giants did last week.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
COLTS (-7) over Broncos
Peyton and company have one more constructive week, and then they will have plenty of time to get Uncle Lewis his stogey. They have already clinched their division title, and a win this week they will clinch home field throughout the playoffs (they hold the tie breakers with the Bengals and Chargers). The Broncos have proven that their fast start was not a complete sham, but they are not on the same level as the Colts. Has anyone noticed that Joseph Addai is second in the league with 12 touchdowns in 12 games?

Saints (-10.5) over FALCONS
The Saints will keep their foot on the gas all the way through the regular season, and they get a break this week if Matt Ryan sits out again as expected. The Falcons have seen a promising start of the season fizzle away, as injuries have depleted the offense. After getting lit up like Uncle Lewis does to the Christmas tree by the Eagles last week, Atlanta will feel like Aunt Bethany’s cat after getting toasted by Drew Brees and the Saints.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS
The Bengals have been the biggest surprise of the entire season, and this pick does not mean that I am buying into the hype that Brett Favre has started his late season swoon. The Bengals have an aggressive defense similar to the Cardinals defense that threw Favre for a loop last week, and they have played their best games against the best competition. That will afford them the opportunity to keep the game close and possibly steal a win late. If the Bengals win this game they will have swept all their games against the AFC North and NFC North with a perfect 10-0 record. They are 0-3 outside the North Divisions, losing to Oakland, Houston and Denver, and their last 3 games are outside the North Divisions – San Diego, Kansas City & the Jets.

Dolphins (+2.5) over JAGUARS
I’m not sure I’ve picked a game right for either one of these teams all season. The Jaguars continue to find ways to win and the Dolphins have been inconsistent all season. If Jacksonville somehow makes it to the playoffs, they will be like Uncle Eddie in that no one really wants him around, but they will make for great comedy when they get blown out by the Bengals or Chargers.

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

GIANTS (-1) over Eagles
The Eagles signed on for successful regular seasons followed by flame outs in the playoffs through 2013 with the extension they gave to Andy Reid. Philly has won the last three games in this heated series, including the playoff win last year in New York. Yet when Tom Coughlin has his team focused, they will blast off like the Santa Claus lawn ornament at the end of the movie. Giants move into a tie for the division lead with the victory.

Degenerate Friday on Saturday!! Week 13

I’ve got the back-up computer working, so I will be able to keep providing you with my insane ramblings and glorious gambling picks. Unfortunately, I had to send out my primary computer to be fixed, so I did lose what I had written up for Friday’s article. I had ranked the games based on college football conference tiers. I’m way too lazy to try and rewrite the article, or the story about Ron Jeremy. So instead, just quick picks for the week. After a pitiful 2 week stretch, I’ve fallen to 88-87-2 on the season, not counting Thursday’s winner with the Jets covering in Toronto against the Bills.

First, as it’s just a few hours before kick-off, I like Alabama +5.5 over Florida in the SEC Championship. Nick Saban gets his revenge for last year’s loss.

Standard disclosures apply: recreational use, NY Post lines, home team in CAPS, etc.

Cowboys (-2) over GIANTS – Giants defense hasn’t stopped anyone since week 5 and Cowboys are feeling pretty good. Can they stop their traditional December slide?

Broncos (-4.5) over CHIEFS – Chiefs just got lit up by the Chargers and McDaniels has the Broncos believing they are underdogs again.

STEELERS (-14.5) over Raiders – Despite the locker room turmoil, the Steelers will be ready to “unleash hell” as Coach Tomlin promised, and what better team to unleash it on than the Raiders?

Texans (Pick) over JAGUARS – Jags beat Texans in Houston, are 4-1 at home and Houston doesn’t know how to close out games. Yet the Texans are the better team and the pick.

Titans (+6.5) over COLTS – Titans are white hot and Colts have been allowing teams to hang around. The Titans are the more desperate team that needs the game to keep their playoff dreams alive.

FALCONS (+5.5) over Eagles – The Georgia Dome will be rocking to welcome back Michael Vick with boos, and in a game with a ton of injuries (Ryan, Westbrook, Turner & DeSean Jackson), take the home team and the points.

Lions (+13) over BENGALS – The Bengals are the Katy Perry of the NFL – definitely a healthy dose of crazy, but there are two big reasons they are able to be successful…….for the Bengals, it’s Cedric Benson and Larry Johnson.

Saints (-9.5) over REDSKINS – This is a dangerous spot for the Saints, coming off a short week on the road against an improving defense. Yet the Saints want to dominate all season and will continue against the Skins. Someone let Jim Zorn know what time he has to get to the stadium to impersonate a statue for 3 hours.

Buccaneers (+6) over PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme might be a blessing for the Panthers. Matt Moore starting is not.

BEARS (-9) over Rams – Chicago needs this game to relieve the pressure on Lovie Smith. But it might be too late as the ghost of Mike Shanahan looms over the city.

Chargers (-13) over BROWNS – The weather could be a factor in Cleveland, but the Chargers have the ability to go through the air with Rivers or the ground with Tomlinson.

49ers (Pick) over SEAHAWKS – Seattle might be getting the Human Walrus, Mike Holmgren back in town next year. 49ers have Crabs and VD, which is too much for the ‘Hawks.

Vikings (-3.5) over CARDINALS – Peterson may end up with less rushing yards than his speed on his ticket this week (109), but Percy Harvin and Sidney Rice are too much for the Cards.

Patriots (-4.5) over DOLPHINS – Belichick and Brady don’t lose back to back games.

PACKERS (-3) over Ravens – Ravens defense shut down the Steelers last week, but Aaron Rodgers is about 10 levels above Dennis Dixon. The ageless Donald Driver and Greg Jennings should have a field day against the Ravens secondary.

Degenerate Friday!!! Week 12

Before the turkey coma kicks in…..or maybe the 4th bottle of wine……while watching Colt McCoy secure the Heisman Trophy, here are the quick hit picks for the week:

Panthers (+3) over JETS – power running game is too much for all-talk Jets

COLTS (-3.5) over Texans – Houston doesn’t know how to win big games

Browns (+14) over BENGALS – Too many points in a divisional game.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Bears – Too big of a game for Cutler to perform well

EAGLES (-9) over Redskins – Skins can’t score enough to cover.

Dolphins (-3) over BILLS (LOCK OF THE WEEK) – Weather shouldn’t be an issue, and wildcat runs wild.

Cardinals (+1) over TITANS – Let’s not overreact to Vince Young – good, but not good enough.

RAMS (+3) over Seahawks – Hawks are 0-5 on the road and Rams play hard.

FALCONS (-12.5) over Buccaneers – Bucs coaches are in upheaval, which isn’t good for rookie QB.

Jaguars (+3) over 49ERS – Jags didn’t play well in last trip out west (at Sea), but Niners are not good.

CHARGERS (-13.5) over Chiefs – Bolts are on a roll, and Chiefs can’t stop Rivers.

RAVENS (pk) over Steelers – Pittsburgh is not the same without Polamalu

Patriots (+3) over SAINTS – Great value to get Brady and points when he’s playing this well.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 11 - 1999 NFL QBs

Well last week produced a solid 10-5 mark, putting the season total at 75-68-2. This week does not have very many compelling games, and it shows with the spreads. Eight of the 16 games have spreads of 9 or greater and only three games have a spread of 3 or less. One of the more intriguing matchups took place on Thursday night, and it involved two 4-5 teams. It also marked Ricky Williams return to a feature back role after Ronnie Brown was put on injured reserve. Ricky entered the league in 1999, when the Saints traded all of their draft picks to the Redskins in order to secure Williams with the pick. So in honor of Ricky Williams still going strong, the games are broken down by the 1999 drafted quarterbacks. Similar to this week’s games, there is really only one hit, a couple of flashes, and some ultimate busts. And I’m not wasting my time mentioning the guys picked after the second round (with one exception) because it’s worthless to bring up Brock Huard, Joe Jermaine, Kevin Daft, Michael Bishop, Chris Greisen and Scott Covington.

EDITORS NOTE: I started this on Thursday night before Ricky Williams powered the Dolphins past the Panthers with his 3 TD performance. And I still picked the Panthers to win, which was stupid. And why the random picture of Rebecca Gayheart? She was Maxim’s Hottest Woman in 1999……which just seems strange.

All the standard disclaimers……..recreational use, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the Post, etc.

The Akili Smith Category
The third overall pick in the draft, out of Oregon, Cincinnati thought they had finally found their franchise quarterback to replace Boomer Esiason and erase the memory of David Klinger in 1992. Unfortunately, Smith was horribly unprepared for the pro game, and basically had the intelligence of Carrie Prejean. Smith went 3-14 as a starter, had a QB rating of under 53 and threw 5 TDs versus 13 interceptions in his career. He was out of the league in 4 years. He actually shares quite a bit in common with the recently benched JaMarcus Russell, a sizeable, gifted athlete without the intellect or desire to be a pro quarterback.

LIONS (-3.5) over Browns (Craptastic Game of the Season)
Ladies and gentleman, the “Battle for the 1st Pick in the 2010 Draft” Bowl!! This is an absolutely awful game. Lions already blew one game against pathetic competition (the Rams), but should be able to hold off the offensively-challenged Browns. Cleveland has been shut out twice this year already, and may need to resort the Redskin method of using their punter or kicker as an offensive weapon.

The Cade McNown Category
The 12th pick in the draft by the Chicago Bears, McNown was just another in the long line of poor Chicago quarterbacks…..which has continued today with the acquisition of Jay Cutler. McNown had an illustrious college career at UCLA that included a loss to Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl and punishment for using a handicap placard to get better parking around campus. He was 3-12 as a starter in Chicago, throwing 16 TDs and 19 interceptions.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seahawks
The Vikings have not been as dominant lately, but their offensive weapons will be more than the Seahawks can handle, especially in the Metrodome. Jared Allen and the Williams Wall should have a game almost as easy as when they played Green Bay against the depleted Seahawks offensive line.

Bengals (-9.5) over RAIDERS
This is a dangerous game with major let-down potential after the Bengals just handled their tough divisional test by beating the Ravens and Steelers. And after benching their pathetic quarterback in JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders will potentially be ready to rally behind Bruce Gradkowski. However, whether the throws are on target or not, Darius Heyward-Bey has shown he couldn’t catch a cold. But at least he is fast.

The Tim Couch Category
Couch was the first pick in the draft, and the first pick for the reinvented Cleveland Browns after the original Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens. The Browns were seriously lacking in talent around Couch, so the University of Kentucky product was fighting with one hand tied behind his back. He managed to win 22 games as a starter, but he lost 37, and had a 64-67 touchdown-interception total in his career. His only real highlight was his relationship with 1999 Playboy Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar – although rumor has it she left him for another 1999 quarterback, the previously mentioned Cade McNown. More large spread games that are not all that appealing in this category.

JAGUARS (-9) over Bills
The Bills have dumped their coach and switched back to ivy-leaguer Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Unfortunately for the Bills, the players actually liked Dick Jauron, and those players still include an over-the-hill Terrell Owens, a terrible offensive line, a terrible defensive line, and Ryan Fitzpatrick. That is not an equation capable of slowing down Maurice Jones-Drew and the surging Jags.

Steelers (-10) over CHIEFS
Ticked off Big Ben and the Steelers defense will take it out on the undermanned Chiefs. The Chiefs and Jamaal Charles will find it more difficult to gain yardage against Pittsburgh than they did in their win over the Raiders last week. Look for Big Ben to treat the KC secondary like an employee at Harrah’s – lots of scoring – and this may be just as consensual.

The Aaron Brooks Category
Brooks is the only quarterback drafted outside the first or second round that had an impact in the league, being drafted by the Packers in the fourth round. He had 6 very uneven years in New Orleans before 1 disastrous season in Oakland. He was 38-52 as a starter and had 123 passing TDs and 13 rushing TDs in his career compared to 92 interceptions and an unbelievable 64 fumbles. More games that have a large spread and look likely to produce a couple of big plays, but also a couple of plays that make you want to cover your eyes – which is the way Saints fans felt every time Brooks dropped back to pass.

COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins
This is a lot of points to lay in a divisional game from a team that only scored 7 points last week to a team that won last week. However, the Redskins offense is awful, using trick plays to score most of the year. The Cowboys defense actually played well against Green Bay, holding them to 3 points in the first half, and one TD after Clay Matthews recovered a fumble inside the 10 yard line. Romo is reminded that the best time for a trip to an exotic island is after your team wins the championship – a lesson Derek Jeter demonstrated with Minka Kelly in St. Bart’s this week.

Cardinals (-9) over RAMS
Rams were surprisingly feisty last week against the potent Saints attack, but it’s unlikely they’ll be able to do it two weeks in a row. Steven Jackson has had an amazingly strong season playing for a 1 win team, proving that when healthy, he is as good as any back in the league. However, the Cardinals aerial assault is cruising and it continues again this week.

The Shaun King Category
King was a second round pick by Tampa Bay, and had a surprisingly successful, if short, career. He was 14-10 as a starter, one of only two quarterbacks from the class with a winning record, including a 10-6 season in his second year, 2000. He’s currently a college football analyst on ESPN – what a surprise that a former football player was immediately given a seat at the big four-letter. We’re finally getting to some games that might be more competitive and could impact the playoff picture.

PACKERS (-6.5) over 49ers
The Niners had no business beating the Bears last week, only scoring 10 points even with the aid of 5 Cutler interceptions. The Packers defense put a hurting on the Cowboys, and should have a field day riddling Alex Smith. In the battle of first round quarterbacks from 2005, Rodgers proves that he shouldn’t have slid all the way to Green Bay at #24. Singletary gets closer to having a Mr. Furious-like breakdown on his team.

Titans (+4.5) over TEXANS
It’s tough to go against the Texans coming off a bye at home on a Monday night. But the Texans defense cannot slow Chris Johnson, which allows the Titans to play keep away from Matt Schaub and the high-powered Houston offense. And although it doesn’t make any sense because he’s not actually doing that much, Vince Young somehow wins games – he’s 20-11 as a starter.

The Daunte Culpepper Category
Culpepper was among the better statistical quarterback’s in the league for a stretch from 2000-2004. In 2004, he threw for over 4700 yards and 39 interceptions, for a QB rating of over 110. Yet despite the gaudy numbers, he only produced one season where he was over .500 as a starter (2000), and has a career record of 41-54 including his time with the Vikings, Dolphins, Raiders and Lions. These games have the potential to be impressive, but may explode like Daunte’s knee did in 2005, ending his stretch as a reliable NFL starter.

RAVENS (+1) over Colts
The Colts are not going to go undefeated this season, and this looks like one of the more likely places they could lose. The Ravens will be without Terrell Suggs after the Brady Quinn cheap shot, but the Colts were lucky to beat the Patriots last week. Look for Ray Lewis to rally his troops to slow down Manning on his march to perfection.

Falcons (+6.5) over GIANTS
Both teams have been sliding lately, the Giants are coming off their bye week at home, and the Falcons have suffered all of their losses on the road. Yet, even with Michael Turner banged up, Matt Ryan should be able to put up enough points with Tony Gonzalez and Roddy White to keep this one close and cover the number.

Eagles (-3) over BEARS
Jay Cutler has thrown 12 of his 18 interceptions in night games this season, so this Sunday night affair does not bode well for the gunslinger. Eagles only have to fly halfway across the country to get to Chicago, after poor performances at Oakland and at San Diego. McNabb, the Chicago native, and 1999 quarterback, will be ready to light up the poor Chicago secondary. Speaking of the oft-injured choke artist McNabb………..

The Donovan McNabb Category
While I am no fan of Donovan McNabb, I mean, he’s from Philly (strike one), he is not mentally tough – throwing up on the field (strike two), and he is not a good leader – whiny whenever someone else gets the spotlight or benches him (strike three). Oh, and I’m not even bringing up that he’s stupid and didn’t know a game could end in a tie. All that said, he has had tremendous regular season success, and is far and away the best quarterback from the 1999 draft. He is 82-45-1 as a starter and 9-6 in the playoffs and has thrown 206 touchdowns versus 94 interceptions. These are the most compelling games of the week, and much like Donovan, are only relevant in the regular season.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Jets
Patriots haven’t lost consecutive games in a bazillion years, and have the extra motivation of the week 2 loss to the Jets. Rex Ryan may not be crying passionate tears after this game, as they may be tears of legit pain from having Belichick and Brady’s legs knee-deep in his oversized rear end. The Jets offense will not be able to exploit the Pats defense the way the Colts did and Brady will dink and dunk with Welker until the deep ball for Moss opens up.

Chargers (-1) over BRONCOS
Broncos continue their slide back to the team that everyone expected them to be, especially if Kyle Orton isn’t able to go. Chargers have rebounded from their slow start, like they do every year, and will be able to take back control of the division. San Diego’s fourth-in-the-AFC passing game will put constant pressure on the Broncos secondary and force the Broncos to play a higher scoring game than they would like.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 10 - The Muppets

There is a reason the casinos are so large in Vegas. The guys in Vegas that put out the spreads know what they’re doing. There have been 128 games in the NFL this season (not including last night’s SF-Chi game), and there have been 2 “pick ‘em” spreads. Of the other 126 games, there have been 63 times when the favorites have covered the spread, and 63 times when the underdog covered. A perfect 63-63 record. Impressive. Not as impressive was my record last week, going 6-7 for my second consecutive under .500 week. Time to regroup and have a better week.

Quick – someone get Jay Cutler to an eye doctor. No, he didn’t get hit in the eye last night, but he must be color blind. 5 Interceptions, including 2 in the red zone? Ouch. In the past 2 seasons, he has 9 INTs in the red zone, more than double the next closest QB. He makes more poor decisions than Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry combined.

But before I get to the, Sesame Street had its 40th anniversary this week. I wanted to break the games out by characters, until I started to realize how many of those crazy sesame street muppets are out there! I mean, in addition to the major characters like Bert & Ernie, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Grover, Elmo, and Cookie Monster, there is Count von Count, Snuffleupagus, Barkley the Dog, Telly, Guy Smiley, Herry Monster, The Honkers and Mumford the Magician. And I’m not even mentioning the humans on the show, Mr. Hooper, Susan, Gordon, Luis or Maria.

So before getting to this week’s picks, I have to put a clip to my personal favorite Sesame Street skit, with Grover explaining the meaning of “near” and “far.” I’m not really sure why it sticks in my head, it originally aired before I was even born, but it still makes me laugh. Maybe it just reminds me of how we used to tire my little brother out by challenging him to run around the house while we timed him to see if he could beat his own “personal record” – mind you, we didn’t have a stop watch, and weren’t really timing him. We just wanted him to get tired and leave us alone. He was 16.

So while thinking of kids programs, it led me to The Muppets Show. This week’s games are broken down to muppets characters, and there are a lot of characters, so I had to leave some out, like Scooter, Beaker, Dr. Bunsen, the Swedish Chef, and Rizzo the Rat.

Standard weekly disclosures…….recreational use, home team in CAPS, spreads from the NY Post, etc.

The Miss Piggy Category
Did anyone ever realize that the most popular female on the show was a portly pig!!?!? What is up with that? Also reminds me of a story……we were going out for a friend’s older brother’s bachelor party. I was the youngest guy there, and lost a bet before we went out resulting in whenever the bachelor finished his drink, I had to yell out “I wanna meet Miss Piggy tonight!” Amazingly, that didn’t work very well as a pick up line. I’d say it ranks right below another line I heard slurred once by my brother-in-law….. “Are you leaving?” To which the girl said, “Yes.” And she walked out.

Chiefs (+1.5) over RAIDERS
No matter how much lipstick you put on this pig of a game, it’s not attractive. Raiders beat the Chiefs in Kansas City, but the Chiefs are no longer dealing with the Larry Johnson distraction and have added Chris Chambers to pair up with Dwayne Bowe. How long can the Raiders continue to dance with Tom Cable? Until he punches Al Davis? As long as they continue to believe that JaMarcus Russell is a bonafide NFL quarterback, they will not be able to string together any sort of consistent play. His QB rating is equal to his completion percentage, and neither is above 49 - that is absolutely horrendous. He is the pig, and Al Davis continues to try and pile on the lipstick. The Raiders will likely get Darren McFadden back this week, but it won’t be enough to mask Jamarcus Russell.

The Statler & Waldorf Category (the old guys in the theatre)
These are my favorite muppets characters, just sitting back and ridiculing everyone. These are a couple games that will give them plenty of things to watch, mock and then laugh histerically. Great job to start teaching kids at an early age that old people are crazy and can say whatever they want. What is the age when it becomes okay to just say the most ridiculous things? I can’t wait to get to that age, so I can just spew idiocy all the time……….wait, I basically do that now.

Buccaneers (+10) over DOLPHINS
This is just too many points for an offensively challenged team like the Dolphins to cover. I still think the Bucs have not turned the corner despite beating the Packers last week. They stink, but they are a little better now that Josh Freeman brings some athletic ability and moxy to the offense. Unless Ted Ginn returns a couple more kicks, the Dolphins won’t be able to blow out the Bucs.

TITANS (-6.5) over Bills (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
The Bills get Trent Edwards back, but lose T.O. for the game. Not that it matters, as the Bills offense is pathetic. The Titans have turned things around since getting blown out by the Patriots. Chris Johnson leads the league in rushing and gets another weak opponent to show off his “running from the cops speed!” (thanks Gus Johnson for that call).

The Fozzie Bear Category
Fozzie was the stand-up comedian, yelling “wakka-wakka-wakka” after every bombing joke. He was there for laughs, and not just at that stupid hat and bow-tie he always wore. These games should be laughers as well, pitting some of the top teams against the worst teams in the league.

VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions
The Vikings are coming off their bye, and the Lions are coming off blowing a 17 point lead on the road. Brett Favre said he spent the bye week hunting and doing his daughter’s homework. The homework was probably more difficult than putting up points on the Lions. Coach Childress will likely have plenty of time to rest Favre’s balky groin in the second half of this one.

Saints (-13.5) over RAMS
The Rams are coming off of their bye and the Saints are coming off another game where they let an inferior team build a lead before blowing them out. This one has the potential to be more of a laugher than any of Fozzie’s jokes. The Rams best chance is that the Saints are looking forward to their week 10 match up with the Patriots.

CARDINALS (-8.5) over Seahawks
The Cardinals have quietly looked pretty impressive since their slow start, and with the exception of that game against the Panthers, their passing offense has been very efficient. The Seahawks don’t do anything well, but aren’t extremely poor either. They have been outscored by their opponents 95-44 in their 3 road games this year.

The Gonzo Category
Gonzo was known as a weirdo and regularly referred to as a “whatever” because no one ever knew what species he was. He was basically a stunt lunatic, always trying to perform amazing feats and making a fool of himself. These games also don’t fit squarely into any other category as they have some decent teams and some teams that are not very good.

Ravens (-11) over BROWNS
The old Browns come to Cleveland to take on the new Browns on Monday night, and the fans in Cleveland have threatened to show up late as a protest to the pathetic nature of the new Browns franchise. Cleveland has scored 5 offensive touchdowns all season, which is only 2 less than the Saints DEFENSE has scored. The Ravens secondary has been weak, but the Browns can’t take advantage of it.

Broncos (-3.5) over REDSKINS
The Redskins couldn’t score with Clinton Portis, what are they going to do without him? The Broncos get to take a breather after losing two tough games against good teams in Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Jim Zorn continues to be a muppet on the sidelines.

Falcons (-1.5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers have reestablished their running game, which has led to a minor revival – at least as much as you can when you’re 3-5. Carolina has the second-best rushing attack in the league, but will need some pass plays to be able to keep up with the Falcons offense. The Falcons have lost 3 respectable games (at New Orleans, at New England, and at Dallas) and are the better team.

The Kermit the Frog Category
Kermit was the love interest of Miss Piggy, and was always the sympathetic, intelligent leader of the group. I’m not really sure why a group that included a dog, a bear, a pig, etc. decided to all follow a skinny little frog. Anyway, in these games, the question is whether it’s easy being green.

JETS (-7) over Jaguars
Gang Green is coming off a bye week, and Rex gave the team 6 days off to regroup, which will be questioned if they don’t come out with fire. It hasn’t been easy to be green lately, but the Jets have the best rushing offense in the league and the Jags have given up almost 120 ypg, the fifth-worst in the AFC. Other than MJD, who leads the league with 11 TDs, the Jags have not played with any urgency or fire, and yet they are sitting at 4-4 and on the edge of the playoff picture.

CHARGERS (-1.5) over Eagles
Neither team has been very consistent, and even with getting Westbrook back, the Eagles will come up short after the cross country trip. The Chargers have seen the door open a crack for the NFC West title after the Broncos have lost 2 straight and know they need this game to keep up. Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb might be green with sickness after dropping another big game.

Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf was the classical pianist dog with the big floppy ears, always tagging along with the rest of the crew. Rowlf was originally performed by Jim Henson himself, and started as a sidekick on the Jimmy Dean show in the 60’s. I have no idea, but is that the same dude who now has those breakfast sausage links? The guy goes from having his own show to making breakfast sausages…….interesting. Anyway…..this game is the Barking Dog game of the week.

PACKERS (+3) over Cowboys
The Packers continue to have one of the worst offensive lines in history. The Cowboys are playing extremely well, coming off a win in Philadelphia. This game opened as a pick ‘em, and the Cowboy money has piled in, moving the line 3 points. When that much public money is running one way, I say run the other way. Woodson should be able to shadow Miles Austin (with safety help), and Al Harris and Roy Williams have the same speed – none. The Packers have their backs firmly against the wall, and they are lining up Mike McCarthy for execution. At home, they should come out firing.

The Animal Category
Animal was the lunatic drummer of the group that needed to chain himself to the drum set during performances because he got so out of hand. I’m not sure he could actually speak, just making grunts and yells, yet somehow everyone understood him. Animal’s performances remind me of one of my roommates in college after a rough patch with a girlfriend, when he came home, headed down to the basement (where Squirrel had a drum set), and proceeded to belt out the most anger-filled, stress-relieving drum solos in the history of music, followed by a primal scream to let everyone know he was done. These are the best games of the week, and will likely have similar emotional outbursts.

Bengals (+7) over Steelers
The Steelers are rounding into their championship form, having won 5 straight, and need this game to take control of the division. At the beginning of the year, what would have been the odds that the Bengals would sweep the Ravens and Steelers? 40-1? 50-1? Well, they are a win over the Steelers away from pulling off the feat, and putting a sleeper hold on the AFC North division. The Bengals won in Cincy when the Steelers didn’t have Troy Polamalu, and I think their defense will keep this one close enough to get the cover.

Patriots (+3) over COLTS
Another chapter in the Manning-Brady battle. These two teams seem to play every November in an epic game that will go a long way to determine the home field advantage in the AFC. The Colts are unbeaten, but have gotten a few breaks the past two weeks to stay that way. The Patriots started slowly, but are now looking like an offensive juggernaut. With the Colts secondary banged up – missing Bob Sanders, the Pats will spread the field and throw it all over the field. The Colts have found a way each week, but Brady will continue his mastery of Manning and the Colts – he’s 7-3 already.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 9 Picks

So, right about now, our dear friend Squirrel is probably getting a little nervous. In less than 48 hours, he’s going to be walking down the aisle to permanently attach that ball and chain to his leg from a woman that is way better than he ever deserves. Congrats, buddy!!! Welcome to the club of guys who have outpunted their coverage, yet somehow got the women drunk or crazy enough to say “I do” to us. Looking forward to seeing most of the crew outside Chicago this weekend, and we’ll miss the rest that can’t make it – but something tells me we’ll tip up more than a few in your honor. On to sports……..

Ummmmm, Mr. Agassi, please stop. Just shut up, and don’t tell us anymore. If you like to set things on fire, maybe you should have lit your books on fire. Tanking matches, wearing a wig, wearing lifts, doing crystal meth and not wearing underwear while playing? Seriously dude, why are you writing a book about this? No one wants to know this stuff.

Speaking of shut-up, here’s a big one for you, Roy Williams. That was a rather large bus you just launched your QB (Romo Pyle) and fellow WR (Austin Miles) under. Complaining about the way the ball is thrown to you relative to how it’s thrown to Miles, and disrespecting Miles by constantly referring to him as “#2”? Is this an Austin Powers movie or an NFL team? Way to have the team mentality now that your team is actually on a pretty good roll. Oh, and by the way, Roy, you lead the league in drops.

Last week, I finally got out of the .500 range, and I broke out with authority. Only it was to the downside, with a pathetic 4-9 record. I’m just going to call it one week of lost focus and get back to the .500 mark and beyond this weekend. There is a pretty decent slate of games, some big divisional matchups, some teams that are trying to climb out of terrible starts, and others that are trying to bounce back after a rough stretch.

When figuring out how to classify the games this week, I thought about a conversation I was having with my brother about an old friend of a friend and whether they still had their flat-top haircut. I responded that people still have mullets. That led him to point out that as long as there are fans of NASCAR racing and hockey, there will always be mullets. For both racing and hockey, the most exciting part of the sport involves crashes, fights, or fights after a crash. Those are the moments that involve absolutely zero intelligence, which tells you all you need to know about the sport, and those who follow them. And one last blast on hockey – I cannot be a fan of a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters” because sweaters are for holidays and keeping warm, not for playing sports.

So, long opening, but let’s get to the games……..I don’t claim to be the most fashionable man on earth, but let’s go with some of the worst fashions of the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The Mens Cutoff Jean Shorts Tier
Men’s stone-washed cutoff jean shorts are hideous and should never be worn – ever. I mean do we really need to discuss this any further? This is the worst game of the week between two terrible teams.

SEAHAWKS (+10) over Lions (CRAPTASTIC GAME OF THE WEEK)
Lions are coming off a loss to the pathetic Rams, and the Seahawks got slapped around by the Cowboys. Seahawks continue to be beat up, and don’t run well or pass well, which is beneficial to the Lions, since they can’t stop the run or the pass. Yet the Seahawks still have the ability to rock bad teams when they come to the great Northwest.

The Grunge/Flannel Tier
Remember when everyone wanted to dress like Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder? Including the women? Hideous. You want to know why subscriptions to Playboy have decreased since the 1990’s? Walk around a big city or a college campus today and the girls aren’t wearing much more than they’re wearing on the pages of Hugh Hefner’s magazine. In the 90’s, girls were wearing huge baggy flannel shirts and pants up over their belly buttons, so dudes had to get those magazines to catch a glimpse of skin. Anyway, these are games with one decent or good team and one of the Screech Powers or Tori Scott teams.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been dealing with the distractions of Larry Johnson for the past two weeks, and now the fans are trying to prevent him from breaking the team’s all-time rushing record. Sadly, at his current rate of a meager 2.7 ypc, it’s going to take him more than 30 carries to get there. The Jags are coming off a game when everyone except MJD played like a jag-off, yet they’re still better than the young Chiefs.

FALCONS (-10) over Redskins (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Falcons played well against the Saints, but haven’t quite learned how to finish games against top competition. The Redskins are nowhere near top competition. The Falcons may only need to score 13 to cover this spread. Even a bye week isn’t going to fix all the problems with Redskins. Do you think Zorn has his iPod hooked up to those headphones now that he’s not calling plays?

Packers (-9.5) over BUCCANEERS
Packers have struggled against good competition, but have beat up on the weaklings. The Bucs are the weakest of the weaklings. And this is a good week to put Clifton and Tauscher back into the starting line-up and let them have a nice easy week against some inferior competition. The Green Bay kryptonite has been giving up sacks, but thankfully for them the Bucs have no pass rush.

The Mall/Jersey Hair Tier
Using half a can of aqua net hairspray to keep your bangs 6-8 inches off your head and crimping your hair was supposed to be hot? I guess what’s more scary is the fact that this hairstyle still gets a decent amount of use currently in many parts of New Jersey and up north Wisconsin. Scary. These games have a couple of teams that refuse to die (like the hairstyle).

GIANTS (-4.5) over Chargers
Tom Coughlin has convinced his team that this game is a must-win and will save their season. That should be enough to overcome an up and down Chargers team flying across the country. The Giants will struggle to contain the deep ball to Vincent Jackson with their banged up secondary, but the Chargers defense will have a hard time slowing the Giants running game. In the battle of two average teams, take the home team.

49ERS (-4) over Titans
In the battle of highly drafted, bust quarterbacks trying to garner some value before their contracts expire at the end of the season, I’ll take the smarter guy – Alex Smith. The Titans looked revitalized last week, but Chris Johnson is not trying to run through the heartless Jags defense this week. Look for Michael Crabtree to have a chance to make some plays against the porous Titans secondary.

The Rolled Jeans Tier
Thankfully this was a pretty short-lived fad, and went away as fast as it became popular. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to wrap your pants as tight as possible around our ankles? And some people went as far as using pins to keep the rolls tight. These are games that have teams that could potentially make the playoffs, but you’re not going to reminisce about these games and how cool you were that you watched them.

Cardinals (+3) over BEARS
The last time these teams met, former Cardinals coach Dennis Green had his infamous “They are who we thought they were!” rant. Well, the Bears are still who we thought they were, a team with a weak pass defense and average offense. The Cards have won 3 straight road games, and while that’s tough to keep up, their defense should be angry after getting thrashed by the Panthers, and their offense should not turnover the ball as much as they did last week.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Dolphins
Last year in Foxborough, the Dolphins unveiled the wildcat and crushed the Pats. This time around, the Pats are coming off a bye, and the Phins are coming off a game where they needed to kickoff returns and a fumble return for a touchdown to beat the Jets. Brady didn’t spend his bye week in Cabo with Gisele, he spent it preparing to torch the Dolphins secondary.

Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
Almost two touchdowns is too many points to give, even to the juggernaut that is the 2009 Saints. Panthers have won 7 straight games in New Orleans and Louisiana native Jake Delhomme owns the Superdome (he started and won a game for the Saints before he joined the Panthers and won games there in college at Louisiana-Lafayette). Michael Turner showed last week that the Saints can be run on with the loss of Scott Fujita and Sedrick Ellis, which is bad news with Panthers’ second-in-the-NFC rushing attack (the Saints are the first) coming to town.

The Mullet Tier
As mentioned in the opening, the mullet continues to live on, a solid 20+ years past its expiration date. There were many different variations of the mullet, whether it’s the skinny guy leaning up against his IROC-Z28, or the guy with the sweet mullet and his Iron Maiden t-shirt, it was always a sight to behold. Anyone rocking the “business in the front, party in the back” look was definitely the coolest guy in the room. These are the prime time games of the week, almost all divisional matchups between playoff teams.

Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Ochocinco reportedly sent care packages to Ray Lewis and his defensive teammates that contained deodorant so they wouldn’t sweat. The Bengals are for real, as evidenced by their prior wins over the Ravens (in Baltimore) and the Steelers, but crazy people like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed don’t need any extra motivation.

Texans (+9) over COLTS
The Colts allowed the 49ers to hang around in Indy last week, so there’s no reason to believe the Texans won’t do the same thing, as they have a much more potent offense than the Niners. Texans also need this game to prove that they are a legit contender within the division and the league.

EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Eagles welcome another divisional foe to the Linc, the site of the demolition of the Giants last week. The fans will be fired up to wash away the sting of the World Series loss, and try to forget the fact that they’re in Philly and they suck. The Cowboys now have to deal with the diva Roy Williams, and Romo will try to force the ball to him, leading to a couple of turnovers. The Eagles don’t miss much without Westbrook in the lineup because the rookie RB McCoy has been very good.

Steelers (-3) over BRONCOS
The Steelers historically have been extremely strong on Monday night and extremely strong coming off a bye. They get both this week when they visit Mile High Stadium. It’s almost as much of a sure thing as Carrie Underwood dating another athlete (I guess she’s on her second hockey player after Romo Pyle). Steelers have the best run defense in the league, which will be a challenge for Knowshon Moreno to open up the passing game for Kyle Orton.