So, right about now, our dear friend Squirrel is probably getting a little nervous. In less than 48 hours, he’s going to be walking down the aisle to permanently attach that ball and chain to his leg from a woman that is way better than he ever deserves. Congrats, buddy!!! Welcome to the club of guys who have outpunted their coverage, yet somehow got the women drunk or crazy enough to say “I do” to us. Looking forward to seeing most of the crew outside Chicago this weekend, and we’ll miss the rest that can’t make it – but something tells me we’ll tip up more than a few in your honor. On to sports……..
Ummmmm, Mr. Agassi, please stop. Just shut up, and don’t tell us anymore. If you like to set things on fire, maybe you should have lit your books on fire. Tanking matches, wearing a wig, wearing lifts, doing crystal meth and not wearing underwear while playing? Seriously dude, why are you writing a book about this? No one wants to know this stuff.
Speaking of shut-up, here’s a big one for you, Roy Williams. That was a rather large bus you just launched your QB (Romo Pyle) and fellow WR (Austin Miles) under. Complaining about the way the ball is thrown to you relative to how it’s thrown to Miles, and disrespecting Miles by constantly referring to him as “#2”? Is this an Austin Powers movie or an NFL team? Way to have the team mentality now that your team is actually on a pretty good roll. Oh, and by the way, Roy, you lead the league in drops.
Last week, I finally got out of the .500 range, and I broke out with authority. Only it was to the downside, with a pathetic 4-9 record. I’m just going to call it one week of lost focus and get back to the .500 mark and beyond this weekend. There is a pretty decent slate of games, some big divisional matchups, some teams that are trying to climb out of terrible starts, and others that are trying to bounce back after a rough stretch.
When figuring out how to classify the games this week, I thought about a conversation I was having with my brother about an old friend of a friend and whether they still had their flat-top haircut. I responded that people still have mullets. That led him to point out that as long as there are fans of NASCAR racing and hockey, there will always be mullets. For both racing and hockey, the most exciting part of the sport involves crashes, fights, or fights after a crash. Those are the moments that involve absolutely zero intelligence, which tells you all you need to know about the sport, and those who follow them. And one last blast on hockey – I cannot be a fan of a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters” because sweaters are for holidays and keeping warm, not for playing sports.
So, long opening, but let’s get to the games……..I don’t claim to be the most fashionable man on earth, but let’s go with some of the worst fashions of the late 80’s and early 90’s.
The Mens Cutoff Jean Shorts Tier
Men’s stone-washed cutoff jean shorts are hideous and should never be worn – ever. I mean do we really need to discuss this any further? This is the worst game of the week between two terrible teams.
SEAHAWKS (+10) over Lions (CRAPTASTIC GAME OF THE WEEK)
Lions are coming off a loss to the pathetic Rams, and the Seahawks got slapped around by the Cowboys. Seahawks continue to be beat up, and don’t run well or pass well, which is beneficial to the Lions, since they can’t stop the run or the pass. Yet the Seahawks still have the ability to rock bad teams when they come to the great Northwest.
The Grunge/Flannel Tier
Remember when everyone wanted to dress like Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder? Including the women? Hideous. You want to know why subscriptions to Playboy have decreased since the 1990’s? Walk around a big city or a college campus today and the girls aren’t wearing much more than they’re wearing on the pages of Hugh Hefner’s magazine. In the 90’s, girls were wearing huge baggy flannel shirts and pants up over their belly buttons, so dudes had to get those magazines to catch a glimpse of skin. Anyway, these are games with one decent or good team and one of the Screech Powers or Tori Scott teams.
JAGUARS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been dealing with the distractions of Larry Johnson for the past two weeks, and now the fans are trying to prevent him from breaking the team’s all-time rushing record. Sadly, at his current rate of a meager 2.7 ypc, it’s going to take him more than 30 carries to get there. The Jags are coming off a game when everyone except MJD played like a jag-off, yet they’re still better than the young Chiefs.
FALCONS (-10) over Redskins (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Falcons played well against the Saints, but haven’t quite learned how to finish games against top competition. The Redskins are nowhere near top competition. The Falcons may only need to score 13 to cover this spread. Even a bye week isn’t going to fix all the problems with Redskins. Do you think Zorn has his iPod hooked up to those headphones now that he’s not calling plays?
Packers (-9.5) over BUCCANEERS
Packers have struggled against good competition, but have beat up on the weaklings. The Bucs are the weakest of the weaklings. And this is a good week to put Clifton and Tauscher back into the starting line-up and let them have a nice easy week against some inferior competition. The Green Bay kryptonite has been giving up sacks, but thankfully for them the Bucs have no pass rush.
The Mall/Jersey Hair Tier
Using half a can of aqua net hairspray to keep your bangs 6-8 inches off your head and crimping your hair was supposed to be hot? I guess what’s more scary is the fact that this hairstyle still gets a decent amount of use currently in many parts of New Jersey and up north Wisconsin. Scary. These games have a couple of teams that refuse to die (like the hairstyle).
GIANTS (-4.5) over Chargers
Tom Coughlin has convinced his team that this game is a must-win and will save their season. That should be enough to overcome an up and down Chargers team flying across the country. The Giants will struggle to contain the deep ball to Vincent Jackson with their banged up secondary, but the Chargers defense will have a hard time slowing the Giants running game. In the battle of two average teams, take the home team.
49ERS (-4) over Titans
In the battle of highly drafted, bust quarterbacks trying to garner some value before their contracts expire at the end of the season, I’ll take the smarter guy – Alex Smith. The Titans looked revitalized last week, but Chris Johnson is not trying to run through the heartless Jags defense this week. Look for Michael Crabtree to have a chance to make some plays against the porous Titans secondary.
The Rolled Jeans Tier
Thankfully this was a pretty short-lived fad, and went away as fast as it became popular. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to wrap your pants as tight as possible around our ankles? And some people went as far as using pins to keep the rolls tight. These are games that have teams that could potentially make the playoffs, but you’re not going to reminisce about these games and how cool you were that you watched them.
Cardinals (+3) over BEARS
The last time these teams met, former Cardinals coach Dennis Green had his infamous “They are who we thought they were!” rant. Well, the Bears are still who we thought they were, a team with a weak pass defense and average offense. The Cards have won 3 straight road games, and while that’s tough to keep up, their defense should be angry after getting thrashed by the Panthers, and their offense should not turnover the ball as much as they did last week.
PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Dolphins
Last year in Foxborough, the Dolphins unveiled the wildcat and crushed the Pats. This time around, the Pats are coming off a bye, and the Phins are coming off a game where they needed to kickoff returns and a fumble return for a touchdown to beat the Jets. Brady didn’t spend his bye week in Cabo with Gisele, he spent it preparing to torch the Dolphins secondary.
Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
Almost two touchdowns is too many points to give, even to the juggernaut that is the 2009 Saints. Panthers have won 7 straight games in New Orleans and Louisiana native Jake Delhomme owns the Superdome (he started and won a game for the Saints before he joined the Panthers and won games there in college at Louisiana-Lafayette). Michael Turner showed last week that the Saints can be run on with the loss of Scott Fujita and Sedrick Ellis, which is bad news with Panthers’ second-in-the-NFC rushing attack (the Saints are the first) coming to town.
The Mullet Tier
As mentioned in the opening, the mullet continues to live on, a solid 20+ years past its expiration date. There were many different variations of the mullet, whether it’s the skinny guy leaning up against his IROC-Z28, or the guy with the sweet mullet and his Iron Maiden t-shirt, it was always a sight to behold. Anyone rocking the “business in the front, party in the back” look was definitely the coolest guy in the room. These are the prime time games of the week, almost all divisional matchups between playoff teams.
Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Ochocinco reportedly sent care packages to Ray Lewis and his defensive teammates that contained deodorant so they wouldn’t sweat. The Bengals are for real, as evidenced by their prior wins over the Ravens (in Baltimore) and the Steelers, but crazy people like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed don’t need any extra motivation.
Texans (+9) over COLTS
The Colts allowed the 49ers to hang around in Indy last week, so there’s no reason to believe the Texans won’t do the same thing, as they have a much more potent offense than the Niners. Texans also need this game to prove that they are a legit contender within the division and the league.
EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Eagles welcome another divisional foe to the Linc, the site of the demolition of the Giants last week. The fans will be fired up to wash away the sting of the World Series loss, and try to forget the fact that they’re in Philly and they suck. The Cowboys now have to deal with the diva Roy Williams, and Romo will try to force the ball to him, leading to a couple of turnovers. The Eagles don’t miss much without Westbrook in the lineup because the rookie RB McCoy has been very good.
Steelers (-3) over BRONCOS
The Steelers historically have been extremely strong on Monday night and extremely strong coming off a bye. They get both this week when they visit Mile High Stadium. It’s almost as much of a sure thing as Carrie Underwood dating another athlete (I guess she’s on her second hockey player after Romo Pyle). Steelers have the best run defense in the league, which will be a challenge for Knowshon Moreno to open up the passing game for Kyle Orton.