Week 6 NFL Power Rankings

No intros or stories, so let’s get right to the rankings. We saw some upsets this week and one complete slaughtering in the NFL, so there has been some shake up in the rankings. In honor of the passing of Captain Lou Albano last week, I decided to assign the teams pro wrestlers from the old WWF. I only went with guys back before it was renamed the WWE, and before the recharging during the late 90’s with guys like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker or Mankind. I stuck with pure 80’s and early 90’s guys. Those were the guys that I had about 40 of the 6” high rubber figures, and the strange thumb-wrestling toys where you stuck your thumb in the middle of their back.


1. Saints (last week: 3) – Hulk Hogan
The greatest wrestler of all time goes to the best team in the league. The Saints smacked the Giants around in the Big Easy to cement their place as the best team in the league. The Saints first playoff appearance in franchise history came in 1987, the same year I saw Hulk wrestle in person from the front row and caught his famed “Hulkamania” shirt that he threw into the crowd. Sometimes you see the VH-1 show and his hot but extremely tall and solidly built daughter trying to have a music career and you forget what a superstar he was in the 80's.

2. Colts (2) – Ultimate Warrior
Peyton Manning is the Ultimate Warrior and I just hope he is taking less steroids than the wrestler. And if Peyton did decide to paint a mask on his face, he would have a pretty big surface area on his forehead to get creative with. And I’m pretty sure he won’t even need the Warrior Press Slam this week against the Rams.

3. Vikings (4) – Hillbilly Jim
In honor of the country bumpkin persona that Brett Favre likes to play in front of the media. Second time in three weeks the Vikings have gotten away with a win they should have lost. Yet they have found a way to win and as long as Favre keeps up, they have an extremely dangerous offense and stout defense.

4. Giants (1) – Junkyard Dog
The G-men are the junkyard dogs of the league. Scrappy team without many real superstars and fights through injuries. Got their lunches eaten by the Saints last week, and the question is whether their 5-0 start was a product of a JV schedule.

5. Broncos (5) – Big John Studd
Josh McDaniels is proving to be the biggest stud from the Bill Belichick coaching tree. Although I’m not sure he could grow the beard to match Big John Studd – he would look sweet with that long mullet.

6. Falcons (6) – Randy “Macho Man” Savage
Ooooooh, yeah!! Matt Ryan is the Macho Man, and while I have no idea if he’s got someone as talented as Miss Elizabeth in his corner, he has taken the step to the elite QB level. Last week he gave Jay Cutler the flying elbow drop off the top rope.

7. Steelers (13) – Big Boss Man
Big Ben is the Big Boss Man as the Steelers have officially transformed from a running team to a passing team, relying on Ben’s arm. Ben took the night stick to the Browns this week and faces a much tougher test with the Vikings this week. Polamalu does not appear to be fully back, but will likely try to gut it out.

8. Patriots (11) – “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair
The ultimate bad guy or heel, Ric Flair “Whoooo!”’d his way to superstardom for a long, extended career, using the complicated figure four leg-lock as his finishing move. A perfect comparison to Bill Belichick, the biggest heel in the league with a complex offense that appears to be rounding into perfect form.

9. Bengals (8) – Rowdy Roddy Piper
You never knew what you were going to get with Piper – a good guy, a heel, a talk show, or just crazy talk. Well, it’s pretty much the same thing with Chad Ochocinco and the Bengals. Just when you think they’ve arrived, they lose to the Texans.

10. 49ers (14) – George “The Animal” Steele
Can’t you see Mike Singletary losing his mind and eating a turnbuckle?

11. Packers (15) – Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
The Packers could use The Barber’s garden sheers to cut their entire offensive line if they don’t get better quickly. Shutting out the Lions looked good on paper, but there were many red zone trips that ended in field goals and the running game is almost non-existent.

12. Bears (10) – Jesse “The Body” Ventura
Jay Cutler has the body and the arm of a pro bowl QB in the NFL. Unfortunately, he has the mental make-up of a politician. He’s enough to keep the Bears close, but with their poor running game and average defense, they will struggle to beat good teams. Well at least Cutler can run for governor of Minnesota when he retires.

13. Ravens (12) – Animal & Hawk, “The Legion of Doom” or “The Road Warriors”
Well the Ravens Legion of Doom defense has lost its spikes on its shoulder pads lately because their secondary has been lit up more than John Daly at the Miami clubs.

14. Jets (9) – Fatu/The Sultan/Rikishi
Similar in stature to the fiery Jets coach, and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want Rikishi or Rex to give you “stinkface” finishing move. Rex needs to lean on his running game and not force things with his rookie QB who has looked like he just got a stinkface during their 3 game losing streak.

15. Cardinals (19) – Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Superfly was a high-flying aerial wrestler who was in his 40’s when he was in his WWF prime during the 1980’s. Kurt Warner continues to impress with his aerial skills as he nears 40 with the Cardinals. Let’s hope that Kurt never dons those crazy tiger-striped shorts.

16. Eagles (7) – King Kong Bundy
I’m not sure who’s rounder, King Kong Bundy or Andy Reid. And I’m not sure who’s more of a big fat heel, Bundy or the Eagles for losing to the hapless Raiders. They Eagles are the week’s biggest fall as a result of that embarrassing showing.

17. Texans (22) – Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff
I really have no reason for the connection between the team and the wrestler. Orndorff was actually a college football player, but didn’t make it in the NFL because he failed physicals after being drafted in the 12th round. He was a major part of feuds with Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy, yet never was the main character. The Texans seem to be in the mix, but never consistent enough to be a key player.

18. Dolphins (18) – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
The Dolphins have used a wacky approach to get themselves back into the fringe of the playoff picture. Hacksaw used a wacky approach of marching around the ring, swinging a 2x4, and giving a thumbs up while screaming “Hooooooooooo!” Little known fact, Duggan was the first ever winner of a Royal Rumble match in 1988.

19. Cowboys (17) – “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase
The Cowboys spent billions of dollars to build their new stadium, but unfortunately they still have a bumbling coach and Romo Pyle at quarterback. Yet they were the only NFC East team not to lose last week….because they were the only team not to play.

20. Chargers (16) – Tito Santana
The Chargers have not been able to give a flying burrito to anyone this year. Tremendous underachieving team that should be a ton better than they have been. Maybe it’s just hard to focus when you’re living in the southern California weather and would rather spend time on the beach.

21. Jaguars (21) – Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Maurice Jones-Drew continues to be the hammer for Team Hyphen and they continue to be a mixed bag of results. A generally boring wrestler yet he seemed to be a part of some pretty big story lines when he teamed up with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.

22. Seahawks (20) – Koko B. Ware
Right there with the Chargers, Jaguars and Texans, they are completely baffle me on a weekly basis. They have colorful uniforms and are named after a bird, so they remind me of the colorful Koko B. Ware and his bird, Frankie.

23. Panthers (24) – British Bulldogs – Davey Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid
The Panthers found their dynamic 1-2 punch in the running game last week with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The Bulldogs had their pet dog that they brought to the ring with them, and the Panthers have their moody little pet in Steve Smith who is getting more and more frustrated by the week.

24. Bills (28) – Classy Freddie Blassie
No one questions Dick Jauron’s class, but he runs a dinosaur offense that is incapable of real success in the NFL any more.

25. Lions (23) – “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels
The Lions continue to make minor progress and are tremendously better than they were a year ago, despite their record barely budging. However, they continue to face heartbreak by having their QB and WR miss time with injuries, ensuring that they won’t be using the Sweet Chin Music finishing kick until those guys are healthy.

26. Raiders (31) – Bam Bam Bigelow
They somehow managed to jump up and bite the Eagles this week, proving that there is some talent on the team. And the fact that Louis Murphy threw 2 key blocks on Zach Miller’s 80 yard TD proves the team hasn’t given up. But they still have a big fat heel in Bam Bam Bigelow playing QB, which limits their upside. Do you think he tattooed his head to look kind of like hair once he became a wrestler, or did he tattoo his head and then realize that the only thing he could do was be a wrestler?

27. Browns (27) – Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Think Mangini wishes he was the former Belichick assistant that Bill still respects and is successful? Think Brady Quinn wishes he was able to get himself out of town like Braylon Edwards did? Maybe Quinn should go punch someone from Zydrunas Ilgauskas’s posse to expedite a trade.

28. Titans (26) – Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart
Jeff Fisher strangely resembles Hart with the mustache and mullet. Though he won’t need a megaphone if he gets canned in the offseason, he might want those shades to not have to watch Vince Young take over at QB.

29. Chiefs (29) – “Ravishing” Rick Rude
The perfect picture of steroid use and a white guy’s gerry-curl, Rude was a heel in the stable of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. No real reason to link them to the Chiefs, who finally got their first win by beating the Redskins……the same way the Lions and Panthers did already this year.

30. Redskins (25) – The Iron Shiek
The ultimate heel in wrestling, with his pointy, curled boots and Middle Eastern background, the Iron Shiek held the WWF World Championship belt until losing it to Hulk Hogan in 1983 in what was billed as the birth of “Hulkamania.” He also had a great finishing move with the “Camel Clutch.” The Redskins are the east coast version of the Raiders and their entire franchise is a mess.

31. Buccaneers (30) – Sergeant Slaughter
The Buccaneers continue to get slaughtered by everyone in the league and have a legit shot at going winless this year.

32. Rams (32) – “Iron” Mike Sharpe
Not many people probably remember Mike Sharpe, and no one is going to remember the 2009 Rams unless they go winless. The only reason I remember Mike Sharpe was that he was the guy who got his tail kicked in by Hulk Hogan at the 1987 match I saw live. He was the guy that everyone beat up on, much like the Rams.

ALCS & NLCS Previews

Before getting to the baseball playoffs, a moment of silence for Captain Lou Albano, who passed away yesterday. In addition to being an actual wrestler back in the day, he became more famous for the Hawaian shirts, crazy hair and rubber bands in his beard. And who can forget that he played the father in Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video? Takes me back to when wrestling seemed like a mainstream sport when I was growing up. Watching some of the greats from the 80's and 90's, before Vince McMahon made it into all about too much violence and production and less about the wrestling.

ALCS – Angles at Yankees

So the easy pick in this series is to take the Yankees. They have the big payroll, they steamrolled the Twins, have the big name pitching, solid bullpen, home field advantage, and are the favorites to win the World Series. But let’s not dismiss this Angels team so fast (like I did in the first round, picking the Sox to knock them out in 4 games). Let’s break this down John Madden-style………

“Now there’s a team that’s better than the Twins. See, they won more games than the Twins, and even though Brett Favre is now in Minnesota, the Angels are better than the Twins.”

If the Twins had come up with a couple of clutch hits and maybe gotten the correct call on that Joe Mauer liner in game 3, it would have been competitive. Now those are huge if’s and it’s like saying if OJ hadn’t (allegedly) stabbed those people he would have continued jumping luggage for Hertz and making Naked Gun movies. But the bottom line is that the Twins did not play well after being extremely hot down the stretch to steal that playoff spot. And the Angels are a better team than the Twins, not just because of their better record. They have better pitching, more speed, and a great manager in Mike Scioscia. The Yankees swept all 10 games they played against the Twins this year (playoffs included), and split their 10 games with the Angels.

“Now, now, what we have is a big guy in Sabbathia, who can just, BOOM! Zip that ball in there and dominate the game. I mean, he’d be good competition for me at an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

CC will always have a special place in my heart for carrying the Brewers to the playoffs last year, and he followed it up with a tremendous year in the Bronx, possibly winning the Cy Young award going 19-8. Yet, he was 0-2 with an ERA over 6 against the Angles this year, and he’ll be starting game 1 in NY when the weather is supposed to be brutal – possibly rain and definitely cold. CC is a California guy, and I still believe that he wanted to sign with the Angels last off season, but had to take the mammoth amount of money being thrown at him by the Steinbrenners. So I’m not convinced that he will be lights out in the first game, and if he’s not, the Angels have a chance to build some momentum and put some pressure on the Yanks. And we know how A-Rod feels about pressure.

“Brett Favre is great under pressure and there’s a guy that can just play football, because he’s a football player. If he were a baseball player, then he would, you know, be a baseball player. AJ Burnett is no Brett Favre because he doesn’t even have the same initials and then……..and then………….there you go.”

AJ Burnett has never been a big game pitcher and in fact has shied away from attention or big games historically. Keith Law of ESPN (formerly a Blue Jays front office guy) claimed that Burnett would rather spend time in the training room than on the mound. Add that to the fact that he needs to have his personal catcher in Benji Molina (at least I think it’s Benji. It’s one of those Molina brothers), and the drama that results with the Yankees biggest diva, Jorge Posada. Poor little Jorge is angry that he doesn’t get to start every game at catcher, but the Angels are going to run and it’s going to much harder with Molina behind the plate than if Posada’s noodle arm is back there lobbing rainbows down to second and allowing passed balls regularly. If the Angels get to Sabbathia in game 1, the pressure will be on Burnett, which is not a good thing for him.

The Yankees are talking about going with a 3-man rotation, and the Yankees should probably be the most confident in their 3rd starter, Andy Pettite. If the weather holds out, there is a chance that the Yankees could go with a 3 man rotation, giving Sabbathia 3 starts in the 7 game series. If the weather doesn’t work out, then they have to make a decision between throwing Chad Gaudin or taking Joba out of the bullpen.

The Yankees do have the big bats in Texeira and Rodriguez to carry them if the starting pitching falters and their bullpen has been tremendous with Joba back where he belongs, Phil Hughes and the ageless Marianano Rivera. But the Yankees will have to also contain Vlad Guerrero, who despite having a subpar (for him) regular season, hit over .400 against the Yankees, and Torii Hunter, who has a knack for the big moment.

And I haven’t even mentioned the huge edge the Angels have in coaching with Mike Scioscia over Joe Girardi. Not only has Scioscia owned New York as a manager of the Angels, when he played for the Dodgers he was a thorn in the side of the Big Apple – knocking the Mets out of the NLCS in 1988, and being a part of the 1978 Dodger team that defeated the Yankees. And also add the extra motivation to win to honor their fallen teammate Nick Adenhart, and you have a well-coached and motivated team of destiny.

Bottom Line: The Angels are going to give the Yankees all they can handle and more. It should be an extremely entertaining series that will give the New York media multiple moments to flip out and turn on their home team like they always do. Prediction: Angels in 7

--------------------------------------------

NLCS – Phillies at Dodgers

The Dodgers get a chance to avenge last season’s NLCS loss to the eventual champion Phillies. The Phillies get a chance to prove that last season wasn’t a fluke and win back-to-back titles. In what should be a good matchup on the field and also adds off-the field stories if the Dodgers win with Joe Torre getting a chance to go back to face the Yankees in their new stadium, or the potential of an all LA/Anaheim series. Reminds me of the scene in Swingers:

“Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.”
“Anaheim.”
“Whatever, man…”
“….It’s not like you grew up in Compton, Sue, with bullets whizzing by your head...”
“People get car-jacked.”
“Who would ever carjack your f—kin K-Car?”

So let’s break this series down Drew Rosenhaus-style………..

“Next Question.”

The Phillies starting pitching has the two big names in Cliff Lee and Cole Hammels, while the Dodgers throw a young stud in Clayton Kershaw and then follow it up with Vincente Padilla, Hideki Kuroda coming back from injury and Randy Wolf. As a side note, didn’t the Rangers cut Padilla after he got swine flu? And now he’s pitching in the NLCS? Seems like the swine flu actually worked out well for him. But like I pointed out the other day, Hammels struggled all year, finishing 10-11 and got hit hard in game 2 against the Rockies. He will be starting in game 1, and it’s a night game, so he won’t have that excuse to lean on if he gets shelled again. Cliff Lee was lights out against the Rockies, proving that his lack of big-game experience would not be a factor. Kershaw, Wolf and Padilla were solid against the Cards, besting Cy Young favorites Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright. Having lefties in Kershaw and Wolf seems like the best chance to neutralize Utley, Howard and Ibanez. Overall, it seems like a wash.
“Next Question.”

The Phillies hit more HR than any team in the league – by a wide margin – hitting more than 220 with the next closest team being the Rockies being below 190. Manny cruised down the stretch, but is always dangerous in clutch situations. Adam Eithier appears to be a legitimate stud, and James Loney and Casey Blake provide reliable protection in the line-up. For the Phils, it’s all about Ryan Howard, who came up with clutch hits against the Rockies and is proving to be a more reliable hitter (for more than just HR) than even Chase Utley. Howard has gotten timely support from Jayson Werth and Raul Ibanez, which makes the Phillies lineup dangerous almost from top to bottom. Slight edge to the Phillies.

“Next Question.”

The Phillies were among the top defensive teams in the league during the regular season, but played uncharacteristically poor against the Rockies. Manny is always a defensive liability, yet manages to unleash a laser whenever he needs it. Neither team is exceptionally poor on defense, so I’ll call it a wash again.

“Next Question.”

Joe Torre has more playoff wins than any manager in history, and would love to get another one before the Yankees do. While the knock on him has always been that he was a caretaker for well-paid, veteran-led teams, this Dodger team is young and the team follows their manager’s calm and collected demeanor. Charlie Manuel earned his stripes with last season’s title run, but against the Phillies got away with a few questionable decisions – starting Cliff Lee in game 1 when he had never started a playoff game, pitching Cole Hammels in game 2 during the day knowing he had struggled mightily in day games, and burning Joe Blanton and JA Happ in game 2. Luckily for Manuel, the weather in Denver postponed game 3, which allowed him to come back with JA Happ, but it could have been dicey if that game would have had to be played on Saturday night. Advantage: Dodgers, heavily.

“Next Question.”

The Dodgers bullpen has been solid, with the mid-season acquisition of George Sherrill setting up for the fireballer Jonathan Broxton. Against the Cards in game 3, I didn’t see him throw a pitch under 98. The Dodgers had the lowest bullpen ERA in the league during the regular season, and show no slowing down. The Phillies bullpen is a mess because you never know what you’re going to get with Brad Lidge. Yes, he was effective against the Rockies, but has a team ever won the World Series while removing their closer during the season, only to give him the job back right before the playoffs? Advantage: Dodgers

Bottom Line: In another what should also be a closely contested series, the Dodgers pitching is more reliable than the Phillies, because I’m basing it on what I’ve seen of Cole Hammels this year, not his reputation from last year. And when you factor in a better and more versatile bench that will factor into close late inning moments, and a better bullpen, I see the Dodgers getting their revenge from next year and moving on to their first World Series since 1988. Dodgers in 6 games.