Squirrel is Live From Miami & Overhyped Super Bowl Stories

Before we get to this week's rankings, I have to mention the impressive showing by the Wisconsin Badgers in dismantling Michigan State last night. The Badgers were hot from the field and shredded the Spartan defense all night. There's nothing more satisfying than watching Tom Izzo cry on the sidelines when his team is getting is arse handed to them in every aspect of the game. Izzo is a great coach (5 Final Fours in 11 years speaks for itself), but I have never seen someone cry or whine so much. He doesn't get angry or yell at officials, he just pouts and whines to them. It's really pathetic to watch. Tommy, face it, Bo owns you at the Kohl Center. It's just reality.

It’s ranking time and with the Super Bowl just a few short days away, let’s rank the stories that have been and will continue to be beaten into the ground before kickoff. Starting with the least annoying and ending with the stories that have already been killed and should be let go.

But first, we received word from none other than the Squirrel, who is on location in Miami with a first hand report. Squirrel has officially become the roving reporter for the site after his report from Alabama during the national championship game, and here are a couple of highlights from Miami. It sounds like he’s enjoying himself already.

Let your readers know that Miami is beautiful and that if they are considering making the trip for the Superbowl, it is highly recommended. We got here on media day, which was notoriously rained out.. but things have improved tremendously. Today, my wife and I laid out at the beach, then the pool, then went back to the beach. Its 70s and sunny. Superbowl week in Miami is way better than the National Championship week in Alabama. A few tips: Sunny Iles Drive is one of the shortest paths from the Superbowl to the beach. Sunny Iles drive = MLK blvd. (remember what Chris Rock said about MLK drive? If not, watch this – starting about the 30 second mark.) don't worry, things clear up and you make it to the beach where everything is good. Turn right at the ocean and Southbeach and the rich folks are down there.

95.7 is not the oldies channel, like it is in Milwaukee. If you only speak english, put this at pre-set #1. All Espanol all the time. Love it. We were jamming it in the red mustang convertible driving to the hotel; the locals were impressed. Finally, we saw the Goodyear blimp cruising over Miami beach today. Probably taking some film for footage to show during the game.. So if you see it, be prepared that, unfortunately for us, and those like us, the ratio of banana hammocks to thongs is 1.5 to 1. Maybe its a bad time of year. And to be clear, not many of the aforementioned people should be sporting such items.

Thank you field reporter, Squirrel!! Now on to the overhyped stories for the week:

5 – Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion ad.

This is not the forum to discuss pro-life or pro-choice. I don’t really care what stance you have, it’s your right to have that opinion one way or the other. Tim Tebow also has that right to have an opinion and considering his story (his mother was encouraged to abort her pregnancy due to medical complications and she chose to have the baby, which grew into Tim), how could you blame him for having that stance? The issue is whether the NFL/CBS can control whether to show it. If they open up the lid to this ad, then the next step will be an ad for the opposing view and then we’ll get ads for and against political candidates. It’s a slippery slope away from funny beer and internet commercials that people actually enjoy watching during the game.

4 – Kyle Eckel

I won’t rehash the details here, as Gregg Doyel does a much better job of it here. It’s just a strange story without any clear answers, but if Eckel does anything in the game, Jim Nantz and Phill Simms will beat the story into the ground. Speaking of Jim Nantz, did everyone see his guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother on Monday night? Fantastic. Definitely worth a replay. He came across as funny, and a regular guy, which is the opposite of how he came off during his divorce when his wife accused him of wanting to hang a 15 foot painting of himself in their living room.

3 – Colt’s Shun Perfection

If the Colts win the game, there will be an endless stream of people in the media making the following statement “The Colts won every game they gave full effort in, so they could have went 19-0.” Life doesn’t work like that, people. For all we know, if Peyton had stayed in the game against the Jets, Calvin Pace might have broken free and left a “remember me” shot (thanks Gregg Williams!) on Peyton that could have ended his season. Or maybe Reggie Wayne twists an ankle. Or….you get the point. It's the "Butterfly Effect" in that one little change in the past has huge ripple effects on the future. There is no telling what could or would have happened. The Colts believed resting their players was the best decision to help them win the Super Bowl. If they win on Sunday, that resting decision was the best decision they could have made. That’s all that matters.

2 – Dwight Freeeney’s Ankle

I’m not saying his ankle isn’t a huge deal in determining who will win the game. He is the best player on the fast Colts defense and his ankle will slow him significantly if he is able to play at all. I just don’t want to hear about it on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday. It is not going to heal overnight. It’s just not. Anyone who has busted up an ankle like this is well aware of how little changes in 1 day. Yet we’re going to get doctors, witch doctors, psychics and that guy who sings “Pants on the Ground” to weigh in on whether Freeney will be able to play. Speaking of gruesome injuries, check out the picture of Brett Favre’s ankle after the NFC Championship. While I don’t like him as a person, you cannot argue with the dude’s toughness.

1 – Kim’s Boyfriend, Reggie Bush

We get it, Kim Kardashian is a star because she looks great in a dress or a bikini. Wait, has she ever done anything to be famous other than make a sex tape with Brandi’s little brother, Ray-Jay? Well, her step-father is Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, does that make her famous? Nope, not really. Has she acted? Nope. Anyway, we’re going to get bombarded with stories about whether her and Reggie are going to get married, and plenty of shots of the entire Kardashian crew traveling to the game together. The real story is whether Reggie can have an impact on the game the way he did against the Cardinals. Because if he does, there is a chance the Saints will give him a nice fat contract extension. If he doesn’t, it’s going to raise questions on whether he is worth the investment and the Saints could cut him loose from their backfield which already contains solid backs like Pierre Thomas and Mike Bell.

Live From Alabama..........Squirrel!!

It's a special day - a double dip of postings. Why? Because we have late-breaking news with a live report from the ground in Alabama from none other than the reknowned T. Squirrel. If you want to get right to the earlier post with the NFL Wildcard weekend picks, click here. Otherwise I'll turn the floor over to Squirrel.................. (I've added the pictures independently from his story)

Greetings from Alabama- Roll Tide! First things first, did the rest of the nation hear the song.. "I'm gonna open up a can-a ala freaking bama" jamming all night long? If not, start listening as you read...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6S4ic2mdL0

As ya'll yankees know, I'm not from here, nor am I an Alabama football fan, not that I have anything against Bama, I just don't really care, so that gives me an unbias platform to work from here. I happen to be spending the week of the national championship game in Alabama, so I thought I'd mingle with the locals for the game. --Disclaimer.. I don't really have any interesting stories anymore. I'm married and love my wife and baby on the way-- but,it was the party that almost never happened.

Its cold (17 degrees) and snowing here. Forecast showed maybe a 1/2 inch of snow for the area.... therefore, the news showed people buying generators and had segments about how to drive in snow, police telling people to stay off the roads, etc. That means that the city was shutting down, literally. My training on thursday ended at noon and friday is cancelled. The pre-game happy hour was at the local lounge, where I had one miller lite, which was one beer for every space heater they were using to heat the joint. Nevermind there is no snow accumulation and never was, but it was falling from the sky, so round up the kids and hide in the basement.

We called around and found an open food and spirits serving shack, (complete with heat and electricity) just a few miles down the road, so here we go. The venue was Heroes sportsbar in Anniston, Alabama. I do like being in the south, other than badly needing a meal that isn't fried chicken. There are bountiful college co-eds here, as we have in the midwest.. but they talk with such a southern drawl that it makes you think, not only are they cute, but they must be really stupid, which must be very attractive for the young collegiate male looking for a friend. Good talent was observed, and I love the braided pigtails, seen in -three- young ladies at the bar.. thats a real nice suprise, Clark, because the rest of the US doesnt see this outside of the 20 something halloween special in a skirt. Ladies, you've all done it, so shut your yaps.

I'll leave most of the game analysis to professionals like Trent, but a few in-game comments. Rough start. That was probably one of the most miserable opening drives ever, and nice fake punt interception on fourth and 1/4 field. Nobody stressed down here, it was early.. fan focus was on eating and drinking. Even when the star quarterback Colt McCoy, who may carry Texas to national glory, goes down, I expect to hear the crowd start chanting "shoot em like a horse" or other compassionate messages, but the opponents were quite cordial. Perhaps it was just because he jumped off the field without a Rod Tidwell style knockout drama on the turf. But here comes the Tide. Ingram scores the first TD for Bama, which puts them ahead 7-6 and heres comes the country jam.. I'm gonna open up a can-a alafreaking bama!! what the hell is that song? Evidently, I was the only one who didn't know, because it was like being in a damn barn.. boot stomping, yelping, (ala kramer and joe dimaggio), and singing along.

After a little morning research, i guess its a real song, see above. Doubled it down on those speakers for a defensive big man TD on the shovel pass int?? open up a can-a...!!! Fans must have gotten awfully nervous in the 4th after the freshman qb took it to the skies and made it close, but just as soon as the potentially winning texas drive was getting started, they opened up a can-a one more time. YEEEEE-Haw! And for my final Alabama pop-culture reference, picture me as the lady laying on happy gilmore's car ... "Mister Mister, GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

T. Squirrel

Degenerate Friday!! Week 9 Picks

So, right about now, our dear friend Squirrel is probably getting a little nervous. In less than 48 hours, he’s going to be walking down the aisle to permanently attach that ball and chain to his leg from a woman that is way better than he ever deserves. Congrats, buddy!!! Welcome to the club of guys who have outpunted their coverage, yet somehow got the women drunk or crazy enough to say “I do” to us. Looking forward to seeing most of the crew outside Chicago this weekend, and we’ll miss the rest that can’t make it – but something tells me we’ll tip up more than a few in your honor. On to sports……..

Ummmmm, Mr. Agassi, please stop. Just shut up, and don’t tell us anymore. If you like to set things on fire, maybe you should have lit your books on fire. Tanking matches, wearing a wig, wearing lifts, doing crystal meth and not wearing underwear while playing? Seriously dude, why are you writing a book about this? No one wants to know this stuff.

Speaking of shut-up, here’s a big one for you, Roy Williams. That was a rather large bus you just launched your QB (Romo Pyle) and fellow WR (Austin Miles) under. Complaining about the way the ball is thrown to you relative to how it’s thrown to Miles, and disrespecting Miles by constantly referring to him as “#2”? Is this an Austin Powers movie or an NFL team? Way to have the team mentality now that your team is actually on a pretty good roll. Oh, and by the way, Roy, you lead the league in drops.

Last week, I finally got out of the .500 range, and I broke out with authority. Only it was to the downside, with a pathetic 4-9 record. I’m just going to call it one week of lost focus and get back to the .500 mark and beyond this weekend. There is a pretty decent slate of games, some big divisional matchups, some teams that are trying to climb out of terrible starts, and others that are trying to bounce back after a rough stretch.

When figuring out how to classify the games this week, I thought about a conversation I was having with my brother about an old friend of a friend and whether they still had their flat-top haircut. I responded that people still have mullets. That led him to point out that as long as there are fans of NASCAR racing and hockey, there will always be mullets. For both racing and hockey, the most exciting part of the sport involves crashes, fights, or fights after a crash. Those are the moments that involve absolutely zero intelligence, which tells you all you need to know about the sport, and those who follow them. And one last blast on hockey – I cannot be a fan of a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters” because sweaters are for holidays and keeping warm, not for playing sports.

So, long opening, but let’s get to the games……..I don’t claim to be the most fashionable man on earth, but let’s go with some of the worst fashions of the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The Mens Cutoff Jean Shorts Tier
Men’s stone-washed cutoff jean shorts are hideous and should never be worn – ever. I mean do we really need to discuss this any further? This is the worst game of the week between two terrible teams.

SEAHAWKS (+10) over Lions (CRAPTASTIC GAME OF THE WEEK)
Lions are coming off a loss to the pathetic Rams, and the Seahawks got slapped around by the Cowboys. Seahawks continue to be beat up, and don’t run well or pass well, which is beneficial to the Lions, since they can’t stop the run or the pass. Yet the Seahawks still have the ability to rock bad teams when they come to the great Northwest.

The Grunge/Flannel Tier
Remember when everyone wanted to dress like Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder? Including the women? Hideous. You want to know why subscriptions to Playboy have decreased since the 1990’s? Walk around a big city or a college campus today and the girls aren’t wearing much more than they’re wearing on the pages of Hugh Hefner’s magazine. In the 90’s, girls were wearing huge baggy flannel shirts and pants up over their belly buttons, so dudes had to get those magazines to catch a glimpse of skin. Anyway, these are games with one decent or good team and one of the Screech Powers or Tori Scott teams.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been dealing with the distractions of Larry Johnson for the past two weeks, and now the fans are trying to prevent him from breaking the team’s all-time rushing record. Sadly, at his current rate of a meager 2.7 ypc, it’s going to take him more than 30 carries to get there. The Jags are coming off a game when everyone except MJD played like a jag-off, yet they’re still better than the young Chiefs.

FALCONS (-10) over Redskins (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Falcons played well against the Saints, but haven’t quite learned how to finish games against top competition. The Redskins are nowhere near top competition. The Falcons may only need to score 13 to cover this spread. Even a bye week isn’t going to fix all the problems with Redskins. Do you think Zorn has his iPod hooked up to those headphones now that he’s not calling plays?

Packers (-9.5) over BUCCANEERS
Packers have struggled against good competition, but have beat up on the weaklings. The Bucs are the weakest of the weaklings. And this is a good week to put Clifton and Tauscher back into the starting line-up and let them have a nice easy week against some inferior competition. The Green Bay kryptonite has been giving up sacks, but thankfully for them the Bucs have no pass rush.

The Mall/Jersey Hair Tier
Using half a can of aqua net hairspray to keep your bangs 6-8 inches off your head and crimping your hair was supposed to be hot? I guess what’s more scary is the fact that this hairstyle still gets a decent amount of use currently in many parts of New Jersey and up north Wisconsin. Scary. These games have a couple of teams that refuse to die (like the hairstyle).

GIANTS (-4.5) over Chargers
Tom Coughlin has convinced his team that this game is a must-win and will save their season. That should be enough to overcome an up and down Chargers team flying across the country. The Giants will struggle to contain the deep ball to Vincent Jackson with their banged up secondary, but the Chargers defense will have a hard time slowing the Giants running game. In the battle of two average teams, take the home team.

49ERS (-4) over Titans
In the battle of highly drafted, bust quarterbacks trying to garner some value before their contracts expire at the end of the season, I’ll take the smarter guy – Alex Smith. The Titans looked revitalized last week, but Chris Johnson is not trying to run through the heartless Jags defense this week. Look for Michael Crabtree to have a chance to make some plays against the porous Titans secondary.

The Rolled Jeans Tier
Thankfully this was a pretty short-lived fad, and went away as fast as it became popular. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to wrap your pants as tight as possible around our ankles? And some people went as far as using pins to keep the rolls tight. These are games that have teams that could potentially make the playoffs, but you’re not going to reminisce about these games and how cool you were that you watched them.

Cardinals (+3) over BEARS
The last time these teams met, former Cardinals coach Dennis Green had his infamous “They are who we thought they were!” rant. Well, the Bears are still who we thought they were, a team with a weak pass defense and average offense. The Cards have won 3 straight road games, and while that’s tough to keep up, their defense should be angry after getting thrashed by the Panthers, and their offense should not turnover the ball as much as they did last week.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Dolphins
Last year in Foxborough, the Dolphins unveiled the wildcat and crushed the Pats. This time around, the Pats are coming off a bye, and the Phins are coming off a game where they needed to kickoff returns and a fumble return for a touchdown to beat the Jets. Brady didn’t spend his bye week in Cabo with Gisele, he spent it preparing to torch the Dolphins secondary.

Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
Almost two touchdowns is too many points to give, even to the juggernaut that is the 2009 Saints. Panthers have won 7 straight games in New Orleans and Louisiana native Jake Delhomme owns the Superdome (he started and won a game for the Saints before he joined the Panthers and won games there in college at Louisiana-Lafayette). Michael Turner showed last week that the Saints can be run on with the loss of Scott Fujita and Sedrick Ellis, which is bad news with Panthers’ second-in-the-NFC rushing attack (the Saints are the first) coming to town.

The Mullet Tier
As mentioned in the opening, the mullet continues to live on, a solid 20+ years past its expiration date. There were many different variations of the mullet, whether it’s the skinny guy leaning up against his IROC-Z28, or the guy with the sweet mullet and his Iron Maiden t-shirt, it was always a sight to behold. Anyone rocking the “business in the front, party in the back” look was definitely the coolest guy in the room. These are the prime time games of the week, almost all divisional matchups between playoff teams.

Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Ochocinco reportedly sent care packages to Ray Lewis and his defensive teammates that contained deodorant so they wouldn’t sweat. The Bengals are for real, as evidenced by their prior wins over the Ravens (in Baltimore) and the Steelers, but crazy people like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed don’t need any extra motivation.

Texans (+9) over COLTS
The Colts allowed the 49ers to hang around in Indy last week, so there’s no reason to believe the Texans won’t do the same thing, as they have a much more potent offense than the Niners. Texans also need this game to prove that they are a legit contender within the division and the league.

EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Eagles welcome another divisional foe to the Linc, the site of the demolition of the Giants last week. The fans will be fired up to wash away the sting of the World Series loss, and try to forget the fact that they’re in Philly and they suck. The Cowboys now have to deal with the diva Roy Williams, and Romo will try to force the ball to him, leading to a couple of turnovers. The Eagles don’t miss much without Westbrook in the lineup because the rookie RB McCoy has been very good.

Steelers (-3) over BRONCOS
The Steelers historically have been extremely strong on Monday night and extremely strong coming off a bye. They get both this week when they visit Mile High Stadium. It’s almost as much of a sure thing as Carrie Underwood dating another athlete (I guess she’s on her second hockey player after Romo Pyle). Steelers have the best run defense in the league, which will be a challenge for Knowshon Moreno to open up the passing game for Kyle Orton.

Week 6 Hangover - Love/Hate

Couple quick airline stories from the weekend before the Love/Hate…….

7:00 am flight out of LaGuardia, boarding up around 6:45, and then become plane #31 in line to take off, so there’s some time to kill on the run way. Girl in the center seat wearing sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up decides she’s hungry. Rustles in her bag and pulls out a full size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Really? Who brings a full-size bag of Doritos on a plane? For a 7:00 AM flight!?! So it’s now just after 7 in the morning, with the smell of cool ranch Doritos dominating the plane. And she doesn’t have any napkins and since you don’t want to waste any of that great cool ranch flavor, the natural thing to do is lick your fingers and hands to make sure you get all that goodness. Ugh. As the plane finally takes off and the flight attendants come by for beverages, what does she request? A Mountain Dew, of course. And no diet for this one – go for the Mountain Dew heavy. Amazingly, the attendant didn’t have any.

On the flight back Sunday night, Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr of Gossip Girl were sitting two rows behind us. Yeah, I watch Gossip Girl. Yes, I have a wife. Yes, it’s an excuse to watch Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. (note: Squirrel, get used to giving up the remote dude. You only have 2 weeks left.) In reality, Westwick is really short, and Szohr looked homeless.

LOVE

- The winner of the Florida-Alabama game will play Texas for the national title. No one wants to see Boise State or Iowa in the title game. No one.

- That Notre Dame-USC game had the 2 best QBs in the country. Barkley is a stud for a true freshman, and Claussen might be the most pro-ready prospect out there. USC is having their typical season, beat Ohio State early, lose the following week against a middle of the pack Pac-10 team, then round into form and be the best team in the country right before the bowl season.

- The Patriots are not dead and looked an awful lot like the 2007 Patriots – running up the score and squashing inferior opponents. Oh, and that Brady guy goes for 5 TDs in the second quarter. Titans were embarrassing to watch. The fall out? Jeff Fisher might get the axe in Nashville because that team showed they quit. Maybe it’s time for a change, and Fisher will immediately become the leading candidate for the soon-to-be-open Cowboys job.

- The Badger Snuggie was everywhere at the game this week. Also everywhere at the game were many Iowa farmers/fans. I was concerned that there was going to be a corn shortage since all those farmers were at the game and not tending their farms. Then again, they might as well travel to watch Iowa play, what the heck else are you going to do if you stay in Iowa?

- Modern Family is the best new show on television. Al Bundy is having a career resurgence.

HATE

- Mark Sanchez had never played in a game when the temperature was below 55 degrees in his life. Grew up in Cali, went to USC and now with the Jets. And in his first game in that weather? A game almost as bad as Jake Delhomme’s season opener. The Jets had a 210 yard rusher and a 99 yard rusher and lost in OT. Hopefully he figures it out, because the Meadowlands has a slightly different climate than southern California.

- The Angels look nothing like the disciplined and talented team that they were most of the season and they are in serious trouble. Down 2 games and facing Pettite is a tough task.

- The 2-3-2 format for the playoffs is ridiculous and asinine. If the Angels win just their home games, they will have 2 shots to close out the Yankees in games 6 and 7. If you don’t have home field advantage, you should never be leading the series just by winning your home games. I get the travel and cost constraints, but the schedule is stupid. And don’t get me started on the number of off days.

- You cannot be a Super Bowl contender and lose to the Raiders. There are no excuses for McNabb or Andy Reid. Because Reid is a jovial fat guy, everyone will give him a pass and say it was a one week slip up and they’ll learn from it. If it were the Cowboys that lost to the Raiders? Or the Giants? But that is the sign of team that is not mentally tough. McNabb has never been mentally tough and continues to prove it.

- Nice game Ohio State. Terrell Pryor is a joke. He’s not even as good as Kordell Stewart ever was.

- Have to feel bad for Sam Bradford. The guy would have been among the top picks in the draft last year, and went back to school to fight for a national championship and be a college kid for one more year. Now he’s injured his shoulder twice and his draft stock is going down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera.

Degenerate Friday - Week 3

Last week I went 8-8 (and if you discount the homer pick of the Packers, it’s a winning record) and got the lock of the week correct. I’m going to see that as progress from week 1, and we’re rounding into midseason form………or something like that.

This week I decided to break the games into different categories based on the intrigue/quality of the game. I broke the games into 4 tiers and labeled them with the cars from the Mound Street Crew. For those of you that don’t know, that’s the house in Madison that I lived in during my senior year of college with 5 other guys (the crew also includes Hildo, because he was there more than he wasn’t). It was a treat of a house….with 6 bedrooms, only 5 of which received heat (sorry Archie), 2 of the rooms were connected by a thin door (Squirrel & Diggity basically spooned through the door all year), 1 was barely big enough for a bed (sorry Web), and one had a sink and a fire escape/balcony (my room). Oh and who could forget the Blair Witch in the basement with a 5-foot high ceiling?

QUICK UPDATE: This is why the Cubs suck, will always suck and why C.U.B.S means: Completely Useless By September - a slap knocks their "star" 1B out of the game. What a joke.

And one more quick aside before getting to the games……..reason #232 why I don’t do heroin/quaaludes/etc: Mackenzie Phillips.

Same disclaimers every week - see last week for the full explanation......recreational use only, etc.

TOP TIER: Hildo’s BMW
It was the first luxury car for the group, which makes sense considering Hildo was 23 years older than us and finishing grad school while we were finishing undergrad. It was a brand new 2003 3-series BMW and much like the games in this tier, we expected high performance with some star power. Let’s hope that the games produce more scoring than Hildo saw in the car.

Titans (+2.5) over JETS
Titans are desperate and desperate teams with a good coach, a strong running game and strong run defense are dangerous. The Titans have had trouble against the pass the first two weeks (See Santonio Holmes & Andre Johnson), but that shouldn’t matter against Mark Sanchez and the Jets basic passing game. Jets run defense has been stout, and Darrelle Revis has looked like one of the best corners in the league, but I think the Titans can put up enough points to pull out a tough road victory.

PATRIOTS (-4) over Falcons
Tall order for Matty Ryan’s return to Boston – beat a ticked off Patriots team. Maybe Tom Brady should hire his security guards to play offensive line for New England, as they (allegedly) protected Mr. & Mrs. Giselle better than Logan Mankins and company have protected Brady in the first two weeks. Pats need this game more than the Falcons, and home field makes the difference.

Saints (-6) over BILLS
Buffalo has looked impressive in splitting their first two games, but I just don’t see them being able to keep up with the juggernaut Saints offense. Saints benefit from playing in upstate NY before the weather has a chance to be a factor. I think Trent Edwards is getting more comfortable with the offense and the inevitable TO dropped passes and they will be a factor all season long.

Cardinals (-2.5) over Colts
Much like a Thursday night at Brothers with $1 swampwaters, there should be a lot of action in this one, and it shouldn’t take “Living on a Prayer” on the juke box to get it started. It’s a difficult task for the short-handed Colts to win on Monday night on the road in Miami, then travel cross country on a short week and face a talented Cards offense. Strangely, the Cards running game should be the difference in this one, as the Cards get a big win.

TIER 2: Diggity’s Saab
The Saab was a very nice car in very good condition with a strong record of performance. The car had the ability to turn it up a notch with the turbo engine. These games should be entertaining and have intriguing players or story lines, with the ability to turn into the best games of the week. Also, the trunk was exceptionally spacious and relatively comfortable to ride in on the way home from the bar as long as TerBear (our underappreciated DD) was gentle on the brakes…………errrr, not that I would know.

Chiefs (+9.5) over EAGLES
This shouldn’t be a DOG of a game…….I like the underDOG in this game…….It could be a RUFF day for the Eagles……..okay, those are all the dog lines I could come up with for the return of Michael Vick. No one knows how much Vick is going to play or what his role is going to be. Kevin Kolb had enough trouble not turning the ball over without the distraction of Vick coming in and out of the game. I can hear you Philly idiots whining already: “but he threw for 390 yards!!” – that’s because Andy Reid is fundamentally opposed to running the ball and not having seconds at the dinner table. Chiefs keep it close enough to get the cover.

49ers (+7) over VIKINGS
I guess I’m late to the party on the Niners, but they appear to be the real deal and this is the week to prove it in the only matchup of 2-0 teams this week. Their defense can present problems for ODF and potentially slow Peterson (you know, only 100 yards and ONLY 1 TD) - though he's slightly banged up and was a limited participant in practice late in the week. The question is whether their offense can generate enough points against the tough Vikings defense. Hopefully the Frank Gore that gashed the Seahawks last week shows up, and is ready to carry the load again.

Bears (-2) over SEAHAWKS
Time for the bad Cutler to make another appearance. The mobile Seneca Wallace gives the ‘Hawks a better chance behind the banged up o-line, but there’s a reason he’s 5-7 as a starter: he’s not very good. Bad Cutler adds a couple more INTs to his total, and after the game Lovie Smith repeats a familiar phrase: “Rex Cutler is our quarterback.” Gore destroyed the Seahawks last week, so if Forte is going to get going, this is a good week for it to start.

Steelers (-4) over BENGALS
Classic game to not overreact too much to last week’s results. The Steelers coughed one up when the lonesome kicker Jeff Reed missed 2 FGs in the fourth quarter, and the Bengals ran over the Packers in Lambeau. Something tells me the Cedric Benson revival will take a week off – and that something is the Steelers defense. Antwan Odom has to be licking his chops getting ready to go against the weak Steelers o-line, but the Pittsburgh passing game will put up enough points to get the win.

COWBOYS (-9) over PANTHERS
In a battle of who can turn the ball over less, the ‘Boys get their first win in Jerry’s playhouse. Romo is an average QB in the NFL, not a superstar. But that’s multiple levels above where Jake Delhomme is.

TIER 3: The Smurf or The Turd
The Smurf was my 1994 Mercury Topaz (named after the color) and the Turd was Squirrel’s Ford Tempo – the 4DR twin to the Topaz (also named for its color). Reliable, not fancy, but got the job done. These are not the prettiest games on the docket this week, and you don’t want to brag to your friends about watching them, but you need something more than a bike to get to the movies and Indian casinos. (Not the actual Smurf in the picture, but that's basically it)

GIANTS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
Losing Kenny Phillips for the year hurts the Giants secondary, and Justin Tuck is unlikely to play this week after a dirty trip by Flozell Adams last week. Yet, the Bucs don’t have the ability to slow the Giants running game, and the passing game continues to evolve into a multi-pronged weapon. Was Eli calm and collected before the game-winning drive last week or is he too dumb to know it was a big moment? Either way, it seems to work for him.

CHARGERS (-6) over Dolphins
Norv Turner has consistently done less with more than any coach in NFL history. But the Dolphins don’t have the playmakers to keep up after the cross-country travel.

RAIDERS (+1.5) over Broncos
I’m going to go against the Broncos until I’m finally right. They beat the Bengals on a fluke and beat a terrible Browns team. Raiders are actually better than anyone thought and are winning/remaining competitive in spite of JaMarcus Russell. They can run on the Broncos and their defense will cause problems for Denver.

TIER 4: Archie’s 1987 Audi 5000
Just a few of the unique characteristics of the Audi: the speedometer didn’t work, the odometer stopped after about 150,000 miles, the trunk latch was broke, but the trunk was heavy enough to stay closed unless going over a big bump, and the car would randomly slide out of gear on occasion both while driving or idling – and it was an automatic transmission!! Watching these games, like driving in the Audi, may not be the best thing for your health, but it’s still a car/football game, and better than the alternative of watching “Police Women of Broward County” on TLC. (the picture isn't actually Archie's Audi, but it looked pretty close)

Redskins (-6.5) over LIONS
The media is all over this being the week that the Lions break the 19 game losing streak because the Redskins got booed off their home field after winning last week. I’m a firm believer that when all the “experts” are so sure of an upset, go the other way. It’s going to be ugly, but I think the Skins pull it off.

Packers (-6.5) over RAMS
Spagnuolo’s defense poses another threat to Aaron Rodger’s health. And if Cedric Benson tore through the Packer defense, what can Steven Jackson do? Rams offense combined with Packers attacking defense should produce enough turnovers to give Aaron Rodgers some short fields to put points on the board.

TEXANS (-4) over Jaguars (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
In a game that should not be entertaining, the Jags allowed the Cards to light them up last week. Expect another big game from Schaub, Andre Johnson, and maybe the return of Steve Slaton? Jaguars are a mess, son unless the Texans act like the Audi and slip out of gear, they should run away with this game.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns
This is a lot of points this early in the season to lay on a divisional game, but then again, it’s the Browns. I think they’re among the worst teams in the league and it’s just a matter of time until the team completely gives up on that idiot Mangini. Flacco continues to put up impressive passing numbers and the Ravens defense eats Brady Quinn’s lunch.