Degenerate Friday on Saturday!! Week 13

I’ve got the back-up computer working, so I will be able to keep providing you with my insane ramblings and glorious gambling picks. Unfortunately, I had to send out my primary computer to be fixed, so I did lose what I had written up for Friday’s article. I had ranked the games based on college football conference tiers. I’m way too lazy to try and rewrite the article, or the story about Ron Jeremy. So instead, just quick picks for the week. After a pitiful 2 week stretch, I’ve fallen to 88-87-2 on the season, not counting Thursday’s winner with the Jets covering in Toronto against the Bills.

First, as it’s just a few hours before kick-off, I like Alabama +5.5 over Florida in the SEC Championship. Nick Saban gets his revenge for last year’s loss.

Standard disclosures apply: recreational use, NY Post lines, home team in CAPS, etc.

Cowboys (-2) over GIANTS – Giants defense hasn’t stopped anyone since week 5 and Cowboys are feeling pretty good. Can they stop their traditional December slide?

Broncos (-4.5) over CHIEFS – Chiefs just got lit up by the Chargers and McDaniels has the Broncos believing they are underdogs again.

STEELERS (-14.5) over Raiders – Despite the locker room turmoil, the Steelers will be ready to “unleash hell” as Coach Tomlin promised, and what better team to unleash it on than the Raiders?

Texans (Pick) over JAGUARS – Jags beat Texans in Houston, are 4-1 at home and Houston doesn’t know how to close out games. Yet the Texans are the better team and the pick.

Titans (+6.5) over COLTS – Titans are white hot and Colts have been allowing teams to hang around. The Titans are the more desperate team that needs the game to keep their playoff dreams alive.

FALCONS (+5.5) over Eagles – The Georgia Dome will be rocking to welcome back Michael Vick with boos, and in a game with a ton of injuries (Ryan, Westbrook, Turner & DeSean Jackson), take the home team and the points.

Lions (+13) over BENGALS – The Bengals are the Katy Perry of the NFL – definitely a healthy dose of crazy, but there are two big reasons they are able to be successful…….for the Bengals, it’s Cedric Benson and Larry Johnson.

Saints (-9.5) over REDSKINS – This is a dangerous spot for the Saints, coming off a short week on the road against an improving defense. Yet the Saints want to dominate all season and will continue against the Skins. Someone let Jim Zorn know what time he has to get to the stadium to impersonate a statue for 3 hours.

Buccaneers (+6) over PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme might be a blessing for the Panthers. Matt Moore starting is not.

BEARS (-9) over Rams – Chicago needs this game to relieve the pressure on Lovie Smith. But it might be too late as the ghost of Mike Shanahan looms over the city.

Chargers (-13) over BROWNS – The weather could be a factor in Cleveland, but the Chargers have the ability to go through the air with Rivers or the ground with Tomlinson.

49ers (Pick) over SEAHAWKS – Seattle might be getting the Human Walrus, Mike Holmgren back in town next year. 49ers have Crabs and VD, which is too much for the ‘Hawks.

Vikings (-3.5) over CARDINALS – Peterson may end up with less rushing yards than his speed on his ticket this week (109), but Percy Harvin and Sidney Rice are too much for the Cards.

Patriots (-4.5) over DOLPHINS – Belichick and Brady don’t lose back to back games.

PACKERS (-3) over Ravens – Ravens defense shut down the Steelers last week, but Aaron Rodgers is about 10 levels above Dennis Dixon. The ageless Donald Driver and Greg Jennings should have a field day against the Ravens secondary.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 11 - 1999 NFL QBs

Well last week produced a solid 10-5 mark, putting the season total at 75-68-2. This week does not have very many compelling games, and it shows with the spreads. Eight of the 16 games have spreads of 9 or greater and only three games have a spread of 3 or less. One of the more intriguing matchups took place on Thursday night, and it involved two 4-5 teams. It also marked Ricky Williams return to a feature back role after Ronnie Brown was put on injured reserve. Ricky entered the league in 1999, when the Saints traded all of their draft picks to the Redskins in order to secure Williams with the pick. So in honor of Ricky Williams still going strong, the games are broken down by the 1999 drafted quarterbacks. Similar to this week’s games, there is really only one hit, a couple of flashes, and some ultimate busts. And I’m not wasting my time mentioning the guys picked after the second round (with one exception) because it’s worthless to bring up Brock Huard, Joe Jermaine, Kevin Daft, Michael Bishop, Chris Greisen and Scott Covington.

EDITORS NOTE: I started this on Thursday night before Ricky Williams powered the Dolphins past the Panthers with his 3 TD performance. And I still picked the Panthers to win, which was stupid. And why the random picture of Rebecca Gayheart? She was Maxim’s Hottest Woman in 1999……which just seems strange.

All the standard disclaimers……..recreational use, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the Post, etc.

The Akili Smith Category
The third overall pick in the draft, out of Oregon, Cincinnati thought they had finally found their franchise quarterback to replace Boomer Esiason and erase the memory of David Klinger in 1992. Unfortunately, Smith was horribly unprepared for the pro game, and basically had the intelligence of Carrie Prejean. Smith went 3-14 as a starter, had a QB rating of under 53 and threw 5 TDs versus 13 interceptions in his career. He was out of the league in 4 years. He actually shares quite a bit in common with the recently benched JaMarcus Russell, a sizeable, gifted athlete without the intellect or desire to be a pro quarterback.

LIONS (-3.5) over Browns (Craptastic Game of the Season)
Ladies and gentleman, the “Battle for the 1st Pick in the 2010 Draft” Bowl!! This is an absolutely awful game. Lions already blew one game against pathetic competition (the Rams), but should be able to hold off the offensively-challenged Browns. Cleveland has been shut out twice this year already, and may need to resort the Redskin method of using their punter or kicker as an offensive weapon.

The Cade McNown Category
The 12th pick in the draft by the Chicago Bears, McNown was just another in the long line of poor Chicago quarterbacks…..which has continued today with the acquisition of Jay Cutler. McNown had an illustrious college career at UCLA that included a loss to Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl and punishment for using a handicap placard to get better parking around campus. He was 3-12 as a starter in Chicago, throwing 16 TDs and 19 interceptions.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seahawks
The Vikings have not been as dominant lately, but their offensive weapons will be more than the Seahawks can handle, especially in the Metrodome. Jared Allen and the Williams Wall should have a game almost as easy as when they played Green Bay against the depleted Seahawks offensive line.

Bengals (-9.5) over RAIDERS
This is a dangerous game with major let-down potential after the Bengals just handled their tough divisional test by beating the Ravens and Steelers. And after benching their pathetic quarterback in JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders will potentially be ready to rally behind Bruce Gradkowski. However, whether the throws are on target or not, Darius Heyward-Bey has shown he couldn’t catch a cold. But at least he is fast.

The Tim Couch Category
Couch was the first pick in the draft, and the first pick for the reinvented Cleveland Browns after the original Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens. The Browns were seriously lacking in talent around Couch, so the University of Kentucky product was fighting with one hand tied behind his back. He managed to win 22 games as a starter, but he lost 37, and had a 64-67 touchdown-interception total in his career. His only real highlight was his relationship with 1999 Playboy Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar – although rumor has it she left him for another 1999 quarterback, the previously mentioned Cade McNown. More large spread games that are not all that appealing in this category.

JAGUARS (-9) over Bills
The Bills have dumped their coach and switched back to ivy-leaguer Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Unfortunately for the Bills, the players actually liked Dick Jauron, and those players still include an over-the-hill Terrell Owens, a terrible offensive line, a terrible defensive line, and Ryan Fitzpatrick. That is not an equation capable of slowing down Maurice Jones-Drew and the surging Jags.

Steelers (-10) over CHIEFS
Ticked off Big Ben and the Steelers defense will take it out on the undermanned Chiefs. The Chiefs and Jamaal Charles will find it more difficult to gain yardage against Pittsburgh than they did in their win over the Raiders last week. Look for Big Ben to treat the KC secondary like an employee at Harrah’s – lots of scoring – and this may be just as consensual.

The Aaron Brooks Category
Brooks is the only quarterback drafted outside the first or second round that had an impact in the league, being drafted by the Packers in the fourth round. He had 6 very uneven years in New Orleans before 1 disastrous season in Oakland. He was 38-52 as a starter and had 123 passing TDs and 13 rushing TDs in his career compared to 92 interceptions and an unbelievable 64 fumbles. More games that have a large spread and look likely to produce a couple of big plays, but also a couple of plays that make you want to cover your eyes – which is the way Saints fans felt every time Brooks dropped back to pass.

COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins
This is a lot of points to lay in a divisional game from a team that only scored 7 points last week to a team that won last week. However, the Redskins offense is awful, using trick plays to score most of the year. The Cowboys defense actually played well against Green Bay, holding them to 3 points in the first half, and one TD after Clay Matthews recovered a fumble inside the 10 yard line. Romo is reminded that the best time for a trip to an exotic island is after your team wins the championship – a lesson Derek Jeter demonstrated with Minka Kelly in St. Bart’s this week.

Cardinals (-9) over RAMS
Rams were surprisingly feisty last week against the potent Saints attack, but it’s unlikely they’ll be able to do it two weeks in a row. Steven Jackson has had an amazingly strong season playing for a 1 win team, proving that when healthy, he is as good as any back in the league. However, the Cardinals aerial assault is cruising and it continues again this week.

The Shaun King Category
King was a second round pick by Tampa Bay, and had a surprisingly successful, if short, career. He was 14-10 as a starter, one of only two quarterbacks from the class with a winning record, including a 10-6 season in his second year, 2000. He’s currently a college football analyst on ESPN – what a surprise that a former football player was immediately given a seat at the big four-letter. We’re finally getting to some games that might be more competitive and could impact the playoff picture.

PACKERS (-6.5) over 49ers
The Niners had no business beating the Bears last week, only scoring 10 points even with the aid of 5 Cutler interceptions. The Packers defense put a hurting on the Cowboys, and should have a field day riddling Alex Smith. In the battle of first round quarterbacks from 2005, Rodgers proves that he shouldn’t have slid all the way to Green Bay at #24. Singletary gets closer to having a Mr. Furious-like breakdown on his team.

Titans (+4.5) over TEXANS
It’s tough to go against the Texans coming off a bye at home on a Monday night. But the Texans defense cannot slow Chris Johnson, which allows the Titans to play keep away from Matt Schaub and the high-powered Houston offense. And although it doesn’t make any sense because he’s not actually doing that much, Vince Young somehow wins games – he’s 20-11 as a starter.

The Daunte Culpepper Category
Culpepper was among the better statistical quarterback’s in the league for a stretch from 2000-2004. In 2004, he threw for over 4700 yards and 39 interceptions, for a QB rating of over 110. Yet despite the gaudy numbers, he only produced one season where he was over .500 as a starter (2000), and has a career record of 41-54 including his time with the Vikings, Dolphins, Raiders and Lions. These games have the potential to be impressive, but may explode like Daunte’s knee did in 2005, ending his stretch as a reliable NFL starter.

RAVENS (+1) over Colts
The Colts are not going to go undefeated this season, and this looks like one of the more likely places they could lose. The Ravens will be without Terrell Suggs after the Brady Quinn cheap shot, but the Colts were lucky to beat the Patriots last week. Look for Ray Lewis to rally his troops to slow down Manning on his march to perfection.

Falcons (+6.5) over GIANTS
Both teams have been sliding lately, the Giants are coming off their bye week at home, and the Falcons have suffered all of their losses on the road. Yet, even with Michael Turner banged up, Matt Ryan should be able to put up enough points with Tony Gonzalez and Roddy White to keep this one close and cover the number.

Eagles (-3) over BEARS
Jay Cutler has thrown 12 of his 18 interceptions in night games this season, so this Sunday night affair does not bode well for the gunslinger. Eagles only have to fly halfway across the country to get to Chicago, after poor performances at Oakland and at San Diego. McNabb, the Chicago native, and 1999 quarterback, will be ready to light up the poor Chicago secondary. Speaking of the oft-injured choke artist McNabb………..

The Donovan McNabb Category
While I am no fan of Donovan McNabb, I mean, he’s from Philly (strike one), he is not mentally tough – throwing up on the field (strike two), and he is not a good leader – whiny whenever someone else gets the spotlight or benches him (strike three). Oh, and I’m not even bringing up that he’s stupid and didn’t know a game could end in a tie. All that said, he has had tremendous regular season success, and is far and away the best quarterback from the 1999 draft. He is 82-45-1 as a starter and 9-6 in the playoffs and has thrown 206 touchdowns versus 94 interceptions. These are the most compelling games of the week, and much like Donovan, are only relevant in the regular season.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Jets
Patriots haven’t lost consecutive games in a bazillion years, and have the extra motivation of the week 2 loss to the Jets. Rex Ryan may not be crying passionate tears after this game, as they may be tears of legit pain from having Belichick and Brady’s legs knee-deep in his oversized rear end. The Jets offense will not be able to exploit the Pats defense the way the Colts did and Brady will dink and dunk with Welker until the deep ball for Moss opens up.

Chargers (-1) over BRONCOS
Broncos continue their slide back to the team that everyone expected them to be, especially if Kyle Orton isn’t able to go. Chargers have rebounded from their slow start, like they do every year, and will be able to take back control of the division. San Diego’s fourth-in-the-AFC passing game will put constant pressure on the Broncos secondary and force the Broncos to play a higher scoring game than they would like.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 10 - The Muppets

There is a reason the casinos are so large in Vegas. The guys in Vegas that put out the spreads know what they’re doing. There have been 128 games in the NFL this season (not including last night’s SF-Chi game), and there have been 2 “pick ‘em” spreads. Of the other 126 games, there have been 63 times when the favorites have covered the spread, and 63 times when the underdog covered. A perfect 63-63 record. Impressive. Not as impressive was my record last week, going 6-7 for my second consecutive under .500 week. Time to regroup and have a better week.

Quick – someone get Jay Cutler to an eye doctor. No, he didn’t get hit in the eye last night, but he must be color blind. 5 Interceptions, including 2 in the red zone? Ouch. In the past 2 seasons, he has 9 INTs in the red zone, more than double the next closest QB. He makes more poor decisions than Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry combined.

But before I get to the, Sesame Street had its 40th anniversary this week. I wanted to break the games out by characters, until I started to realize how many of those crazy sesame street muppets are out there! I mean, in addition to the major characters like Bert & Ernie, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Grover, Elmo, and Cookie Monster, there is Count von Count, Snuffleupagus, Barkley the Dog, Telly, Guy Smiley, Herry Monster, The Honkers and Mumford the Magician. And I’m not even mentioning the humans on the show, Mr. Hooper, Susan, Gordon, Luis or Maria.

So before getting to this week’s picks, I have to put a clip to my personal favorite Sesame Street skit, with Grover explaining the meaning of “near” and “far.” I’m not really sure why it sticks in my head, it originally aired before I was even born, but it still makes me laugh. Maybe it just reminds me of how we used to tire my little brother out by challenging him to run around the house while we timed him to see if he could beat his own “personal record” – mind you, we didn’t have a stop watch, and weren’t really timing him. We just wanted him to get tired and leave us alone. He was 16.

So while thinking of kids programs, it led me to The Muppets Show. This week’s games are broken down to muppets characters, and there are a lot of characters, so I had to leave some out, like Scooter, Beaker, Dr. Bunsen, the Swedish Chef, and Rizzo the Rat.

Standard weekly disclosures…….recreational use, home team in CAPS, spreads from the NY Post, etc.

The Miss Piggy Category
Did anyone ever realize that the most popular female on the show was a portly pig!!?!? What is up with that? Also reminds me of a story……we were going out for a friend’s older brother’s bachelor party. I was the youngest guy there, and lost a bet before we went out resulting in whenever the bachelor finished his drink, I had to yell out “I wanna meet Miss Piggy tonight!” Amazingly, that didn’t work very well as a pick up line. I’d say it ranks right below another line I heard slurred once by my brother-in-law….. “Are you leaving?” To which the girl said, “Yes.” And she walked out.

Chiefs (+1.5) over RAIDERS
No matter how much lipstick you put on this pig of a game, it’s not attractive. Raiders beat the Chiefs in Kansas City, but the Chiefs are no longer dealing with the Larry Johnson distraction and have added Chris Chambers to pair up with Dwayne Bowe. How long can the Raiders continue to dance with Tom Cable? Until he punches Al Davis? As long as they continue to believe that JaMarcus Russell is a bonafide NFL quarterback, they will not be able to string together any sort of consistent play. His QB rating is equal to his completion percentage, and neither is above 49 - that is absolutely horrendous. He is the pig, and Al Davis continues to try and pile on the lipstick. The Raiders will likely get Darren McFadden back this week, but it won’t be enough to mask Jamarcus Russell.

The Statler & Waldorf Category (the old guys in the theatre)
These are my favorite muppets characters, just sitting back and ridiculing everyone. These are a couple games that will give them plenty of things to watch, mock and then laugh histerically. Great job to start teaching kids at an early age that old people are crazy and can say whatever they want. What is the age when it becomes okay to just say the most ridiculous things? I can’t wait to get to that age, so I can just spew idiocy all the time……….wait, I basically do that now.

Buccaneers (+10) over DOLPHINS
This is just too many points for an offensively challenged team like the Dolphins to cover. I still think the Bucs have not turned the corner despite beating the Packers last week. They stink, but they are a little better now that Josh Freeman brings some athletic ability and moxy to the offense. Unless Ted Ginn returns a couple more kicks, the Dolphins won’t be able to blow out the Bucs.

TITANS (-6.5) over Bills (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
The Bills get Trent Edwards back, but lose T.O. for the game. Not that it matters, as the Bills offense is pathetic. The Titans have turned things around since getting blown out by the Patriots. Chris Johnson leads the league in rushing and gets another weak opponent to show off his “running from the cops speed!” (thanks Gus Johnson for that call).

The Fozzie Bear Category
Fozzie was the stand-up comedian, yelling “wakka-wakka-wakka” after every bombing joke. He was there for laughs, and not just at that stupid hat and bow-tie he always wore. These games should be laughers as well, pitting some of the top teams against the worst teams in the league.

VIKINGS (-16.5) over Lions
The Vikings are coming off their bye, and the Lions are coming off blowing a 17 point lead on the road. Brett Favre said he spent the bye week hunting and doing his daughter’s homework. The homework was probably more difficult than putting up points on the Lions. Coach Childress will likely have plenty of time to rest Favre’s balky groin in the second half of this one.

Saints (-13.5) over RAMS
The Rams are coming off of their bye and the Saints are coming off another game where they let an inferior team build a lead before blowing them out. This one has the potential to be more of a laugher than any of Fozzie’s jokes. The Rams best chance is that the Saints are looking forward to their week 10 match up with the Patriots.

CARDINALS (-8.5) over Seahawks
The Cardinals have quietly looked pretty impressive since their slow start, and with the exception of that game against the Panthers, their passing offense has been very efficient. The Seahawks don’t do anything well, but aren’t extremely poor either. They have been outscored by their opponents 95-44 in their 3 road games this year.

The Gonzo Category
Gonzo was known as a weirdo and regularly referred to as a “whatever” because no one ever knew what species he was. He was basically a stunt lunatic, always trying to perform amazing feats and making a fool of himself. These games also don’t fit squarely into any other category as they have some decent teams and some teams that are not very good.

Ravens (-11) over BROWNS
The old Browns come to Cleveland to take on the new Browns on Monday night, and the fans in Cleveland have threatened to show up late as a protest to the pathetic nature of the new Browns franchise. Cleveland has scored 5 offensive touchdowns all season, which is only 2 less than the Saints DEFENSE has scored. The Ravens secondary has been weak, but the Browns can’t take advantage of it.

Broncos (-3.5) over REDSKINS
The Redskins couldn’t score with Clinton Portis, what are they going to do without him? The Broncos get to take a breather after losing two tough games against good teams in Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Jim Zorn continues to be a muppet on the sidelines.

Falcons (-1.5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers have reestablished their running game, which has led to a minor revival – at least as much as you can when you’re 3-5. Carolina has the second-best rushing attack in the league, but will need some pass plays to be able to keep up with the Falcons offense. The Falcons have lost 3 respectable games (at New Orleans, at New England, and at Dallas) and are the better team.

The Kermit the Frog Category
Kermit was the love interest of Miss Piggy, and was always the sympathetic, intelligent leader of the group. I’m not really sure why a group that included a dog, a bear, a pig, etc. decided to all follow a skinny little frog. Anyway, in these games, the question is whether it’s easy being green.

JETS (-7) over Jaguars
Gang Green is coming off a bye week, and Rex gave the team 6 days off to regroup, which will be questioned if they don’t come out with fire. It hasn’t been easy to be green lately, but the Jets have the best rushing offense in the league and the Jags have given up almost 120 ypg, the fifth-worst in the AFC. Other than MJD, who leads the league with 11 TDs, the Jags have not played with any urgency or fire, and yet they are sitting at 4-4 and on the edge of the playoff picture.

CHARGERS (-1.5) over Eagles
Neither team has been very consistent, and even with getting Westbrook back, the Eagles will come up short after the cross country trip. The Chargers have seen the door open a crack for the NFC West title after the Broncos have lost 2 straight and know they need this game to keep up. Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb might be green with sickness after dropping another big game.

Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf was the classical pianist dog with the big floppy ears, always tagging along with the rest of the crew. Rowlf was originally performed by Jim Henson himself, and started as a sidekick on the Jimmy Dean show in the 60’s. I have no idea, but is that the same dude who now has those breakfast sausage links? The guy goes from having his own show to making breakfast sausages…….interesting. Anyway…..this game is the Barking Dog game of the week.

PACKERS (+3) over Cowboys
The Packers continue to have one of the worst offensive lines in history. The Cowboys are playing extremely well, coming off a win in Philadelphia. This game opened as a pick ‘em, and the Cowboy money has piled in, moving the line 3 points. When that much public money is running one way, I say run the other way. Woodson should be able to shadow Miles Austin (with safety help), and Al Harris and Roy Williams have the same speed – none. The Packers have their backs firmly against the wall, and they are lining up Mike McCarthy for execution. At home, they should come out firing.

The Animal Category
Animal was the lunatic drummer of the group that needed to chain himself to the drum set during performances because he got so out of hand. I’m not sure he could actually speak, just making grunts and yells, yet somehow everyone understood him. Animal’s performances remind me of one of my roommates in college after a rough patch with a girlfriend, when he came home, headed down to the basement (where Squirrel had a drum set), and proceeded to belt out the most anger-filled, stress-relieving drum solos in the history of music, followed by a primal scream to let everyone know he was done. These are the best games of the week, and will likely have similar emotional outbursts.

Bengals (+7) over Steelers
The Steelers are rounding into their championship form, having won 5 straight, and need this game to take control of the division. At the beginning of the year, what would have been the odds that the Bengals would sweep the Ravens and Steelers? 40-1? 50-1? Well, they are a win over the Steelers away from pulling off the feat, and putting a sleeper hold on the AFC North division. The Bengals won in Cincy when the Steelers didn’t have Troy Polamalu, and I think their defense will keep this one close enough to get the cover.

Patriots (+3) over COLTS
Another chapter in the Manning-Brady battle. These two teams seem to play every November in an epic game that will go a long way to determine the home field advantage in the AFC. The Colts are unbeaten, but have gotten a few breaks the past two weeks to stay that way. The Patriots started slowly, but are now looking like an offensive juggernaut. With the Colts secondary banged up – missing Bob Sanders, the Pats will spread the field and throw it all over the field. The Colts have found a way each week, but Brady will continue his mastery of Manning and the Colts – he’s 7-3 already.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 9 Picks

So, right about now, our dear friend Squirrel is probably getting a little nervous. In less than 48 hours, he’s going to be walking down the aisle to permanently attach that ball and chain to his leg from a woman that is way better than he ever deserves. Congrats, buddy!!! Welcome to the club of guys who have outpunted their coverage, yet somehow got the women drunk or crazy enough to say “I do” to us. Looking forward to seeing most of the crew outside Chicago this weekend, and we’ll miss the rest that can’t make it – but something tells me we’ll tip up more than a few in your honor. On to sports……..

Ummmmm, Mr. Agassi, please stop. Just shut up, and don’t tell us anymore. If you like to set things on fire, maybe you should have lit your books on fire. Tanking matches, wearing a wig, wearing lifts, doing crystal meth and not wearing underwear while playing? Seriously dude, why are you writing a book about this? No one wants to know this stuff.

Speaking of shut-up, here’s a big one for you, Roy Williams. That was a rather large bus you just launched your QB (Romo Pyle) and fellow WR (Austin Miles) under. Complaining about the way the ball is thrown to you relative to how it’s thrown to Miles, and disrespecting Miles by constantly referring to him as “#2”? Is this an Austin Powers movie or an NFL team? Way to have the team mentality now that your team is actually on a pretty good roll. Oh, and by the way, Roy, you lead the league in drops.

Last week, I finally got out of the .500 range, and I broke out with authority. Only it was to the downside, with a pathetic 4-9 record. I’m just going to call it one week of lost focus and get back to the .500 mark and beyond this weekend. There is a pretty decent slate of games, some big divisional matchups, some teams that are trying to climb out of terrible starts, and others that are trying to bounce back after a rough stretch.

When figuring out how to classify the games this week, I thought about a conversation I was having with my brother about an old friend of a friend and whether they still had their flat-top haircut. I responded that people still have mullets. That led him to point out that as long as there are fans of NASCAR racing and hockey, there will always be mullets. For both racing and hockey, the most exciting part of the sport involves crashes, fights, or fights after a crash. Those are the moments that involve absolutely zero intelligence, which tells you all you need to know about the sport, and those who follow them. And one last blast on hockey – I cannot be a fan of a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters” because sweaters are for holidays and keeping warm, not for playing sports.

So, long opening, but let’s get to the games……..I don’t claim to be the most fashionable man on earth, but let’s go with some of the worst fashions of the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The Mens Cutoff Jean Shorts Tier
Men’s stone-washed cutoff jean shorts are hideous and should never be worn – ever. I mean do we really need to discuss this any further? This is the worst game of the week between two terrible teams.

SEAHAWKS (+10) over Lions (CRAPTASTIC GAME OF THE WEEK)
Lions are coming off a loss to the pathetic Rams, and the Seahawks got slapped around by the Cowboys. Seahawks continue to be beat up, and don’t run well or pass well, which is beneficial to the Lions, since they can’t stop the run or the pass. Yet the Seahawks still have the ability to rock bad teams when they come to the great Northwest.

The Grunge/Flannel Tier
Remember when everyone wanted to dress like Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder? Including the women? Hideous. You want to know why subscriptions to Playboy have decreased since the 1990’s? Walk around a big city or a college campus today and the girls aren’t wearing much more than they’re wearing on the pages of Hugh Hefner’s magazine. In the 90’s, girls were wearing huge baggy flannel shirts and pants up over their belly buttons, so dudes had to get those magazines to catch a glimpse of skin. Anyway, these are games with one decent or good team and one of the Screech Powers or Tori Scott teams.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been dealing with the distractions of Larry Johnson for the past two weeks, and now the fans are trying to prevent him from breaking the team’s all-time rushing record. Sadly, at his current rate of a meager 2.7 ypc, it’s going to take him more than 30 carries to get there. The Jags are coming off a game when everyone except MJD played like a jag-off, yet they’re still better than the young Chiefs.

FALCONS (-10) over Redskins (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Falcons played well against the Saints, but haven’t quite learned how to finish games against top competition. The Redskins are nowhere near top competition. The Falcons may only need to score 13 to cover this spread. Even a bye week isn’t going to fix all the problems with Redskins. Do you think Zorn has his iPod hooked up to those headphones now that he’s not calling plays?

Packers (-9.5) over BUCCANEERS
Packers have struggled against good competition, but have beat up on the weaklings. The Bucs are the weakest of the weaklings. And this is a good week to put Clifton and Tauscher back into the starting line-up and let them have a nice easy week against some inferior competition. The Green Bay kryptonite has been giving up sacks, but thankfully for them the Bucs have no pass rush.

The Mall/Jersey Hair Tier
Using half a can of aqua net hairspray to keep your bangs 6-8 inches off your head and crimping your hair was supposed to be hot? I guess what’s more scary is the fact that this hairstyle still gets a decent amount of use currently in many parts of New Jersey and up north Wisconsin. Scary. These games have a couple of teams that refuse to die (like the hairstyle).

GIANTS (-4.5) over Chargers
Tom Coughlin has convinced his team that this game is a must-win and will save their season. That should be enough to overcome an up and down Chargers team flying across the country. The Giants will struggle to contain the deep ball to Vincent Jackson with their banged up secondary, but the Chargers defense will have a hard time slowing the Giants running game. In the battle of two average teams, take the home team.

49ERS (-4) over Titans
In the battle of highly drafted, bust quarterbacks trying to garner some value before their contracts expire at the end of the season, I’ll take the smarter guy – Alex Smith. The Titans looked revitalized last week, but Chris Johnson is not trying to run through the heartless Jags defense this week. Look for Michael Crabtree to have a chance to make some plays against the porous Titans secondary.

The Rolled Jeans Tier
Thankfully this was a pretty short-lived fad, and went away as fast as it became popular. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to wrap your pants as tight as possible around our ankles? And some people went as far as using pins to keep the rolls tight. These are games that have teams that could potentially make the playoffs, but you’re not going to reminisce about these games and how cool you were that you watched them.

Cardinals (+3) over BEARS
The last time these teams met, former Cardinals coach Dennis Green had his infamous “They are who we thought they were!” rant. Well, the Bears are still who we thought they were, a team with a weak pass defense and average offense. The Cards have won 3 straight road games, and while that’s tough to keep up, their defense should be angry after getting thrashed by the Panthers, and their offense should not turnover the ball as much as they did last week.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Dolphins
Last year in Foxborough, the Dolphins unveiled the wildcat and crushed the Pats. This time around, the Pats are coming off a bye, and the Phins are coming off a game where they needed to kickoff returns and a fumble return for a touchdown to beat the Jets. Brady didn’t spend his bye week in Cabo with Gisele, he spent it preparing to torch the Dolphins secondary.

Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
Almost two touchdowns is too many points to give, even to the juggernaut that is the 2009 Saints. Panthers have won 7 straight games in New Orleans and Louisiana native Jake Delhomme owns the Superdome (he started and won a game for the Saints before he joined the Panthers and won games there in college at Louisiana-Lafayette). Michael Turner showed last week that the Saints can be run on with the loss of Scott Fujita and Sedrick Ellis, which is bad news with Panthers’ second-in-the-NFC rushing attack (the Saints are the first) coming to town.

The Mullet Tier
As mentioned in the opening, the mullet continues to live on, a solid 20+ years past its expiration date. There were many different variations of the mullet, whether it’s the skinny guy leaning up against his IROC-Z28, or the guy with the sweet mullet and his Iron Maiden t-shirt, it was always a sight to behold. Anyone rocking the “business in the front, party in the back” look was definitely the coolest guy in the room. These are the prime time games of the week, almost all divisional matchups between playoff teams.

Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Ochocinco reportedly sent care packages to Ray Lewis and his defensive teammates that contained deodorant so they wouldn’t sweat. The Bengals are for real, as evidenced by their prior wins over the Ravens (in Baltimore) and the Steelers, but crazy people like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed don’t need any extra motivation.

Texans (+9) over COLTS
The Colts allowed the 49ers to hang around in Indy last week, so there’s no reason to believe the Texans won’t do the same thing, as they have a much more potent offense than the Niners. Texans also need this game to prove that they are a legit contender within the division and the league.

EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Eagles welcome another divisional foe to the Linc, the site of the demolition of the Giants last week. The fans will be fired up to wash away the sting of the World Series loss, and try to forget the fact that they’re in Philly and they suck. The Cowboys now have to deal with the diva Roy Williams, and Romo will try to force the ball to him, leading to a couple of turnovers. The Eagles don’t miss much without Westbrook in the lineup because the rookie RB McCoy has been very good.

Steelers (-3) over BRONCOS
The Steelers historically have been extremely strong on Monday night and extremely strong coming off a bye. They get both this week when they visit Mile High Stadium. It’s almost as much of a sure thing as Carrie Underwood dating another athlete (I guess she’s on her second hockey player after Romo Pyle). Steelers have the best run defense in the league, which will be a challenge for Knowshon Moreno to open up the passing game for Kyle Orton.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 8

Last week I broke out of the .500 band…..with a 7-5-1 record. Not exactly kicking your man in the teeth, but more wins than losses is all that matters. There are some good matchups this week, and one of the all-time worst matchups in the history of the NFL. With trick-or-treat taking place throughout most of the country this weekend; the games are broken down by categories based on the candy that gets handed out. Five categories, so I left out a decent number of good and bad candy including those nasty peanut butter things in the orange and black wax paper wrappers. Who ever thought that was a good candy to get? Nasty, sticky and strange. Pencils & raisins also are among the worst things that could ever be handed out to kids. Who wants that crap when you’re supposed to be gorging on sweets? You can worry about US obesity 363 days a year, but not on Halloween, and not on Thanksgiving.

And let’s also make a pact – now that my friends and I are at the age where some of us own houses or have kids of our own – no handing out ONE bite or fun size candy bar!! What fun are two bites of candy deliciousness?!? Either give out a couple of the small bars, or just get the full size candy.

On to the week 8 picks starting from the worst possible candy you can hand out working up to the best candy/games………standard disclosures – recreational use only, home team in CAPS, etc.

The Apple
Who wants an apple on Halloween? Don’t get me wrong, I love apples – my favorite fruit and my favorite line from Matt Damon (“How you like them apples!?!”). But I do not want anything to do with an apple when you should be filling my plastic pumpkin basket with sugar. If you hand out an apple, you deserve to have that kid get to the end of your driveway, turn around and fire that apple off your front door like a CC Sabbathia heater.

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams (Craptastic Game of the Week)
This is an awful excuse for a football game. It will be more entertaining to rewatch a half dozen of the college games from Saturday than to watch this game. The teams have combined to win 3 times in their past 46 games. The Rams have scored the fewest points in the league and given up the most points in the league. They couldn’t score if they were given a leading role opposite Jennifer Anniston. Have to go with the Lions at home to extend the Rams losing streak to 18 games.

Smarties Candy
Smarties, the self-proclaimed “America’s favorite candy wafer roll,” are not bad tasting, but they go too fast and they make your mouth pucker up and prevent you from eating more candy. These are the football games that have a couple of semi-intriguing storylines, but you don’t want to focus on them, and it might not be compelling for long.

BEARS (-13) over Browns
Lovie Smith is starting to feel the heat, and this is a game that he has to win (and probably win impressively) to slow down the media attack. Maybe the Browns should hire Justin Timberlake as GM, as he has an impressive track record of scoring: Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Alyssa Milano, Scarlett Johansson, and hot Britney.

Jaguars (+3) over TITANS (Lock of the Week)
I’m down on the reinvention of the Vince Young Experience. How do you think the team is going to react to the owner ordering the coach to start his overpaid back up QB to “see what they have” in him? The coach doesn’t want to start him, but an 0-6 record does not provide Jeff Fisher with any leverage. Jags are just hanging around on the outskirts of the playoff picture, and I have a feeling MJD might dress up as an Oompa-Loompa for Halloween.

CHARGERS (-16.5) over Raiders
JaMarcus “Shamu” Russell couldn’t have made it any worse after his pathetic game against the Jets…..until he opened his mouth and proved that there is absolutely no hope at this guy even being an adequate back up in the NFL. Chargers blew out the Chiefs last week, and should be able to do it again. The only thing that could potentially give the Raiders hope is that it’s a divisional game, and that’s not much.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
Arguably among the tastiest combinations in the entire candy world: chocolate and peanut butter. Nothing better on Halloween than heading up to a door and seeing that "Take One" sign above a basket of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Jackpot!! When it comes to the "take one" baskets, there were 3 ways to go: (1) the nerdy kids that actually only took one; (2) the kids who didn't want to get in trouble, but had to take advantage of the situation and took a handful (or two); and then (3) the kids that just dumped the entire basket into your bucket. I always went for option 2 - harder to prove that I didn't take one (maybe the last 7 houses were giving out Reese's!!), but I was getting more than my share. These games have a great combos (RomoPyle-Austin, Warner-Fitzgerald, and Schaub-Johnson), but the games could be over quickly.

Texans (-3.5) over BILLS
I have a bad feeling about this game because every time anyone buys into the Texans, they typically throw up on themselves. The Bills record isn’t bad, but their wins have come against the Bucs (horrid), and huge turnover games by the Jets & Panthers. If Schaub can continue to not turn over the ball, the Texans should not have a problem. The biggest concern for the Texans is not whether Andre Johnson plays, but what the weather in Orchard Park is like come Sunday. They shouldn't even need Johnson to put up points on the Bills.

COWBOYS (-9.5) over Seahawks
Dallas seems to have found their mojo, and now welcome the perpetually banged up Seahawks to town. Without Walter Jones the Seattle offense has been impotent. Pretty sure I’m not going to taunt Miles Austin this week, as the guy has 400+ yards and 4 TDs in his past two games. Maybe a little bit of a letdown from those astronomical numbers, but he should be able to light up the ‘Hawks secondary.

CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers
This game opened up as a 7.5 point line, and likely moved to 10 as soon as John Fox announced he was going to stick with Jake Delhomme this week. The Cards have been winning with defense rather than offense lately, and were the team that started the Delhomme death spiral in the playoffs last year. Look for more of the same from a snake-bitten Jake, and the Cards roll at home.

The Kit-Kat
The real key to the Kit-Kat? Toss it in the freezer for a while, then after a couple hours, you have an absolutely outstanding treat. I mean, who doesn’t want to take a break with a Kit Kat? Now you’re singing the jingle – “Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!” You're welcome. And the Kit-Kat isn’t the best candy, but it’s solid and reliable, just like these games matching up two competitive teams.

JETS (-3) over Dolphins
Dolphins beat the Jets in Miami with the late wildcat touchdown. Rex Ryan will have his defense ready for the rematch. Mark Sanchez won’t be hot dogging it this week, but he should be able to put up yards against the Dolphins defense. The Dolphins have the QB in Henne capable of throwing it, but they are not happy with Ted Ginn Jr not catching it.

Broncos (-3.5) over RAVENS
Ravens are coming off a bye, so this is a dangerous route to take the Broncos on the road. Yet McDaniels will find a way for Orton and Marshall to light up the pathetic Ravens pass defense. I’m officially on the Broncos bandwagon. Ravens are spiraling downwards after their fast start, despite the very solid season Ray Rice is putting together.

COLTS (-12) over 49ers
Colts are coming off back to back bye weeks (real bye and Rams game), so they are rested and ready at home to welcome the Niners to Lucas Oil Stadium. The Alex Smith resurgence was impressive for one half, but they are going to need to put up more points than that to keep up with Peyton. And while Smith does have VD (that joke doesn’t get old), Peyton has Dallas Clark, and Reggie Wayne, and Joseph Addai, and Pierre Garcon. It’s a lot of points, but the Colts have won their last 4 games by an average of 24 points and they’re 5-1 against the spread this season.

The Milky Way
THE BEST candy out there is the Milky Way candy bar. Milk chocolate, caramel, and creamy nougat – a perfect combination of sweet, smooth and pure deliciousness. Don’t mess up your candy bar with peanuts or coconut – just keep with the good stuff. Did you know the Milky Way was created in 1923 and is known as a Mars Bar everywhere outside the U.S.? These are the best games of the week – all divisional rivalries and all should be extremely entertaining games.

Giants (pick) over EAGLES
Another NY-Philly matchup at Lincoln Field – the Phils & Yanks in the World Series Saturday and Sunday and the 76ers and Knicks play in the MSG home opener Saturday night. Giants are coming off two straight losses and need to rebound to take back command of the division. The Eagles rebounded from an embarrassment in Oakland by beating the I-AA Skins. Giants remember the McNabb phone call from the Giants sideline during the playoffs last year and get revenge as the Eagles miss the explosiveness of Westbrook. Since people keep comparing the WAGs (Wives & Girlfriends) of NY to the WAGs of Philly (Kate Hudson is impressive, but can’t hold a candle to Cole Hamel’s wife, Heidi), I’ll take Eli’s wife over McNabb’s.

Falcons (+10) over SAINTS
This is too many points for a divisional game against a playoff team. Yes, the Falcons have struggled the past few weeks, and yes, the Saints won by 12 last week after spotting the Dolphins a 21-point lead. But the Falcons offense and defense is better than the Dolphins. The Saints are the better team and definitely should win this game at home, but 10 points is a value play to pick the Falcons. I thought that last week when the Falcons were catching 4 from the Cowboys too……..

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings
Aside from my obvious Packer homerism………(and yes, Larry Johnson, I said homerism), the facts are there as well. The Packers will be able to audible in their home stadium, which they couldn’t do in the Metrodome. Ryan Grant has a fire lit under him after the Packers signed Ahman Green to push for carries. The Packers will have their rookie tackle more prepared to slow down Jared Allen (you can’t stop the guy), which should buy Rodgers enough time to find Jennings and Driver flying by the banged up Vikings secondary. And the crowd will affect Brett, and if they can get the cameras to get in close, he’ll probably put on a blubbering show for the television audience. Vikings won’t be able to match the Packers energy throughout the entire game. And if the Packers win, expect this from Brett, "It was fun to come back here but disappointing to lose, and it's just one of 16 and one we wanted to win for the division title." If the Vikings win, expect this accompanied by tears: "It was really great to come back here, the fans are great and I didn't realize how emotional it was going to be." His act will change depending upon the outcome - hopefully the Packers can slow down Peterson and create a couple of Favre turnovers like the Steelers did last week.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 7 Picks

A couple quick links before getting to this week’s picks….

This is a great trivia site to kill tons of time with random useless sports knowledge.

Awesome clip of Brett Myers getting rejected by who I assume is his wife after their NLCS victory – she obviously dislikes the smell of booze or cigars.

The whole Bubble Boy story is just a scary comment on what reality television has done to some people in America. That Heene dude is a complete lunatic and should be locked up, though I’m not sure what’s worse for those kids – to not have their dad around, or to have that nutjob around. And how did he think this would help them get a reality show?

Another .500 week last week, going 7-7, and I just can’t get off the Even Steven fence. So this week, in hopes of getting a big winning week, no tiers, no categories, and no reminiscing about movies, quotes or songs. Just straight picks to take your bookie to the cleaners and buy that even bigger television and faster car. Ah, who am I kidding? Like Ricky Williams and the ganja, I’m just putting the gimmicks aside for a week.

Usual disclaimers……recreational use, home team in CAPS, etc…….

Colts (-13) over RAMS (Craptastic Game of the Week)
They couldn’t have made this spread big enough. The Colts are coming off a bye week and get to play the worst team in the league before an intriguing matchup with the 49ers the following week. Manning puts it in cruise control after the first quarter and lets Addai & Brown clean it up for the rest of the game. Rams can’t score enough points to cover with their pathetic offense.

PANTHERS (-7) over Bills
This might be the worst quarterback matchup in the league with turnover machine Jake Delhomme going up against Harvard kid Ryan Fitzpatrick. Panthers will pound the ball on the ground against the Bills’ league-worst rushing defense, giving up more than 180 yards/game. The first Steve Smith remains an afterthought and won’t be needed to beat the Bills.

Patriots (-14.5) over Buccaneers (in London)
The last two years, the game in London has been a 3 point game, but they haven’t seen a team as bad as the Bucs. Belichick has his team in business mode, which typically leads to destruction and embarrassment for inferior opponents. Unless Brady, Moss and Welker get too distracted Keeley Hazell, this shouldn’t be close.

Packers (-9) over BROWNS
The Browns have covered the past two weeks, but have been ravaged by the flu this week. Add to that their leading tackler being out for the season, and the fact that they still have Derek Anderson at quarterback. Packers handled a poor Lions team last week, and if they can keep Rodgers upright, they should not have a problem winning this game by 2 scores.

Eagles (-7) over REDSKINS
Even if the Redskins cover or win this game, I’ll feel comfortable with picking the Eagles. I’ll always take a team that has something to prove after puking on themselves the previous week (sorry Donovan) over a team that brought in a consultant two weeks ago, and now handed him the play-calling responsibilities and is trying to get their head coach to quit.

CHIEFS (+4.5) over Chargers
Chargers beat the Chiefs by one point in both meetings last year, and Cassell should be able to put some points on the board against the porous Chargers defense. Norv “Mr. Roper” Turner continues to underachieve, and the Chargers have the worst rushing offense in the league, averaging less than 58 yards/game. And LT has missed practice this week either due to the flu or the “f-you for taking me out at the goalline last week” virus.

Jets (-6) over RAIDERS
This is one of the toughest games to pick this week because no one knows which team will show up on either sideline. The Jets that rolled through the first 3 games this year with limited turnovers and stout defense or the team that stunk the past 3 weeks? The Raiders that looked competitive in week 1 and stumped the Eagles last week or the team that looked like a mess in between? Now that Coach Cable isn’t going to be arrested for assault, the Raiders can just play football. Unfortunately, they still have JaMarcus Russell at QB and that’s enough to tilt it to the Jets.

GIANTS (-7) over Cardinals
Traditionally the Cardinals coming east have fared about as well as Tupac making a trip to New York. But this is a night game, so the time change should be muffled. The Cards seem to have found some of their groove from last year, and with the Giants secondary banged up, they should put points on the board. However, the Giants have something to prove after getting lit up last week by the Saints, and playing at home will help them rebound big.

49ers (+3) over TEXANS
Follow the pattern with the Texans this year: Loss, Win, Loss, Win, Loss, Win. That means this is the week for a loss, which has to make Gary Kubiak feel like he’s sitting in a hillbilly hottub. 49ers have had two weeks to prepare to slow down the NFL leader in TDs, Matt Schaub. Crabtree will start and it won’t take much to be the most dangerous WR for the Niners.

Saints (-6) over DOLPHINS
The trendy pick is the Dolphins because they’re coming off a bye and the wildcat will run through the Saints defense. However, the Dolphins defense is going to get lit up like Pat Summerall in the announcing booth with John Madden. Remember how the Colts handled the Dolphins while barely possessing the ball, winning by 4? The Saints offense is more potent than the Colts and the Saints defense is better than the Colts. Saints roll ‘em up like Ricky Williams in the off-season.

Bears (+1) over BENGALS
The Bengals can’t handle success. They’re the Jessica Simpson of the NFL – as soon as they get a boyfriend and some fans and start to convince you that they have figured things out, they turn around and get a little too comfortable, stop trying and eventually prove that they are still unpredictable and completely crazy. Cedric Benson has something to prove against his former team, but the Bears will be ready and without Antwan Odom, the Bengals won’t be able to stop Cutler and Forte.

Falcons (+4) over COWBOYS (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
The logic for the Cowboys is that they’re coming off a bye (league average is 53% winners coming off their byes), are at home, and the Falcons are coming off a night game. Wade Phillips is 5-2 in his career coming off byes, which doesn’t compare to Andy Reid’s 11-0, but is impressive. Yet, the bottom line is that the Cowboys aren’t that good. Do we really believe Miles Austin is a #1 WR after one game – against the 1-5 Chiefs!?!?? Ryan and the Falcons are the best value of the week.

STEELERS (-4.5) over Vikings
Steelers have become a dominant passing team and the Vikings secondary got lit up by Joe Flacco before Antoine Wingfield was injured. Vikings needed a lucky break last week against the Ravens and barely squeeked by the 49ers two weeks earlier. Going into Pittsburgh against the defending champs is a tough order for anyone, and Peterson will find tough sledding against the Steelers defense that is allowing the second-fewest yards per game on the ground.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 6

Before getting to the games, a couple of quick links, hits, and rambles…..

Happy 99th Birthday to John Wooden!! (a few days late) Pretty amazing, and the stories about this guy are incredible, though I always find it strange to hear Bill Walton tell the stories because I feel pretty confident that due to the psychedelic drugs, Bill doesn’t remember much of the late 60’s or early 70’s. But Walton can tell great stories, and he loves to tell stories about the lessons Wooden taught him. The Seven Point Creed that Wooden’s father gave him when he graduated from grammar school and Wooden’s own Pyramid of Success and quotes are awesome. He also has numerous great quotes that apply to life and to basketball. A few of my personal favorites:

“Never mistake activity for achievement.”
”If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”
“Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”
“Be quick but don’t hurry”

Going from a story of the ultimate winner to the story about the losers in the NFL this year. It raises the question of can any team duplicate the Lions 0-16 season from last year. Of the winless teams, Tennessee, Kansas City, Tampa Bay and St. Louis, there is a pretty good chance considering these are terrible football teams and 3 rookie coaches among them. I like the odds of St. Louis to go 0-16 because they can’t score any points, and their only game against terrible competition is at Detroit, a vastly improving team. I also think Tampa has a pretty good shot to go winless, as their schedule does not provide many opportunities to win. Yet, what might hold them back is that Josh Johnson could cause a team problems with his legs and get a win. Kansas City still gets to play Oakland again, who seems to be getting worse by the week. And they get to play Cleveland, so that’s too many chances to squeak one out.

Now let’s get on to the games for this week. Last week was another 7-7 record, putting me 2 games over .500 for the 4 weeks I’ve put picks up on the site, never being under .500, but only being over .500 once. While I obviously would like to break out of the .500 band, I want it to be on the upside. This week’s games are categorized by actresses from the 90’s and according to this site, these were my options. So starting from the bottom………

The Sharon Stone Category
Yes, she’s pretty good looking, and with the help of some good surgeons has aged pretty well over time. But these games are like her movies in that they are heavy mismatches and you don’t really want to tell your friends you were slumming it by watching these games. Yet, you just might continue to sit through them and maybe catch that one flash of the goods from an otherwise unwatchable football game.

Chiefs (+6) over REDSKINS
Ladies and gentlemen, your Craptastic Game of the Week!! Another game for the Redskins against a winless team, and this is their sixth straight game against teams who have not won. A win here and they will be the worst 3-3 team in the history of the league. And it still probably won’t be enough to keep Zorn’s job. Redskins can’t beat anyone in the league by more than 6 points, and as bad as the Chiefs are, they should be able to keep this close enough for the cover.

JAGUARS (-10) over Rams
No one has any idea what to expect from the Jags after they look good one week and then get smoked by the Seahawks the next because Mike Sims-Walker is out on booty calls past bed-check time and gets suspended. But hopefully a return to a quarter-full stadium in Jacksonville and a lashing from their coach will be enough to lead Team Hyphen to the win. Rams are awful. Here’s where you might get that flash of the goods if MJD can expose the Rams.

Panthers (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
Panthers stage a solid comeback against a bad Redskins team last week to squeak out a victory. Buccaneers continue to get hammered every week like Jon Gosselin on the club scene. Not that it matters, John Fox is still getting fired, and Coach Chin should plan how he wants to decorate his office at Bank of America Stadium.

The Drew Barrymore Category
I never know what to think of her. She goes from looking good in some movies and walking around to looking like a freak and someone that might be legitimately crazy the next day. You really never know what you’re going to get from her. In the 90’s, she was involved in quite a few movies that were entertaining, but they were entertaining to see other people in the movies. For example, you didn’t watch Wayne’s World 2, Batman Forever, Scream or The Wedding Singer to see Drew Barrymore. Same thing with these games – you’re not watching to see what the Lions are going to do without Matthew Stafford or Megatron.

JETS (-10) over Bills
Great game for team Rex to bounce back from 2 tough defeats, and I have to believe that he will have his defense breathing fire. Bills are trying to figure out who’s going to be the coach next season, are they going to be in Buffalo past their current stadium lease and whether they should trade T.O. And if you’re the Bills, why wouldn’t you trade Owens? You’re going nowhere and he’s on a 1-year deal. I think the problem is that no one that could use him (the Bears) is interested.

Browns (+14) over STEELERS
The Browns have been the ATM most of the season, but have played close with the Bengals and beaten the Bills in the past two weeks. Have they turned the corner without Braylon Edwards? Definitely not. And you have to swallow hard before taking any amount of points with a QB that went 2-17 last week. Yet the forecast calls for a mix of snow and rain with temperatures in the high 30’s. And we’ve all seen that Heinz field in Pittsburgh does not stand up well to weather. Sounds like a basement club at 2:00 am game – a grindfest with some tough sledding for all involved. Low scoring gets the cover.

PACKERS (-13.5) over Lions (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Lions likely without Stafford or Megatron. Packers at home coming off a bye week and ticked off after getting embarrassed by Favre. Lay the points, this one’s over before halftime.

Eagles (-14) over RAIDERS
Let’s see, Eagles offense has been churning in spite of the distractions from the Mike Vick experiment, and the Raiders are the biggest cluster-F in the league. There are so many terrible teams in this league, the points can’t scare you. Eagles fly high.

Titans (+9.5) over PATRIOTS
Tough to back an 0-5 team on the road against the mighty Bill Belichick and Tommy Brady. Yet the Patriots have just not been themselves and the Titans have a gamebreaker on offense in Chris Johnson that could keep it interesting. The Pats couldn’t stop Brandon Marshall, and Knowshon Moreno looked impressive on the ground, so the Titans will put up some points. Patriots are the better team, but will not be able to blow out the Titans.

The Meg Ryan Category
Meg Ryan is always solid. You know what you’re going to get – a likely sappy movie, where she’s going to look cute, and your girlfriend/wife is going to walk out of the theatre wondering why you can’t be like Tom Hanks or Nic Cage. Solid track record of movies like The Doors, Sleepless in Seattle, Courage Under Fire, City of Angels and You’ve Got Mail. Again, some are pretty cheesey, but if you know what you’re in for, they can work towards your goal. Same thing with these two games – not the most exciting games, but should make for compelling football and will play a role in the hunt for the playoffs.

BENGALS (-5) over Texans
This looks to be a shoot-out with plenty of “When Harry Met Sally” Meg Ryan moments (I know, that was 1989, but cut me some slack, it was close enough). The Bengals defense is underrated and playing extremely well. In front of a non-sell out in Cincy, the Texans continue their up and down season by getting lit up by Ochocinco.

SEAHAWKS (-3) over Cardinals
Healthy Hasselbeck seems to make the difference and the Cards were lucky to steal last week’s game with the Texans. Cards stink on the road and Seattle likes to play at home. Look for one of Julius Jones’ big home games this week.

The Julia Roberts Category
While Julia Roberts may not be everyone’s cup of tea for talent, she’s had a pretty long and impressive track record. And during the 90’s that includes Pretty Woman, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Pelican Brief and Conspiracy Theory. Like Julia, these are the games you would stand next to and brag about watching to your friends.

SAINTS (-3) over Giants
This is the best game of the week by far and could go a long way to determining home field advantage in the NFC. It pits the most potent offense of the Saints against the most potent defense of the Giants. And the Giants are getting healthier each week, having completed the 5 week JV schedule to start the season. The Saints defense proved they can be a difference maker and I expect them to slow the Giants just enough in the rocking Superdome. Home field and the Jeremy Shockey revenge will be just enough to get the Saints past the G-men.

Ravens (+3) over VIKINGS
Another game that should be outstanding. The Ravens have something to prove after dropping their last two games, and the Vikings want to stay on a roll. Ray Lewis and the defense should be able to contain Adrian Peterson, and while the Ravens secondary has not been as good as it has in the past, they will complicate things for Brett Favre. Ravens catch the Vikings due for a pedestrian game and come into the game angrier than Uncle Leo with painted on eyebrows.

FALCONS (-3) over Bears
Falcons proved last week they are among the elite in the league by giving Singletary and the Niners a bare-ass spanking in SF. The Bears are coming off a bye, but will struggle on the road with a very stingy Falcons defense, and they will not be able to stop the aerial attack of the Falcons.

Broncos (+4) over CHARGERS
Yes, I’m finally a believer in the Broncos. I’ve bought into Josh McDaniels and believe that he has this team playing like no one believes in them and every game is them against the world. Meanwhile, Norv Turner continues to snooze through another Chargers season, wasting a solid amount of talent. The Broncos slowed down Tom Terrific last week and will stifle Phillip Rivers this week in their Monday night coming-out party.