Degenerate Friday - Week 14 - Christmas Vacation!!

Well the holiday season is definitely upon us, which means it is time to light a fire, dump some rum in the egg nog, and settle it to watch some great holiday movies. And we’re not talking movies like The Holiday, or Miracle on 34th Street. I don’t want some sappy story about some down on her luck hot girl suddenly finds some British dude that sweeps her off her feet. I want something that gets better and better as the rum from the egg nog kicks in. So while Elf is a hilarious movie, it still doesn’t quite have the perfect appeal of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. This week’s games are broken down by some of the best quotes from the movie. So Merry Christmas. S#itter’s full.

Standard disclosures as always: Recreational use only, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the NY Post, etc.

Clark: Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

Bills (Pick) over CHIEFS
I think Vegas just decided they really didn’t care who wins this game, and they didn’t want to waste any time trying to put a line on it. So I’m not willing to waste any of my time trying to figure out which team is going to win. Then again, ‘tis the season to be merry. That’s my name. No s#it?

RAIDERS (+1) over Redskins
Bruce Gradkowski has given the Raiders some belief that they can win, and they’ve played well at home, beating the Eagles, Bengals and Eagles. And since the game is in Oakland, it should definitely be hooter, errrr, I mean hotter than the nipply …..nippy weather on the East Coast.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f#cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white @ss down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse.

TITANS (-13) over Rams
The Titans bubble was burst last week with their loss to the Colts. The 6th seed in the AFC is likely going to get to 10-6 (the Steelers, Ravens, Jets & Dolphins are all 6-6 & Jacksonville is 7-5), and the best the Titans can do is 9-7. So they have to put on their jolliest smiles and hope someone falters. The Rams can’t stop the run, so Chris Johnson has a chance to post another 200 yard game.

Seahawks (+6) over TEXANS
The agent for Barry Bonds announced that Bonds will not play next season. That’s interesting because I thought the 31 major league GMs that didn’t offer him a contract told us the exact same thing last year. That same agent also announced that the Houston Texans will not be participating in the NFL playoffs this year.

Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

Jets (-3) over BUCCANEERS
Sometimes you have to wonder if Rex Ryan has a metal plate in his head the way he has handled the media and his rookie quarterback. With Kellen Clemens under center, the Jets will be going for the new world land-speed record almost exclusively with their rushing game. In their win last week, Clemens only attempted two passes in over a quarter of action. With Thomas Jones and Shonn Green, that’s all they’ll need to overwhelm Tampa Bay.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

PATRIOTS (-13.5) over Panthers
The weather is expected to be cold in Foxboro, and it’s not just the chill from the icy stare Belichick has been giving his team all week. Everyone is ready to write off the Patriots because they lost back to back games for the first time in 3 years, Belichick locked players out of practice for being late, and Tom Brady keeps talking about more effort. Well, that means they are officially starting to feel underappreciated and like underdogs – and that’s exactly what Coach Belichick loves. Now that Brady’s baby is born, it’s time to plow through to the playoffs. The Panthers will offer little resistance as they just want to get back home to the warmer climate in Charlotte.

Packers (-3) over BEARS
The Packers appear to have found ways around their leaky offensive line, and their passing game will be able to torch the Bears secondary. Jay Cutler threw four interceptions in week one against the Packers, and that was before they had found their groove in the newly installed 3-4 defense. This could get really ugly, really quickly. This will be the last time the Packers get to beat up on Lovie Smith as the Bears coach. And since it is Packers-Bears week, it’s probably time to remind everyone of why it must suck to be a Bears fan.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Lions
Well, now that the politicians have taken care of the really important things like trying to force a college football playoff, maybe they’ll have a little extra time to deal with the nation’s health care problems, or unemployment, or the Lions. And you wonder why everyone thinks politicians are full of hot air and that they are greasy weasels? Why was this voted on by a subcommittee of the Energy and Commerce Committee? Unreal. Anyway, back to the game – the Ravens are at home and hungry, with 3 of their 4 remaining games against teams under .500.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Cardinals (-3) over 49ERS
The quote applies to Mike Singletary, who has the heart and the emotion to be a great coach in the NFL, but he either doesn’t have the ability to get his guys to play correctly, or he doesn’t have the players capable of playing well. It might be a combination of both. The Cardinals have the heart and appear to have the brains as well based on the way their defense confused Brett Favre last week. I can’t see Alex Smith not struggling against the attacking Arizona defense.

Chargers (+3) over COWBOYS
Wade Phillips is the walking version of that quote. The players love him, and he seems like a good enough guy, but there are legit questions of whether he is smart enough to lead the Cowboys to success in the playoffs. Their schedule could easily lead to another December swoon. The Chargers are hotter than Brooklyn Decker on the beach and as hard as it is to imagine Norv Turner (who also fits the quote) leading a team deep in the playoffs, Phillip Rivers is trying his best to make that a possibility. He should be able to throw through the Cowboys secondary much the way Eli and the Giants did last week.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
COLTS (-7) over Broncos
Peyton and company have one more constructive week, and then they will have plenty of time to get Uncle Lewis his stogey. They have already clinched their division title, and a win this week they will clinch home field throughout the playoffs (they hold the tie breakers with the Bengals and Chargers). The Broncos have proven that their fast start was not a complete sham, but they are not on the same level as the Colts. Has anyone noticed that Joseph Addai is second in the league with 12 touchdowns in 12 games?

Saints (-10.5) over FALCONS
The Saints will keep their foot on the gas all the way through the regular season, and they get a break this week if Matt Ryan sits out again as expected. The Falcons have seen a promising start of the season fizzle away, as injuries have depleted the offense. After getting lit up like Uncle Lewis does to the Christmas tree by the Eagles last week, Atlanta will feel like Aunt Bethany’s cat after getting toasted by Drew Brees and the Saints.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS
The Bengals have been the biggest surprise of the entire season, and this pick does not mean that I am buying into the hype that Brett Favre has started his late season swoon. The Bengals have an aggressive defense similar to the Cardinals defense that threw Favre for a loop last week, and they have played their best games against the best competition. That will afford them the opportunity to keep the game close and possibly steal a win late. If the Bengals win this game they will have swept all their games against the AFC North and NFC North with a perfect 10-0 record. They are 0-3 outside the North Divisions, losing to Oakland, Houston and Denver, and their last 3 games are outside the North Divisions – San Diego, Kansas City & the Jets.

Dolphins (+2.5) over JAGUARS
I’m not sure I’ve picked a game right for either one of these teams all season. The Jaguars continue to find ways to win and the Dolphins have been inconsistent all season. If Jacksonville somehow makes it to the playoffs, they will be like Uncle Eddie in that no one really wants him around, but they will make for great comedy when they get blown out by the Bengals or Chargers.

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

GIANTS (-1) over Eagles
The Eagles signed on for successful regular seasons followed by flame outs in the playoffs through 2013 with the extension they gave to Andy Reid. Philly has won the last three games in this heated series, including the playoff win last year in New York. Yet when Tom Coughlin has his team focused, they will blast off like the Santa Claus lawn ornament at the end of the movie. Giants move into a tie for the division lead with the victory.

Heisman Vote - Brewers Signings - Snow Man Video

We’ll get to my thoughts on the Heisman, but first my thoughts on the Brewers action in free agency, my Thursday Night NFL pick, and at the end, a snowman video.

The Brewers were active yesterday, signing two veteran left-handers to bolster their pitching, which was putrid last year (starting pitching ERA was tied for last in the majors). Randy Wolf, a 33-year-old starter was signed for 3 years at $29.75 million, and LaTroy Hawkins, a 37-year-old reliever inked a 2 year deal for $7.5 million total.

The Hawkins signing seems like a pretty good deal for a veteran reliever that can be a set-up man for Trevor Hoffman, and has closing experience if necessary. Hawkins still has pretty good pop on his fastball, hitting the low-90’s consistently, which is a perfect contrast to Hoffman and his devastating change-up. Last year Brewers opponents saw Suppan’s 86 mph fastball, followed by Carlos Villanueva’s 87 mph fastball in the set-up roll before Hoffman came in with his 89 mph fastball. Now, hopefully Hawkins ability to consistently buzz the plate in the low 90’s will not allow the hitters to sit on the heater.

At first blush, I was underwhelmed by the signing of Randy Wolf, and confused by how aggressive the Brewers were in going after him. I’m still a little fearful that giving a 33-year old a 3 year contract could be risky, but after looking at the numbers, reading about his career and looking at the other options, I am firmly in the “good signing” camp on this one. Wolf has good velocity on his fastball and has a wicked curve. He has been healthy since his return from Tommy John in 2006, among the league leaders in starts in 2008 and 2009. He is an innings eater, and is a perfect core component of a good pitching staff. While that sounds less than thrilling, it is.

I think his upside is a great #2 in the rotation, and his likely production will make him a very solid #3 starter. So doesn’t $9 million seem expensive for a #3 starter? There are two ways to look at it: First, would you have traded Mike “K”ameron for Randy Wolf? I would have in a heartbeat. “K”ameron made $10 million last year. Second, there weren’t better options out there, and the Brewers may not be done. Basically, the Brewers were at the dance, scouting the talent, and they had more than few drinks in them to drown the sorrows of last year's disappointment. After that seventh drink, they decided they had the money to buy a drink for the best looking girl at the bar - and you're hoping that she turns out to still be good looking once you sober up - like Jenna Fischer after a couple seasons of The Office.

With the money they saved trading J.J. Hardy, they might still be in the running for Jarrod Washburn, a Wisconsin native. There is also still a chance they can pull off a trade for Javier Vazquez of Atlanta by dangling Matt Gamel out there. And finally, what about Ben Sheets or Mark Mulder? I know they’re coming off injuries, but they have tremendous upside if they can return to some form of their old selves. If you can ink them to an incentive-laden deal, wouldn’t that be worth it? We know Sheets has the stuff to be a #1 starter, but we’re also all too familiar with his injury history. I’d be willing to ride that roller coaster again now that we have Gallardo, Wolf, Parra, Bush & Suppan already in the fold.

Oh, and this guy has way too much time on his hands for this breakdown of Randy Wolf, and proves that baseball is a game that can be a little too reliant on stats. It’s kind of like choosing a wife based purely on her 36-24-36 measurements, and not taking the fact that she’s crazy into account. Something Chuck Finley probably should have thought of before tying the knot with Tawny Kitaen.

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I don’t actually have a Heisman vote, because surprisingly, they don’t hand out votes to guys whose athletic careers peaked in middle school, and don’t work as an actual journalist. But if I did have a vote, here’s how my ballot would look, working from the bottom to the top:

Write-In Vote: CJ Spiller – RB, Clemson
The guy is the most electric player in college football. He can score through kick returns, punt returns, rushing, receiving, and he even threw a touchdown pass.

5 – Tim Tebow – QB, Florida
I would vote Spiller higher than Tebow, who has been a great leader, but not a great player this year.

4 – Colt McCoy – QB, Texas
On Thanksgiving, I thought McCoy was wrapping up the award, but his terrible clock management and poor play in the SEC Championship cost him the chance. He wasn’t good in the biggest games of the year.

3 – Ndamukong Suh – DE, Nebraska
He was completely dominant against Texas, and will likely be the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. Yet as a defensive player, he doesn’t move the needle enough to be a Heisman winner.

2 – Mark Ingram – RB, Oklahoma
He was a monster in the SEC Championship, guaranteeing Tebow won’t win the award. He has put up great numbers, and might resemble Emmitt Smith. But he was awful against Auburn with 19 yards on 16 carries, and on the bench during his team’s comeback.

1 – Toby Gerhart – RB, Stanford
The guy is a beast and put up huge numbers against the best opposition he played against. In an underwhelming year of top players, Gerhart is the choice.

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THURSDAY NFL PICK

BROWNS (+9) over Steelers
The Browns are playing much better, Brady Quinn resembles an NFL quarterback, and the game is in Cleveland. Pittsburgh is coming off losses to Oakland, Kansas City & Baltimore, and reeling. Quinn can take advantage of the struggling Steelers secondary (if Gradkowski could throw three 4th quarter TDs…..) and put enough points on the board to get the cover.
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What would you expect to happen when a foot of snow drops on Madison, and the University calls off school the following day? Amazingly, the kids went out and got hammered and made snowmen in the middle of the street……..

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This has been flying around pretty quickly, but it’s a great spoof on Notre Dame buying out Charlie Weis. And now that Brian Kelley has admitted that he is “pro-choice” he may have removed himself from consideration as their next coach. Randy Edsall of UConn is the next guy to go through the car wash……….

NFL Power Rankings - How I Met Your Mother

Tiger-free for two days and counting……

No big introduction to the NFL Rankings this week. The best comedy of the decade in my humble opinion is “How I Met Your Mother,” so the rankings are broken down based on the characters of the show. The show started out as a comedy/mystery about how Ted Mosby meets his eventual wife, and basically morphed into a modern, funnier version of Friends. Though we’re still mildly interested in how Ted actually finds his wife, it’s more entertaining to see what new schemes Barney can pull off. And word is that after the new year, Rachel Bilson will be joining the cast. The hits keep coming for the show.

This week’s biggest climbers in the rankings are the Dolphins and Giants. The biggest drop in the rankings belongs to the Steelers and 49ers. By the way…..there is a new “Snuggie” and it’s called “The Dreamie” – it’s a sleeping bag made of a sheet or fleece. People are dumb.

Barney Stinton Tier (Neil Patrick Harris)
Barney has become legend…….wait for it……….dary with his pick-up lines, and schemes that end up with some random woman leaving his apartment in a daze. There is no better word to describe Barney than “awesome” and he let’s you know in almost every episode. Thankfully they stopped that real relationship with Robin and can get back to showing him as the whiter, shorter, and less golfing-gifted, television version of Tiger Woods. (Dammit there goes the streak). These are the teams that keep us coming back to watch more football each week to see what they can do next.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – They should have lost to the Redskins and dropped out of this top spot. When Suisham missed that short field goal, it was like the Saints used The Force to push the ball out of the goal posts, which reminds me of a Barney Stinson quote: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!!”

2. Colts (2) – The Colts have repeatedly said they will rest their starters once they clinch all they can clinch. That means we’re going to get some good Jim Sorgi time!!

3. Chargers (4) – They are on fire right now, and based on their past, they are probably the team that scares the Colts the most.

4. Bengals (5) – They haven’t blown out poor competition, but they continue to win games and with the Ravens and Steelers slip-sliding away, they are about to lock up the division.

5. Cardinals (7) – The Cards “suited up” for their prime time destruction of the Vikings and appear to be peaking at the right time. More important, their defense was more impressive than their offense.

6. Vikings (3) – Don’t overreact to one week. There were polls out there “Did Favre Hit the Wall?” and people expecting this to be the late season swoon from the Vikings. They lost their second game of the season to a very good team, on the road, and Favre had his first bad game of the season. Allow them an attempt to rebound before writing them off.

Robin Scherbatsky Tier (Cobie Smulders)
Robin plays the stereotypical “hot” girl of the show, with the girl-next-door good looks and great personality. She was the first girl that we started to believe could possibly be Ted’s eventual wife. Along the way, Older Ted referred to her as “Aunt Robin” so it was basically being told to us that she wasn’t the one. Yet we wanted to believe that she was better looking, and more likely to end up with Ted than she actually was. Which is why these teams fit in the category – we really want them to be “the one” team that can win it all, but they all have some fatal flaws that have been telling us all along that they will not win the crown.

7. Eagles (10) – Hard to tell if Michael Vick’s role is really going to expand or if Andy Reid jus threw him a bone for his return to Atlanta.

8. Packers (9) – Their defense is playing as well as anyone in the league right now, creating turnovers and controlling every game. I’m still not sold on McCarthy’s game management skills – his challenge of a sure TD against Baltimore left them without a challenge (they also challenged successfully earlier in the game) with more than a quarter and a half left in a close game.

9. Cowboys (6) – They have a brutal schedule ahead and they already lost their first game in December. The Cowboys are like the Anti-Santa Claus: they are around all year and disappear in December.

10. Broncos (13) – They’re the epitome of the Robin Tier, starting the season looking like the one, falling apart and giving it a go with the “naked man” at one point, and then getting it back together and making you think that maybe, just maybe, they have a shot. They don’t.

11. Giants (16) – Tom Coughlin has the ability to rally his troops when they are hanging by a thread. They’ve now swept the Cowboys, combining with their schedule to give them the inside track to knock the Boys out of the playoffs.

12. Pats (8) – They probably deserve their own tier – The Naked Man Tier. Because they appear to be desperately throwing a hail mary and consistently going for it on 4th down, proving that Coach Belichick has absolutely no faith in his defense.

13. Ravens (11) – Joe Flacco is suffering through a sophomore slump, and it is putting the Ravens’ playoff hopes on the rocks.

14. Dolphins (21) – The Dolphins have the look of Robin, really good at times, but other times, not so much. You never know if you’re going to get the good or bad Robin and you never know which Dolphins team will show up each week. Maybe it’s because she’s Canadian – in the show and in real life.

15. Jets (17) – Speaking of Canada, the Jets are the kings of Canada. Kind of like Robin’s Canadian pop star days, it’s meaningless.

16. Jaguars (20) – They keep winning, so they can’t be ignored. Well, except by all of their fans in Jacksonville.

Stella Zinman Tier (Sarah Chalke)
Stella was the girl from Scrubs who because a regular on the show as Ted’s dermatologist-turned-girlfriend-turned-fiancé. She started off with some rough baggage, having a 6 year old daughter, and living in Jersey. She then captured our hearts and made it all the way to the wedding day before flaking out and leaving Ted at the altar. Kind of reminds me of……..

17. Titans (15) – Started off with some baggage, got super hot and everyone was talking about them running the table. Then they hit the Colts buzz saw and their back with their old boyfriend “losing streak”.

Ted Mosby Tier (Josh Radnor)
Supposedly the main character of the show, as the entire show is based upon Ted finding his future wife. Ted goes through some tough transitions in his life with women and his jobs/career. You want to root for him because he does appear to be a really good guy, but at the same time, he has some of that desperation quality that makes it pretty obvious why women run away. They want to see some confidence and some spontaneity, and Ted has been lacking in both. These teams lack the confidence and despite a lead role, they have fallen to an also-ran level.

18. Falcons (14) – They cannot go far without a healthy Matt Ryan. And Ryan is not healthy, as his Sergeant Hulka (see the movie Stripes if you don’t get the reference) is banged up.

19. Steelers (12) – After losing to the Chiefs and Raiders, the problems must be bigger than just Troy Polamalu.

20. Texans (18) – They should take a lesson from Ted’s two-minute drill, when he wooed Stella because he was a closer. They lack the ability to close, and Gary Kubiak will be fired as a result.

Marshall Eriksen Tier (Jason Segel)
Marshall provides the physical comedy as the quirky friend, and is also part of the married couple on the show with Lily. The stories very rarely focus on Marshall, but he has the ability to dominate a show for a few minutes with some great lines, a singing about what he’s doing.

21. Panthers (23) – Benching Jake Delhomme had to help, but it was against the Bucs, so it’s hard to tell if it really means anything yet.

22. Seahawks (26) – They showed some life by beating the 49ers, and might be singing a song about the arrival of Mike Holmgren in the near future.

23. Bears (22) – Marshall is from Minnesota and is a huge Vikings fan, so he would probably be disappointed that the Bears are in his tier. But that’s what happens when your offense has disappointed, and the team will be looking for a new head coach after the season.

24. 49ers (19) – Losing to the Seahawks to crush any hopes of the playoffs? I guess they’re still the Niners.

25. Raiders (28) – They have been playing well with Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback, and it might have saved Tom Cable’s job. I can see the Cable household resembling Marshall’s family, with a bunch of oversized dudes who like to rough-house.

26. Redskins (25) – Washington is playing much better and they could play spoiler in determining who wins the NFC East.

Simon Tier (James Vanderbeek)
One of my favorite episodes was Simon’s appearance as Robin’s childhood crush. He grew up in Canada with Robin and was in a band and Robin was his groupie. He makes a trip to New York as an older, fatter Canadian still trying to play in the band. Robin still has a crush on him, and answers whenever he would call, “Eh, babe.” until he once again leaves her without explanation.

27. Bills (24) – The part Canadian team in the NFL did not exactly put on a great show for their new fans. And why would they give up an outdoor home game in December when the potential for cold weather could be beneficial for them?

Lily Aldrin Tier (Alyson Hannigan)
Lily is Marshall’s wife, and usually the attempted voice of Barney’s conscience. I’m not sure what it is about her, but she annoys me. Maybe it’s that she is manipulative and always scheming to make things right according to her world. I don’t know, but she has a nasty temper, and I rarely am entertained by her comedy. Yet, she works as part of the show, and it’s a good role for her.

28. Chiefs (27) – The Chiefs are the Slap Bet Commissioner of this sorry group of teams, and each team below them should get slapped for being incompetent.

29. Lions (29) – Lions fans can remember their two wins this season like this one time…..at band camp………C’mon, did you really think I would leave that out of any time I mention Alyson Hannigan? It’s just a requirement.

30. Buccaneers (30) – Josh Freeman had his “Mark Sanchez” moment last week, with 5 interceptions. They have been competitive, but still have quite a bit of work to do.

31. Browns (32) – Maybe the Browns don’t need to draft a quarterback. If they would put down the QB-hook and allow Brady Quinn to go through the learning process (like the Lions are doing with Stafford, the Jets are doing with Sanchez, and the Ravens are doing with Flacco), he might just prove that he is as good as he was projected to be.

32. Rams (31) – They should apply for a painting fellowship in San Francisco and go away for three months. That would save their fans the embarrassment of the rest of the season.

Tuesday Ramblings - Worst of the Decade

What a sloppy game, but a big win for the Packers over the Ravens. There were 10 first downs due to penalties (9 pass interference) during the game and both quarterbacks realized when the play broke down, just throw it deep and there’s a pretty good chance of a penalty. Tramon Williams of Green Bay showed on multiple occasions his favorite play is an arm bar to grab the receiver to try and improve his closing speed. Unfortunately for him, the refs were aware of his specialty. Jon “Sunny” Gruden tried to blame the penalties on the weather before adjusting his knee pads for any discussion regarding Charles Woodson (who played for Sunny in Oakland)

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With Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate declaring for the NFL Draft, the next Notre Dame coach will be coming into a serious rebuilding situation with a pretty bare cupboard. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results, right? I mentioned the similarities between Brian Kelly and Charlie Weiss yesterday. Now they’re also going to talk to a young hotshot from Stanford in Jim Harbaugh. Well, that sounds really familiar too, so where have I heard that story? Oh yeah, Notre Dame hired Ty Willingham from Stanford, and well, we all know how that turned out. How about some creativity or a new idea in South Bend?

UPDATE: Harbaugh says he is not talking to Notre Dame and has no interest in the job. Maybe the Irish will call Bob Davie to see if he has a brother?

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As we wind down the last few weeks of the decade, there will likely be a ton of rankings and ratings of the “best of the decade” in everything from music to movies to sports. I’m going the other way and I want to cover some of the worst of the decade. It’s time to look at the worst draft picks in the NFL and NBA during the decade. It’s also time to look at the worst champion in baseball, basketball and football during the decade. As the decade ends with the year of “transgressions” from Tiger to David Letterman to Steve Phillips and so on and so on…….let’s look at some other teams and drafts that scraped the bottom of the barrel.

Worst NBA Draft Pick – Darko Milicic (#2 Overall, Detroit Pistons)
In judging the NBA draft, I tried to discount many of the foreign players taken later in the first round because in many instances they weren’t expected to actually play in the US. As a result, many of the Spurs picks were not eligible. However, Darko Milicic was the second overall selection in 2003 ahead of guys like Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony. He has bounced around like Lucy Pinder without a bra and is on his 4th team in 6 years, and is averaging 5.4 points and 4.0 rebounds per game. Honorable mention for the worst pick of the decade goes to Marcus Haislip (#12 by the Milwaukee Bucks in 2002), Mateen Cleaves (#14 by the Detroit Pistons in 2000) and Adam Morrison (#3 by the Charlotte Bobcats in 2006).

Worst NBA Champion – 2006 Miami Heat
There were 5 franchises that accounted for all the titles during the decade, the Lakers, Celtics, Spurs, Heat & Pistons. The 2006 Heat were a flash in the pan and the team where Pat Riley threw his “friend” Stan Van Gundy – the coach who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ron Jeremy - under the bus so he could take over the coaching duties to get the title. They beat underwhelming teams from Chicago, New Jersey and Detroit to get to the Finals, where Dwayne Wade and Shaq were on the positive end of some very shoddy officiating. Honorable mention goes to the 2004 Pistons who did not have a 20 point scorer, and benefitted from the infighting between Shaq & Kobe to beat the Lakers.

Worst MLB Champion – 2006 St. Louis Cardinals
The 2006 Cardinals went only 83-78 in the regular season and made the playoffs solely because the rest of the NL Central was so weak. They had a worse record than the second place teams in the NL East and West. Albert Pujols was their only legit offensive weapon, and their pitching was not going to scare anyone. Chris Carpenter went 15-8 with an ERA of 3.09, their only starter with an ERA under 4. They got through the playoffs on the suddenly hot arm of Jeff Suppan, which he parlayed into getting overpaid by the Brewers where he has stunk since then. Oh, and if you need any more proof, David Eckstein was the World Series MVP. A guy that is barely bigger than Verne Troyer was the MVP, proving that the league had finally decided to pay some attention to steroid abuse.

Honorable mention goes to the 2005 Chicago White Sox, where journeyman Jon Garland won 18 games, and Paul Konerko powered the offense to the title over the Astros.

Worst NFL Champion – 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Buccaneers were a collection of Tony Dungy players coached to the title by Jon Gruden, who the Bucs had bought from Oakland during the off-season. And that paid off tremendously as Tampa played the Raiders in the Super Bowl, and Gruden’s knowledge of his previous team paid off in the Super Bowl, when league MVP Rich Gannon had 5 interceptions. Gannon gave it up easier than a ___________ (choose your own adventure: Vegas Cocktail Waitress, Perkins Waitress, NYC club VIP Hostess, Porn Star). The Bucs had Brad Johnson at quarterback, which immediately puts them among the worst champions of all time. They didn’t have a 1,000 yard rusher (Michael Pittman had 718 yards) and Keyshawn Johnson barely topped the magic mark receiving (1,088 yards).

Honorable mention goes to the 2001 Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens had a horrid offense, but had a legendary defense so they can’t be completely discounted. Their defense practically outscored their offense, with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and the always-hungry Jon Jurkovic.

Worst NFL Draft Pick – Charles Rogers (#2 pick by the Detroit Lions in 2003)
I tried to discount how bad Rogers was due to some unfortunate injuries, as the guy broke his collar bone twice. But then I remembered how much he also loved the ganja and had a work ethic that rivaled JaMarcus Russell. He was drafted right ahead of Andre Johnson, who has turned into one of the best receivers in the league, also making the pick of Rogers that much more egregious. Rogers played in only 15 games during his 3 year career catching a total of 36 passes for 440 yards and 4 touchdowns. Rogers was among the draft blunders by Matt Millen, sandwiched by Joey Harrington in 2002 and Roy Williams in 2004. Maybe the problem was Chris Tucker took a break from filming Friday and Rush Hour and took Rogers place in the NFL?

Honorable Mention: There are a bunch of them, including the defensive linemen Justin Harrell and Jamal Reynolds both drafted by the Packers. Yet it came down to Rogers compared to Courtney Brown, the #1 pick in 2000 by the Cleveland Browns who lasted less than 5 years and played only 61 games, compiling 19 sacks. Another contender was JaMarcus Russell, the #1 pick in 2007 who could dominate an all-you-can-eat buffet, but couldn’t read a defense. In 28 games, Russell has thrown 17 touchdowns and 21 interceptions, with a passer rating under 66. His only redeeming quality at this point is that he is still fairly young and could maybe have a Vince Young revival? It’s unlikely, but possible.

Week 13 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Finally after 13 weeks, I recognize that hillbilly with the gray-stubble wearing that purple #4 jersey. More impressive was the performance from the Cardinals. There is some concern with how banged up Kurt Warner is after missing last week with a concussion and injuring his hip at the end of last night’s game. However, the Cardinals defense completely shut down Adrian Peterson, and confused Favre on multiple occasions. Could they be the second-most-dangerous team in the NFC?

- The BCS Championship matchup: Love. Texas was lucky to get by Nebraska after some terrible clock management, and Colt McCoy cost himself the Heisman trophy. Why did they not use their timeout? Why did they call a roll out and casually throw it out of bounds barely leaving one second for the final kick? Maybe they were reading from the Les Miles/Andy Reid book of clock management. Here was a four-year starter at quarterback that didn’t appear to have a good grip on the game clock? In the end, we get the two big programs and probably the best teams playing for the national championship. Alabama looked dominant against Florida and Texas will have a tough time putting up points against the Bama defense, which is better than the Nebraska defense that stuffed Texas all night. I think the difference may come down to coaching, and it’s tough to go against Nick Saban with a month of preparation to come up with ways to slow down McCoy and the Texas offense. He's quickly put himself among the legendary Alabama coaches, Bear Bryant and Gene Stallings.

- Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady. Case closed. No argument. Despite Brady having 3 Super Bowls to Manning’s one, it’s not even close. Manning continues to be a master with the Colts, crushing records, cruising through the league with new weapons around him, and running the team with perfect precision. Brady threw another 2 fourth quarter interceptions yesterday, and it’s been 5 years since his last Super Bowl title. While Brady remains in the discussion among the top quarterbacks in the league (probably still the #2), Manning is a level above him in every way…….except for the whole Gisele thing. Though he’s done pretty well considering he has more chance of being on the cover of “Herman Muenster Look-A-Likes Monthly” than GQ.

- The race for the NFC East just got a lot more interesting. While I still think the division is grossly overrated, the Cowboys and Eagles are tied at the top with 8-4 records and the Giants are now 1 game back at 7-5, and have swept the Cowboys. The Cowboys may have another December swoon, but it may be a result of their schedule more than anything. After losing in NY, they get San Diego at home and then go to New Orleans before finishing at Washington and hosting Philly. That is a brutal finishing kick. 10-6 would be an accomplishment and 9-7 would not be a stretch. Philly goes to NY this weekend, where the Giants have revenge on their minds and seem to have regained some confidence. They then have San Francisco and Denver at home before finishing at Dallas. That looks like 10-6 but 9-7 would not surprise me since the Eagles love to choke away winnable games. The Giants need to go 3-1 to have a chance, and after a home game against Philly, they go to Washington, host Carolina and finish at Minnesota. It should be an interesting run down the stretch

- Reason #2,321,768 why I will never be able to make a living gambling: The Redskins lose to the Lions, breaking Detroit’s 19 game losing streak, but then have multiple chances to knock off the 11-0 Saints. The “Bingo” offense showed life the past few weeks, and had Suisham hit the 23-yard field goal, they would have iced the game. Can Jason Campbell not handle the pressure when games matter, and as soon as the team is out of it, he looks like he could have the potential to be the Redskins’ quarterback next year? It sure appears that way. So while some might say it’s an example that the Saints can or will be beat, I think the exact opposite. They were able to pull out this game when they had a hangover from the Pats game, and didn’t play well. I think they will run the table. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

HATE

- The Fiesta Bowl matchup between TCU and Boise State. No one wants to see the two small conference teams play each other. We want to see them play against the “Big Boys” to see how they really match up and if they are as good as their unblemished records. The ratings for this game will be horrible. No one is saying “man, I really want to know if Boise State or TCU is the best unbeaten team that doesn’t get to play anyone.” Having them match up is not in the best interest of the BCS either. Now it is guaranteed that one of them will be unbeaten and can make a legit argument that they didn’t get a fair shot to prove they were the best team in the land. If you match them up separately against Georgia Tech and Florida, they both lose and suddenly it adds ammunition to the argument that the BCS works. Oh, and someone please show or tell me what the hell that hand signal thing is the TCU fans do?

- Grow up Tim Tebow. There is just something so contrived about the guy, and his big crying show he put on as he team was getting dismantled was another example of it. Of course CBS had to show his passionate/contrived speech on the sidelines imploring his defense to play better. Maybe he should have given that speech in the mirror. Random aside: Why would Florida break out the hideous alternate all-white jerseys for the conference championship game? They have strong colors in the bold blue and bright orange, and they hide all of it with white jerseys, white pants and a white helmet? Seems like they were taunting karma and got kicked in the jimmy.

- The mainstream media is going to tell us that Michael Vick is back after doing some stuff in Atlanta. Who cares? No one. He was able to get some things done in a blow out game when the Falcons had given up. It’s a non-story. The media is obsessed with trying to make a story out of this guy when he sneezes, drops a deuce or steps on the field. He’s about as relevant as Canada. Let’s just move on.

- The Steelers are going down faster than Lindsay Lohan on a table of nose candy. Four straight losses, including one to the Raiders and one to the Chiefs (who have been destroyed by the Chargers & Broncos). They are in absolute crisis mode and likely just knocked themselves out of the playoffs. I suspect this was not the “hell” that Mike Tomlin had in mind during the December. The bigger question might be whether Tom Cable saved his job in Oakland? The Raiders almost look like a pro football team, but who knows if all the off-field issues will have a detrimental effect on his long-term prospects. Someone please wake up Al Davis and ask him what he thinks.

- We’re about one more mistress away from Tiger Woods claiming he’s a sex-addict and going into rehab before the next golf season kicks off. Have you seen the latest one? After his best looking birdie (so far) came out, Jaime Jungers, he went “Steve Phillips” on us with Mindy Lawton. Yikes. I guess it’s probably just time to start bringing out women that aren’t skanks or waitresses (or both) from Vegas/Orlando that DIDN’T sleep with Tiger, as it might be a shorter list.

And Saturday Night Live did a skit about Tiger getting roughed up by his wife on the same show where the musical guest was Rhianna? That’s some unfortunate comedic timing.

And now the NY Post claims that the number is up to 9 for Tiger. Once he paid Rachel Uchitel to keep her trap shut (and I guess you could claim he paid her to keep other things open?), it opened the floodgates for every woman he ever had a conversation with to come out and offer up all the details for some easy cash.

- One more thing – so Notre Dame was turned down by Bob Stoops and now they’re going to turn to Brian Kelley at Cincinnati as their top target? Let me get this straight……they got turned down by their top target, and now they’re going after a hot name that is an offensive whizz, but doesn’t know anything about defense. Sound familiar? Five years ago, they were turned down by their top target, Urban Meyer, and they settled on an offensive genius who didn’t know defense in Charlie Weis. So how is this going to be any different or better?

Degenerate Friday on Saturday!! Week 13

I’ve got the back-up computer working, so I will be able to keep providing you with my insane ramblings and glorious gambling picks. Unfortunately, I had to send out my primary computer to be fixed, so I did lose what I had written up for Friday’s article. I had ranked the games based on college football conference tiers. I’m way too lazy to try and rewrite the article, or the story about Ron Jeremy. So instead, just quick picks for the week. After a pitiful 2 week stretch, I’ve fallen to 88-87-2 on the season, not counting Thursday’s winner with the Jets covering in Toronto against the Bills.

First, as it’s just a few hours before kick-off, I like Alabama +5.5 over Florida in the SEC Championship. Nick Saban gets his revenge for last year’s loss.

Standard disclosures apply: recreational use, NY Post lines, home team in CAPS, etc.

Cowboys (-2) over GIANTS – Giants defense hasn’t stopped anyone since week 5 and Cowboys are feeling pretty good. Can they stop their traditional December slide?

Broncos (-4.5) over CHIEFS – Chiefs just got lit up by the Chargers and McDaniels has the Broncos believing they are underdogs again.

STEELERS (-14.5) over Raiders – Despite the locker room turmoil, the Steelers will be ready to “unleash hell” as Coach Tomlin promised, and what better team to unleash it on than the Raiders?

Texans (Pick) over JAGUARS – Jags beat Texans in Houston, are 4-1 at home and Houston doesn’t know how to close out games. Yet the Texans are the better team and the pick.

Titans (+6.5) over COLTS – Titans are white hot and Colts have been allowing teams to hang around. The Titans are the more desperate team that needs the game to keep their playoff dreams alive.

FALCONS (+5.5) over Eagles – The Georgia Dome will be rocking to welcome back Michael Vick with boos, and in a game with a ton of injuries (Ryan, Westbrook, Turner & DeSean Jackson), take the home team and the points.

Lions (+13) over BENGALS – The Bengals are the Katy Perry of the NFL – definitely a healthy dose of crazy, but there are two big reasons they are able to be successful…….for the Bengals, it’s Cedric Benson and Larry Johnson.

Saints (-9.5) over REDSKINS – This is a dangerous spot for the Saints, coming off a short week on the road against an improving defense. Yet the Saints want to dominate all season and will continue against the Skins. Someone let Jim Zorn know what time he has to get to the stadium to impersonate a statue for 3 hours.

Buccaneers (+6) over PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme might be a blessing for the Panthers. Matt Moore starting is not.

BEARS (-9) over Rams – Chicago needs this game to relieve the pressure on Lovie Smith. But it might be too late as the ghost of Mike Shanahan looms over the city.

Chargers (-13) over BROWNS – The weather could be a factor in Cleveland, but the Chargers have the ability to go through the air with Rivers or the ground with Tomlinson.

49ers (Pick) over SEAHAWKS – Seattle might be getting the Human Walrus, Mike Holmgren back in town next year. 49ers have Crabs and VD, which is too much for the ‘Hawks.

Vikings (-3.5) over CARDINALS – Peterson may end up with less rushing yards than his speed on his ticket this week (109), but Percy Harvin and Sidney Rice are too much for the Cards.

Patriots (-4.5) over DOLPHINS – Belichick and Brady don’t lose back to back games.

PACKERS (-3) over Ravens – Ravens defense shut down the Steelers last week, but Aaron Rodgers is about 10 levels above Dennis Dixon. The ageless Donald Driver and Greg Jennings should have a field day against the Ravens secondary.

Computer Crashed Delaying Degenerate Friday!

Hi everybody.....my computer crashed this morning right after I wrote up the picks for Sunday's games and told my story of seeing Ron Jeremy strolling down the street last night....but before I got to post it. I'll post the picks soon and hope I can recover the entire article but I'm way overdue for a drink......damn technology.