Thursday, October 22, 2009

Why It Must Suck To Be A Bears Fan

It is not debatable that it sucks to be a Bears fan. It is only debatable WHY it sucks to be a Bears fan. The football team in the city of broad shoulders has not excelled at the sport where broad shoulders should come in extremely useful.

So this is why it sucks to be a Bears fan…….

I. The Fan Base

First and foremost, it sucks to be a Bears fan because you are lumped together with the overweight, sausage-eating, baker’s-dozen-heart-attack-having, Ditka-loving group from Saturday Night Live. Talking about da bears and dem guys dat can’t win dat game against dat udder team. It’s not a pretty sight to see the passionate fans of Chicago watching their team come up short time and time again. And the fans are passionate, because let’s be honest, what else do they have to cheer for? The Cubs? Yeah, that “curse” from 1908 isn’t going to end anytime soon for the loveable losers that fill the stands with people who don’t know anything about baseball, but know that they want to be seen at the game. Oh, and they just declared bankruptcy, so do you really expect them to improve any time soon? No. The Bulls? Ever since Jerry Krause ran Jordan out of town, the team has been a laughing stock. Oh, and that was more than 10 years ago the last time the Bulls were relevant. The White Sox? Please. There are only a dozen people that know the White Sox play in Chicago and 2 of them are still on probation from their booze-fueled attack on the Royals first base coach a few seasons ago. The Blackhawks? They have a great, rich tradition of success, but no one outside of Canada cares about a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters.” So the fans in Chicago have no choice but to have blind faith and hope for the Bears success.

II. The Ownership/Management

The McCaskey family controls about 80% of the team, and I don’t think you can question their passion for the team and for football. Unfortunately, the problem has been with hiring poor personnel people and messing up the roster. The McCaskeys hired Jerry Angelo as the GM in 2001, yet their coach at the time, Dick Jauron, had in his contract that he would get final personnel power, so their GM essentially had no authority. That’s like having Barney Fife as your town sherriff and replacing him with Aunt Bea!! Amazingly, that didn’t work out well, and Jauron was eventually fired in 2003. The personnel decisions from Angelo have been horrendous. Free agency and trades haven’t treated the Bears well, bringing in Brian Griese, giving up a draft pick for John Tait, and giving away Thomas Jones. The same Thomas Jones who led the AFC in rushing last year, and is 5th this year. And it’s not pretty looking at the first round picks since 2001: David Terrell, Marc Columbo, Rex Grossman, Michael Haynes, Tommie Harris, Cedric Benson, Greg Olsen and Chris Williams. He gave up Thomas Jones to give the job to Cedric Benson who was eventually cut before resurfacing with the Bengals, and is now 3rd in the league in rushing. Is there such thing as a Reverse King Midas? Jerry Angelo might be King Turd – everything he touches turns to a turd until they are out from under the Bears’ grip. Oh, and then there’s Kyle Orton……..

III. The Quarterback
Speaking of Kyle Orton, it deserves its own section. The Quarterback of the Chicago Bears, it doesn’t sound that complicated. Play caretaker for a team with a good defense and a predisposition to run the ball. Yet the Bears have not found a quarterback since Sid Luckman – and he retired in 1950. Yes, Jim McMahon won a Super Bowl in 1986, but he was not the key to that team like Walter Payton and the defense were. Fans want to have a quarterback to see as the face of the franchise. Bears fans have had the following guys as their quarterbacks: Mike Tomczak, Jim Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Eric Kramer, Steve Walsh, Dave Krieg, Rick Mirer, Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, Brian Griese, and finally Jay Cutler. I’ll take “Quarterbacks I will always bet against and will win much more than I will lose” for a million, Alex. The Bears threw in Kyle Orton along with first round draft picks to get Jay Cutler, and all Orton has done is lead the Broncos to a perfect 6-0 start with a passer rating over 100, good for 8th in the league.

I mean, Jay Cutler just signed a two-year contract extension yesterday. That’s a sign of how bad it’s been for the Bears quarterbacks. Five games, 10 TDs, 7 INTs and a rating under 87.0, and yet that is far and away better than anything they’ve seen before, so they wanted to lock him up as soon as possible. Your kid only got in a fender-bender during his first 5 weeks with his license and didn’t total the car, so you might as well upgrade him to a Bentley.

IV. Lack of Success

And finally, the biggest reason it sucks to be a Bears fan is that the Bears suck. They won the Super Bowl in 1986 (after the 1985 season), and since then, made one flukey trip in 2006, where they were demolished by the Colts. The Bears fans still rely upon that 1985/6 team for an identity, and idolized Coach Ditka, Walter Payton, Mike Singletary, and Richard Dent so much that they have failed to realize how poor the team has been in the past 20+ years. Oh, and Ditka is from Pennsylvania, not Chicago. The Bears are 5-9 in the playoffs since winning that lone Super Bowl, and have only won their division 3 times since 1991. The Monsters of the Midway are about as intimidating as the Baby Muppets. Even Paris Hilton realized that the Bears suck, and dumped Brian Urlacher because she couldn’t date someone that was more overrated than her.

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