The Week 4 Hangover - Love/Hate

Have to lead off the week with this clip of a NYC old-school TV anchor telling his weather man to “keep f—king that chicken” live on the air. One of the best on-air slips I’ve heard in a while. Also ranks up there with the Cleveland sports anchor reacting to Lebron hitting a game-winning shot live on the air.

Not sure what to make of this either……….though it reminds me of the Great Hildo getting a ticket for urinating on Science Hall.


Had brunch next to Malcolm Gladwell on Saturday (yeah, next to, not with), and in real life, his hair is not nearly as interesting as it is on the jacket covers of Blink, Tipping Point or Outliers. All among my favorite books of all time.

LOVE

- I think Notre Dame figures they can cause Charlie Weiss to sweat off the pounds by having every game come down to the very last play

- One game playoff between the Twins & Tigers on Tuesday – outstanding. Tigers have to throw a rookie (the likely Rookie of the Year), which makes it interesting, on the road for a chance to be Yankee roadkill.

- Another ridiculous ending in Denver. So are we supposed to forget that Marshall was a huge d-bag in training camp and talk about what a great player he is? McDaniels seems to have gotten through to him, and McDaniels seems to be breaking the trend of bad Belichick assistants-turned-head-coaches.

- Early predictions – Holmgren in Washington, Shannahan in Dallas and Cowher in Carolina next year. And there’s a chance Holmgren makes an appearance before this season’s over.

- So the picture of Michigan and Notre Dame is coming into better focus – neither is very good. Michigan beats Notre Dame at the last second after ND beat Michigan State at the last second and Michigan State beats Michigan at the last second. Mediocrity.

- Early game of the week in week 5…….Patriots at Broncos. Or maybe Bengals at Ravens? And in college we have #4 LSU at #1 Florida in the return of Tim Tebow……….and the unbeaten Badgers going to Columbus to battle the #8 Ohio State Buckeyes.

HATE


- I have a theory about SEC football. While it is the best conference in college football, and they produce a ton of pro players, have you ever noticed why all of the late-afternoon games tend to come down to the wire and have a ton of late scoring plays? The conference has great athletes, but they’re not very smart players, which means they don’t know technique, and late in the game, when athletic ability is minimized by fatigue, the offense has the advantage. The defense is tired and would have to rely on technique, but the players are too stupid and have only relied on athletic ability. Maybe more on this later in the week if I can look up some stats.

- So when I buy into a team (Jets) they throw up on themselves, when I continue to doubt a team (Broncos) they continue to win, and when I give up on a team (Pittsburgh) they win.

- Darren Sharper can still play. Even though I still blame him for the Packer loss in the ’98 wildcard game against the 49ers (well, along with the lack of fumble call on Jerry Rice), the guy continues to be a big playmaker and change games.

- Chuck Cecil with blood running down his nose as a safety in Green Bay was entertaining. Chuck Cecil as the d-coordinator of a bad Titans defense without Albert Haynesworth has not been very entertaining.

Go Packers tonight. Not feeling great about their chances, but believe an early turnover from Favre could be the difference.

Degenerate Friday - Week 3

Last week I went 8-8 (and if you discount the homer pick of the Packers, it’s a winning record) and got the lock of the week correct. I’m going to see that as progress from week 1, and we’re rounding into midseason form………or something like that.

This week I decided to break the games into different categories based on the intrigue/quality of the game. I broke the games into 4 tiers and labeled them with the cars from the Mound Street Crew. For those of you that don’t know, that’s the house in Madison that I lived in during my senior year of college with 5 other guys (the crew also includes Hildo, because he was there more than he wasn’t). It was a treat of a house….with 6 bedrooms, only 5 of which received heat (sorry Archie), 2 of the rooms were connected by a thin door (Squirrel & Diggity basically spooned through the door all year), 1 was barely big enough for a bed (sorry Web), and one had a sink and a fire escape/balcony (my room). Oh and who could forget the Blair Witch in the basement with a 5-foot high ceiling?

QUICK UPDATE: This is why the Cubs suck, will always suck and why C.U.B.S means: Completely Useless By September - a slap knocks their "star" 1B out of the game. What a joke.

And one more quick aside before getting to the games……..reason #232 why I don’t do heroin/quaaludes/etc: Mackenzie Phillips.

Same disclaimers every week - see last week for the full explanation......recreational use only, etc.

TOP TIER: Hildo’s BMW
It was the first luxury car for the group, which makes sense considering Hildo was 23 years older than us and finishing grad school while we were finishing undergrad. It was a brand new 2003 3-series BMW and much like the games in this tier, we expected high performance with some star power. Let’s hope that the games produce more scoring than Hildo saw in the car.

Titans (+2.5) over JETS
Titans are desperate and desperate teams with a good coach, a strong running game and strong run defense are dangerous. The Titans have had trouble against the pass the first two weeks (See Santonio Holmes & Andre Johnson), but that shouldn’t matter against Mark Sanchez and the Jets basic passing game. Jets run defense has been stout, and Darrelle Revis has looked like one of the best corners in the league, but I think the Titans can put up enough points to pull out a tough road victory.

PATRIOTS (-4) over Falcons
Tall order for Matty Ryan’s return to Boston – beat a ticked off Patriots team. Maybe Tom Brady should hire his security guards to play offensive line for New England, as they (allegedly) protected Mr. & Mrs. Giselle better than Logan Mankins and company have protected Brady in the first two weeks. Pats need this game more than the Falcons, and home field makes the difference.

Saints (-6) over BILLS
Buffalo has looked impressive in splitting their first two games, but I just don’t see them being able to keep up with the juggernaut Saints offense. Saints benefit from playing in upstate NY before the weather has a chance to be a factor. I think Trent Edwards is getting more comfortable with the offense and the inevitable TO dropped passes and they will be a factor all season long.

Cardinals (-2.5) over Colts
Much like a Thursday night at Brothers with $1 swampwaters, there should be a lot of action in this one, and it shouldn’t take “Living on a Prayer” on the juke box to get it started. It’s a difficult task for the short-handed Colts to win on Monday night on the road in Miami, then travel cross country on a short week and face a talented Cards offense. Strangely, the Cards running game should be the difference in this one, as the Cards get a big win.

TIER 2: Diggity’s Saab
The Saab was a very nice car in very good condition with a strong record of performance. The car had the ability to turn it up a notch with the turbo engine. These games should be entertaining and have intriguing players or story lines, with the ability to turn into the best games of the week. Also, the trunk was exceptionally spacious and relatively comfortable to ride in on the way home from the bar as long as TerBear (our underappreciated DD) was gentle on the brakes…………errrr, not that I would know.

Chiefs (+9.5) over EAGLES
This shouldn’t be a DOG of a game…….I like the underDOG in this game…….It could be a RUFF day for the Eagles……..okay, those are all the dog lines I could come up with for the return of Michael Vick. No one knows how much Vick is going to play or what his role is going to be. Kevin Kolb had enough trouble not turning the ball over without the distraction of Vick coming in and out of the game. I can hear you Philly idiots whining already: “but he threw for 390 yards!!” – that’s because Andy Reid is fundamentally opposed to running the ball and not having seconds at the dinner table. Chiefs keep it close enough to get the cover.

49ers (+7) over VIKINGS
I guess I’m late to the party on the Niners, but they appear to be the real deal and this is the week to prove it in the only matchup of 2-0 teams this week. Their defense can present problems for ODF and potentially slow Peterson (you know, only 100 yards and ONLY 1 TD) - though he's slightly banged up and was a limited participant in practice late in the week. The question is whether their offense can generate enough points against the tough Vikings defense. Hopefully the Frank Gore that gashed the Seahawks last week shows up, and is ready to carry the load again.

Bears (-2) over SEAHAWKS
Time for the bad Cutler to make another appearance. The mobile Seneca Wallace gives the ‘Hawks a better chance behind the banged up o-line, but there’s a reason he’s 5-7 as a starter: he’s not very good. Bad Cutler adds a couple more INTs to his total, and after the game Lovie Smith repeats a familiar phrase: “Rex Cutler is our quarterback.” Gore destroyed the Seahawks last week, so if Forte is going to get going, this is a good week for it to start.

Steelers (-4) over BENGALS
Classic game to not overreact too much to last week’s results. The Steelers coughed one up when the lonesome kicker Jeff Reed missed 2 FGs in the fourth quarter, and the Bengals ran over the Packers in Lambeau. Something tells me the Cedric Benson revival will take a week off – and that something is the Steelers defense. Antwan Odom has to be licking his chops getting ready to go against the weak Steelers o-line, but the Pittsburgh passing game will put up enough points to get the win.

COWBOYS (-9) over PANTHERS
In a battle of who can turn the ball over less, the ‘Boys get their first win in Jerry’s playhouse. Romo is an average QB in the NFL, not a superstar. But that’s multiple levels above where Jake Delhomme is.

TIER 3: The Smurf or The Turd
The Smurf was my 1994 Mercury Topaz (named after the color) and the Turd was Squirrel’s Ford Tempo – the 4DR twin to the Topaz (also named for its color). Reliable, not fancy, but got the job done. These are not the prettiest games on the docket this week, and you don’t want to brag to your friends about watching them, but you need something more than a bike to get to the movies and Indian casinos. (Not the actual Smurf in the picture, but that's basically it)

GIANTS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
Losing Kenny Phillips for the year hurts the Giants secondary, and Justin Tuck is unlikely to play this week after a dirty trip by Flozell Adams last week. Yet, the Bucs don’t have the ability to slow the Giants running game, and the passing game continues to evolve into a multi-pronged weapon. Was Eli calm and collected before the game-winning drive last week or is he too dumb to know it was a big moment? Either way, it seems to work for him.

CHARGERS (-6) over Dolphins
Norv Turner has consistently done less with more than any coach in NFL history. But the Dolphins don’t have the playmakers to keep up after the cross-country travel.

RAIDERS (+1.5) over Broncos
I’m going to go against the Broncos until I’m finally right. They beat the Bengals on a fluke and beat a terrible Browns team. Raiders are actually better than anyone thought and are winning/remaining competitive in spite of JaMarcus Russell. They can run on the Broncos and their defense will cause problems for Denver.

TIER 4: Archie’s 1987 Audi 5000
Just a few of the unique characteristics of the Audi: the speedometer didn’t work, the odometer stopped after about 150,000 miles, the trunk latch was broke, but the trunk was heavy enough to stay closed unless going over a big bump, and the car would randomly slide out of gear on occasion both while driving or idling – and it was an automatic transmission!! Watching these games, like driving in the Audi, may not be the best thing for your health, but it’s still a car/football game, and better than the alternative of watching “Police Women of Broward County” on TLC. (the picture isn't actually Archie's Audi, but it looked pretty close)

Redskins (-6.5) over LIONS
The media is all over this being the week that the Lions break the 19 game losing streak because the Redskins got booed off their home field after winning last week. I’m a firm believer that when all the “experts” are so sure of an upset, go the other way. It’s going to be ugly, but I think the Skins pull it off.

Packers (-6.5) over RAMS
Spagnuolo’s defense poses another threat to Aaron Rodger’s health. And if Cedric Benson tore through the Packer defense, what can Steven Jackson do? Rams offense combined with Packers attacking defense should produce enough turnovers to give Aaron Rodgers some short fields to put points on the board.

TEXANS (-4) over Jaguars (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
In a game that should not be entertaining, the Jags allowed the Cards to light them up last week. Expect another big game from Schaub, Andre Johnson, and maybe the return of Steve Slaton? Jaguars are a mess, son unless the Texans act like the Audi and slip out of gear, they should run away with this game.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Browns
This is a lot of points this early in the season to lay on a divisional game, but then again, it’s the Browns. I think they’re among the worst teams in the league and it’s just a matter of time until the team completely gives up on that idiot Mangini. Flacco continues to put up impressive passing numbers and the Ravens defense eats Brady Quinn’s lunch.

Week 2 NFL Power Rankings

Before getting to this week's power rankings - a quick link to an article on SI.com about the disappointing Brewers season and thoughts on what they might do for next year.


Well 5 of my top 7 from last week lost on Sunday, so there’s some significant shake-up in this week’s rankings - which shouldn’t be as surprising as Lamar Odom marrying the ugly Kardashian sister. The Jets continue to make me look foolish, and the hype machine is in high gear to anoint Sanchez the King of the Island (of Jersey?), however, they face a desperate Titans team this week, so it should be very interesting. Without further ado, here are my rankings for mocking and ridicule…….

1 – Giants (last week: 2) – Impressive win at Dallas despite a lack of success in the red zone. Taking advantage of other teams’ mistakes has been critical and they face a fairly soft schedule the next 3 weeks, which could provide them a nice cushion in the division if McNabb continues to miss time.

2 - Ravens (8) – The play by Ray Lewis to blow up Sproles in the backfield on the deciding 4th down of the game should be played on repeat at his enshrinement ceremony. Actually, it would be best if Ray just led a call and response like he does at the start of every game “Are my dogs in the house?!” and they play that clip. Then he could apologize for stabbing that guy at the super bowl…..wait, sorry, he was acquitted, so he’s innocent….and then return to his seat.

3 – Saints (9) – Impressive offensive output against a supposed tough defense in Philly (no QB shouldn’t have affected their ability to slow down Brees). Will they ride near the top of the rankings until they have to play in inclement weather?

4 – Colts (4) – Remain in the same spot this week after strange win against the ‘Phins. Having the ball less than 15 minutes and still putting up 27 points on the road? Impressive, but disappointing the “celebrities” there for the Dolphins – Williams sisters, JLo, Marc Antony, etc – was even better.

5 – Falcons (13) – Jump to the elite of the league this week, as Matt Ryan appears to be on the verge of making the leap. Huge test this week at New England, which will tell us if the Falcons are for real and if the Patriots are in as much trouble as the media fears.

6 – Vikings (10) – Beating terrible teams like the Lions and Browns while trailing both at halftime is far from impressive. But it is 2 wins, and if ODF can continue to not make turnovers and play smart, they have the talent. Favre is 30th (of 32) QBs in yardage, but 2nd in QB Rating……..has he finally learned or is this just a mirage?

7 – Steelers (1) – Tough loss in Chicago, and Jeff Reed probably should call a real estate agent …….just in case.

8 – Jets (15) – Impressive win for Rex’s boys. Remember last year when they Jets were 8-3 and collapsed to 9-7? It shouldn’t happen this year, but just another reason to wait to hand Sanchez the keys to NY/NJ.

9 – Patriots (3) – Much like the Black Knight in Monty Pytho, it's merely a flesh wound and I think they're still kicking.

10 – Chargers (12) – Probably shouldn’t be moving up after losing to the Ravens, but Joe Buck should probably keep his enormous ego in the announcing booth and continue to ride his father’s coattails than have his own talk show.

11 – Packers (5) – Offensive line is a serious concern because Rodgers will not stay healthy if he continues to get the David Carr treatment. Disturbing stat of the week: Excluding games against Detroit, Rodgers has only won 5 of the 16 games he has started. Ouch.

12 – 49ers (17) – Their defense appears to be legit, and winning two divisional games gets them off to a nice start. But their division is horrid, and the Seahawks are not the same without Matt Hasselbeck (who left with a cracked rib).

13 – Cowboys (11) – So maybe that hex Jessica Simpson put on Romo had an effect on Sunday night? Credit Collin Cowherd with the concept, but maybe Romo just isn’t that good? If no top college offered him a scholarship and no NFL GM drafted him, were they all wrong or did they see that maybe he doesn’t have that extra gear/level and he’s already playing as well as he ever will.

14 – Texans (16) – I didn’t believe they were as bad as their opening week performance, and bouncing back against the Titans was huge (as predicted right here). Still missing any contribution from Steve Slaton and Kubiak seemed concerned that he may not be the answer.

15 – Titans (7) – They are the best 0-2 team in the league by far, losing by a combined 6 points. Desperate for a win more than the Great Hildo is for his monthly Playboy magazine, this week they’re up against the league darling Jets, and you have to believe Jeff Fisher will have them ready.

16 – Eagles (6) – The defense was shredded last week, which is a problem. And the team has to be uncomfortable with Kolb turning the ball over fast and furious, Garcia on the sidelines, and the uncertainty of what Vick’s going to do. Oh, and you know McNabb’s fragile ego is not happy with any of the attention all the other QBs are getting.

17 – Broncos (25) – I suppose I should rank them higher, as they are 2-0, but I just can’t justify rewarding a fluke play against the Bengals and beating the Browns.

18 – Bengals (23) – Big win on the road in GB, and do we really believe that Cedric Benson is for real? Let me get this straight – GB defense can shut down Matt Forte but can’t slow Benson. That’s why this league doesn’t make any sense and gamblers don’t stand a chance.

19 – Buffalo (19) – Very close to being 2-0, and they have an interesting matchup with the Saints this week. In week 1, vandals painted a player’s lawn, and last week they broke into another player’s house and robbed his jewelry. And none of those events involved TO? I hope he doesn’t assault himself to get the spotlight back.

20 – Bears (22) – Big win at home over the Steelers to save a death spiral. Still not sold on Cutler – is he really more consistent than that guy they got rid of……..Rex Grossman?

21 – Cardinals (18) – They fell in the rankings after traveling out east and beating the Jags in an early game? “That’s somethin’ ain’t it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule and they go back to normal…..I don’t know.”

22 – Dolphins (24) – Almost feel bad for them after Monday night, but the good teams find ways to win. The Dolphins are not one of those teams.

23 – Seahawks (14) – Losing Hasselbeck could be a huge disaster for a team that was on the edge of winning their division or repeating their 4 wins from last year.

24 – Raiders (27) – Would any other franchise continue to stick behind JaMarcus Russell? The guy has a completion percentage of 35% after 2 games. That’s not a typo – 35%. Where would this qualify on the “trying to hang on too long” scale? Would this qualify as Vanilla Ice trying to come out with a second album or is it more like Blake Lively trying to convince us these are real? Note: I don’t care if they are real or not, I just needed an excuse to post that picture.

25 – Redskins (20) – What a pathetic offensive showing against the Rams….but at least it’s a win.

26 – Panthers (26) – Well at least Delhomme didn’t self destruct again, but the team is not very good. Not sure if Web still has those season tickets, but you might want to start selling late season tickets now before it’s too late.

27 – Jaguars (21) – If a team loses and there is no one there to see it, does it really count? Yes, Jaguars, you’re 0-2.

28 – Chiefs (29) – I don’t know what to think of this team, and I don’t really care. No fantasy players worth note, and no chance at the playoffs, so not much to pay attention to.

29 – Buccaneers (30) – Leftwich has thrown for a pretty hefty chunk of yardage in the first two games, but that’s a problem in itself. The state of Florida has 3 teams with a combined record of 0-6. At least it appears the “U” is back…….but is it as fun as when they were a bunch of convicts?

30 – Lions (31) – Is this the week they have a chance against the Redskins? The picks will come out tomorrow, so that’s my tease for Degenerate Friday. Kind of like the Lions have teased that they might keep it close in the first two games.

31 – Browns (28) – Mangini is treating his team like a bunch of toddlers with his meddling and stupid rules. Grown-ups don't like to be treated like little kids whether you work in football or finance and at some point, it's going to break. It's already not pretty, and I fear it's going to get worse.

32 – Rams (32) – “They’re still s#itty.”