Well 5 of my top 7 from last week lost on Sunday, so there’s some significant shake-up in this week’s rankings - which shouldn’t be as surprising as Lamar Odom marrying the ugly Kardashian sister. The Jets continue to make me look foolish, and the hype machine is in high gear to anoint Sanchez the King of the Island (of Jersey?), however, they face a desperate Titans team this week, so it should be very interesting. Without further ado, here are my rankings for mocking and ridicule…….
1 – Giants (last week: 2) – Impressive win at Dallas despite a lack of success in the red zone. Taking advantage of other teams’ mistakes has been critical and they face a fairly soft schedule the next 3 weeks, which could provide them a nice cushion in the division if McNabb continues to miss time.
2 - Ravens (8) – The play by Ray Lewis to blow up Sproles in the backfield on the deciding 4th down of the game should be played on repeat at his enshrinement ceremony. Actually, it would be best if Ray just led a call and response like he does at the start of every game “Are my dogs in the house?!” and they play that clip. Then he could apologize for stabbing that guy at the super bowl…..wait, sorry, he was acquitted, so he’s innocent….and then return to his seat.
3 – Saints (9) – Impressive offensive output against a supposed tough defense in Philly (no QB shouldn’t have affected their ability to slow down Brees). Will they ride near the top of the rankings until they have to play in inclement weather?
4 – Colts (4) – Remain in the same spot this week after strange win against the ‘Phins. Having the ball less than 15 minutes and still putting up 27 points on the road? Impressive, but disappointing the “celebrities” there for the Dolphins – Williams sisters, JLo, Marc Antony, etc – was even better.
5 – Falcons (13) – Jump to the elite of the league this week, as Matt Ryan appears to be on the verge of making the leap. Huge test this week at New England, which will tell us if the Falcons are for real and if the Patriots are in as much trouble as the media fears.
6 – Vikings (10) – Beating terrible teams like the Lions and Browns while trailing both at halftime is far from impressive. But it is 2 wins, and if ODF can continue to not make turnovers and play smart, they have the talent. Favre is 30th (of 32) QBs in yardage, but 2nd in QB Rating……..has he finally learned or is this just a mirage?
7 – Steelers (1) – Tough loss in Chicago, and Jeff Reed probably should call a real estate agent …….just in case.
8 – Jets (15) – Impressive win for Rex’s boys. Remember last year when they Jets were 8-3 and collapsed to 9-7? It shouldn’t happen this year, but just another reason to wait to hand Sanchez the keys to NY/NJ.
9 – Patriots (3) – Much like the Black Knight in Monty Pytho, it's merely a flesh wound and I think they're still kicking.
10 – Chargers (12) – Probably shouldn’t be moving up after losing to the Ravens, but Joe Buck should probably keep his enormous ego in the announcing booth and continue to ride his father’s coattails than have his own talk show.
11 – Packers (5) – Offensive line is a serious concern because Rodgers will not stay healthy if he continues to get the David Carr treatment. Disturbing stat of the week: Excluding games against Detroit, Rodgers has only won 5 of the 16 games he has started. Ouch.
12 – 49ers (17) – Their defense appears to be legit, and winning two divisional games gets them off to a nice start. But their division is horrid, and the Seahawks are not the same without Matt Hasselbeck (who left with a cracked rib).
13 – Cowboys (11) – So maybe that hex Jessica Simpson put on Romo had an effect on Sunday night? Credit Collin Cowherd with the concept, but maybe Romo just isn’t that good? If no top college offered him a scholarship and no NFL GM drafted him, were they all wrong or did they see that maybe he doesn’t have that extra gear/level and he’s already playing as well as he ever will.
14 – Texans (16) – I didn’t believe they were as bad as their opening week performance, and bouncing back against the Titans was huge (as predicted right here). Still missing any contribution from Steve Slaton and Kubiak seemed concerned that he may not be the answer.
15 – Titans (7) – They are the best 0-2 team in the league by far, losing by a combined 6 points. Desperate for a win more than the Great Hildo is for his monthly Playboy magazine, this week they’re up against the league darling Jets, and you have to believe Jeff Fisher will have them ready.
16 – Eagles (6) – The defense was shredded last week, which is a problem. And the team has to be uncomfortable with Kolb turning the ball over fast and furious, Garcia on the sidelines, and the uncertainty of what Vick’s going to do. Oh, and you know McNabb’s fragile ego is not happy with any of the attention all the other QBs are getting.
17 – Broncos (25) – I suppose I should rank them higher, as they are 2-0, but I just can’t justify rewarding a fluke play against the Bengals and beating the Browns.
18 – Bengals (23) – Big win on the road in GB, and do we really believe that Cedric Benson is for real? Let me get this straight – GB defense can shut down Matt Forte but can’t slow Benson. That’s why this league doesn’t make any sense and gamblers don’t stand a chance.
19 – Buffalo (19) – Very close to being 2-0, and they have an interesting matchup with the Saints this week. In week 1, vandals painted a player’s lawn, and last week they broke into another player’s house and robbed his jewelry. And none of those events involved TO? I hope he doesn’t assault himself to get the spotlight back.
20 – Bears (22) – Big win at home over the Steelers to save a death spiral. Still not sold on Cutler – is he really more consistent than that guy they got rid of……..Rex Grossman?
21 – Cardinals (18) – They fell in the rankings after traveling out east and beating the Jags in an early game? “That’s somethin’ ain’t it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule and they go back to normal…..I don’t know.”
22 – Dolphins (24) – Almost feel bad for them after Monday night, but the good teams find ways to win. The Dolphins are not one of those teams.
23 – Seahawks (14) – Losing Hasselbeck could be a huge disaster for a team that was on the edge of winning their division or repeating their 4 wins from last year.
24 – Raiders (27) – Would any other franchise continue to stick behind JaMarcus Russell? The guy has a completion percentage of 35% after 2 games. That’s not a typo – 35%. Where would this qualify on the “trying to hang on too long” scale? Would this qualify as Vanilla Ice trying to come out with a second album or is it more like Blake Lively trying to convince us these are real? Note: I don’t care if they are real or not, I just needed an excuse to post that picture.
25 – Redskins (20) – What a pathetic offensive showing against the Rams….but at least it’s a win.
26 – Panthers (26) – Well at least Delhomme didn’t self destruct again, but the team is not very good. Not sure if Web still has those season tickets, but you might want to start selling late season tickets now before it’s too late.
27 – Jaguars (21) – If a team loses and there is no one there to see it, does it really count? Yes, Jaguars, you’re 0-2.
28 – Chiefs (29) – I don’t know what to think of this team, and I don’t really care. No fantasy players worth note, and no chance at the playoffs, so not much to pay attention to.
29 – Buccaneers (30) – Leftwich has thrown for a pretty hefty chunk of yardage in the first two games, but that’s a problem in itself. The state of Florida has 3 teams with a combined record of 0-6. At least it appears the “U” is back…….but is it as fun as when they were a bunch of convicts?
30 – Lions (31) – Is this the week they have a chance against the Redskins? The picks will come out tomorrow, so that’s my tease for Degenerate Friday. Kind of like the Lions have teased that they might keep it close in the first two games.
31 – Browns (28) – Mangini is treating his team like a bunch of toddlers with his meddling and stupid rules. Grown-ups don't like to be treated like little kids whether you work in football or finance and at some point, it's going to break. It's already not pretty, and I fear it's going to get worse.
32 – Rams (32) – “They’re still s#itty.”
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