Degenerate Friday!! Week 8

Last week I broke out of the .500 band…..with a 7-5-1 record. Not exactly kicking your man in the teeth, but more wins than losses is all that matters. There are some good matchups this week, and one of the all-time worst matchups in the history of the NFL. With trick-or-treat taking place throughout most of the country this weekend; the games are broken down by categories based on the candy that gets handed out. Five categories, so I left out a decent number of good and bad candy including those nasty peanut butter things in the orange and black wax paper wrappers. Who ever thought that was a good candy to get? Nasty, sticky and strange. Pencils & raisins also are among the worst things that could ever be handed out to kids. Who wants that crap when you’re supposed to be gorging on sweets? You can worry about US obesity 363 days a year, but not on Halloween, and not on Thanksgiving.

And let’s also make a pact – now that my friends and I are at the age where some of us own houses or have kids of our own – no handing out ONE bite or fun size candy bar!! What fun are two bites of candy deliciousness?!? Either give out a couple of the small bars, or just get the full size candy.

On to the week 8 picks starting from the worst possible candy you can hand out working up to the best candy/games………standard disclosures – recreational use only, home team in CAPS, etc.

The Apple
Who wants an apple on Halloween? Don’t get me wrong, I love apples – my favorite fruit and my favorite line from Matt Damon (“How you like them apples!?!”). But I do not want anything to do with an apple when you should be filling my plastic pumpkin basket with sugar. If you hand out an apple, you deserve to have that kid get to the end of your driveway, turn around and fire that apple off your front door like a CC Sabbathia heater.

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams (Craptastic Game of the Week)
This is an awful excuse for a football game. It will be more entertaining to rewatch a half dozen of the college games from Saturday than to watch this game. The teams have combined to win 3 times in their past 46 games. The Rams have scored the fewest points in the league and given up the most points in the league. They couldn’t score if they were given a leading role opposite Jennifer Anniston. Have to go with the Lions at home to extend the Rams losing streak to 18 games.

Smarties Candy
Smarties, the self-proclaimed “America’s favorite candy wafer roll,” are not bad tasting, but they go too fast and they make your mouth pucker up and prevent you from eating more candy. These are the football games that have a couple of semi-intriguing storylines, but you don’t want to focus on them, and it might not be compelling for long.

BEARS (-13) over Browns
Lovie Smith is starting to feel the heat, and this is a game that he has to win (and probably win impressively) to slow down the media attack. Maybe the Browns should hire Justin Timberlake as GM, as he has an impressive track record of scoring: Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Alyssa Milano, Scarlett Johansson, and hot Britney.

Jaguars (+3) over TITANS (Lock of the Week)
I’m down on the reinvention of the Vince Young Experience. How do you think the team is going to react to the owner ordering the coach to start his overpaid back up QB to “see what they have” in him? The coach doesn’t want to start him, but an 0-6 record does not provide Jeff Fisher with any leverage. Jags are just hanging around on the outskirts of the playoff picture, and I have a feeling MJD might dress up as an Oompa-Loompa for Halloween.

CHARGERS (-16.5) over Raiders
JaMarcus “Shamu” Russell couldn’t have made it any worse after his pathetic game against the Jets…..until he opened his mouth and proved that there is absolutely no hope at this guy even being an adequate back up in the NFL. Chargers blew out the Chiefs last week, and should be able to do it again. The only thing that could potentially give the Raiders hope is that it’s a divisional game, and that’s not much.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
Arguably among the tastiest combinations in the entire candy world: chocolate and peanut butter. Nothing better on Halloween than heading up to a door and seeing that "Take One" sign above a basket of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Jackpot!! When it comes to the "take one" baskets, there were 3 ways to go: (1) the nerdy kids that actually only took one; (2) the kids who didn't want to get in trouble, but had to take advantage of the situation and took a handful (or two); and then (3) the kids that just dumped the entire basket into your bucket. I always went for option 2 - harder to prove that I didn't take one (maybe the last 7 houses were giving out Reese's!!), but I was getting more than my share. These games have a great combos (RomoPyle-Austin, Warner-Fitzgerald, and Schaub-Johnson), but the games could be over quickly.

Texans (-3.5) over BILLS
I have a bad feeling about this game because every time anyone buys into the Texans, they typically throw up on themselves. The Bills record isn’t bad, but their wins have come against the Bucs (horrid), and huge turnover games by the Jets & Panthers. If Schaub can continue to not turn over the ball, the Texans should not have a problem. The biggest concern for the Texans is not whether Andre Johnson plays, but what the weather in Orchard Park is like come Sunday. They shouldn't even need Johnson to put up points on the Bills.

COWBOYS (-9.5) over Seahawks
Dallas seems to have found their mojo, and now welcome the perpetually banged up Seahawks to town. Without Walter Jones the Seattle offense has been impotent. Pretty sure I’m not going to taunt Miles Austin this week, as the guy has 400+ yards and 4 TDs in his past two games. Maybe a little bit of a letdown from those astronomical numbers, but he should be able to light up the ‘Hawks secondary.

CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers
This game opened up as a 7.5 point line, and likely moved to 10 as soon as John Fox announced he was going to stick with Jake Delhomme this week. The Cards have been winning with defense rather than offense lately, and were the team that started the Delhomme death spiral in the playoffs last year. Look for more of the same from a snake-bitten Jake, and the Cards roll at home.

The Kit-Kat
The real key to the Kit-Kat? Toss it in the freezer for a while, then after a couple hours, you have an absolutely outstanding treat. I mean, who doesn’t want to take a break with a Kit Kat? Now you’re singing the jingle – “Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!” You're welcome. And the Kit-Kat isn’t the best candy, but it’s solid and reliable, just like these games matching up two competitive teams.

JETS (-3) over Dolphins
Dolphins beat the Jets in Miami with the late wildcat touchdown. Rex Ryan will have his defense ready for the rematch. Mark Sanchez won’t be hot dogging it this week, but he should be able to put up yards against the Dolphins defense. The Dolphins have the QB in Henne capable of throwing it, but they are not happy with Ted Ginn Jr not catching it.

Broncos (-3.5) over RAVENS
Ravens are coming off a bye, so this is a dangerous route to take the Broncos on the road. Yet McDaniels will find a way for Orton and Marshall to light up the pathetic Ravens pass defense. I’m officially on the Broncos bandwagon. Ravens are spiraling downwards after their fast start, despite the very solid season Ray Rice is putting together.

COLTS (-12) over 49ers
Colts are coming off back to back bye weeks (real bye and Rams game), so they are rested and ready at home to welcome the Niners to Lucas Oil Stadium. The Alex Smith resurgence was impressive for one half, but they are going to need to put up more points than that to keep up with Peyton. And while Smith does have VD (that joke doesn’t get old), Peyton has Dallas Clark, and Reggie Wayne, and Joseph Addai, and Pierre Garcon. It’s a lot of points, but the Colts have won their last 4 games by an average of 24 points and they’re 5-1 against the spread this season.

The Milky Way
THE BEST candy out there is the Milky Way candy bar. Milk chocolate, caramel, and creamy nougat – a perfect combination of sweet, smooth and pure deliciousness. Don’t mess up your candy bar with peanuts or coconut – just keep with the good stuff. Did you know the Milky Way was created in 1923 and is known as a Mars Bar everywhere outside the U.S.? These are the best games of the week – all divisional rivalries and all should be extremely entertaining games.

Giants (pick) over EAGLES
Another NY-Philly matchup at Lincoln Field – the Phils & Yanks in the World Series Saturday and Sunday and the 76ers and Knicks play in the MSG home opener Saturday night. Giants are coming off two straight losses and need to rebound to take back command of the division. The Eagles rebounded from an embarrassment in Oakland by beating the I-AA Skins. Giants remember the McNabb phone call from the Giants sideline during the playoffs last year and get revenge as the Eagles miss the explosiveness of Westbrook. Since people keep comparing the WAGs (Wives & Girlfriends) of NY to the WAGs of Philly (Kate Hudson is impressive, but can’t hold a candle to Cole Hamel’s wife, Heidi), I’ll take Eli’s wife over McNabb’s.

Falcons (+10) over SAINTS
This is too many points for a divisional game against a playoff team. Yes, the Falcons have struggled the past few weeks, and yes, the Saints won by 12 last week after spotting the Dolphins a 21-point lead. But the Falcons offense and defense is better than the Dolphins. The Saints are the better team and definitely should win this game at home, but 10 points is a value play to pick the Falcons. I thought that last week when the Falcons were catching 4 from the Cowboys too……..

PACKERS (-3) over Vikings
Aside from my obvious Packer homerism………(and yes, Larry Johnson, I said homerism), the facts are there as well. The Packers will be able to audible in their home stadium, which they couldn’t do in the Metrodome. Ryan Grant has a fire lit under him after the Packers signed Ahman Green to push for carries. The Packers will have their rookie tackle more prepared to slow down Jared Allen (you can’t stop the guy), which should buy Rodgers enough time to find Jennings and Driver flying by the banged up Vikings secondary. And the crowd will affect Brett, and if they can get the cameras to get in close, he’ll probably put on a blubbering show for the television audience. Vikings won’t be able to match the Packers energy throughout the entire game. And if the Packers win, expect this from Brett, "It was fun to come back here but disappointing to lose, and it's just one of 16 and one we wanted to win for the division title." If the Vikings win, expect this accompanied by tears: "It was really great to come back here, the fans are great and I didn't realize how emotional it was going to be." His act will change depending upon the outcome - hopefully the Packers can slow down Peterson and create a couple of Favre turnovers like the Steelers did last week.

Hitting the Links

Cliff Lee was an absolute monster last night. Could he have been any calmer? Dude silenced the Yankee bats with 10 strikeouts, showed complete indifference catching that pop-up, and then grabbed a grounder behind his back just for fun.

Mike Leach is not impressed with the “talent” in Lubbock. And he even went as far as blaming the Red Raiders loss on his team’s “fat little girlfriends.” Awesome. Although judging by this picture, I guess none of the football players are dating anyone from the dance team or the cheerleading squad.

This is a story that puts sports in perspective a little bit – Ryan Clark of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Clark has a blood disorder that attacks his organs at high altitudes. It happened twice in the past, including in 2007, when he had to have his spleen removed and lost 40 pounds after a game in Denver. The Steelers are back in Denver this week. Why would he even consider playing? Even if the doctors clear him, is it really worth the risk?

Is Chase Utley auditioning for a cameo on Vampire Diaries? I mean, I know the whole vampire thing is all the rage right now with True Blood, Vampire Diaries, and the Vampire’s Assistant, but still. What is with the awkward, slicked-back thing he has going on? At first I thought it was just wet, sweaty hair, but seeing him in the cold at Yankees Stadium with that same plastic hair helmet, it’s obvious it’s on purpose. And it’s not good.

The Redskins have banned their “fans” from bringing signs into the stadium. Just another signal that the entire franchise is a mess. Remember the proud maroon and gold franchise when they were winning with Joe Gibbs, John Riggins, Doug Williams, Timmy Smith, Art Monk, Ricky Sanders and Gary Clark? What a fall from grace. If I were a Skins fan, I’d prefer to have a funny sign blocking my view than have to watch Sherm Lewis calling “B-71” and “G-18” instead of football plays.

Seriously – think we’ve taken the whole PC thing a little too far? Penn State is the latest place where people are over-sensitive and ridiculous.

Jimmy Kimmel slapped Sabrina the Teenage Witch around after she got booted from Dancing with the Stars.



I’m not a journalist, and I don’t pretend to be one. But if this is what you cover, do you actually put “journalist” on your resume? Your job is to report on what the First Lady is wearing? Who cares? And what kind of description is “swirly printed?” I’m not saying………… I’m just saying.

It’s a rough time to be a sports fan in Charlotte. The Panthers are going to stick with Jake Delhomme at quarterback despite the fact that he’s thrown 18 INTs in his past 7 games. This guy thinks he should keep his starting job and get a chance at atonement. Really? Wasn’t this season supposed to be his chance to atone for his game against Arizona last year? So at least Charlotte sports fans can turn to the Bobcats for the start of the NBA season. Uh-oh. The Bobcats put up 59 points, an NBA record low for an opening game in the shot clock era, in getting smoked by the Celtics. When does college basketball start??

NFL Power Rankings - 80's Movies

The NBA tipped off last night, the World Series starts tonight, the NFL season is almost at the midway point, and Halloween I this weekend. Halloween - the holiday that gives girls an excuse to dress up as a slutty (fill in the blank). It’s also the holiday when the characters that hang out in the subways and certain parts of Chelsea or Boys Town fit in with the rest of the crowd.

Word on the street is that Philly is trying to come up with a musical act to play before game 3 of the World Series to counteract Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes tonight. Not sure what Philly’s options are……Boyz II Men? Hall & Oates? Can you imagine the crowd getting pumped up to “Maneater” or “Private Eyes”?

Started looking through costume ideas and it seems the hot costumes this year were the stars of the 80’s that died during the year – Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett. So this week’s power rankings are broken into tiers based on the top movies during the 80’s based on worldwide box office sales. Had to leave out some great movies, unfortunately: Beverly Hills Cop, Batman, Crocodile Dundee and Back to the Future II. Without further ado……..

The “Top Gun” Tier
The quintessential movie of the 80’s, these are the top teams in the league. These are the teams that could grab the microphone in any bar and belt out “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and the rest of the bar would join in. They could land Kelly McGillis, and play beach volleyball and not get a grain of sand stuck on them. The movie had a great cast, with Cruise, Kilmer, Edwards, McGillis, Robbins &Meg Ryan – and these teams have great casts.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – A great comeback win over Miami to cement the fact that they can overcome adversity. And now Reggie Bush says he thinks the Saints can go undefeated the entire season. He also said once he wins the NFL MVP award, it will vindicate him against all the negativity he has faced so far in his career. Now we know why he & Kim Kardashian are a good couple – similar intelligence and lack of talent.

2. Colts (2) – They were supposed to destroy the Rams, and they did. They continue to roll through the league with a precision and workman-like approach.

3. Broncos (5) – Coming off their bye, they get another stiff test by going to Baltimore. Something tells me that after the game, they’ll be able to chomp their gum in Ray Lewis’s face and say, “That’s right. Ice….man. I am dangerous.”

4. Steelers (7) – Their defense pulled them through a tough game against the Vikings, and they’ve now won3 straight games after the 1-2 start. The offense is clicking, and the defense has returned to its dominant self from last season. No truth to the rumor that they requested permission to buzz the tower during their bye week.

5. Vikings (3) – The Viking luck finally ran out against the Steelers, and suddenly they look in their rearview mirror and they have a MiG on their tail in the Packers. A loss this week in Green Bay would drop them into a tie for the division lead after their strong start.

6. Patriots (8) – Ho-hum, another week, another terrible team destroyed. This time after a long overnight flight to London. The Pats offense is humming right now, and in no small part because Wes Welker appears to be fully healthy. Bill Belichick is the commander who gets the coffee spilled on him during the fly-by. “Dammit that’s twice! I want some butts!”

The “Rainman” Tier
Proving Tom Cruise was a legend in the 80’s, here’s another of his greatest hits. Like Raymond Babbitt (Dustin Hoffman), these teams are quirky, and have some issues, yet still have the ability to be dominant – like Ray counting the toothpicks in the jar.

7. Bengals (9) – That was the definition of a beat-down that they put on the Bears. Old-school, ran over them, threw over them, and created a ton of turnovers. Now they get a bye week before facing the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.

8. Giants (4) – There are some legit concerns about whether the Giants pumped themselves up with a weak schedule in the first 5 weeks of the year. After their second straight loss to a good team – first in New Orleans, then home against the Cardinals – the questions are starting to get asked about the offense and the defense.

9. Eagles (16) – Probably didn’t deserve this big of a jump after beating the hapless Skins, but they do appear to be on a roll. The only blemish on the week was Westbrook getting the Christ Tucker in “Friday” treatment (“You got knocked the F#ck out!”). We will know a lot more about this team after the Giants game this week. Another Philly-New York battle. The red-headed stepchild teams from Philly match up pretty well with their big brothers in the city. Although this is the Giants first chance for revenge on McNabb for his phone-call-on-the-sidelines antics of the playoffs last year.

The “Return of the Jedi” Tier
There is only one team that fits into this category – The Green Bay Packers. In case you haven’t heard, Brett Favre makes his return to Lambeau on Sunday. And based on what he did the first half of the Jets season last year and thus far with the Vikings, Favre is showing he is more than Mark Hamil – capable of performing in more than one role. The reason this was one of the greatest movies in the decade? Because of the Ewoks. What other movie had those funny, furry little guys for entertainment? And didn’t it seem like the Ewoks and Chewbacca should have been able to communicate better?

10. Packers (11) - The Packers have tuned up by crushing pathetic teams in the Lions and Browns, so they come in ready. Will they be able to block Jared Allen better this time around? If not, Rodgers is going to look like Amy Winehouse again after the game.

The “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial” Tier
This was the #1 movie of the decade. It was a story of a lost alien, and the teams in this category, may not be aliens, but they definitely have bouts of being lost. They have had some “Ouch” moments and they seem to play better at home. They have some flaws, but also have the ability to make the bike fly past the moon at the right time.

11. Cardinals (15) – Well, after they beat down the Giants in the Meadowlands, it appears they found some of that alien power that had taken over their defense during their Super Bowl run last year. The offense is capable, even with a banged up Boldin, and the attacking defense has found a rhythm. They’re now in position to take control of a division that it appeared the 49ers were all over.

12. Cowboys (19) – Romo Pyle and Austin Miles appear to have learned to communicate like Elliot and ET lately. The Cowboys have looked like the team they thought they would be, and beating the Falcons was a very impressive victory. They now get the weak Seahawks at home to continue their hot streak, and continue to build Romo Pyle’s confidence. His play right before the half - dodging, ducking and finally finding Crayton in the endzone was the type of play that raised expectations for him in the first place.

13. Falcons (6) – That was a concerning loss to a Cowboys team that was floundering a little before that game. It was obvious that their banged up secondary is a problem that could keep them from being among the top teams. Huge test this week with the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints can put a strangle hold on the division with a win, and the Falcons can prove they will have staying power like Drew Barrymore after ET.

14. Ravens (13) – Coming off a bye week, they need to right their ship in a bad way, and face a tough Denver team in Baltimore. A chance to prove that they are the team in the beginning of the year, and not the team the past 3 weeks.

15. Jets (14) – Pretty sure Sanchez just cemented his first sponsorship deal with Oscar Mayer. Everyone wanted to know where he got it, but I’m pretty sure Rex keeps a solid stash of hot dogs, Skittles, M&Ms, Cheetos, and Milk Duds nearby at all times. More importantly, the Jets did what almost seemed impossible, making the Raiders actually bench Fatso Russell.

16. Chargers (20) – It’s not overly impressive to slaughter the Chiefs, but they have the talent to play with anyone in the league. It just seems Norv Turner has no ability to fire up his team. Maybe he and his brother Ron (see #19 below) can wait in the unemployment line together during the off-season.

The “Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom” Tier
The second of the Indiana Jones movies – and while Raiders of the Lost Ark was far and away the best of the three movies, this one has the title that’s most appropriate for these teams. Teams that are in the Temple of Doom, with the ability to make the playoffs, but their lack of consistency could be their eventual doom. Is Harrison Ford the greatest actor of all time? I think he has a really strong case for it. The dude was in 2 trilogies that dominated the 80’s, the Tom Clancy movies in the 90’s (Patriot Games, Clear & Present Danger) among other great hits. If you just forget that time when he got an earring and pretended he wasn’t as old as he actually was, it’s been an amazing career.

17. Texans (17) – Well they finally broke out on the upside of .500 and immediately are being questioned whether they can sustain it. Matt Schaub is putting up tremendous numbers, leading the league in TDs (16) and yards (2,074) while being 4th in the league in QB rating (104.4). But even with those stats, would you want him with the ball in his hands when you need a game-winning drive? Schaub might be Warren Moon 2.0.

18. 49ers (10) –What’s the biggest difference between Alex Smith and Michael? Alex Smith is happy to have VD. (that’s Vernon Davis, Hildo). I hope for Smith’s sake that he is able to take this chance at a career rebirth and run with it – otherwise he can take his position among the biggest busts: JaMarcus Russell, Tim Couch, Michael Vick & Scarlett Johansson.

19. Bears (12) – What an embarrassment against the Bengals. Is Lovie Smith going to be on the hotseat? If he doesn’t find a way to be better now that he has his supposed franchise quarterback, he will be. Having the Browns come to town is a nice way to lower the heat on his seat. Ron Turner can't turn down the heat - he's getting fired. He got his QB and has not had success, while his rejects (Orton & Benson) are lighting the league on fire.

20. Jaguars (21) – MJD is the Short Round of the Jags. I wonder if he’s going to accuse the Commissioner of cheating? Did you know Short Round was also in Goonies, and was in 22 episodes of “Head of the Class”?

The “Rambo: First Blood Part II” Tier
These are the teams that are doing battle while short-handed and facing long odds for success. Not sure any of these teams have the ability of John Rambo to pull off the impossible, but the tagline for the movie “What most people call hell, he calls home” is appropriate for all these teams.

21. Dolphins (18) – Team Wildcat put up a valiant fight against the Saints, but will not be able to take the next step with Ted Ginn dropping passes all over the field. The running game continues to be dangerous, with Ricky Williams running like someone stole his pipe.

22. Bills (24) – Are we supposed to be impressed that they beat the Panthers when they had 12 guys on defense and the Panthers only had 10 guys on offense. Wait, Jake Delhomme plays for the Panthers? Could have fooled me……and the Bills.

23. Seahawks (22) – Continuing a trend of playing well when you count them out, but once you build conviction, they match up about as well as Sylvester Stallone next to anyone over 5’4”.

24. Panthers (23) – John Fox is considering benching Delhomme. Considering? Then again, he knows he’s getting canned after the season, so maybe he’s just having some fun and wants to see how many INTs he can throw in one season. It’s the equivalent of lighting the house on fire before Bill Cowher has to come in and try to put out the fire and see if there are any salvageable parts.

The “Ghost Busters” Tier
The movie boasts a power line-up of big name actors and actresses going along with a ridiculous storyline. It’s entertaining because you have a couple of stars like Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis providing funny moments, but overall, it’s not a cinematic masterpiece. There is some talent in this tier (Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Chris Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, etc.), but these teams are a joke. The house has been getting crushed this season because they can’t make the spreads wide enough when these teams play any of the top teams in the league. It means a couple things – we’re going to start seeing some college-football-style 20+ point spreads in the very near future, and the gambling apocalypse is coming. At some point, the underdogs are going to have a week when they cover or win and all of us that continue to pound the favorites are going to get crushed. It’s coming. Be warned.

25. Lions (25) – They remain the tallest midget of this group. Stafford looks like he might be ready to return to the line-up, which should bode well for them to have a chance to cover a couple spreads and steal a couple victories in the second half of the year.

26. Browns (26) – Hard to believe this team is better than 6 other teams. SIX. And this team is horrendous. The Browns have scored 6 or fewer points in 4 of their 7 games – including winning one of those games. Awful, and pretty obvious that the Browns are not going to play Brady Quinn to ensure he doesn’t reach his playing time quota to get a sizeable performance bonus.

27. Raiders (26) – So much for that playoff prediction by Richard Seymour. They finally benched Shamoo Russell, but it’s not like Bruce Gradkowski is exactly a huge upgrade. They are the Lindsay Lohan of the NFL – a total train wreck that somehow continues to stay in the news even though no one really cares any more.

28. Chiefs (29) – Exhibit #356,731 why athletes without any education should be restricted from using Twitter: Larry Johnson. Hey Turner brothers, save a place for LJ in the unemployment line.

29. Titans (28) – Sure LJ, they’ll hold a spot for you right next to Chuck Cecil. And Chuck might be holding a spot for Jeff Fisher, since the Titans owner is now demanding to see why he’s paying Vince Young a boatload of cash. Can Vince have an Alex Smith-like revival of his career? He doesn’t have VD, but he does have a fast Johnson (Chris).

30. Redskins (30) – There really isn’t anything else to say about the most messed up situation in the entire league. They’ve surpassed the Raiders as the biggest circus in the league. If Snyder really wants to produce a winner, he needs to clean house completely and turn it all over to Mike Holmgren or Mike Shanahan. Zorn has effectively become everyone in the Ghost Buster movie that gets slimed.

31. Buccaneers (31) – Maybe its Gozer the Gozerian that is causing the Bucs to be so pathetic. Or maybe it’s a general lack of talent. Might as well start the Josh Freeman Era inTampa because if you’re going to crash, you might as well go down in flames.

32. Rams (32) – Steven Jackson continues to put up 100 yard performances without touchdowns and the team continues to get blown out, week after week, only putting up an average of 8.6 ppg. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re permanent owners of the basement, St. Louis Rams.

Tuesday Ramblings - World Series - Philadelphia, NJ

Interesting take here from Gary D Howard on how to handle Brett Favre’s return to Lambeau this Sunday. I think I agree with him. As much of a d-bag as Favre was as a person on his way out of town, he was the single legend that returned respectability to the team, the franchise, the city and the state for football. He’s the reason Reggie White came to town. So I think he deserves the pre-game cheer when he runs out on to the field. But that’s where it ends, and once the ball is kicked, I’m cheering with all my might for him to be the overly-excited turnover machine he has been in the past.

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So Mark McGwire is going to be a hitting coach? Isn’t that kind of like asking a girl with a boob job to explain a push-up bra? I think this is another case of the arrogance of Tony LaRussa taking over. He is trying to get people to see McGwire as a baseball guy and eventually get him into the Hall of Fame, instead of only remembering his pathetic performance in front of Congress about using steroids – “I’m not here to talk about the past.” The guy is a career .263 hitter, and only hit over .300 twice in full seasons during his 16 year career. And that guy is going to teach guys how to hit? What is he going to teach Albert Pujols? Ridiculous.

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Could ESPN have a more biased team of analysts for the baseball season? Jayson Stark, Peter Pascarelli, Eric Karabell, and John Kruk are such homers for the Phillies, they can’t actually make sane assessments of the matchup between Philly and the Yankees. Stark just hesitated comparing Jorge Posada and Carlos Ruiz. Don’t get me wrong, Ruiz has a knack for coming up with huge hits and might be the Darrell Porter of the past few season, but he is not on the same level as Posada. And I think Posada is a whiny diva biyatch. Kruk claimed that the Phillies line-up was more potent than the Yankees. Really? Better than the Yankees lineup that had 7 guys with more than 20 HRs, all 9 starters with double digits in HRs, the second-highest batting average in baseball, 244 HRs as a team (more than the NL leading 224 the Phils hit), and the highest OBP in the league. It’s not even close, and Kruk showed he must have had his brains in his mullet during the 90’s and when he cut it off to do television analysis, he lost his mind.

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How are you feeling if you’re a Cleveland Indians fan right now? Watching your two former aces facing off in game 1 – CC Sabbathia vs. Cliff Lee. Ouch. Doesn’t seem like that long ago the Indians had a team that looked ready to compete for some time with Grady Sizemore, Jhonny Peralta, Victor Martinez, CC & Lee. Maybe they’re the new Montreal Expos – Pedro Martinez, Delino DeShields, Marquis Grissom, Larry Walker, Moises Alou, Cliff Floyd, Sean Berry, Mel Rojas, Dennis Martinez, Ken Hill, and John Wetteland

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Taking the Yankees in 6 games. Too much Yankee offense, and despite the fact that the Phillies bullpen was good in the NLCS, they are not good. The Phillies are relying on Pedro to keep his magic going and Cole Hammels to not be as awful as he has been during the regular and post season. That’s too many holes to allow a team like the Yankees to exploit. The Phillies were the best team in the NL all season, and deserve to be in the World Series, but they don’t have the talent to keep up.

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So the teams will have a something like 17 off-days during the post-season, after only having 20 off-days during the entire 6-month regular season. That’s a dumb schedule.

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Philly is my most hated city in the entire US. The city is dirty, ugly and not good to visit or spend any time in. And the people are all chubby, greasy, angry, fair-weather fans, and all have a chip on their shoulder. I understand that it’s not fun being the biggest city in New Jersey – I’d be angry too if that was my claim to fame. Oh, wait, their claim to fame is a fake movie about a 5’5” boxer named Rocky. So their baseball success has just made their fans even more insufferable. I hope they get swept just to shut up their fans. As a good friend says, “Philly is a good place to take a dump on your way to a real city.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: I know Philly is not actually in Jersey, but it might as well be – it’s surrounded by Jersey, the people are the same as the worst in Jersey and it smells like the worst of Jersey.

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I think the NBA season starts tonight. I think I’ll put together a season preview piece as soon as the players start to play hard and make an effort. So look for that piece to come out around New Year’s. The biggest stories for the season are what LeBron James and Dwayne Wade are going to do NEXT year, and all the teams that are tanking it to make cap room to try and sign one of those guys.

Oh, and Blake Griffin gets a hairline fracture in his knee 2 days before he’s supposed to make his regular season debut. And he looked extremely impressive and had the potential to keep the Clippers in the playoff hunt. Typical Clippers luck.

And I’m pretty sure that Kevin Durant is the new Dominique Wilkins. A dynamic player that everyone talks about as being under the radar, but he’s under the radar because he doesn’t have the ability to raise the level of play for those around him. Someone has to take shots and score on that pathetic team. Maybe a combination of Wilkins and Shareef Abdur-Rahim.

Week 7 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Umm, sorry Miles Austin. Maybe you are a #1 WR. That’s two straight monster weeks, 4 TDs, and over 400 yards. My bad.

- Watching Adrian Peterson run right through William Gay was impressive. Followed up like 3 plays later with a screen where he makes a slight little juke to the left and leaves a cornerback grasping at air. Power and footwork – no question the best back in the NFL and a special talent.

- A-Rod finally gets to his first World Series. Strange how suddenly, he’s become a media darling. After being torn apart for his phony steroid story, his hip surgery, his public divorce and his penchant for “manly” looking strippers, he’s now become a sympathetic and likeable figure – and it’s not just because he’s now dating Kate Hudson. I guess it just goes to show that winning cures everything. Can his career arc be compared to Britney? Big star coming out of the gate (in Seattle for A-Rod, Baby One More Time for Britney), getting paid and becoming irrelevant (Texas for A-Rod & the next 3 Britney albums), becoming a train wreck that everyone couldn’t stop watching (NY media for A-Rod, Britney shaves her head, etc), and now making a comeback and everyone is rooting for them.

- Cedric Benson has to feel pretty good today. That’s some good revenge on the Bears. 189 yards like a warm knife through butter. Made the Bears look like a complete joke. Just another chapter on why it sucks to be a Bears fan. Benson basically was the outcast who came back to his high school reunion after getting his book published and he had a supermodel on his arm.

- Not sure any team can slow the Saints offense. Down 24-10 at the half, and then exploding for 36 points in the second half while only giving up 10 more points. They look like a complete juggernaut and will be tough to beat before their showdown with the Patriots in week 11.

- Gambling – The Steelers INT return to ensure the cover against the Vikings. Ted Ginn Jr dropping the pass that would have covered against the Saints. The 49ers rallying from 21-0 to get a push at 24-21 on the arm of Alex Smith. I would bet there were quite a few angry gamblers on those games.

HATE

- Favre’s pathetic attempts to get in the way on both HIS fumble that was returned for a TD and HIS interception that cost his team the game were embarrassing. Just falling down doesn’t count as an attempt to make a play. This was the first of games that Brad Childress found a way to lose – throwing the ball 51 times and rushing only 23 times.

- Not surprising, playing defense worse than a little league team did in the Angels. They committed 8 errors in the 6 game series and the only 2 games they didn’t commit an error – they won.

- Maybe the Giants aren’t as good as we thought and padded their record by beating up on the red-headed stepchildren to start the year. 3 picks for Eli contributed to a big win for the Cardinals. Giants don’t seem to have quite the power running game they need/people think they have, Manningham drops a TD late, and they lose a home game that they needed to rebound from the Saints beat down the previous week.

- The bad teams are just so awful in the NFL, it lends to a ton of blow out and boring games. 6 of the 12 games yesterday were decided by more than 28 points, and 10 of the 12 were decided by double-digits. Maybe instead of worrying about sending teams to London, they should contract and combine some of these awful teams and hope they can be competitive.

- Mr. Tomlinson, unfortunately your days as a premiere running back are long gone. It was a heck of a run, and we’ll see you in Canton, but you are no longer feared, intimidating, or even barely effective. You used to be money at the goalline, and have explosiveness. Neither is there any more. At some point, we knew it would end, and it has. Please try to go out classy like Barry Sanders.

- Swine Flu. Seriously – wash your hands. The regular flu kills more than 30,000 people each year. I’m not a doctor, but that seems much higher than what swine flu has done so far. At least we have Obama on the case declaring it an emergency………

Degenerate Friday!! Week 7 Picks

A couple quick links before getting to this week’s picks….

This is a great trivia site to kill tons of time with random useless sports knowledge.

Awesome clip of Brett Myers getting rejected by who I assume is his wife after their NLCS victory – she obviously dislikes the smell of booze or cigars.

The whole Bubble Boy story is just a scary comment on what reality television has done to some people in America. That Heene dude is a complete lunatic and should be locked up, though I’m not sure what’s worse for those kids – to not have their dad around, or to have that nutjob around. And how did he think this would help them get a reality show?

Another .500 week last week, going 7-7, and I just can’t get off the Even Steven fence. So this week, in hopes of getting a big winning week, no tiers, no categories, and no reminiscing about movies, quotes or songs. Just straight picks to take your bookie to the cleaners and buy that even bigger television and faster car. Ah, who am I kidding? Like Ricky Williams and the ganja, I’m just putting the gimmicks aside for a week.

Usual disclaimers……recreational use, home team in CAPS, etc…….

Colts (-13) over RAMS (Craptastic Game of the Week)
They couldn’t have made this spread big enough. The Colts are coming off a bye week and get to play the worst team in the league before an intriguing matchup with the 49ers the following week. Manning puts it in cruise control after the first quarter and lets Addai & Brown clean it up for the rest of the game. Rams can’t score enough points to cover with their pathetic offense.

PANTHERS (-7) over Bills
This might be the worst quarterback matchup in the league with turnover machine Jake Delhomme going up against Harvard kid Ryan Fitzpatrick. Panthers will pound the ball on the ground against the Bills’ league-worst rushing defense, giving up more than 180 yards/game. The first Steve Smith remains an afterthought and won’t be needed to beat the Bills.

Patriots (-14.5) over Buccaneers (in London)
The last two years, the game in London has been a 3 point game, but they haven’t seen a team as bad as the Bucs. Belichick has his team in business mode, which typically leads to destruction and embarrassment for inferior opponents. Unless Brady, Moss and Welker get too distracted Keeley Hazell, this shouldn’t be close.

Packers (-9) over BROWNS
The Browns have covered the past two weeks, but have been ravaged by the flu this week. Add to that their leading tackler being out for the season, and the fact that they still have Derek Anderson at quarterback. Packers handled a poor Lions team last week, and if they can keep Rodgers upright, they should not have a problem winning this game by 2 scores.

Eagles (-7) over REDSKINS
Even if the Redskins cover or win this game, I’ll feel comfortable with picking the Eagles. I’ll always take a team that has something to prove after puking on themselves the previous week (sorry Donovan) over a team that brought in a consultant two weeks ago, and now handed him the play-calling responsibilities and is trying to get their head coach to quit.

CHIEFS (+4.5) over Chargers
Chargers beat the Chiefs by one point in both meetings last year, and Cassell should be able to put some points on the board against the porous Chargers defense. Norv “Mr. Roper” Turner continues to underachieve, and the Chargers have the worst rushing offense in the league, averaging less than 58 yards/game. And LT has missed practice this week either due to the flu or the “f-you for taking me out at the goalline last week” virus.

Jets (-6) over RAIDERS
This is one of the toughest games to pick this week because no one knows which team will show up on either sideline. The Jets that rolled through the first 3 games this year with limited turnovers and stout defense or the team that stunk the past 3 weeks? The Raiders that looked competitive in week 1 and stumped the Eagles last week or the team that looked like a mess in between? Now that Coach Cable isn’t going to be arrested for assault, the Raiders can just play football. Unfortunately, they still have JaMarcus Russell at QB and that’s enough to tilt it to the Jets.

GIANTS (-7) over Cardinals
Traditionally the Cardinals coming east have fared about as well as Tupac making a trip to New York. But this is a night game, so the time change should be muffled. The Cards seem to have found some of their groove from last year, and with the Giants secondary banged up, they should put points on the board. However, the Giants have something to prove after getting lit up last week by the Saints, and playing at home will help them rebound big.

49ers (+3) over TEXANS
Follow the pattern with the Texans this year: Loss, Win, Loss, Win, Loss, Win. That means this is the week for a loss, which has to make Gary Kubiak feel like he’s sitting in a hillbilly hottub. 49ers have had two weeks to prepare to slow down the NFL leader in TDs, Matt Schaub. Crabtree will start and it won’t take much to be the most dangerous WR for the Niners.

Saints (-6) over DOLPHINS
The trendy pick is the Dolphins because they’re coming off a bye and the wildcat will run through the Saints defense. However, the Dolphins defense is going to get lit up like Pat Summerall in the announcing booth with John Madden. Remember how the Colts handled the Dolphins while barely possessing the ball, winning by 4? The Saints offense is more potent than the Colts and the Saints defense is better than the Colts. Saints roll ‘em up like Ricky Williams in the off-season.

Bears (+1) over BENGALS
The Bengals can’t handle success. They’re the Jessica Simpson of the NFL – as soon as they get a boyfriend and some fans and start to convince you that they have figured things out, they turn around and get a little too comfortable, stop trying and eventually prove that they are still unpredictable and completely crazy. Cedric Benson has something to prove against his former team, but the Bears will be ready and without Antwan Odom, the Bengals won’t be able to stop Cutler and Forte.

Falcons (+4) over COWBOYS (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
The logic for the Cowboys is that they’re coming off a bye (league average is 53% winners coming off their byes), are at home, and the Falcons are coming off a night game. Wade Phillips is 5-2 in his career coming off byes, which doesn’t compare to Andy Reid’s 11-0, but is impressive. Yet, the bottom line is that the Cowboys aren’t that good. Do we really believe Miles Austin is a #1 WR after one game – against the 1-5 Chiefs!?!?? Ryan and the Falcons are the best value of the week.

STEELERS (-4.5) over Vikings
Steelers have become a dominant passing team and the Vikings secondary got lit up by Joe Flacco before Antoine Wingfield was injured. Vikings needed a lucky break last week against the Ravens and barely squeeked by the 49ers two weeks earlier. Going into Pittsburgh against the defending champs is a tough order for anyone, and Peterson will find tough sledding against the Steelers defense that is allowing the second-fewest yards per game on the ground.

Why It Must Suck To Be A Bears Fan

It is not debatable that it sucks to be a Bears fan. It is only debatable WHY it sucks to be a Bears fan. The football team in the city of broad shoulders has not excelled at the sport where broad shoulders should come in extremely useful.

So this is why it sucks to be a Bears fan…….

I. The Fan Base

First and foremost, it sucks to be a Bears fan because you are lumped together with the overweight, sausage-eating, baker’s-dozen-heart-attack-having, Ditka-loving group from Saturday Night Live. Talking about da bears and dem guys dat can’t win dat game against dat udder team. It’s not a pretty sight to see the passionate fans of Chicago watching their team come up short time and time again. And the fans are passionate, because let’s be honest, what else do they have to cheer for? The Cubs? Yeah, that “curse” from 1908 isn’t going to end anytime soon for the loveable losers that fill the stands with people who don’t know anything about baseball, but know that they want to be seen at the game. Oh, and they just declared bankruptcy, so do you really expect them to improve any time soon? No. The Bulls? Ever since Jerry Krause ran Jordan out of town, the team has been a laughing stock. Oh, and that was more than 10 years ago the last time the Bulls were relevant. The White Sox? Please. There are only a dozen people that know the White Sox play in Chicago and 2 of them are still on probation from their booze-fueled attack on the Royals first base coach a few seasons ago. The Blackhawks? They have a great, rich tradition of success, but no one outside of Canada cares about a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters.” So the fans in Chicago have no choice but to have blind faith and hope for the Bears success.

II. The Ownership/Management

The McCaskey family controls about 80% of the team, and I don’t think you can question their passion for the team and for football. Unfortunately, the problem has been with hiring poor personnel people and messing up the roster. The McCaskeys hired Jerry Angelo as the GM in 2001, yet their coach at the time, Dick Jauron, had in his contract that he would get final personnel power, so their GM essentially had no authority. That’s like having Barney Fife as your town sherriff and replacing him with Aunt Bea!! Amazingly, that didn’t work out well, and Jauron was eventually fired in 2003. The personnel decisions from Angelo have been horrendous. Free agency and trades haven’t treated the Bears well, bringing in Brian Griese, giving up a draft pick for John Tait, and giving away Thomas Jones. The same Thomas Jones who led the AFC in rushing last year, and is 5th this year. And it’s not pretty looking at the first round picks since 2001: David Terrell, Marc Columbo, Rex Grossman, Michael Haynes, Tommie Harris, Cedric Benson, Greg Olsen and Chris Williams. He gave up Thomas Jones to give the job to Cedric Benson who was eventually cut before resurfacing with the Bengals, and is now 3rd in the league in rushing. Is there such thing as a Reverse King Midas? Jerry Angelo might be King Turd – everything he touches turns to a turd until they are out from under the Bears’ grip. Oh, and then there’s Kyle Orton……..

III. The Quarterback

Speaking of Kyle Orton, it deserves its own section. The Quarterback of the Chicago Bears, it doesn’t sound that complicated. Play caretaker for a team with a good defense and a predisposition to run the ball. Yet the Bears have not found a quarterback since Sid Luckman – and he retired in 1950. Yes, Jim McMahon won a Super Bowl in 1986, but he was not the key to that team like Walter Payton and the defense were. Fans want to have a quarterback to see as the face of the franchise. Bears fans have had the following guys as their quarterbacks: Mike Tomczak, Jim Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Eric Kramer, Steve Walsh, Dave Krieg, Rick Mirer, Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, Brian Griese, and finally Jay Cutler. I’ll take “Quarterbacks I will always bet against and will win much more than I will lose” for a million, Alex. The Bears threw in Kyle Orton along with first round draft picks to get Jay Cutler, and all Orton has done is lead the Broncos to a perfect 6-0 start with a passer rating over 100, good for 8th in the league.

I mean, Jay Cutler just signed a two-year contract extension yesterday. That’s a sign of how bad it’s been for the Bears quarterbacks. Five games, 10 TDs, 7 INTs and a rating under 87.0, and yet that is far and away better than anything they’ve seen before, so they wanted to lock him up as soon as possible. Your kid only got in a fender-bender during his first 5 weeks with his license and didn’t total the car, so you might as well upgrade him to a Bentley.

IV. Lack of Success

And finally, the biggest reason it sucks to be a Bears fan is that the Bears suck. They won the Super Bowl in 1986 (after the 1985 season), and since then, made one flukey trip in 2006, where they were demolished by the Colts. The Bears fans still rely upon that 1985/6 team for an identity, and idolized Coach Ditka, Walter Payton, Mike Singletary, and Richard Dent so much that they have failed to realize how poor the team has been in the past 20+ years. Oh, and Ditka is from Pennsylvania, not Chicago. The Bears are 5-9 in the playoffs since winning that lone Super Bowl, and have only won their division 3 times since 1991. The Monsters of the Midway are about as intimidating as the Baby Muppets. Even Paris Hilton realized that the Bears suck, and dumped Brian Urlacher because she couldn’t date someone that was more overrated than her.

Week 6 NFL Power Rankings

No intros or stories, so let’s get right to the rankings. We saw some upsets this week and one complete slaughtering in the NFL, so there has been some shake up in the rankings. In honor of the passing of Captain Lou Albano last week, I decided to assign the teams pro wrestlers from the old WWF. I only went with guys back before it was renamed the WWE, and before the recharging during the late 90’s with guys like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker or Mankind. I stuck with pure 80’s and early 90’s guys. Those were the guys that I had about 40 of the 6” high rubber figures, and the strange thumb-wrestling toys where you stuck your thumb in the middle of their back.


1. Saints (last week: 3) – Hulk Hogan
The greatest wrestler of all time goes to the best team in the league. The Saints smacked the Giants around in the Big Easy to cement their place as the best team in the league. The Saints first playoff appearance in franchise history came in 1987, the same year I saw Hulk wrestle in person from the front row and caught his famed “Hulkamania” shirt that he threw into the crowd. Sometimes you see the VH-1 show and his hot but extremely tall and solidly built daughter trying to have a music career and you forget what a superstar he was in the 80's.

2. Colts (2) – Ultimate Warrior
Peyton Manning is the Ultimate Warrior and I just hope he is taking less steroids than the wrestler. And if Peyton did decide to paint a mask on his face, he would have a pretty big surface area on his forehead to get creative with. And I’m pretty sure he won’t even need the Warrior Press Slam this week against the Rams.

3. Vikings (4) – Hillbilly Jim
In honor of the country bumpkin persona that Brett Favre likes to play in front of the media. Second time in three weeks the Vikings have gotten away with a win they should have lost. Yet they have found a way to win and as long as Favre keeps up, they have an extremely dangerous offense and stout defense.

4. Giants (1) – Junkyard Dog
The G-men are the junkyard dogs of the league. Scrappy team without many real superstars and fights through injuries. Got their lunches eaten by the Saints last week, and the question is whether their 5-0 start was a product of a JV schedule.

5. Broncos (5) – Big John Studd
Josh McDaniels is proving to be the biggest stud from the Bill Belichick coaching tree. Although I’m not sure he could grow the beard to match Big John Studd – he would look sweet with that long mullet.

6. Falcons (6) – Randy “Macho Man” Savage
Ooooooh, yeah!! Matt Ryan is the Macho Man, and while I have no idea if he’s got someone as talented as Miss Elizabeth in his corner, he has taken the step to the elite QB level. Last week he gave Jay Cutler the flying elbow drop off the top rope.

7. Steelers (13) – Big Boss Man
Big Ben is the Big Boss Man as the Steelers have officially transformed from a running team to a passing team, relying on Ben’s arm. Ben took the night stick to the Browns this week and faces a much tougher test with the Vikings this week. Polamalu does not appear to be fully back, but will likely try to gut it out.

8. Patriots (11) – “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair
The ultimate bad guy or heel, Ric Flair “Whoooo!”’d his way to superstardom for a long, extended career, using the complicated figure four leg-lock as his finishing move. A perfect comparison to Bill Belichick, the biggest heel in the league with a complex offense that appears to be rounding into perfect form.

9. Bengals (8) – Rowdy Roddy Piper
You never knew what you were going to get with Piper – a good guy, a heel, a talk show, or just crazy talk. Well, it’s pretty much the same thing with Chad Ochocinco and the Bengals. Just when you think they’ve arrived, they lose to the Texans.

10. 49ers (14) – George “The Animal” Steele
Can’t you see Mike Singletary losing his mind and eating a turnbuckle?

11. Packers (15) – Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
The Packers could use The Barber’s garden sheers to cut their entire offensive line if they don’t get better quickly. Shutting out the Lions looked good on paper, but there were many red zone trips that ended in field goals and the running game is almost non-existent.

12. Bears (10) – Jesse “The Body” Ventura
Jay Cutler has the body and the arm of a pro bowl QB in the NFL. Unfortunately, he has the mental make-up of a politician. He’s enough to keep the Bears close, but with their poor running game and average defense, they will struggle to beat good teams. Well at least Cutler can run for governor of Minnesota when he retires.

13. Ravens (12) – Animal & Hawk, “The Legion of Doom” or “The Road Warriors”
Well the Ravens Legion of Doom defense has lost its spikes on its shoulder pads lately because their secondary has been lit up more than John Daly at the Miami clubs.

14. Jets (9) – Fatu/The Sultan/Rikishi
Similar in stature to the fiery Jets coach, and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want Rikishi or Rex to give you “stinkface” finishing move. Rex needs to lean on his running game and not force things with his rookie QB who has looked like he just got a stinkface during their 3 game losing streak.

15. Cardinals (19) – Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Superfly was a high-flying aerial wrestler who was in his 40’s when he was in his WWF prime during the 1980’s. Kurt Warner continues to impress with his aerial skills as he nears 40 with the Cardinals. Let’s hope that Kurt never dons those crazy tiger-striped shorts.

16. Eagles (7) – King Kong Bundy
I’m not sure who’s rounder, King Kong Bundy or Andy Reid. And I’m not sure who’s more of a big fat heel, Bundy or the Eagles for losing to the hapless Raiders. They Eagles are the week’s biggest fall as a result of that embarrassing showing.

17. Texans (22) – Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff
I really have no reason for the connection between the team and the wrestler. Orndorff was actually a college football player, but didn’t make it in the NFL because he failed physicals after being drafted in the 12th round. He was a major part of feuds with Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy, yet never was the main character. The Texans seem to be in the mix, but never consistent enough to be a key player.

18. Dolphins (18) – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
The Dolphins have used a wacky approach to get themselves back into the fringe of the playoff picture. Hacksaw used a wacky approach of marching around the ring, swinging a 2x4, and giving a thumbs up while screaming “Hooooooooooo!” Little known fact, Duggan was the first ever winner of a Royal Rumble match in 1988.

19. Cowboys (17) – “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase
The Cowboys spent billions of dollars to build their new stadium, but unfortunately they still have a bumbling coach and Romo Pyle at quarterback. Yet they were the only NFC East team not to lose last week….because they were the only team not to play.

20. Chargers (16) – Tito Santana
The Chargers have not been able to give a flying burrito to anyone this year. Tremendous underachieving team that should be a ton better than they have been. Maybe it’s just hard to focus when you’re living in the southern California weather and would rather spend time on the beach.

21. Jaguars (21) – Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Maurice Jones-Drew continues to be the hammer for Team Hyphen and they continue to be a mixed bag of results. A generally boring wrestler yet he seemed to be a part of some pretty big story lines when he teamed up with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.

22. Seahawks (20) – Koko B. Ware
Right there with the Chargers, Jaguars and Texans, they are completely baffle me on a weekly basis. They have colorful uniforms and are named after a bird, so they remind me of the colorful Koko B. Ware and his bird, Frankie.

23. Panthers (24) – British Bulldogs – Davey Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid
The Panthers found their dynamic 1-2 punch in the running game last week with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart. The Bulldogs had their pet dog that they brought to the ring with them, and the Panthers have their moody little pet in Steve Smith who is getting more and more frustrated by the week.

24. Bills (28) – Classy Freddie Blassie
No one questions Dick Jauron’s class, but he runs a dinosaur offense that is incapable of real success in the NFL any more.

25. Lions (23) – “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels
The Lions continue to make minor progress and are tremendously better than they were a year ago, despite their record barely budging. However, they continue to face heartbreak by having their QB and WR miss time with injuries, ensuring that they won’t be using the Sweet Chin Music finishing kick until those guys are healthy.

26. Raiders (31) – Bam Bam Bigelow
They somehow managed to jump up and bite the Eagles this week, proving that there is some talent on the team. And the fact that Louis Murphy threw 2 key blocks on Zach Miller’s 80 yard TD proves the team hasn’t given up. But they still have a big fat heel in Bam Bam Bigelow playing QB, which limits their upside. Do you think he tattooed his head to look kind of like hair once he became a wrestler, or did he tattoo his head and then realize that the only thing he could do was be a wrestler?

27. Browns (27) – Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Think Mangini wishes he was the former Belichick assistant that Bill still respects and is successful? Think Brady Quinn wishes he was able to get himself out of town like Braylon Edwards did? Maybe Quinn should go punch someone from Zydrunas Ilgauskas’s posse to expedite a trade.

28. Titans (26) – Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart
Jeff Fisher strangely resembles Hart with the mustache and mullet. Though he won’t need a megaphone if he gets canned in the offseason, he might want those shades to not have to watch Vince Young take over at QB.

29. Chiefs (29) – “Ravishing” Rick Rude
The perfect picture of steroid use and a white guy’s gerry-curl, Rude was a heel in the stable of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. No real reason to link them to the Chiefs, who finally got their first win by beating the Redskins……the same way the Lions and Panthers did already this year.

30. Redskins (25) – The Iron Shiek
The ultimate heel in wrestling, with his pointy, curled boots and Middle Eastern background, the Iron Shiek held the WWF World Championship belt until losing it to Hulk Hogan in 1983 in what was billed as the birth of “Hulkamania.” He also had a great finishing move with the “Camel Clutch.” The Redskins are the east coast version of the Raiders and their entire franchise is a mess.

31. Buccaneers (30) – Sergeant Slaughter
The Buccaneers continue to get slaughtered by everyone in the league and have a legit shot at going winless this year.

32. Rams (32) – “Iron” Mike Sharpe
Not many people probably remember Mike Sharpe, and no one is going to remember the 2009 Rams unless they go winless. The only reason I remember Mike Sharpe was that he was the guy who got his tail kicked in by Hulk Hogan at the 1987 match I saw live. He was the guy that everyone beat up on, much like the Rams.