NFL Power Rankings - Week 1

Riding the subway in New York is brutal in the summer because if the air underground isn’t disgusting and stale to begin with, the heat adds an extra layer of stank to it. On top of that, you add the overcrowded nature of rush hour and sprinkle in a solid mix of homeless people and you have a pretty nasty cocktail. The other day I’m minding my own business on my way home, listening to my iPod when I catch this mangy dude stumbling through the train and I assume he’s begging for change. I typically enjoy hearing some of the more creative signs and requests from the panhandlers, like outside of dinner last night when a guy said he needed 50 cents to fix the rotary engine on his helicopter. That’s a good effort. The guy on the subway wasn’t actually begging, but instead he was hoping to sell something: Batteries. He’s walking through the train with an open package of batteries yelling “Double-A’s, triple-A’s, C’s & D’s – I got your batteries right here - $1 for a battery.” Who needs batteries while they’re on the subway? Not to mention they likely are used/dead batteries that he’s selling. Everyone on the train is using an iPod, iPhone, blackberry, kindle or reading the paper. None of those activities require Duracells.

So how does this relate to the NFL Power Rankings after the opening weekend? It probably doesn’t, but it made me think that while I don’t want to overreact to week 1 results, I have to stay with the times and not continue to proclaim that the teams at the top will remain at the top. It also reminded me of the days back when people used to use those big clunky Discman to play CD’s while working out and you had to be careful not to make the CD skip constantly. Well the Discman was released in 1984, so this week’s rankings are broken out by some of the top movies from that year.

The Terminator

1 – New Orleans

The Saints are the kings until someone knocks them off. They proved that they could win a game on defense by handling the Vikings when their offense wasn’t clicking. They have a very tough road test on Monday night to maintain the top spot.

2 – New England

The Patriots were the cold, destroying terminators in week 1, laying the smack down on the Bengals. They scored the most points in the league and despite the final score, their young defense shut down the Bengals early. Tom Brady had a helluva ride last week, getting in a significant car accident but escaping injury, signing a huge contract extension, lighting up the Bengals and all the while getting to come home to Gisele every night. I’d say that’s winning at life.

3 – Green Bay

Losing Ryan Grant is a significant blow for the Packers, and if GM Ted Thompson wasn’t so opposed to free agency or trades, they may have been able to add someone like Laurence Maroney (only cost the Broncos a 4^th rounder), Marshawn Lynch, or Willie Parker. Instead they signed someone off a practice squad. If the running game struggles, you will see a return of the “Ted Thompson Ruined My Christmas” t-shirts.

4 – Baltimore

Ray Lewis remains the baddest terminator in the league. That hit he laid on Dustin Keller was textbook and I’m pretty sure if he hit me like that, I would be dead. Not in the figurative sense – they would have to peel me off the turf and just take me right to the cemetery. The Ravens difficult schedule continues with another road game, this time at Cincinnatti where Palmer, Ochocinco and Owens will test their banged up secondary more than Mark Sanchez did.

5 – Pittsburgh

Don’t look now, but if Troy Palomalu stays healthy, the Steelers defense could return to its dominant form and it won’t matter who lines up under center.

Ghost Busters

6 – Houston

The Texans were finally able to rid themselves of their own personal Slimer – the ghost of the Indianapolis Colts. They also could have quoted Bill Murray’s Dr. Venkman character: “We came. We saw. We kicked it’s @ss!!” Unfortunately all a week 1 win does is secure they won’t have a winless season. The Texans haven’t had problems early in the season as much as they have had problems when they really have to win. But for now, they have a dominant running game, a passing game that wasn’t needed, and an aggressive defense. That’s enough for a top 6 position to me.

7 – Indianapolis

On the other end of the spectrum are the Colts. With their defense suddenly looking like more of a liability than planned and Bob Sanders likely out for the year, there are some real concerns in Indy. I’m not sure a visit from the underachieving but talented Giants running game is the cure.

The Natural

8 – Tennessee

Chris Johnson is a natural when it comes to running the football. I saw on halftime of the Monday night game that they clocked him at 22 mph during his 76 yard touchdown on Sunday. Like Robert Redford knocked the cover off the ball, Johnson can run the cleats off his shoes.

Romancing the Stone

9 – Minnesota

Brett Favre and Brad Childress are about as annoying as Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. In reality, since this is their second act together, maybe they should be connected to the sequel, The Jewel of the Nile, but that movie came out in 1985. While losing to the Saints isn’t a disgrace, the lack of passion, energy and life from Old Man Favre is a definite concern.

10 – New York Giants

There’s just something about Big Blue that I can’t get behind this year. They are about as exciting as a stone. Good enough to beat the bad teams (like Carolina) but will struggle against better competition (like Indy this week).

Beverly Hills Cop

11 – New York Jets

This whole tier of teams fits into the Eddie Murphy quote: “You arresting me for getting thrown out a window?” And while the media gnashes its teeth about the way the team treated Ines Sainz, the team should be spending more time trying to figure out how wonderboy Mark Sanchez went from looking as good as Ms. Sainz to looking like George Lopez during the off-season.

12 – Dallas

The Cowboys offense struggled mightily despite the presence of all those weapons. Is that a credit to Washington’s defense? Possibly. But more likely, the Cowboys have to put it all together, shore up their offensive line play and only then can they even imagine playing a home game in the Super Bowl.

13 – San Diego

While not part of the movie, it seems like San Diego used another Eddie Murphy line from his stand up routine: “I’ll take the zero” (look up the routine about having a boner in class and getting called upon to come to the front of the class). The Chargers took the zero in the rain against a young and feisty Chiefs team.

14 – Atlanta

Maybe the Falcons aren’t ready for prime time after all. I do believe that the Steelers defense can be an elite unit, but to only manage field goals is unacceptable from an offense with Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. So I am arresting them for falling out the window.

15 – Cincinnati

The Bengals got thrown out the window by the Patriots and they have the foot prints on their rear ends to prove it. They better buckle down at home against the Ravens or the season could disintegrate quickly.

Karate Kid

16 – Washington

I’m not sure how long the Redskins will stay in the upper half of the league, but after beating the Cowboys, they’ve earned this spot. They are the upstart who beat the fancy dressed, fancy trained rich kids with a controlled and disciplined game.

17 – Seattle

The Seahawks bought into Pete Carroll and Cheerleader Carroll used “the Crane” to kick the snot out of the 49ers in week one. I fear that his act grows thin quickly, but for now, they deserve this ranking, probably 10 spots higher than I would have had them before the season started.

Gremlins

18 – Philadelphia

Andy Reid had his nice fuzzy little mogwai in Kevin Kolb, but unfortunately he exposed him to water (aka the Packers defense) and it spawned a gremlin of a quarterback controversy. Michael Vick looked back to his old speed against Green Bay and after he leads the Eagles to a victory over the Lions, the team is going to have a hard time stomaching a move back to Kolb. Kolb looked timid, weak-armed and scared before Clay Matthews knocked him out of the game.

19 – Arizona

Kurt Warner’s retirement spawned a whole mess of gremlins in the desert, first with Matt Leinart and now with Derek Anderson. While Anderson’s numbers looked respectable at the end of the game, he still has accuracy problems and the Cards barely held off the lowly Rams. This may be the highest the Cards get ranked all season.

Sixteen Candles

20 – Kansas City

The Chiefs pulled off a great upset against the Chargers riding the youth movement with rookies Dexter McCluster, Tony Moeaki and young running back Jamaal Charles. They came of age a little in the Monday night game, so I guess that makes Matt Cassell equal to Molly Ringwald?

Splash

21 – San Francisco

Not only did the 49ers make a terrible splash with their pathetic performance at Seattle, they also have a lot in common with Darryl Hannah. Both were huge in the 80’s and both are liked for some strange reason I can’t understand. No matter how intense Coach Singletary stares at his players, the 49ers cannot be successful with the poor communication between their offensive coordinator and the quarterback that plagued them in week 1.

Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom

22 – Miami

The Dolphins get credit for winning, but there is doom ahead because their offense was stagnant against a poor Bills defense. That huge stone that is chasing Indiana Jones – that’s the Patriots about to run down the Dolphins.

23 – Jacksonville

This is another team that won, but in unconvincing fashion against an inferior opponent.

24 – Carolina

Boy am I glad that Carolina got rid of that turnover machine in Jake Delhomme and got a conservative game manager like Matt Moore because he won’t turn the ball over……wait, nevermind. Moore basically melted in the bad weather and Giants pressure like the bad guy’s faces at the end of Indiana Jones.

25 – Oakland

Oakland reminds me of the scene in the movie where the bad guy stops Indiana Jones in the market and starts to wave his big sword all over the place in a huge display of power. Indy calmly pulls out his pistol and shoots the guy. Well the Raiders had me convinced with their big sword trade of Jason Campbell and maturing wide receivers. The Titans pulled out the pistol in week 1.

26 – Detroit

No need to rehash it – the Lions were robbed by a terrible rule. And that’s why they are ranked higher than the Bears despite losing to them. Even though they lost Mattew Stafford and will likely plummet after this week, they get a bump for the effort in week 1.

Nightmare on Elm Street

27 – Chicago

Yes, Jay Cutler threw for a lot of yards, but he’s still a turnover machine and will be a nightmare for Chicago’s playoff chances.

28 – Denver

What was more overhyped? Tim Tebow’s debut or the ridiculous Bachelor spin-off, Bachelor Pad? Tebow was a non-factor and Bachelor Pad was just a pairing up of sluts with meatheats.

29 – Tampa Bay

They are the second team in this tier that won last week, but the team they beat was barely better than Notre Dame. Raheem Morris has some potential on this team, but Bucs fans wish they could just sleep away the season.

30 – St. Louis

The Rams showed a considerable amount of spunk against the Cardinals and Sam Bradford looks like he has the skills to be a franchise QB. Unfortunately they will not win many games if they have to throw it 55 times a game and only give Steven Jackson 22 carries.

31 – Cleveland

Well that didn’t last long. Did we really expect the Jake Delhomme experiment to work with the Browns? Do you really expect Jennifer Lopez to be anything other than a monster pain in the ass as a judge on American Idol? Do you really expect Jenn Brown to be famous for her sideline reporting or her looks?

32 – Buffalo

If Packers GM Ted Thompson wasn’t so opposed to trading, the smart move would be to tell Buffalo RB Marshawn Lynch to bring a few extra bags with him to Green Bay this weekend. Instead Lynch will have to continue to suffer through a rough season while his former Cal teammate quarterbacks a contender without much of a running game.

NFL Power Rankings - 80's Movies

The NBA tipped off last night, the World Series starts tonight, the NFL season is almost at the midway point, and Halloween I this weekend. Halloween - the holiday that gives girls an excuse to dress up as a slutty (fill in the blank). It’s also the holiday when the characters that hang out in the subways and certain parts of Chelsea or Boys Town fit in with the rest of the crowd.

Word on the street is that Philly is trying to come up with a musical act to play before game 3 of the World Series to counteract Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes tonight. Not sure what Philly’s options are……Boyz II Men? Hall & Oates? Can you imagine the crowd getting pumped up to “Maneater” or “Private Eyes”?

Started looking through costume ideas and it seems the hot costumes this year were the stars of the 80’s that died during the year – Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Farrah Fawcett. So this week’s power rankings are broken into tiers based on the top movies during the 80’s based on worldwide box office sales. Had to leave out some great movies, unfortunately: Beverly Hills Cop, Batman, Crocodile Dundee and Back to the Future II. Without further ado……..

The “Top Gun” Tier
The quintessential movie of the 80’s, these are the top teams in the league. These are the teams that could grab the microphone in any bar and belt out “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and the rest of the bar would join in. They could land Kelly McGillis, and play beach volleyball and not get a grain of sand stuck on them. The movie had a great cast, with Cruise, Kilmer, Edwards, McGillis, Robbins &Meg Ryan – and these teams have great casts.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – A great comeback win over Miami to cement the fact that they can overcome adversity. And now Reggie Bush says he thinks the Saints can go undefeated the entire season. He also said once he wins the NFL MVP award, it will vindicate him against all the negativity he has faced so far in his career. Now we know why he & Kim Kardashian are a good couple – similar intelligence and lack of talent.

2. Colts (2) – They were supposed to destroy the Rams, and they did. They continue to roll through the league with a precision and workman-like approach.

3. Broncos (5) – Coming off their bye, they get another stiff test by going to Baltimore. Something tells me that after the game, they’ll be able to chomp their gum in Ray Lewis’s face and say, “That’s right. Ice….man. I am dangerous.”

4. Steelers (7) – Their defense pulled them through a tough game against the Vikings, and they’ve now won3 straight games after the 1-2 start. The offense is clicking, and the defense has returned to its dominant self from last season. No truth to the rumor that they requested permission to buzz the tower during their bye week.

5. Vikings (3) – The Viking luck finally ran out against the Steelers, and suddenly they look in their rearview mirror and they have a MiG on their tail in the Packers. A loss this week in Green Bay would drop them into a tie for the division lead after their strong start.

6. Patriots (8) – Ho-hum, another week, another terrible team destroyed. This time after a long overnight flight to London. The Pats offense is humming right now, and in no small part because Wes Welker appears to be fully healthy. Bill Belichick is the commander who gets the coffee spilled on him during the fly-by. “Dammit that’s twice! I want some butts!”

The “Rainman” Tier
Proving Tom Cruise was a legend in the 80’s, here’s another of his greatest hits. Like Raymond Babbitt (Dustin Hoffman), these teams are quirky, and have some issues, yet still have the ability to be dominant – like Ray counting the toothpicks in the jar.

7. Bengals (9) – That was the definition of a beat-down that they put on the Bears. Old-school, ran over them, threw over them, and created a ton of turnovers. Now they get a bye week before facing the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.

8. Giants (4) – There are some legit concerns about whether the Giants pumped themselves up with a weak schedule in the first 5 weeks of the year. After their second straight loss to a good team – first in New Orleans, then home against the Cardinals – the questions are starting to get asked about the offense and the defense.

9. Eagles (16) – Probably didn’t deserve this big of a jump after beating the hapless Skins, but they do appear to be on a roll. The only blemish on the week was Westbrook getting the Christ Tucker in “Friday” treatment (“You got knocked the F#ck out!”). We will know a lot more about this team after the Giants game this week. Another Philly-New York battle. The red-headed stepchild teams from Philly match up pretty well with their big brothers in the city. Although this is the Giants first chance for revenge on McNabb for his phone-call-on-the-sidelines antics of the playoffs last year.

The “Return of the Jedi” Tier
There is only one team that fits into this category – The Green Bay Packers. In case you haven’t heard, Brett Favre makes his return to Lambeau on Sunday. And based on what he did the first half of the Jets season last year and thus far with the Vikings, Favre is showing he is more than Mark Hamil – capable of performing in more than one role. The reason this was one of the greatest movies in the decade? Because of the Ewoks. What other movie had those funny, furry little guys for entertainment? And didn’t it seem like the Ewoks and Chewbacca should have been able to communicate better?

10. Packers (11) - The Packers have tuned up by crushing pathetic teams in the Lions and Browns, so they come in ready. Will they be able to block Jared Allen better this time around? If not, Rodgers is going to look like Amy Winehouse again after the game.

The “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial” Tier
This was the #1 movie of the decade. It was a story of a lost alien, and the teams in this category, may not be aliens, but they definitely have bouts of being lost. They have had some “Ouch” moments and they seem to play better at home. They have some flaws, but also have the ability to make the bike fly past the moon at the right time.

11. Cardinals (15) – Well, after they beat down the Giants in the Meadowlands, it appears they found some of that alien power that had taken over their defense during their Super Bowl run last year. The offense is capable, even with a banged up Boldin, and the attacking defense has found a rhythm. They’re now in position to take control of a division that it appeared the 49ers were all over.

12. Cowboys (19) – Romo Pyle and Austin Miles appear to have learned to communicate like Elliot and ET lately. The Cowboys have looked like the team they thought they would be, and beating the Falcons was a very impressive victory. They now get the weak Seahawks at home to continue their hot streak, and continue to build Romo Pyle’s confidence. His play right before the half - dodging, ducking and finally finding Crayton in the endzone was the type of play that raised expectations for him in the first place.

13. Falcons (6) – That was a concerning loss to a Cowboys team that was floundering a little before that game. It was obvious that their banged up secondary is a problem that could keep them from being among the top teams. Huge test this week with the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints can put a strangle hold on the division with a win, and the Falcons can prove they will have staying power like Drew Barrymore after ET.

14. Ravens (13) – Coming off a bye week, they need to right their ship in a bad way, and face a tough Denver team in Baltimore. A chance to prove that they are the team in the beginning of the year, and not the team the past 3 weeks.

15. Jets (14) – Pretty sure Sanchez just cemented his first sponsorship deal with Oscar Mayer. Everyone wanted to know where he got it, but I’m pretty sure Rex keeps a solid stash of hot dogs, Skittles, M&Ms, Cheetos, and Milk Duds nearby at all times. More importantly, the Jets did what almost seemed impossible, making the Raiders actually bench Fatso Russell.

16. Chargers (20) – It’s not overly impressive to slaughter the Chiefs, but they have the talent to play with anyone in the league. It just seems Norv Turner has no ability to fire up his team. Maybe he and his brother Ron (see #19 below) can wait in the unemployment line together during the off-season.

The “Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom” Tier
The second of the Indiana Jones movies – and while Raiders of the Lost Ark was far and away the best of the three movies, this one has the title that’s most appropriate for these teams. Teams that are in the Temple of Doom, with the ability to make the playoffs, but their lack of consistency could be their eventual doom. Is Harrison Ford the greatest actor of all time? I think he has a really strong case for it. The dude was in 2 trilogies that dominated the 80’s, the Tom Clancy movies in the 90’s (Patriot Games, Clear & Present Danger) among other great hits. If you just forget that time when he got an earring and pretended he wasn’t as old as he actually was, it’s been an amazing career.

17. Texans (17) – Well they finally broke out on the upside of .500 and immediately are being questioned whether they can sustain it. Matt Schaub is putting up tremendous numbers, leading the league in TDs (16) and yards (2,074) while being 4th in the league in QB rating (104.4). But even with those stats, would you want him with the ball in his hands when you need a game-winning drive? Schaub might be Warren Moon 2.0.

18. 49ers (10) –What’s the biggest difference between Alex Smith and Michael? Alex Smith is happy to have VD. (that’s Vernon Davis, Hildo). I hope for Smith’s sake that he is able to take this chance at a career rebirth and run with it – otherwise he can take his position among the biggest busts: JaMarcus Russell, Tim Couch, Michael Vick & Scarlett Johansson.

19. Bears (12) – What an embarrassment against the Bengals. Is Lovie Smith going to be on the hotseat? If he doesn’t find a way to be better now that he has his supposed franchise quarterback, he will be. Having the Browns come to town is a nice way to lower the heat on his seat. Ron Turner can't turn down the heat - he's getting fired. He got his QB and has not had success, while his rejects (Orton & Benson) are lighting the league on fire.

20. Jaguars (21) – MJD is the Short Round of the Jags. I wonder if he’s going to accuse the Commissioner of cheating? Did you know Short Round was also in Goonies, and was in 22 episodes of “Head of the Class”?

The “Rambo: First Blood Part II” Tier
These are the teams that are doing battle while short-handed and facing long odds for success. Not sure any of these teams have the ability of John Rambo to pull off the impossible, but the tagline for the movie “What most people call hell, he calls home” is appropriate for all these teams.

21. Dolphins (18) – Team Wildcat put up a valiant fight against the Saints, but will not be able to take the next step with Ted Ginn dropping passes all over the field. The running game continues to be dangerous, with Ricky Williams running like someone stole his pipe.

22. Bills (24) – Are we supposed to be impressed that they beat the Panthers when they had 12 guys on defense and the Panthers only had 10 guys on offense. Wait, Jake Delhomme plays for the Panthers? Could have fooled me……and the Bills.

23. Seahawks (22) – Continuing a trend of playing well when you count them out, but once you build conviction, they match up about as well as Sylvester Stallone next to anyone over 5’4”.

24. Panthers (23) – John Fox is considering benching Delhomme. Considering? Then again, he knows he’s getting canned after the season, so maybe he’s just having some fun and wants to see how many INTs he can throw in one season. It’s the equivalent of lighting the house on fire before Bill Cowher has to come in and try to put out the fire and see if there are any salvageable parts.

The “Ghost Busters” Tier
The movie boasts a power line-up of big name actors and actresses going along with a ridiculous storyline. It’s entertaining because you have a couple of stars like Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis providing funny moments, but overall, it’s not a cinematic masterpiece. There is some talent in this tier (Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Chris Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, etc.), but these teams are a joke. The house has been getting crushed this season because they can’t make the spreads wide enough when these teams play any of the top teams in the league. It means a couple things – we’re going to start seeing some college-football-style 20+ point spreads in the very near future, and the gambling apocalypse is coming. At some point, the underdogs are going to have a week when they cover or win and all of us that continue to pound the favorites are going to get crushed. It’s coming. Be warned.

25. Lions (25) – They remain the tallest midget of this group. Stafford looks like he might be ready to return to the line-up, which should bode well for them to have a chance to cover a couple spreads and steal a couple victories in the second half of the year.

26. Browns (26) – Hard to believe this team is better than 6 other teams. SIX. And this team is horrendous. The Browns have scored 6 or fewer points in 4 of their 7 games – including winning one of those games. Awful, and pretty obvious that the Browns are not going to play Brady Quinn to ensure he doesn’t reach his playing time quota to get a sizeable performance bonus.

27. Raiders (26) – So much for that playoff prediction by Richard Seymour. They finally benched Shamoo Russell, but it’s not like Bruce Gradkowski is exactly a huge upgrade. They are the Lindsay Lohan of the NFL – a total train wreck that somehow continues to stay in the news even though no one really cares any more.

28. Chiefs (29) – Exhibit #356,731 why athletes without any education should be restricted from using Twitter: Larry Johnson. Hey Turner brothers, save a place for LJ in the unemployment line.

29. Titans (28) – Sure LJ, they’ll hold a spot for you right next to Chuck Cecil. And Chuck might be holding a spot for Jeff Fisher, since the Titans owner is now demanding to see why he’s paying Vince Young a boatload of cash. Can Vince have an Alex Smith-like revival of his career? He doesn’t have VD, but he does have a fast Johnson (Chris).

30. Redskins (30) – There really isn’t anything else to say about the most messed up situation in the entire league. They’ve surpassed the Raiders as the biggest circus in the league. If Snyder really wants to produce a winner, he needs to clean house completely and turn it all over to Mike Holmgren or Mike Shanahan. Zorn has effectively become everyone in the Ghost Buster movie that gets slimed.

31. Buccaneers (31) – Maybe its Gozer the Gozerian that is causing the Bucs to be so pathetic. Or maybe it’s a general lack of talent. Might as well start the Josh Freeman Era inTampa because if you’re going to crash, you might as well go down in flames.

32. Rams (32) – Steven Jackson continues to put up 100 yard performances without touchdowns and the team continues to get blown out, week after week, only putting up an average of 8.6 ppg. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re permanent owners of the basement, St. Louis Rams.