Lane Kiffin is An Ass

I have no affinity for Tennessee on any level. In fact, I probably dislike the state due to a speeding ticket last summer. I drove to Nashville for a wedding, and on Sunday morning, I’m headed back to NY, tired, head hurting, and facing a 13 hour drive. So Barney Fife of the Tennessee State Police pulls me over going 82 in a 70 mph zone. Give me a break dude, it’s 12 over. Anyway, he gives me the ticket and tells me to call the number on the back of the ticket in 10 days to find out how much the fine is. What? Why is there not a simple system that tells you, 12 over = $100. Move on. No, out here, the hillbillies need to consult with their cousin/wife – the only one in the county with at least a 7th grade education – to figure out how much they can stick you with. So after ten days, I call. No response. I call 3 times that day and leave 3 messages within 5 days. On the advice of Hildo, I google the citation # and find the table of fines in Kingston, Tennessee. It starts at 15 over and $150. I didn’t even make the minimum threshold. So I send them a check for $100 with a note that I called 10 times, no one called me back and according to their website, I am now clear. A month later I get a letter from MaryJoeMarieBettySueBobbby Hicks, the city clerk, saying I still owe $100 because the fine was $200. Assclowns.

Anyway, that was a really long intro to prove that I don’t really like Tennessee. Yet I like Lane Kiffin less. Kiffin is the douchebag who obviously has the gift of persuasion and he definitely learned a thing or 10 about taking the money and running from his mentor, Pete Carroll. (side note: Pete – give up the “right situation” act about taking the Seahawks job. You and Mark McGwire really believe that everyone else is an idiot when the reality is you’re more transparent than Ashley Greene in a body paint bikini. Back to your regularly scheduled rant on Lane Kiffin.) Kiffin was the defensive coordinator under Carroll at USC and somehow parlayed that into a gig with the Raiders. That was the same Raiders job that Steve Sarkisian (the USC offensive coordinator) turned down before Kiffin took the payday despite never having been a head coach at any level. To absolutely no ones surprise, Kiffin rubbed his rich older players the wrong way and he couldn’t control them the same way he could control poor young guys at USC (at least they were poor until they became stars at USC and then were given houses for their family – Reggie Bush, or cars – Joe McNight). He butted heads with the owner and as crazy as Al Davis is, he’s the boss. If you want to keep your job, you can’t publicly call out the guy who signs the checks. So after one horrid year, he was canned and bashed in the most bizarre press conference I’ve ever seen by the Crypt Keeper, Al Davis.

He then somehow parlays that public failure into the head coaching job at Tennessee, one of the premiere fan bases in the SEC. He uses the Pete Carroll model of recruiting great athletes regardless of whether they have the academic capacity or maturity to handle college. He committed a minimum of 6 NCAA infractions during his one year, and also had to dismiss players from the team due to their off the field problems. On top of all that, he tried to tweak the tail of Urban Meyer’s recruiting practices at Florida. Lane, Urban wouldn’t even hire you to get him coffee. He has national championships and Heisman winners at Florida. You have never had success. Remember those great USC teams? Defense was their problem – not the offense with Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, LenDale White, Steve Smith & Mike Williams. So while on the field the Volunteer team improved during his one year, his off the field issues make it a tumultous tenure at best.

Yet, there must be something that Lane Kiffin has in his ability to smile and say the right things to your face that these places keep hiring him and believe him. He obviously can recruit - look at the guy’s wife as a prime example of his ability to convince someone that has no business being with him to buy what he’s selling. He definitely outpunted his coverage there. He’s the epitome of what’s wrong with the college coaching carousel, and also the perfect picture of a snake oil salesmen. Beware USC – you have a guy who will get your fan base excited, but there are fires in the building, and Lane loves to jump at the next payday instead of ever facing the music.

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Tough break (literally) for the Wisconsin hoops team losing Jon Leuer to a broken arm. That will be a crushing blow to a team that needs his ability to score from the post and step out and knock down three’s. Without Leuer, the Badgers don’t have anyone capable of drawing attention in the post which opens up Bohannon, Taylor and Hughes from beyond the arc. While I like Keaton Nankovil’s hustle and rebounding ability, he will not command any attention from opposing defenses. The Badgers will struggle against very good defensive teams the next time through the league like Ohio State, Michigan State and Purdue.

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Tuesday Ramblings - No S#it.

Before getting to the headlines that should surprise no one………I’m a big Packer fan, but obviously not as big as this guy. I watched the game but if I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was responsible for the defensive game plan or something…….

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Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids. No S#it. That’s almost as surprising as when I heard NBA players like to gamble and own guns. Why is this even a story? We knew with absolute certainty that he did steroids – look at the picture. Not just that his arms more than doubled, but look at the size of his head post steroids. It’s the same story as Sammy Sosa or Barry Bonds. Why does the media continue to shove it down our throats as if we really care any more? Mark obviously wants to get the A-Rod/Andy Pettite treatment now that he has admitted it so he can be loved in his role as hitting coach in St. Louis and eventually get elected to the Hall of Fame. We all know many, many baseball players during the 90’s used steroids. It was pitchers on steroids. It was hitters on steroids. Hell, managers may have been on steroids for all we know. We have to just footnote the era and move forward – we can’t go back in time and undo the records – they happened, we all watched and enjoyed it and the media reported on it with excitement. Last quick add – did you see the interview he gave on MLB Network? How much botox does he have in his face? His neck is all wrinkled and old, yet his face is perfectly smooth and doesn’t move even when he’s faking those tears. Let’s just move on.

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USC is struggling to find a coach to replace Pete Carroll. No S#it. So if you see a house with a ton of smoke coming from the roof and the former owner is running out of the house and laughing on his way to the bank, should you just head inside and call it home? The USC athletic program, both basketball and football particularly, is burning down due to repeated NCAA infractions. No current coach in a decent situation is going to leave that situation for USC. The only one who will? Jack Del Rio of the Jacksonville Jaguars, whom theJags would like to fire but are so financially strapped that they can’t. This could be a “get out of jail free” card for both Del Rio and the Jags.

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ABC’s “The Bachelor” show is heavily “steered” and creates story lines to build drama. No S#it. For those of you that have wives, girlfriends or secret obsessions with the show, the following link contains spoilers about the current season. So be warned but feel free to use it to win wagers of any amount against your wives, girlfriends or friends. Unfortunately, it does not contain pictures of Rozlyn, who was at the center of the supposed scandal and kicked off the show. But again, why would we be surprised that they stage/force many of the women to make these over the top statements of how in love they are with the midget pilot?

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Bullets don’t kill a 700 pound black bear. No S#it.

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NBC went cheap by moving Leno to the earlier slot, then reversed course and has now pissed off Leno and Conan. No S#it. I watched the new version of the Leno show once and it was horrendous. It reminded me of a bad high school production with cheap sets, bad lighting and awkward segments. So getting rid of that show is logical. Since Conan took over the Tonight Show the ratings have been awful because Conan does not appeal to the general audience for the show – middle aged and older adults. Conan’s a snarky, arrogant d-bag whose humor relies on him being smarter than you. It would then seem extremely logical for NBC to move Leno back to his original time slot and bump Conan out of the way. Yes, they’ve handled it poorly and yes, someone will get fired for the failed experiment. Yet people are acting with extreme surprise and trying to make a story out of something where the proper response should have been: No S#it.

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I feign interest in a blizzard on Mount Kilimanjaro just to post a picture of Jessica Biel. No S#it. Why would we be surprised about this? I mean, there are legit questions like why is Jessica Biel climbing a mountain? Or why is the granddaughter of ocean explorer Jacques Cousteau with her? I guess it really doesn’t matter.

Tuesday Ramblings

Gilbert Arenas and his Washington Wizards teammate Jarvis Crittenden pulled guns on each other in their own locker room after an argument about a gambling debt. Is any of this a surprise? The fact that Hayden Panttiere has boobs and that she’s dating boxing champion Wladamir Klitschko is a surprise. NBA players with guns in the locker room is not a surprise. But the one-liners or newspaper headlines are almost too easy……just a few samples:

Agent Zero and his not so secret weapons

Arenas is a Shooting Guard Gone Wild

Arenas takes the “Gunner” label to new levels

Agent Zero makes his case for the team to go back to the Bullets nickname

Arenas got confused playing at the Target Center in Minnesota

And so on, and so on, and so on. The story is just another example of how these athletes continue to test the levels of stupidity they can reach. These guys have the money, so your bodyguard, manager or your boys should be doing all of the gun carrying and driving after a night of downing Patron. That's the price they have to pay for being part of your celebrity athlete posse.

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While the Fiesta Bowl was entertaining to watch, I’m pretty sure it didn’t do anything to help the case for a playoff. Both TCU and Boise State would have been the Michael Spinks to Florida, Alabama or Texas’s Mike Tyson. They are good football teams but they do not have the athleticism, size or speed to truly play with the big boys. I loathe the current system of spread out bowl games (I almost forgot there were more games to play after a 2 day break), the playoff wouldn’t make a difference. Small schools with gimmicky offenses and trick plays (why are teams EVER surprised when Boise State fakes a punt??) may win one game against the powerhouses, but they would not be able to advance through multiple rounds of games. Can you see Boise State beating Georgia Tech and then following it up by beating Ohio State and then having to still beat Alabama in a championship? Neither can I. It’s kind of like Gwen Stefani - she’s not for everyone, and she’s not going to stack up against the most talented musicians or women, but she has her moments of brilliance and can be entertaining.

So until we have a better solution than a playoff - maybe a “plus-one” system where after the bowl games are played we have one final championship game? - we shouldn’t mess with the current system.

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USC was put on probation for the improper benefits that OJ Mayo received from boosters during his one year on campus. Memo to all coaches at USC: Stay away from great athletes named OJ that want to wear #32. They tend to bring trouble to Los Angeles. Mayo didn’t (allegedly) kill his ex-wife and her lover, then have his buddy lead the cops on a low-speed chase down the 405 in a white Bronco, and spend the next 15 years looking for the killer on golf courses all over southern California. Yet his brief time didn’t produce overwhelming success on the court and his off the court actions will cause a lasting headache for the entire program.

The only thing more contrived and bogus than the Obama Beer Summit with Henry Gates & James Crowley is NCAA probation. When a program violates the rules, the NCAA cracks down by making teams “vacate” victories during the time of the violation, takes away scholarships and bans

the team from the postseason. Who does this punishment actually affect? In many instances, the players that are the cause of the probation have left school early for the pros. The coaching staff has the ability to leverage the success they enjoyed with the violating player into a bigger, higher-paying job and leaves campus. So the people that have to pay for the violation are the new coaching staff and the players still around on the team who have lost a scholarship and the hope of postseason play.

And if those players want to transfer to a school with an opportunity to play in the postseason, they have to sit out a year after transferring. A coach who jumps programs doesn’t pay any penalty - after crashing the rental car into a tree, he walks away and heads to the bar to toast to his next big pay day. Yes, I’m talking to you, John Calipari or Jim Harrick. These guys crashed multiple programs (Calipari at UMass and Memphis, and Harrick at UCLA, Rhode Island and Georgia) and were continually given new programs to run. Bobby Knight may have been a prick and mistreated his players, but he was dead on when he said that he was glad he was no longer coaching because the game lacked integrity and John Calipari was the perfect example of that lack of integrity. Maybe the game would have been better off if John Cheaney (who is among the few coaches that look like their mascot - the Owls) had actually been able to carry out his threat on the then-UMass coach…………

Week 6 Hangover - Love/Hate

Couple quick airline stories from the weekend before the Love/Hate…….

7:00 am flight out of LaGuardia, boarding up around 6:45, and then become plane #31 in line to take off, so there’s some time to kill on the run way. Girl in the center seat wearing sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up decides she’s hungry. Rustles in her bag and pulls out a full size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Really? Who brings a full-size bag of Doritos on a plane? For a 7:00 AM flight!?! So it’s now just after 7 in the morning, with the smell of cool ranch Doritos dominating the plane. And she doesn’t have any napkins and since you don’t want to waste any of that great cool ranch flavor, the natural thing to do is lick your fingers and hands to make sure you get all that goodness. Ugh. As the plane finally takes off and the flight attendants come by for beverages, what does she request? A Mountain Dew, of course. And no diet for this one – go for the Mountain Dew heavy. Amazingly, the attendant didn’t have any.

On the flight back Sunday night, Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr of Gossip Girl were sitting two rows behind us. Yeah, I watch Gossip Girl. Yes, I have a wife. Yes, it’s an excuse to watch Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. (note: Squirrel, get used to giving up the remote dude. You only have 2 weeks left.) In reality, Westwick is really short, and Szohr looked homeless.

LOVE

- The winner of the Florida-Alabama game will play Texas for the national title. No one wants to see Boise State or Iowa in the title game. No one.

- That Notre Dame-USC game had the 2 best QBs in the country. Barkley is a stud for a true freshman, and Claussen might be the most pro-ready prospect out there. USC is having their typical season, beat Ohio State early, lose the following week against a middle of the pack Pac-10 team, then round into form and be the best team in the country right before the bowl season.

- The Patriots are not dead and looked an awful lot like the 2007 Patriots – running up the score and squashing inferior opponents. Oh, and that Brady guy goes for 5 TDs in the second quarter. Titans were embarrassing to watch. The fall out? Jeff Fisher might get the axe in Nashville because that team showed they quit. Maybe it’s time for a change, and Fisher will immediately become the leading candidate for the soon-to-be-open Cowboys job.

- The Badger Snuggie was everywhere at the game this week. Also everywhere at the game were many Iowa farmers/fans. I was concerned that there was going to be a corn shortage since all those farmers were at the game and not tending their farms. Then again, they might as well travel to watch Iowa play, what the heck else are you going to do if you stay in Iowa?

- Modern Family is the best new show on television. Al Bundy is having a career resurgence.

HATE

- Mark Sanchez had never played in a game when the temperature was below 55 degrees in his life. Grew up in Cali, went to USC and now with the Jets. And in his first game in that weather? A game almost as bad as Jake Delhomme’s season opener. The Jets had a 210 yard rusher and a 99 yard rusher and lost in OT. Hopefully he figures it out, because the Meadowlands has a slightly different climate than southern California.

- The Angels look nothing like the disciplined and talented team that they were most of the season and they are in serious trouble. Down 2 games and facing Pettite is a tough task.

- The 2-3-2 format for the playoffs is ridiculous and asinine. If the Angels win just their home games, they will have 2 shots to close out the Yankees in games 6 and 7. If you don’t have home field advantage, you should never be leading the series just by winning your home games. I get the travel and cost constraints, but the schedule is stupid. And don’t get me started on the number of off days.

- You cannot be a Super Bowl contender and lose to the Raiders. There are no excuses for McNabb or Andy Reid. Because Reid is a jovial fat guy, everyone will give him a pass and say it was a one week slip up and they’ll learn from it. If it were the Cowboys that lost to the Raiders? Or the Giants? But that is the sign of team that is not mentally tough. McNabb has never been mentally tough and continues to prove it.

- Nice game Ohio State. Terrell Pryor is a joke. He’s not even as good as Kordell Stewart ever was.

- Have to feel bad for Sam Bradford. The guy would have been among the top picks in the draft last year, and went back to school to fight for a national championship and be a college kid for one more year. Now he’s injured his shoulder twice and his draft stock is going down faster than Paris Hilton in front of a video camera.

NFL Power Rankings - Post Week 3

A couple quick thoughts before getting to the rankings after 3 weeks of football……

First, how freaky was the weight lifting accident with USC RB Stephon Johnson? Yikes – I guess this supports Squirrel’s anti-exercise regime. Thankfully it appears he’s going to survive and they think he could eventually play again.

Second, while there is no doubt Ron Artest is legitimately crazy, he is entertaining. Especially when he asks the TMZ guy if he talks to God.

On to the rankings, where this week, I’ve grouped the teams into five categories based on actors/actresses.

Tier I: Matt Damon Category – “How do you like them apples?”

The teams in this category are the class of the league, well-rounded and capable of success with their offense, defense and special teams – like Damon is successful in comedies (Ocean’s Eleven, Good Will Hunting), action (Bourne series) or drama (The Rainmaker)

1 – Giants (last week: 1) – Nothing changes after destroying a bad Tampa team without a whole bunch of defensive starters. While the Jets steal the headlines, Tom Coughlin’s boys just keep chugging along.

2 – Ravens (2) – Maybe the most well-rounded team in the league with a QB that looks like Bert from Bert & Ernie (credit to Mike Florio) really establishing himself as a weapon. The Good Will Hunting of the group – some good comedy, great story line, and an underdog story.

3 – Colts (4) – They almost make it look easy despite tough travel, losing WRs to injuries, etc. They’re like the movie Rounders – you can watch it over and over again, and you’re still impressed when Mikey busts KGB’s tell.

4 – Saints (3) – The Saints were The Departed last week – still dominant even though Brees allowed someone else (Pierre Thomas) to be the headliner. It will be a big test for the offense this week against the Jets.

5 – Vikings (6) – After the Favre miracle – the question was who gets the credit, Favre or Lewis? Who cares? It was an amazing play, and that old man can still make things happen…….sometimes good and sometimes bad.

6 – Jets (8) – They continue to make me look like an idiot with my preseason predictions for them, and Mark Sanchez isn’t a star-in-the-making, he’s already a star. Like The Rainmaker, underrated at the beginning of the year, and helped by a fat guy who talks as much as he eats – though Rex is double the height of Devito.

7 - Patriots (9) – They haven’t lost back-to-back games in 3 years – that’s an impressive streak. Flexed their running game muscles against the Falcons and now have another chance to make a statement against the Ravens.

8 – Chargers (10) – The Legend of Bagger Vance team in San Diego. A little inconsistent, and I probably wouldn’t stop to watch it flipping channels on a Tuesday night, and yet it’s not a bad movie/team. They seem to be finding their way without LT or Jamal Williams.

Tier II: Vince Vaughn Category – “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet.”

These are teams capable of getting to the Super Bowl if they can solve a minor problem that might hold them back. Highly entertaining teams – like Vince Vaughn, but they have limitations. Vince is a comedy legend, but struggled in anything else (Psycho & Clay Pigeons). Thankfully Vince recognized he’s best when he can freelance, and I’m hoping that’s what he does in Couples Retreat.

9 – Falcons (5) – Like Swingers, the best of the group, despite the Falcons ugly blip last week against the Pats (like the scene where Mikey continues to leave messages on the girl’s answering machine).

10 – Packers (11) – Couldn’t tell much after beating the Rams, but it seemed the game stayed close for too long. Overall talent of Rodgers, Jennings, Grant and Driver was too much for the Rams. This week will tell plenty going into the Metrodome to take on the Viqueens.

11 – Eagles (16) – They’re like The Break-Up – not just because the fair-weather fans are ready to dump McNabb after Kolb beats up a pathetic Chiefs team – but because they’re utterly unwatchable after the first 15 minutes – they’ve blown out the Panthers and Chiefs and been blown out by the Saints.

12 – 49ers (12) – Much like Dodgeball, they’re an underdog story. They beat the Vikings, but made the mistake of getting too conservative at the end and it left too much time on the clock for Favre.

13 – Bengals (18) – Sure seems like they’re the real deal and are only a fluke play against Denver away from being 3-0. Like Anchorman, they seem to grow on you the more you watch them – the defense is solid and the offense can score.

14 – Bears (19) – Got a very good win at Seattle last week, and now have a sneaky tough game against the “streaking” Lions.

15 – Steelers (7) – You have to believe they’ll straighten it out because they have an Old School coach. However, the Steelers had a serious hangover after their last Super Bowl, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs. Now, finishing .500 isn’t as bad as waking up missing a tooth with Mike Tyson’s lion in your bathroom, but missing the playoffs after winning the championship is ugly.

Tier III: Tom Cruise Category – “That’s right! Ice…..man. I am dangerous.”

These teams have the ability to play with the top teams in the league, but much like Tom Cruise, while entertaining at times, if they have to stand up, they just won’t be on the same level. Yet they still have a chance to put out a Mission Impossible on random weeks.

16 – Cowboys (13) – Beating an inept Panthers team and potentially losing another RB if Felix Jones can’t go for a couple weeks could hurt the best running team in the league. Like Valkyre, there was a ton of hype surrounding it, but people aren’t buying it.

17 – Broncos (17) – Much like Jerry Maguire, I need the Broncos to “Show me the money!” I still just don’t believe this team is that good, even though they are 3-0. However their schedule gets a little rough in the next couple weeks (DAL, NE, SD, BAL, & PIT), and I would think they’ll be happy to be 4-4 after that stretch.

18 – Texans (14) – Crushed my Lock of the Week against the Jaguars, continuing their rollercoaster of winning when they shouldn’t and losing when they should.

19 – Cardinals (21) – Kind of like Eyes Wide Shut – it’s sad and disturbing to watch Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (he’s like 3 feet shorter than her), and it’s sad and disturbing to watch Kurt Warner get really old right before our eyes.

20 – Seahawks (23) – From Days of Thunder, “Rubbing’s racing, Harry” – as the Seahawks are the walking wounded. I should drop them lower simply for those hideous lime green jerseys. What’s the deal with people in the Northwest (Oregon & Seattle) being okay with neon uniforms?

21 – Titans (15) – They want the truth, but can they handle the truth, which is they are 0-3, and it’s going to be a very uphill battle to make the playoffs. At what point do they have to consider playing Vince Young to see if he’s worth keeping for the future?

Tier IV: Megan Fox Category – I’m not even trying to put in a quote from her

She’s easy on the eyes until she opens her mouth. These teams are just generally disappointing and overhyped much like any movie Megan Fox is in. In case we forgot, we already have a crazy movie star with a great body and serious DSL’s – it is Angelina Jolie.

22 – Bills (19) – The inevitable TO meltdown is only a few more weeks away, though I applaud his efforts to not throw people under the bus anymore. Yet I still think the reason he’ll behave is that he’s on a one year contract and the only way to get paid next year is to be a good soldier this year.

23 – Jaguars (27) – MJD can carry them to a couple more wins, but this still isn’t a very good team.

24 – Dolphins (22) – I feel bad for Pennington after another season-ending injury, as he seems like a genuine hard-working guy. This is just not a very good team and without the surprise of the gimmick offense this year, the lack of talent is being exposed.

25 – Panthers (26) – The only Megan Fox movie I’ve heard of is Transformers, so guess it’s appropriate given Jake Delhomme has transformed from a reliable NFL starter to the butt of jokes. Blame the INTs against the Cowboys on whomever you want; it’s still 2 more INTs.

Tier V: Keanu Reeves Category – “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style.”

Terrible. Nothing more needs to be said. The guy is a horrendous actor and these teams are an embarrassment.

26 – Lions (30) – Finally off the schnide, so I’m moving them to the top of the trash heap. Basically, they are the tallest midget of this group.

27 – Redskins (25) – They have a chance to drop even lower in the rankings after playing Tampa this weekend. It’s not a Keanu Reeves movie, but Dead Man Walking is the most appropriate since the odds of Jim Zorn making it past week 5 are almost non-existent.

28 – Raiders (24) – It’s like the Matrix in that everyone’s confused by what’s going on and yet, it’s someone entertaining in a pathetic way.

29 – Chiefs (28) – Todd Haley is as intense as Al Pacino in Devil’s Advocate, and it doesn’t appear to be driving his team to any success.

30 – Buccaneers (29) – After benching Fat Albert, maybe they should bring in Shane Falco, although Raheem Morris is no Gene Hackman.

31 – Rams (32) – They move up one spot by default to make room at the bottom for the most pathetic team in the league. The Rams still suck – pick any movie as a comparison – Sweet November, Feeling Minnesota, A Walk in the Clouds, etc – yeah, he’s made a lot of terrible movies.

32 – Browns (31) – Now the team has allegedly quit on Mangini, but why wouldn’t they? The Browns are like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – they haven’t been relevant since the late 80’s.