Wednesday, September 30, 2009

NFL Power Rankings - Post Week 3

A couple quick thoughts before getting to the rankings after 3 weeks of football……

First, how freaky was the weight lifting accident with USC RB Stephon Johnson? Yikes – I guess this supports Squirrel’s anti-exercise regime. Thankfully it appears he’s going to survive and they think he could eventually play again.

Second, while there is no doubt Ron Artest is legitimately crazy, he is entertaining. Especially when he asks the TMZ guy if he talks to God.

On to the rankings, where this week, I’ve grouped the teams into five categories based on actors/actresses.

Tier I: Matt Damon Category “How do you like them apples?”

The teams in this category are the class of the league, well-rounded and capable of success with their offense, defense and special teams – like Damon is successful in comedies (Ocean’s Eleven, Good Will Hunting), action (Bourne series) or drama (The Rainmaker)

1 – Giants (last week: 1) – Nothing changes after destroying a bad Tampa team without a whole bunch of defensive starters. While the Jets steal the headlines, Tom Coughlin’s boys just keep chugging along.

2 – Ravens (2) – Maybe the most well-rounded team in the league with a QB that looks like Bert from Bert & Ernie (credit to Mike Florio) really establishing himself as a weapon. The Good Will Hunting of the group – some good comedy, great story line, and an underdog story.

3 – Colts (4) – They almost make it look easy despite tough travel, losing WRs to injuries, etc. They’re like the movie Rounders – you can watch it over and over again, and you’re still impressed when Mikey busts KGB’s tell.

4 – Saints (3) – The Saints were The Departed last week – still dominant even though Brees allowed someone else (Pierre Thomas) to be the headliner. It will be a big test for the offense this week against the Jets.

5 – Vikings (6) – After the Favre miracle – the question was who gets the credit, Favre or Lewis? Who cares? It was an amazing play, and that old man can still make things happen…….sometimes good and sometimes bad.

6 – Jets (8) – They continue to make me look like an idiot with my preseason predictions for them, and Mark Sanchez isn’t a star-in-the-making, he’s already a star. Like The Rainmaker, underrated at the beginning of the year, and helped by a fat guy who talks as much as he eats – though Rex is double the height of Devito.

7 - Patriots (9) – They haven’t lost back-to-back games in 3 years – that’s an impressive streak. Flexed their running game muscles against the Falcons and now have another chance to make a statement against the Ravens.

8 – Chargers (10)The Legend of Bagger Vance team in San Diego. A little inconsistent, and I probably wouldn’t stop to watch it flipping channels on a Tuesday night, and yet it’s not a bad movie/team. They seem to be finding their way without LT or Jamal Williams.

Tier II: Vince Vaughn Category – “I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet.”

These are teams capable of getting to the Super Bowl if they can solve a minor problem that might hold them back. Highly entertaining teams – like Vince Vaughn, but they have limitations. Vince is a comedy legend, but struggled in anything else (Psycho & Clay Pigeons). Thankfully Vince recognized he’s best when he can freelance, and I’m hoping that’s what he does in Couples Retreat.

9 – Falcons (5) – Like Swingers, the best of the group, despite the Falcons ugly blip last week against the Pats (like the scene where Mikey continues to leave messages on the girl’s answering machine).

10 – Packers (11) – Couldn’t tell much after beating the Rams, but it seemed the game stayed close for too long. Overall talent of Rodgers, Jennings, Grant and Driver was too much for the Rams. This week will tell plenty going into the Metrodome to take on the Viqueens.

11 – Eagles (16) – They’re like The Break-Up – not just because the fair-weather fans are ready to dump McNabb after Kolb beats up a pathetic Chiefs team – but because they’re utterly unwatchable after the first 15 minutes – they’ve blown out the Panthers and Chiefs and been blown out by the Saints.

12 – 49ers (12) – Much like Dodgeball, they’re an underdog story. They beat the Vikings, but made the mistake of getting too conservative at the end and it left too much time on the clock for Favre.

13 – Bengals (18) – Sure seems like they’re the real deal and are only a fluke play against Denver away from being 3-0. Like Anchorman, they seem to grow on you the more you watch them – the defense is solid and the offense can score.

14 – Bears (19) – Got a very good win at Seattle last week, and now have a sneaky tough game against the “streaking” Lions.

15 – Steelers (7) – You have to believe they’ll straighten it out because they have an Old School coach. However, the Steelers had a serious hangover after their last Super Bowl, going 8-8 and missing the playoffs. Now, finishing .500 isn’t as bad as waking up missing a tooth with Mike Tyson’s lion in your bathroom, but missing the playoffs after winning the championship is ugly.

Tier III: Tom Cruise Category – “That’s right! Ice… I am dangerous.”

These teams have the ability to play with the top teams in the league, but much like Tom Cruise, while entertaining at times, if they have to stand up, they just won’t be on the same level. Yet they still have a chance to put out a Mission Impossible on random weeks.

16 – Cowboys (13) – Beating an inept Panthers team and potentially losing another RB if Felix Jones can’t go for a couple weeks could hurt the best running team in the league. Like Valkyre, there was a ton of hype surrounding it, but people aren’t buying it.

17 – Broncos (17) – Much like Jerry Maguire, I need the Broncos to “Show me the money!” I still just don’t believe this team is that good, even though they are 3-0. However their schedule gets a little rough in the next couple weeks (DAL, NE, SD, BAL, & PIT), and I would think they’ll be happy to be 4-4 after that stretch.

18 – Texans (14) – Crushed my Lock of the Week against the Jaguars, continuing their rollercoaster of winning when they shouldn’t and losing when they should.

19 – Cardinals (21) – Kind of like Eyes Wide Shut – it’s sad and disturbing to watch Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (he’s like 3 feet shorter than her), and it’s sad and disturbing to watch Kurt Warner get really old right before our eyes.

20 – Seahawks (23) – From Days of Thunder, “Rubbing’s racing, Harry” – as the Seahawks are the walking wounded. I should drop them lower simply for those hideous lime green jerseys. What’s the deal with people in the Northwest (Oregon & Seattle) being okay with neon uniforms?

21 – Titans (15) – They want the truth, but can they handle the truth, which is they are 0-3, and it’s going to be a very uphill battle to make the playoffs. At what point do they have to consider playing Vince Young to see if he’s worth keeping for the future?

Tier IV: Megan Fox Category – I’m not even trying to put in a quote from her

She’s easy on the eyes until she opens her mouth. These teams are just generally disappointing and overhyped much like any movie Megan Fox is in. In case we forgot, we already have a crazy movie star with a great body and serious DSL’s – it is Angelina Jolie.

22 – Bills (19) – The inevitable TO meltdown is only a few more weeks away, though I applaud his efforts to not throw people under the bus anymore. Yet I still think the reason he’ll behave is that he’s on a one year contract and the only way to get paid next year is to be a good soldier this year.

23 – Jaguars (27) – MJD can carry them to a couple more wins, but this still isn’t a very good team.

24 – Dolphins (22) – I feel bad for Pennington after another season-ending injury, as he seems like a genuine hard-working guy. This is just not a very good team and without the surprise of the gimmick offense this year, the lack of talent is being exposed.

25 – Panthers (26) – The only Megan Fox movie I’ve heard of is Transformers, so guess it’s appropriate given Jake Delhomme has transformed from a reliable NFL starter to the butt of jokes. Blame the INTs against the Cowboys on whomever you want; it’s still 2 more INTs.

Tier V: Keanu Reeves Category – “I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style.”

Terrible. Nothing more needs to be said. The guy is a horrendous actor and these teams are an embarrassment.

26 – Lions (30) – Finally off the schnide, so I’m moving them to the top of the trash heap. Basically, they are the tallest midget of this group.

27 – Redskins (25) – They have a chance to drop even lower in the rankings after playing Tampa this weekend. It’s not a Keanu Reeves movie, but Dead Man Walking is the most appropriate since the odds of Jim Zorn making it past week 5 are almost non-existent.

28 – Raiders (24) – It’s like the Matrix in that everyone’s confused by what’s going on and yet, it’s someone entertaining in a pathetic way.

29 – Chiefs (28) – Todd Haley is as intense as Al Pacino in Devil’s Advocate, and it doesn’t appear to be driving his team to any success.
30 – Buccaneers (29) – After benching Fat Albert, maybe they should bring in Shane Falco, although Raheem Morris is no Gene Hackman.

31 – Rams (32) – They move up one spot by default to make room at the bottom for the most pathetic team in the league. The Rams still suck – pick any movie as a comparison – Sweet November, Feeling Minnesota, A Walk in the Clouds, etc – yeah, he’s made a lot of terrible movies.

32 – Browns (31) – Now the team has allegedly quit on Mangini, but why wouldn’t they? The Browns are like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – they haven’t been relevant since the late 80’s.

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