Tuesday Ramblings - Why Notre Dame Can't Win

So I missed in my Monday Hangover mentioning Notre Dame losing to Navy in South Bend on Saturday. It was another black eye for Charlie Weiss and the once proud program. The seat is once again getting very warm under the rather large posterior of the coach, who is becoming more prickly with each loss. But the question is whether Weiss is really at fault for the continued decline of the once proud and dominant program. Or is it possible that Weiss is facing headwinds that will keep the program from ever being able to push above that of a mid-tier Big Ten program?

I - Academics

It is a known fact that Notre Dame actually makes its student-athletes adhere to strict academic standards. Not only do they have stringent requirements to get accepted to the school, they make you attend class and get a degree. That obviously has a huge impact on recruiting and the ability to get the best athletes to don the golden dome helmet. Notre Dame has a graduation success rate of 95%, while Florida (68), Texas (50), USC (54) or LSU (54) were at or below the overall D-1 football average of 67%. What schools that are on par with Notre Dame? Stanford (93), Northwestern (92), Boston College (92) and Duke (92).

How can you honestly expect the Fighting Irish to be able to compete with schools that cater to kids that will leave school early, or would never qualify to attend strong academic schools? They can’t. So if Notre Dame insists on maintaining their academic integrity, they will not be able to attract these great athletes that have less intelligence than Megan Fox. The Notre Dame football players are not angels, but you don’t hear about guys like LeGarrette Blount (punching a Boise St player) or Brandon Spikes (eye gouging) or even JaMarcus Russell (lazy) at Notre Dame.

II – Recruiting Disadvantages

Notre Dame used to be the premiere football program in the entire country. Recruiting used to be as simple as, (a) Do you want to play for a national championship? (b) Do you want to be on national television every week? and (c) Have you seen Rudy and Touchdown Jesus? As long as you had the credentials, everyone wanted to play for Notre Dame. Things have changed tremendously, a big part of that is the continued explosion of 24 hour sports networks, and large television contracts with every major conference. That NBC contract used to be a primary recruiting tool to show high school kids that you’ll be seen on television which would increase your draft prospects. That is no longer the case as the Big Ten has its own network and a contract with ESPN, the SEC has a large contract with ESPN and CBS, and so on and so on. All of the games are on television and players will be found and will be covered if they have the talent to play in the pros. In addition, the increased draft coverage from the sports networks and the talking heads all over television and radio make sure that players from any school will be discovered.

The other large recruiting disadvantage that Notre Dame faces is the oldest adage in real estate: location, location, location. Notre Dame is in South Bend, Indiana. There is nothing in South Bend, Indiana other than Notre Dame. Now Gainesville, Florida is not a bustling metropolis but it definitely has a few things that Notre Dame cannot offer: sunshine, beaches, and talented co-eds. (not that there aren’t pretty girls at ND – I have friends with beautiful wives that went there, but let’s be serious overall). Charlie Weiss brings in a recruit during the off-season and reminds him to bring his boots and coat, while they trek through the snow to show him the campus. That same 18 year old kid then flies to Gainesville, and Coach Meyer reminds him to bring his flip flops and sunglasses while they walk among palm trees and talented girls to get to the swamp. He then flies to LA, and meets with Pete Carroll, also under palm trees, also with talented co-eds, and Pete tells the kid to make sure he gets to Hollywood Blvd or Malibu before he heads out of town. Do you really think that kid is going to choose Notre Dame over those options?

III – Surreal Expectations

Every preseason, the pundits talk about how Notre Dame is improved, and will be battling for a BCS bowl berth. Every recruiting class for Notre Dame is ranked high because it’s full of highly recruited high school players. But it’s a circular argument in that the kids are ranked high because Notre Dame is recruiting them, and Notre Dame’s recruiting class is ranked high because the kids are highly ranked. It’s a flaw with the entire ranking of recruiting classes everywhere. In any event, Notre Dame is expected to battle for a national championship and a BCS bowl every single year, which puts a tremendous amount of pressure on a team that does not have the same talent level as the top teams in the country.

In the past 10 years, Notre Dame has had 10 players drafted in the first two rounds of the NFL draft. Compare that to Wisconsin (11), Michigan State (7), Iowa (9) and Washington (7). Now look at the number of 1st or 2nd round draft picks in the past ten years at USC (32), Ohio State (25), Florida (20) and Texas (19). The talent disparity is obvious, yet Notre Dame is perennially expected to compete despite an uneven talent level.

The alumni and the media continue to push Notre Dame expectations way above where they realistically should be based on their talent. Notre Dame will never have a season that is a surprise on the upside; it will only have surprises to the downside. That is an impossible situation for any coach to face. And at Notre Dame, it happens every single season.

Overall, Notre Dame is a strong academic school that produces solid football teams and solid student-athletes. Yet that does not appease the alumni that demand a return to the excellence of the past. Unfortunately, the team is facing a very steep uphill battle in order to consistently battle for national championships again.

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Did you see the dive/fall/landing of Javid Best of California getting to the house against Oregon State? It was a nasty, nasty fall after going up over the top, and getting crushed while up there. Thankfully it sounds like he was released from the hospital and will be able to resume playing in a few weeks after the concussion.
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Oregon reinstated their RB, LeGarrette Blount that punched a Boise State player after their season opening loss. I think it makes sense, as the kid has missed more than half of his senior season, and if the coach, athletic director and conference believe that he has learned his lesson, then let him play. And if the team was only reinstating him because the team had a shot at the Rose Bowl, they would have brought him back for the USC game or before losing to Stanford.
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The Chiefs cut Larry Johnson yesterday to complete a dramatic fall from grace for the former NFL stud. Johnson and Shaun Alexander are the primary examples to prove the curse of 300+ carries in one season. However, Michael Turner appears to be busting through that this season and has been getting better as this season has went on.
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Oh, and are we surprised that the Allen Iverson experiment in Memphis didn’t work out? Now it looks like he’s going to retire because he can’t handle coming off the bench. After 3 games, he’s had enough. Just another example of what a selfish d-bag this guy has always been, despite how dynamic he could be on the court.

Week 9 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Thankfully we no longer have to worry about Iowa crashing the BCS championship. Losing to Northwestern? Ouch. While I don’t believe Ricky Stanzi is a great quarterback by any stretch, the guy is a gamer, and it’s obvious that the team is not the same without him. After he left the game with an ankle injury, the Hawkeyes had no chance. And yet they still can play their way to the Rose Bowl (where they will get demoralized by Oregon) by beating Ohio State.

- Congrats, Mr. & Mrs. Squirrel on a great wedding this past weekend. Great to catch up with everyone. And it was a classic Midwest wedding in that there was a mullet sighting, at least one guy wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a tie, and a few people that were as wide as they were tall (and at least a few of them were cops, so I should probably leave it at that). Oh, and of course, a polka.

- The Bengals are a virtual lock to make the playoffs and are potentially a threat to win the AFC. They’ve now swept the Ravens are 4-0 within the AFC North, which many thought was the best division in football. They pounded the Ravens with their running game, as Cedric Benson went over 100 yards against the supposedly tough and angry Ravens defense for the second time this season.

- As strange as it sounds, the Titans appear to be much better with Vince Young at QB. It’s not that he’s putting up magical yardage numbers, but the team is responding with him under center. He has a passer rating of 83 and is averaging less than 150 yards in his starts, but he ran for a TD as the Titans won their second consecutive game. Now here’s where it gets interesting for the owner, Bud Adams. If the team continues to win with Young, is Jeff Fisher more or less on the hot seat? He was the coach who went with Kerry Collins to start the season, and he was the coach who was reluctant to go to Young until the owner demanded that the former #3 pick get some playing time. Now that they are winning, his record looks better, but his error of not starting Young from the beginning looks more and more glaring.

- The Brewers traded JJ Hardy to the Minnesota Twins for young CF Carlos Gomez over the weekend. The move frees up Alcides Escobar to be the starting shortstop, and guarantees the team will not be resigning Mike Cameron, which frees up a considerable amount of payroll. If that money is used for much-needed starting pitching, I think it could be a great trade for the Brewers. They were not going to get much value for a .229 hitting SS that everyone knew the Brewers no longer wanted. And Gomez is a young player with vast potential, as he was one of the key cogs in the trade that sent Johan Santana to the Mets a few years ago. This gives the Brewers the potential to have an extremely fast and athletic line up with Escobar, Gomez and Ricky Weeks all able to put pressure on opposing teams with their running game. The real question is whether Ken Macha will utilize that speed or if he will continue to try and rely on the HR as the sole source of offense.

HATE

- Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your 2010 coach of the Green Bay Packers, Jon Gruden!!! There needs to be wholesale changes in Green Bay after this season. Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy need to go. And the special teams coach should have been left in Tampa Bay to find his own way home. The team has talented players at the skill positions, but the game plan is about as exciting as watching Lauren Conrad on the Hills – nothing ever happens, and there is no creativity or excitement. The offensive line is worse than an average big ten team, but they don’t do anything to help Rodgers get rid of the ball faster – roll him out, stick with a 3 step drop, draw plays, etc. Tampa Bay sacked Rodgers 6 times and had 3 interceptions. This was a complete abomination and embarrassment, and a reason for a complete overhaul.

- How is that Jay Cutler experience working out in Chicago? About as well as Katherine Heigl’s movie career. The Bears were blown out by the Cardinals yesterday, and while Cutler hasn’t been the biggest problem, the team is in trouble. Has the team quit on Lovie Smith? Time for Chicago fans to start thinking about whether Luol Deng and the Bulls. Then the Bulls will fall out of contention by April, and false hope for the Cubs can begin again. The cycle continues……

- Does Mike Singletary’s “Mr. Furious” routine have an expiration date? Are we past it? It seems possible that he had his team too high to start the season and the team has regressed and went from 3-1 to 4-5. And Alex Smith definitely has not revived his career based on this week’s 3 INT performance.

- Not sure what to even say about this video from a women’s college soccer game. This is the dirtiest, most ruthless thing I’ve seen in a really long time. She should have been thrown out of the game at least 4-5 times.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 9 Picks

So, right about now, our dear friend Squirrel is probably getting a little nervous. In less than 48 hours, he’s going to be walking down the aisle to permanently attach that ball and chain to his leg from a woman that is way better than he ever deserves. Congrats, buddy!!! Welcome to the club of guys who have outpunted their coverage, yet somehow got the women drunk or crazy enough to say “I do” to us. Looking forward to seeing most of the crew outside Chicago this weekend, and we’ll miss the rest that can’t make it – but something tells me we’ll tip up more than a few in your honor. On to sports……..

Ummmmm, Mr. Agassi, please stop. Just shut up, and don’t tell us anymore. If you like to set things on fire, maybe you should have lit your books on fire. Tanking matches, wearing a wig, wearing lifts, doing crystal meth and not wearing underwear while playing? Seriously dude, why are you writing a book about this? No one wants to know this stuff.

Speaking of shut-up, here’s a big one for you, Roy Williams. That was a rather large bus you just launched your QB (Romo Pyle) and fellow WR (Austin Miles) under. Complaining about the way the ball is thrown to you relative to how it’s thrown to Miles, and disrespecting Miles by constantly referring to him as “#2”? Is this an Austin Powers movie or an NFL team? Way to have the team mentality now that your team is actually on a pretty good roll. Oh, and by the way, Roy, you lead the league in drops.

Last week, I finally got out of the .500 range, and I broke out with authority. Only it was to the downside, with a pathetic 4-9 record. I’m just going to call it one week of lost focus and get back to the .500 mark and beyond this weekend. There is a pretty decent slate of games, some big divisional matchups, some teams that are trying to climb out of terrible starts, and others that are trying to bounce back after a rough stretch.

When figuring out how to classify the games this week, I thought about a conversation I was having with my brother about an old friend of a friend and whether they still had their flat-top haircut. I responded that people still have mullets. That led him to point out that as long as there are fans of NASCAR racing and hockey, there will always be mullets. For both racing and hockey, the most exciting part of the sport involves crashes, fights, or fights after a crash. Those are the moments that involve absolutely zero intelligence, which tells you all you need to know about the sport, and those who follow them. And one last blast on hockey – I cannot be a fan of a sport where they call the jerseys “sweaters” because sweaters are for holidays and keeping warm, not for playing sports.

So, long opening, but let’s get to the games……..I don’t claim to be the most fashionable man on earth, but let’s go with some of the worst fashions of the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The Mens Cutoff Jean Shorts Tier
Men’s stone-washed cutoff jean shorts are hideous and should never be worn – ever. I mean do we really need to discuss this any further? This is the worst game of the week between two terrible teams.

SEAHAWKS (+10) over Lions (CRAPTASTIC GAME OF THE WEEK)
Lions are coming off a loss to the pathetic Rams, and the Seahawks got slapped around by the Cowboys. Seahawks continue to be beat up, and don’t run well or pass well, which is beneficial to the Lions, since they can’t stop the run or the pass. Yet the Seahawks still have the ability to rock bad teams when they come to the great Northwest.

The Grunge/Flannel Tier
Remember when everyone wanted to dress like Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder? Including the women? Hideous. You want to know why subscriptions to Playboy have decreased since the 1990’s? Walk around a big city or a college campus today and the girls aren’t wearing much more than they’re wearing on the pages of Hugh Hefner’s magazine. In the 90’s, girls were wearing huge baggy flannel shirts and pants up over their belly buttons, so dudes had to get those magazines to catch a glimpse of skin. Anyway, these are games with one decent or good team and one of the Screech Powers or Tori Scott teams.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Chiefs
The Chiefs have been dealing with the distractions of Larry Johnson for the past two weeks, and now the fans are trying to prevent him from breaking the team’s all-time rushing record. Sadly, at his current rate of a meager 2.7 ypc, it’s going to take him more than 30 carries to get there. The Jags are coming off a game when everyone except MJD played like a jag-off, yet they’re still better than the young Chiefs.

FALCONS (-10) over Redskins (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
Falcons played well against the Saints, but haven’t quite learned how to finish games against top competition. The Redskins are nowhere near top competition. The Falcons may only need to score 13 to cover this spread. Even a bye week isn’t going to fix all the problems with Redskins. Do you think Zorn has his iPod hooked up to those headphones now that he’s not calling plays?

Packers (-9.5) over BUCCANEERS
Packers have struggled against good competition, but have beat up on the weaklings. The Bucs are the weakest of the weaklings. And this is a good week to put Clifton and Tauscher back into the starting line-up and let them have a nice easy week against some inferior competition. The Green Bay kryptonite has been giving up sacks, but thankfully for them the Bucs have no pass rush.

The Mall/Jersey Hair Tier
Using half a can of aqua net hairspray to keep your bangs 6-8 inches off your head and crimping your hair was supposed to be hot? I guess what’s more scary is the fact that this hairstyle still gets a decent amount of use currently in many parts of New Jersey and up north Wisconsin. Scary. These games have a couple of teams that refuse to die (like the hairstyle).

GIANTS (-4.5) over Chargers
Tom Coughlin has convinced his team that this game is a must-win and will save their season. That should be enough to overcome an up and down Chargers team flying across the country. The Giants will struggle to contain the deep ball to Vincent Jackson with their banged up secondary, but the Chargers defense will have a hard time slowing the Giants running game. In the battle of two average teams, take the home team.

49ERS (-4) over Titans
In the battle of highly drafted, bust quarterbacks trying to garner some value before their contracts expire at the end of the season, I’ll take the smarter guy – Alex Smith. The Titans looked revitalized last week, but Chris Johnson is not trying to run through the heartless Jags defense this week. Look for Michael Crabtree to have a chance to make some plays against the porous Titans secondary.

The Rolled Jeans Tier
Thankfully this was a pretty short-lived fad, and went away as fast as it became popular. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to wrap your pants as tight as possible around our ankles? And some people went as far as using pins to keep the rolls tight. These are games that have teams that could potentially make the playoffs, but you’re not going to reminisce about these games and how cool you were that you watched them.

Cardinals (+3) over BEARS
The last time these teams met, former Cardinals coach Dennis Green had his infamous “They are who we thought they were!” rant. Well, the Bears are still who we thought they were, a team with a weak pass defense and average offense. The Cards have won 3 straight road games, and while that’s tough to keep up, their defense should be angry after getting thrashed by the Panthers, and their offense should not turnover the ball as much as they did last week.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Dolphins
Last year in Foxborough, the Dolphins unveiled the wildcat and crushed the Pats. This time around, the Pats are coming off a bye, and the Phins are coming off a game where they needed to kickoff returns and a fumble return for a touchdown to beat the Jets. Brady didn’t spend his bye week in Cabo with Gisele, he spent it preparing to torch the Dolphins secondary.

Panthers (+13.5) over SAINTS
Almost two touchdowns is too many points to give, even to the juggernaut that is the 2009 Saints. Panthers have won 7 straight games in New Orleans and Louisiana native Jake Delhomme owns the Superdome (he started and won a game for the Saints before he joined the Panthers and won games there in college at Louisiana-Lafayette). Michael Turner showed last week that the Saints can be run on with the loss of Scott Fujita and Sedrick Ellis, which is bad news with Panthers’ second-in-the-NFC rushing attack (the Saints are the first) coming to town.

The Mullet Tier
As mentioned in the opening, the mullet continues to live on, a solid 20+ years past its expiration date. There were many different variations of the mullet, whether it’s the skinny guy leaning up against his IROC-Z28, or the guy with the sweet mullet and his Iron Maiden t-shirt, it was always a sight to behold. Anyone rocking the “business in the front, party in the back” look was definitely the coolest guy in the room. These are the prime time games of the week, almost all divisional matchups between playoff teams.

Ravens (-3) over BENGALS
Ochocinco reportedly sent care packages to Ray Lewis and his defensive teammates that contained deodorant so they wouldn’t sweat. The Bengals are for real, as evidenced by their prior wins over the Ravens (in Baltimore) and the Steelers, but crazy people like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed don’t need any extra motivation.

Texans (+9) over COLTS
The Colts allowed the 49ers to hang around in Indy last week, so there’s no reason to believe the Texans won’t do the same thing, as they have a much more potent offense than the Niners. Texans also need this game to prove that they are a legit contender within the division and the league.

EAGLES (-3) over Cowboys
Eagles welcome another divisional foe to the Linc, the site of the demolition of the Giants last week. The fans will be fired up to wash away the sting of the World Series loss, and try to forget the fact that they’re in Philly and they suck. The Cowboys now have to deal with the diva Roy Williams, and Romo will try to force the ball to him, leading to a couple of turnovers. The Eagles don’t miss much without Westbrook in the lineup because the rookie RB McCoy has been very good.

Steelers (-3) over BRONCOS
The Steelers historically have been extremely strong on Monday night and extremely strong coming off a bye. They get both this week when they visit Mile High Stadium. It’s almost as much of a sure thing as Carrie Underwood dating another athlete (I guess she’s on her second hockey player after Romo Pyle). Steelers have the best run defense in the league, which will be a challenge for Knowshon Moreno to open up the passing game for Kyle Orton.

Baseball is Broken - Not the Yankees

Congratulations to the Yankees on their 27th World Championship. Father time caught up to Pedro last night, and now we have to deal with the insufferable Yankee fans celebrating. But at least it’s better than Philly fans. I actually called the World Series right, predicting the Yankees in 6 games, which is amazing only in that it was the only series in the entire baseball playoffs I called correctly.

Now there are all the people screaming that they hate the Yankees because they spent their way to the championship. But you can’t hate the Yankees for playing within the rules as they are. Hate baseball for having the structure that allows the Yankees to just spend an unlimited amount on talent. And while they are the epitome of that flawed structure, what fan wouldn’t want an owner that could spend like the Steinbrenners? So it’s extremely frustrating because you won’t ever see the Royals, Pirates, Padres, Nationals, Orioles, or Blue Jays in the World Series again, but until they change the rules, why wouldn’t the Yankees, Sox, Mets, Phillies, Dodgers and Angels continue to spend like drunken sailors?

And I know it’s a tired argument, but if you look at the champions in baseball, since 1980, there have been 18 franchises that have won those 30 titles. For comparison, in the NBA, there have been 8 teams that have won those 30 titles, and that includes the Heat and the 76ers, which each won only one title. The NFL has been the picture of diverse champions, with 14 different franchises that have won the 30 Super Bowls since 1980. So I’m not sure that the salary cap is the cure for baseball.

In the meantime, teams like the Brewers, Royals, A’s, Blue Jays, Orioles, Rays, Rangers, Reds have to try and do the best they can before players like Prince Fielder, Roy Halladay, Johnny Votto, Carl Crawford, Billy Butler, etc. become free agents and run off to the big spenders.

To quote the movie "Boiler Room" when Ben Affleck is talking to the new recruits, "Those who say money doesn't buy happines......doesn't f--kin' have any."

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This is not a flattering article on the Mike McCarthy and the Packers coaches. Ross Tucker basically lit up the coaching staff for not being more creative in their blocking schemes and for kicking to Percy Harvin when he had already been extremely good. I think the heat is getting turned up on McCarthy and definitely on Ted Thompson.

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Is it bad that I don’t believe that Brandon Spikes came to the coaches and wanted to suspend himself for the entire game against Vandy this weekend for the eye gouge against Georgia? I just don’t believe a word out of Urban Meyer’s mouth. The guy is a sneaky, arrogant, snake-oil salesman. My guess is he saw the backlash of his pathetic excuse for a penalty, and he decided to manipulate the situation to make his dirty player look better for the public.

NFL Halfway Point Power Rankings - Saved By The Bell

Quick Happy Birthday to the Karate Kid – Danielsan, Ralph Macchio. He turns 48 today. And for my wife - it's Matthew McConaughy's birthday. He's probably celebrating by doing his favorite things......smoking his face off, hanging out with Lance Armstrong, and playing the bongo drums....in the buff. Strange dude.

Anyway.........This week’s rankings are broken down by one of the greatest shows of my childhood: Saved By The Bell. Once they finally got to Bayside High, and before they messed with the college years, the show was amazing. It had all the stereotypes of the supposedly typical high school – the class clown, the jock, the nerd, the cheerleader, the rich girl, the smart girl, and the hapless principle. Halfway through the NFL season, there is a very distinct line between the haves and the have-nots, with a pile of Jekyll & Hydes in the middle.

The Kelly Kapowski Category
Kelly was the “it” girl on the show – the head cheerleader, and the goal of every guy at Bayside High. And she was an utterly sweet girl, giving up her prom after her father lost his job, and the lead singer in the “Zack Attack” band. All the while maintaining her hotness wearing hideous baggy 80’s clothes and keeping us interested in her on and off relationship with Zack. After starring on the show, she went on to grow out of her clean image by getting a boob job and becoming a villain on 90210, but her real prime was being the reason for every fight between Zack and Slater. These are the dominant teams in the league that like Kelly, are the envy of every other beauty queen in the school.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – Another week, another impressive win for the Saints. I’m not sure the Saints can have a perfect season, especially considering they play the Patriots in a few weeks. Do you think Belichick might have his guys fired up to prevent that perfection? And speaking of perfection, I would say Reggie Bush’s girlfriend is a pretty perfect match for Princess Jasmine.

2. Colts (2) – The Colts continue to prove that they can win games even when they are not playing their best game. They are the most methodical team in the NFL, and just continue to do whatever it takes. Peyton Manning has a stranglehold on the MVP award at the halfway point of the season, with only Drew Brees within sight, a distant second.

3. Steelers (4) – Coming off a bye week they head to Mile High Stadium, and hopefully Ryan Clark is smart enough not to put his health at risk and doesn’t play in the high altitude.

4. Vikings (5) – They dominated the Packers, yet their defense still allowed the Packers to get back in the game, almost completely blowing a 24-3 lead. But they are in strong position to win the NFC North, and have a pretty good shot at having the NFC playoffs come through the Metrodome. Unfortunately for Vikings fans, that brings back memories of the 1998 NFC Championship game.

The Zack Morris Category
Zack was the star of the show, always a part of the show from inception in grade school, all the way through the college years. He was able to land the hottest girl on the show in Kelly during the prime years of the show, solidifying himself as “The Man” of the show. However, he was also a scheming kid and it always turned out that his schemes backfired, and he never quite made it to the top. Whether he was trying to rig the homecoming voting, fix Lisa’s mom’s car that they crashed drunk driving, or getting a midterm staged by having Screech call in a flood on that sweet, huge cell phone, he always had a plan to tip the scales in his favor. This is the next tier of teams that has the ability to be among the top teams, but also has the ability to have short periods when their schemes blow up.

5. Broncos (3) – I suppose we can’t be overly surprised by a loss to a Ravens team coming off a bye after losing three straight games. Then again, I picked the Broncos last week on Degenerate Friday, so maybe I can. But the Broncos are perfect Zack Morris team, always coming up with unique schemes, but it blew up on them last week.

6. Patriots (6) – The Pats welcome the surging Dolphins to Foxborough this week after their bye, and you have to believe that Belichick will have his squad prepared for the wildcat offense and the Ted Ginn return show. Brady and the Pats appear to be over their slow start and are again a team to be feared.

7. Eagles (9) – The Eagles pasted the Giants to prove that the loss to the Raiders was purely a one-week aberration. The Eagles and 76ers defeated NY teams during last weekend, but the Phillies couldn’t complete the Philly sweep by losing on Saturday and Sunday. The Iggles now welcome the surging Cowboys to town with a chance to fully take over the division lead. And McNabb reminds me of Zack in that they try to act like they are misunderstood, when in reality they’re both just doofuses.

8. Bengals (7) – Ochocinco spent his bye week clowning around every show on ESPN, as if he isn’t already overexposed. Now the Bengals face another stiff test with the Ravens coming to town and the Bengals have a chance to sweep Baltimore.

9. Ravens (14) – After their three game slide, they proved that they belong in the top 10 teams in the league by smacking the Broncos in the mouth. This was kind of like the episode when they discovered oil under the Bayside football field, and Zack proved he could use his pranks for good by spraying oil all over the executive to show how angry he was over an oil covered duck. The Ravens proved they can use their defense for good against a good Broncos team and will need it again against the Bengals.

The Mr. Belding Category
The bumbling principle, who always had his intentions in the right place, but he constantly fell for every one of the stupid pranks that his students pulled. With his dopey laugh and fake stern look that he tried to give Zack every time he screwed up again, Belding was a key character on the show – and moved from the middle school to the high school with the crew.

10. Cowboys (12) – We have to start taking the Cowboys seriously, as they are tied for the divisional lead, and have a chance to take it outright by beating the Eagles this week. However, can we really take them seriously when they have Wade Phillips as coach? The pudgy dope just stands there clueless on the sideline, unaware of which team is the one he’s rooting for. He’s like Joe Paterno 30 years ago.

The A.C. Slater Category
The stereotypical jock of the show, AC was always in conflict with Zack, and not just because of his Z-Cavaricci jeans. He had a long run of a relationship with Jessie Spano, but often spent time trying to get Kelly away from Zack. He was a basic meathead, yet something was missing (mainly the episode when he dressed in a leotard and danced around like a fairy – not that there’s anything wrong with that) to keep him from being the main star of the show. These teams are dangerous and strong, but have flaws that could be their downfall.

11. Falcons (13) – The Falcons continue to show they can play with the best teams in the league but seem to be missing that finishing ability. They look extremely good, but then do something to keep them from getting over the hump.

12. Giants (8) – One is a misstep, two is a problem, and three is a trend. After getting hammered in Philly, and giving up 40 or more points for the second time in 3 weeks, the Giants have serious flaws that need to be corrected, or they are going to find themselves out of the playoffs.

13. 49ers (18) – The Niners put on a respectable show against the Colts last week, but really need to beat the revitalized Titans at home this week. And can you see the resemblance between Mike Singletary and AC Slater’s military dad?

The Jessie Spano Category
Jessie was the resident smart girl on the show. Always the one who excelled in the classroom, and would get angry with Zack any time he compromised her studying or convinced her to take the easy way out. And who could forget her pill addiction when she was singing “I’m so excited!” However, that took on a whole new meaning when she decided to bare it all in Showgirls – particularly her performance in the pool. These are the teams that have hidden ability, yet you never know if you’re getting the nerd or the stripper.

14. Texans (17) – They are 2 games over .500 for the first time in franchise history, yet they will be hurt by losing their former Badger TE Owen Daniels. And what happened to Steve Slaton?

15. Packers (10) – They continue to beat the bad teams but lose to the good teams. This week it’s another bad team (Buccaneers), so Packer Nation will be feeling okay come Monday. Their o-line and Rodgers (for holding the ball too long) should get a sizeable part of Jared Allen’s pro bowl bonus.

16. Chargers (16) – Not completely dominating a Raiders team was another example of Coach Norv Roper’s squad not playing as well as they should or could. Now they cut former Badger WR Chris Chambers, and there are rumors that it was partially driven by his problems with a former girlfriend.

17. Cardinals (11) – That was a disheartening loss to the Panthers. They are the ultimate Jessie Spano/Elizabeth Berkley team. They perform on stage in NY, and then have a pill (turnover) addiction against the Panthers.

The Stacey Carosi Category
Stacey was the daughter of the summer beach resort owner that the entire crew worked at (with the exception of the rich girl Lisa, who was a member). She joined the show a little later on, after Zack and Kelly broke up, and she would challenge Kelly for the hot girl of the show. Yet, she had a rough side to her that could undermine her hotness, much like these teams that have some warts that can mask their talent. She went on to a very successful sitcom run, in a show where a fat, funny delivery guy way outpunts his coverage by being married to her.

18. Bears (19) – Smacked the pathetic Browns. Whoop-dee-doo.
19. Dolphins (21) - So returning two kicks for TDs is supposed to be redemption for losing your starting WR position? I don’t get it – no one ever questioned his ability to run. But the Dolphins are threatening to make a run at the division.

20. Jets (15) – Another disappointment against the Dolphins. The defense played well, and the offense generally played well. Unfortunately, there is that part of the game called special teams where the Jets got rocked. Time to stop talking and win some games guys – you’re 1-3 within the division.

21. Jaguars (20) – That Oompa-Loompa Jones-Drew couldn’t do enough to prevent the Jags from getting beat by the previously winless Titans. I guess the Jags got blindsided, like Zack when Stacey’s old boyfriend shows up and “pins” her as his girl forever.

22. Panthers (24) – Is Carolina finally turning the corner a little bit? Steve Smith was involved in the air, and the combo of DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart pounded it on the ground. Most importantly, Jake Delhomme wasn’t the turnover machine. Unfortunately for the Panthers, it’s going to be hard to build momentum when they have to go to New Orleans this week.

The Lisa Turtle Category
Lisa was one of the longest-running characters on the show along with Zack, yet she was always a side character that you wouldn’t have known if she was gone. She was the rich brat of the show, and the love interest for Screech. These teams are not good, yet they are hard to write off as among the worst teams in the league.

23. Seahawks (23) – They continue to be banged up, but they welcome the Lions to town this weekend, so they have a chance to feel better for a week.

24. Bills (22) – They spent money, like Lisa buying expensive clothes, on Terrell Owens, but they haven’t been able to find success. They realized that Ryan Fitzpatrick is not the answer at QB, so they’ll welcome Trent Edwards back from a concussion this week. Like it matters – they are not good.

25. Titans (29) – They showed some life with Vince Young under center last week, and now Chris Johnson is spouting off that they can win 10 straight games. Unfortunately for the Titans, their next 10 games aren’t all against the Jags. But they do have talent – this is still the team that won 13 games last year.

The Tori Scott Category
Tori was the tomboy who joined the show sometime in high school. She was a biker chick and always wore that leather jacket around, threatening to beat up guys. She had a fling with Slater and Zack, but overall was a useless character. These teams are also useless, but not the absolute worst.

26. Chiefs (28) – Their biggest concern right now is whether to ever welcome back Larry Johnson, because if they do, he’s very close to passing Priest Holmes as the franchise leader in rushing yards. And fans do not want that toolbox to hold any franchise records.

27. Rams (32) – By finally breaking their losing streak, I’ve rewarded the Rams with a bump out of the bottom category. But don’t misread that for anything other than a one-week exemption – this team still stinks, and needed a fake field goal to get one of their TDs.

The Screech Category
The clown of the show, he was book smart, but completely clueless when it came to social skills or girls. Thankfully Zack was always around to take advantage of him and show him how dumb he really was. Yet, Zack would never explain to Screech that zubas pants with a Hawaiian shirt was not a good combo. And let’s not even get into his career after the show, living in Wisconsin, claiming for bankruptcy, losing his house, and trying to drum up interest in his own sex tape. Like these teams, that’s disgusting.

28. Lions (25) – It was a major setback losing to the Rams last week. Maybe they have not progressed as far as we wanted to believe. But then again, the road back to respectability from 0-16 is a long one and will have bumps along the way.

29. Raiders (27) – They need to end the Tom Cable experience. It’s just another black eye and really hurts the credibility of the entire franchise – which says something because the franchise has taken many hits in recent years. They stayed with the Chargers, but listening to the post game quotes from Shamu Russell, he just doen’t get what it takes to be an NFL quarterback.

30. Redskins (30) – Thankfully the Skins didn’t play this week, so they didn’t have a chance to embarrass themselves and have more rumors about Coach Zorn’s job. This team actually resembles most of Screech’s outfits on the show – nothing matches. Sherm calling plays, Campbell throwing INTs, Zorn not really sure what to do, etc.

31. Browns (26) – They fired their GM this week, but that is not going to solve their problems. Owner Randy Lerner needs to hire a football guy and give him full control of operations, and get rid of Eric Mangini. The Browns have a great offensive tackle, a highly drafted QB, they had a pro bowl WR, and some defensive potential with Wembley, Barton, and the CB from the Ravens. Yet, they have no patience, and blew up the confidence of all of their young players. They are in complete disarray with no light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

32. Buccaneers (31) – Welcome to the bottom, Tampa Bay! And according to Coach Morris, their rookie CB was cussing at him because that’s just how they talk, not because they were angry and having a confrontation. Oh, yeah, I believe that. Ladies & Gentlemen, you’re 2009 Bucs!!!

Tuesday Ramblings - Batman, Cowards, Liars, Etc.

Manu Ginobli knocks a bat out of mid-air on Halloween night during a basketball game. However, what’s more amazing than his bat hunting is his bald spot in the back of his head. Dude is 28 years old and has the bald spot of a 60 year old. I mean, my forehead is expanding as my hair runs away from my eye brows, but not nearly as rapidly as Manu’s bald spot is attacking his head. Combine that with his deteriorating knees and ankles and maybe he’s like a Cuban baseball player and is actually 45 years old.

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So Brandon Spikes gets suspended for the first HALF of the game this week against Vandy for his eye gouge against Georgia? What a cowardly move by Urban Meyer. While Urban is a good coach, he’s a pompous d-bag as a person. For him to stand up there and lie that “we take this very seriously” and follow it up with a half game suspension? It’s like George Costanza’s “Was that wrong?” after diddling the maid in his office.

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Chase Utley is having a World Series for the ages. Unfortunately, it’s likely to be forgotten if the Yankees end up closing out the series. People tend to forget amazing performances by losing teams/people. But the dude is raking fastballs out of the park this series, with 2 more in game 6 last night. The best example was 2002, when Barroid Bonds hit 4HR, 13BBs, 22 Total Bases, 8 Runs, .700 OBP, and a 1.294 Slugging % - all among the top ten all-time in a single World Series.

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Not sure we’ll get to the point of a Game 7, but I’d say that Cole Hamels has created quite a firestorm with his comment that he just wants the season to be over. If you’re the other guys in the locker room, can you feel good if he takes the mound in a decisive game for the championship? You bust your arse all season and fight your way back from a 3-1 deficit in the World Series and then this joker is going to be the pitcher to determine whether you get a ring? And the fact that Brett Myers had to talk to him about his comments (whether or not it was “confrontational”) proves that the team is concerned he’s not all in, like the rest of them. Hamels could be on the fast track to the pitching career of Rick Ankiel – fast start, followed by even faster decline. Can Hamels play the outfield? The rumors are that his wife Heidi (originally of Survivor and Playboy fame) made him focus more on making money and doing endorsements than on improving as a pitcher. Then again, if the Yankees win in game 6, no one will remember that Hamels wanted to be a quitter.

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The Browns fired their GM, George Kokinis yesterday. Kind of like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. The question is whether it was a warning shot to Mangini or if it was Mangini throwing Kokinis under the bus? They have the 34th ranked QB in the league (there are only 32 teams), an old RB that already said he’s retiring after this season because he can’t take it anymore, and they traded their #1 WR after he got in a fight at a night club. They have the worst prospects for a turnaround than any team other than maybe the Raiders.

Now the fans are threatening to boycott the team and the owner has offered to meet with those fans that organized the boycott. Can you imagine how that conversation is going to go?

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Could the Oakland situation with Tom Cable get any worse? So far on Cable’s hit list…..a wife, a couple girlfriends and an assistant coach (allegedly). What’s next? And of course, when asked about it, he denied it. Until the police report was shown to him, then he suddenly remembered it, and remembered details including that it was an open hand. What a liar and a loser. I’m sure he feels like Roger Clemens and all these women must “mis-remember” what actually happened.

At least the Raiders used a big word in their statement about the situation to try and prove they aren’t idiots. “For reasons of privacy, we kept the basis for those dismissals confidential. We endured public OPPROBRIUM for the dismissals, all the while knowing our basis for them was appropriate.” What? I guess it means public disgrace or ill fame. And if that’s the case, the entire Raiders situation is an opprobrium.

Week 8 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Tip of the cap to Brett Favre. He played great, and is focused, controlled and not turning the ball over. The Vikings have a ton of weapons (memo to GB’s special teams coach: pack up your office. You’re fired. You couldn’t figure out how to keep the ball out of Percy Harvin’s hands?), and thoroughly dominated the game. And watching the game with Sal, I did correctly predict that there would be some waterworks from Brett in the post game interview on the field. Has to keep up that country bumpkin persona off the field.

- What a performance by Johnny Damon in the 9th inning last night. First the great at bat, fighting off pitches before slapping a single to left. Then a very risky move to steal second, and the intelligence to know he could outrun Pedro Feliz to 3rd base (Feliz was covering 2nd on a defensive shift). The runner on 3rd didn’t allow Brad Lidge to throw his best pitch – his slider – for fear of a wild pitch which would have scored Damon. Instead he has to go fastball, and A-Rod laces it to left. Say good night Phillies. Especially since your potential game 7 starter told reporters after he got shelled in game 3 that he couldn’t wait for the season to be over. Not exactly the eye of the tiger from Cole Hamels. And since no one wants to see a picture of Johnny Damon, here’s a picture of his wife.

- In addition to the Wildcat offense, maybe the Dolphins should find a way for Chad Henne to kick the ball to Ted Ginn when he’s lined up as a WR. He can catch a kick off, but he can’t catch a pass. And he can definitely run – 2 kickoff returns for TDs, 100 and 101 yards. Is it really vindication for getting benched for dropping passes to return kicks successfully? No one ever questioned his return ability. He still can’t catch a pass.

- Are we going to rev up the Vince Young hype machine now that the Texans finally won a game? He was able to move around in the pocket and keep plays alive, but he only had 125 yards on 15 completions. And Chris Johnson ran for 1,000 yards against the Jags. But they won the game, so I guess that’s what matters.

- The clubhouse leader for NBA rookie of the year after two games is Brandon Jennings of the Milwaukee Bucks. Given, it’s only 2 games, so there is a ton of time for him to come back to reality. But the dude looks like a legit stud. Dropping 20.5 ppg, 6 assists and 5 boards to start the season, and he almost put up a triple double in his first game. He’s a high-energy guy, and looks like he’s having fun. I’ve got the DVR set up to record the Bucks-Bulls game on Tuesday night

HATE

- Winners of the Paper Tiger Awards: Giants and Jets. The Giants look bad, and it’s possible that Eli Manning’s foot is worse than anyone knows and is the reason he’s sailing the ball long and turning it over like he’s back in his rookie year. The Jets lost because they couldn’t stop Ted Ginn on kick off returns, and the Dolphins defense returned a fumble for a TD. So Jets, after losing for the second time to the ‘Phins, time to give them some credit, right? Not for Calvin Pace, who continues to talk trash while playing for a 4-4 team that is 1-4 in their last five games. Time to shut up and win some games, fellas.

- Anyone notice Oregon is strangely making their way to the Rose Bowl? After eating USC’s lunch on Saturday night, they’re one of the most dangerous 1-loss teams in the country. And all anyone knows about them is they got embarrassed in the season opener by Boise State, their RB punched a dude after the game and their coach send a disgruntled fan a personal check refunding him for the tickets he bought to see them play bad. Oh, and they have the most ridiculous uniforms ever. Yet they slapped around mighty USC, and will be the Pac-10 rep in the Rose Bowl.

- Can we please stop talking about Iowa being in the hunt for the national championship? They are undefeated, but they stink. Had they been playing anyone other than a putrid Indiana team, they would have lost this week. Ricky Stanzi, quite possibly the best QB in the Big Ten by default, threw 5 interceptions in the game – 4 of them in the 3rd quarter alone – and they still managed to win by double digits. They are threatening to really mess with the BCS is they end up unbeaten.

- Well I figured one of the QBs in the Cardinals-Panthers game was going to be a turnover machine. I just didn’t figure it would be Kurt Warner, not Jake Delhomme. Warner had 4 INTs and a fumble, allowing the Panthers to keep themselves on the skirts of the playoff hunt.

- Brandon Spikes of Florida should be suspended for the rest of the season. He is a classless ass-clown. An obvious eye-gouging of the Georgia RB from a guy that is supposed to be the best linebacker in college? Did he think that he was suddenly a pro wrestler? And they were comfortably handling Georgia and the RB was a nobody, so what was he possibly thinking?


- I’m not one for Sci-Fi movies or television shows to begin with, but what is Bailey from Party of Five doing on that overhyped “V” show on ABC?