Before getting to this week’s rankings, a quick story……While I own no pets, I like dogs and I’m confused by cats, but I’m not going to treat them like Michael Vick….. I get in the elevator of my apartment building heading to the gym. The elevator stops a couple floors down, and a woman gets in with her little dog. A couple more floors down and the elevator stops for an older man and a woman carrying one of those animal travel crates. We all move over to make space and here is the interaction between the two women (Woman #1 with small dog & Woman #2 with the crate)
#1: “There’s room, get in.”
#2: “No, it’s okay…..well, okay.” (and gets in the elevator – there was plenty of space)
#2: “I just didn’t want him to see anyone or any pets and make any friends………..(at this point “him” meows and I realize it’s a cat)……It’s just that, well……(whispered in an extremely quiet voice) we’re putting him to sleep and I don’t want him to hear that we’re putting him to sleep or for him to make any friends right before we do.”
So…….wait a minute, lady. First, make any friends?!?!? What the….? And more importantly……..it’s a CAT!!! He DOES NOT understand when you talk to him!!! He does not know what “putting him to sleep” means, so you can say it, yell it, or use sign language. That cat is not going to know what you’re saying unless you have Sylvester the Cat in that carrier.
And quick baseball Divisional Series predictions:
Yankees in 3 over the Twins
Red Sox in 4 over the Angels
Cardinals in 4 over the Dodgers
Phillies in 5 over the Rockies
While watching the Twins-Tigers tiebreaker game, I saw a fat Twins fan – wait, I actually saw quite a few fat Twins fans. It is Minnesota. Anyway, the fan was wearing a Kirby Puckett jersey (another fat Minnesotan!), which got me thinking about the 1991 Twins team that beat the Braves for the World Series. So instead of tiers for this week’s NFL rankings, I’ve decided to assign each team a song from the Billboard Hot 100 at the end of 1991.
And after looking at these songs…..my first reaction was what terrible music was available. The 1990’s were off to a terrible start if these were the best songs of the year.
(1) Giants (last week: 1) – “Everything I Do (I Do it For You)” by Bryan Adams
Maybe they’re playing for Plaxico, or more likely, they’re playing for Tom Coughlin. He has them cruising along without a “go-to” WR – though their Steve Smith has been much more impressive than the other Steve Smith in Carolina. Even with Eli having a sore heel, they have the Raiders this week, so they'll only need him until halftime.
Side Note: Sal – I knew you’d love me leading off with this song…….takes me back to my smooth moves with the ladies in grade school.
(2) Colts (3) – “Unbelievable” by EMF
Pretty self-explanatory – Peyton Manning has been unbelievable and is far and away the leader for league MVP after a quarter of the season. If the defense can be average, they are capable of winning it all with Peyton spreading the ball around.
(3) Saints (4) – “Right Here, Right Now” by Jesus Jones
They now seem to have the defense capable of winning the Super Bowl. The past two weeks, they won by relying on a running game in week 3 and the defense in week 4. Oh and they still have a pretty good QB in Drew Brees. That’s a scary combo,
(4) Vikings (5) – “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd
This song is for Brad Childress’s love for Favre. The past two weeks with his play against the Niners and the Packers was the reason Chilly drove to the airport to personally pick up Brett & Deanna. And Childress has the beard of that weird guy from Color Me Badd…..but he definitely doesn’t have the hair to match.
(5) Patriots (7) – “Gonna Make You Sweat” by C+C Music Factory
Well the Pats definitely sweated out their victory over the Ravens until Derrick Mason dropped that pass which ended their chances. New England is not the juggernaut they were in 2007, but they are more of a grinding team this season. However, Brady seems to be getting more and more comfortable with each passing week, so the rest of the league should be nervous as he continues to get better.
(6) Ravens (2) – “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch
Despite the tough loss on the road to the Patriots, the Ravens remain one of the best teams in the league. Ray Lewis and his funky bunch on defense continue to physically intimidate teams, and the offense can put up points on the ground or through the air. And Ray’s postgame hat and speech remind me of the vain Mark Wahlberg giving a speech in The Italian Job.
(7) 49ers (12) – “Can’t Stop This Thing We Started” by Bryan Adams
Pounding on the pathetic Rams doesn’t mean much, but it confirms that this team is a Brett Favre miracle away from being unbeaten, and they will beat the teams they should. They’re already 3-0 in their division, which is basically insurmountable by any of the other turds in their division. The addition of Crabtree now that he has finally signed is a huge help, but it will likely be at least until the second half of the year before he can truly contribute.
(8) Jets (6) – “More Than Words” by Extreme
This team is more than just the words continually spewing out of Rex Ryan’s mouth. The defense held the Saints under control, and Sanchez had a rookie game, which led to the loss. Definitely a big move by acquiring Braylen Edwards this morning, and if Edwards can remove his head from his rear end and just play football, he could make a great team with Sanchez.
(9) Falcons (9) – “Rico Suave” by Gerardo
I really have no correlation between this song and the Falcons……actually Gerardo kind of looks like Tony Gonzalez with longer hair? Either way, after a bye week, the Falcons don’t move in the rankings.
(10) Broncos (17) – “Joyride” by Roxette
The Broncos are getting closer to me believing they are legit this year. Yet beating Romo Pyle and the Cowboys is not quite enough to convince me. Their defense has been very impressive, but they still have a brutal slate of games coming up, so enjoy the ride in the top 10 for this week.
(11) Eagles (11) – “Motown Philly” by Boyz II Men
Again, an obvious match using the Philly-based Boyz II Men. If only McNabb would return from his broken rib with sweet “shelf” hair like the guy from the Boyz II Men. No change in the rankings after a bye.
(12)Bears (14) – “Around the Way Girl” by LL Cool J
No real reasons for this match either, other than the fact that this might be my favorite song on the list and I had to find it a home. With all the attention on the Packers & Vikings, the Bears have quietly established themselves in 2nd place in the division and have been getting better each week.
(13) Steelers (15) – “Now That We Found Love” by Heavy D & the Boyz
Hopefully the Steelers have found their love for the running game and potentially a new workhorse back in Rashard Mendenhall. Maybe Mike Tomlin should pack on the pounds so he more resembles Heavy D? If their running game has returned, it’s just a matter of time before the Steelers return to their place among the league elite. Cupcake game this week against Detroit helps.
(14) Chargers (8) – “High Enough” by Damn Yankees
This ranking is definitely high enough for the perennial underachieving Chargers. They’re allowing the Broncos to build a pretty big cushion in the division and at some point, the fans in SD are going to return from the beach and realize that Norv Turner is not getting it done with the Chargers.
(15) Bengals (13) – “Winds of Change” by Scorpions
Just when you start to think that the winds have changed in Cincy and they are legit, they barely squeak by the hapless Browns. That said, they have actually been winning close games (with the exception of the Broncos miracle), which is a change from the old Bengals who always found a way to lose.
(16) Packers (10) – “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak
The Packers look good, like the video for “Wicked Game” but like the song itself, are not that good. Or you can use the comparison of watching Favre tear apart his old team and that being a wicked game. If the Packers can’t fix their offensive line problems quickly, they are going to plummet in the rankings and Aaron Rodgers is going to be way too friendly with the training staff.
(17) Cardinals (19) – “Fading Like a Flower (Every Time You Leave)” by Roxette
I actually don’t know this song at all, and even after listening to a preview on iTunes, I didn’t really remember it. No matter, as the title is fitting for the creaking QB, Kurt Warner.
(18) Texans (18) – “From A Distance” by Bette Midler
From a distance, the Texans look like they have all the pieces to be a playoff team. Up close, they are lucky to be .500 and have been a huge disappointment. Like most of the girls we chased at at Brothers………good from far, but far from good.
(19) Cowboys (16) – “Rush, Rush” by Paula Abdul
With the way Romo Pyle keeps turning the ball over, they should focus on their league-best running game. I’m not sure what to take away from the fact that they have the same record as the putrid Redskins.
(20) Jaguars (23) – “Things That Make You Go Hmmm” by C+C Music Factory
It makes me go hmmm that if you’re a guy with a hyphened last name and play in Jacksonville, you’re suddenly very good – Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker. Maybe this team is better than I thought.
(21) Dolphins (24) – “Promise of a New Day” by Paula Abdul
Game 1 of the 2010 Preseason went pretty well for the Dolphins and the Chad Henne Era with a smashing of the Bills. We’re now officially into the teams that have no hopes of the playoffs. Second entry from Paula Abdul on the chart. Hard to remember she went from being a Laker girl to a music star, then eventually had to deal with Simon Cowell.
(22) Bills (22) – “Iesha” by Another Bad Creation
This song was really just chosen for the group – and the similarities to the Bills offense in 2009. It has been a bad creation to try and put Trent Edwards, TO, Lee Evans, and Marshawn Lynch/Fred Jackson. Dick Jauron will not be back in 2010.
(23) Seahawks (20) – “Play That Funky Music” by Vanilla Ice
Maybe it’s the funky music, or funky air, or funky training staff that has caused the Seahawks to have the most banged up team in the league. I had predicted they would win their division, but much like Vanilla Ice’s career, they have completely blown up. Anyone else see a strange resemblance between Vanilla Ice and Kevin Federline? Not sure what it is – but Federline might be the Vanilla Ice of this decade without actually having a popular song.
(24)Panthers (25) – “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.
In honor of Jake Delhomme, who has lost religion as a QB. If the Panthers had anyone with any potential at QB on their roster, they would get their chance. But they don’t, so Jake will continue to hand it over to the other team.
(25) Titans (21) – “Where Does My Heart Beat Now” by Celine Dion
With the odds stacked very high against the Titans making the playoffs after their 0-4 start, it’s just a matter of time before they throw Vince Young in to see what they have. And I’m excited for it. Not that I think Vince Young will be effective – I don’t think an immature, overly emotional, guy with a demonstrated lack of intelligence can play QB successfully in the NFL. I’m excited to watch Jeff Fisher’s face as he realizes that if Young has any success, he’s going to have to deal with him as his QB for the next few years.
(26) Lions (26) – “Something to Believe In” by Poison
The Lions have shown that they do have something to believe in after beating the Redskins and playing with the Bears for a half. Hopefully Stafford doesn’t miss too much time, which would be a setback on the progress they’ve made. Poison may be one of the more underrated bands of the 90’s – in addition to songs like “Every Rose” and “Nothin’ But A Good Time” they also gave us the train wreck that is Brett Michaels. And VH-1 has filled many useless TV hours with his fat ramblings.
(27) Redskins (27) – “One More Try” by Timmy T
This is a great match of a sappy song about one more try for Coach Jim Zorn. I don’t know what to think of them because they have as many wins as the Cowboys. But they beat Tampa and St. Louis, 2 of the 5 teams below them in these rankings, so it’s almost like ½ of a win each.
(28) Browns (32) – “Cry For Help” by Rick Astley
Rick Astley is much better known for “Never Gonna Give You Up” but this is the song that was on the 1991 list and it fits for the Browns. They showed the slightest sign of life by taking the Bengals to overtime, yet they remain winless in the Mangini Era. Now they shipped Braylen Edwards to the Jets……yeah, maybe that’s why they stink. Or it could be that their coach is an overbearing control-freak who drives his players crazy.
(29) Chiefs (29) – “Someday” by Mariah Carey
The Chiefs have the youngest team in the league, so maybe someday they will be competitive. In the meantime, the Chiefs have to be wondering if they made a smart play in picking up Matt Cassell. He does not look anything like the guy who was successful when surrounded by overwhelming talent in New England.
(30) Oakland (28) – “3 AM Eternal” by The KLF
It appears that Al Davis is going to live forever, and there is no way the Raiders will ever be functional again while he is running the team. They are eternally hooked on a terrible QB in JaMarcus Russell (maybe he would have been the best connection to Heavy D), and their coaching staff is (allegedly) beating the crap out of each other. No decent coach in his right mind will go there while Davis is in charge and no free agent will sign there either. Think Richard Seymour is still excited to be a Raider and have went from Tom Brady to JaMarcus?
(31) Buccaneers (30) – “Crazy” by Seal
Raheem Morris must be crazy to think that Josh Johnson is an NFL-caliber QB. However, compared to Fat Albert (Leftwich) and Josh Freeman (who obviously is a tremendous distance from being ready), I guess what does he have to lose? And did you know Seal has a greatest hits from 1991-2004 album? Has he had any hits outside of that time frame? Unless you’ve had a 20 year career, I don’t think you need to break it out by time frames. Then again, he’s married to Heidi Klum……..he can do whatever he wants. He wins.
(32) Rams (31) – “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls
The Rams are averaging like 8 points per game, so the only way they are scoring is if they touch themselves.