Friday, December 11, 2009

Degenerate Friday - Week 14 - Christmas Vacation!!

Well the holiday season is definitely upon us, which means it is time to light a fire, dump some rum in the egg nog, and settle it to watch some great holiday movies. And we’re not talking movies like The Holiday, or Miracle on 34th Street. I don’t want some sappy story about some down on her luck hot girl suddenly finds some British dude that sweeps her off her feet. I want something that gets better and better as the rum from the egg nog kicks in. So while Elf is a hilarious movie, it still doesn’t quite have the perfect appeal of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. This week’s games are broken down by some of the best quotes from the movie. So Merry Christmas. S#itter’s full.

Standard disclosures as always: Recreational use only, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the NY Post, etc.

Clark: Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

Bills (Pick) over CHIEFS
I think Vegas just decided they really didn’t care who wins this game, and they didn’t want to waste any time trying to put a line on it. So I’m not willing to waste any of my time trying to figure out which team is going to win. Then again, ‘tis the season to be merry. That’s my name. No s#it?

RAIDERS (+1) over Redskins
Bruce Gradkowski has given the Raiders some belief that they can win, and they’ve played well at home, beating the Eagles, Bengals and Eagles. And since the game is in Oakland, it should definitely be hooter, errrr, I mean hotter than the nipply …..nippy weather on the East Coast.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f#cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white @ss down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse.

TITANS (-13) over Rams
The Titans bubble was burst last week with their loss to the Colts. The 6th seed in the AFC is likely going to get to 10-6 (the Steelers, Ravens, Jets & Dolphins are all 6-6 & Jacksonville is 7-5), and the best the Titans can do is 9-7. So they have to put on their jolliest smiles and hope someone falters. The Rams can’t stop the run, so Chris Johnson has a chance to post another 200 yard game.

Seahawks (+6) over TEXANS
The agent for Barry Bonds announced that Bonds will not play next season. That’s interesting because I thought the 31 major league GMs that didn’t offer him a contract told us the exact same thing last year. That same agent also announced that the Houston Texans will not be participating in the NFL playoffs this year.

Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

Jets (-3) over BUCCANEERS
Sometimes you have to wonder if Rex Ryan has a metal plate in his head the way he has handled the media and his rookie quarterback. With Kellen Clemens under center, the Jets will be going for the new world land-speed record almost exclusively with their rushing game. In their win last week, Clemens only attempted two passes in over a quarter of action. With Thomas Jones and Shonn Green, that’s all they’ll need to overwhelm Tampa Bay.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

PATRIOTS (-13.5) over Panthers
The weather is expected to be cold in Foxboro, and it’s not just the chill from the icy stare Belichick has been giving his team all week. Everyone is ready to write off the Patriots because they lost back to back games for the first time in 3 years, Belichick locked players out of practice for being late, and Tom Brady keeps talking about more effort. Well, that means they are officially starting to feel underappreciated and like underdogs – and that’s exactly what Coach Belichick loves. Now that Brady’s baby is born, it’s time to plow through to the playoffs. The Panthers will offer little resistance as they just want to get back home to the warmer climate in Charlotte.

Packers (-3) over BEARS
The Packers appear to have found ways around their leaky offensive line, and their passing game will be able to torch the Bears secondary. Jay Cutler threw four interceptions in week one against the Packers, and that was before they had found their groove in the newly installed 3-4 defense. This could get really ugly, really quickly. This will be the last time the Packers get to beat up on Lovie Smith as the Bears coach. And since it is Packers-Bears week, it’s probably time to remind everyone of why it must suck to be a Bears fan.

RAVENS (-13.5) over Lions
Well, now that the politicians have taken care of the really important things like trying to force a college football playoff, maybe they’ll have a little extra time to deal with the nation’s health care problems, or unemployment, or the Lions. And you wonder why everyone thinks politicians are full of hot air and that they are greasy weasels? Why was this voted on by a subcommittee of the Energy and Commerce Committee? Unreal. Anyway, back to the game – the Ravens are at home and hungry, with 3 of their 4 remaining games against teams under .500.

Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.

Cardinals (-3) over 49ERS
The quote applies to Mike Singletary, who has the heart and the emotion to be a great coach in the NFL, but he either doesn’t have the ability to get his guys to play correctly, or he doesn’t have the players capable of playing well. It might be a combination of both. The Cardinals have the heart and appear to have the brains as well based on the way their defense confused Brett Favre last week. I can’t see Alex Smith not struggling against the attacking Arizona defense.

Chargers (+3) over COWBOYS
Wade Phillips is the walking version of that quote. The players love him, and he seems like a good enough guy, but there are legit questions of whether he is smart enough to lead the Cowboys to success in the playoffs. Their schedule could easily lead to another December swoon. The Chargers are hotter than Brooklyn Decker on the beach and as hard as it is to imagine Norv Turner (who also fits the quote) leading a team deep in the playoffs, Phillip Rivers is trying his best to make that a possibility. He should be able to throw through the Cowboys secondary much the way Eli and the Giants did last week.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
COLTS (-7) over Broncos
Peyton and company have one more constructive week, and then they will have plenty of time to get Uncle Lewis his stogey. They have already clinched their division title, and a win this week they will clinch home field throughout the playoffs (they hold the tie breakers with the Bengals and Chargers). The Broncos have proven that their fast start was not a complete sham, but they are not on the same level as the Colts. Has anyone noticed that Joseph Addai is second in the league with 12 touchdowns in 12 games?

Saints (-10.5) over FALCONS
The Saints will keep their foot on the gas all the way through the regular season, and they get a break this week if Matt Ryan sits out again as expected. The Falcons have seen a promising start of the season fizzle away, as injuries have depleted the offense. After getting lit up like Uncle Lewis does to the Christmas tree by the Eagles last week, Atlanta will feel like Aunt Bethany’s cat after getting toasted by Drew Brees and the Saints.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Bengals (+6.5) over VIKINGS
The Bengals have been the biggest surprise of the entire season, and this pick does not mean that I am buying into the hype that Brett Favre has started his late season swoon. The Bengals have an aggressive defense similar to the Cardinals defense that threw Favre for a loop last week, and they have played their best games against the best competition. That will afford them the opportunity to keep the game close and possibly steal a win late. If the Bengals win this game they will have swept all their games against the AFC North and NFC North with a perfect 10-0 record. They are 0-3 outside the North Divisions, losing to Oakland, Houston and Denver, and their last 3 games are outside the North Divisions – San Diego, Kansas City & the Jets.

Dolphins (+2.5) over JAGUARS
I’m not sure I’ve picked a game right for either one of these teams all season. The Jaguars continue to find ways to win and the Dolphins have been inconsistent all season. If Jacksonville somehow makes it to the playoffs, they will be like Uncle Eddie in that no one really wants him around, but they will make for great comedy when they get blown out by the Bengals or Chargers.

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

GIANTS (-1) over Eagles
The Eagles signed on for successful regular seasons followed by flame outs in the playoffs through 2013 with the extension they gave to Andy Reid. Philly has won the last three games in this heated series, including the playoff win last year in New York. Yet when Tom Coughlin has his team focused, they will blast off like the Santa Claus lawn ornament at the end of the movie. Giants move into a tie for the division lead with the victory.

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