Wednesday, December 9, 2009

NFL Power Rankings - How I Met Your Mother

Tiger-free for two days and counting……

No big introduction to the NFL Rankings this week. The best comedy of the decade in my humble opinion is “How I Met Your Mother,” so the rankings are broken down based on the characters of the show. The show started out as a comedy/mystery about how Ted Mosby meets his eventual wife, and basically morphed into a modern, funnier version of Friends. Though we’re still mildly interested in how Ted actually finds his wife, it’s more entertaining to see what new schemes Barney can pull off. And word is that after the new year, Rachel Bilson will be joining the cast. The hits keep coming for the show.

This week’s biggest climbers in the rankings are the Dolphins and Giants. The biggest drop in the rankings belongs to the Steelers and 49ers. By the way…..there is a new “Snuggie” and it’s called “The Dreamie” – it’s a sleeping bag made of a sheet or fleece. People are dumb.

Barney Stinton Tier (Neil Patrick Harris)
Barney has become legend…….wait for it……….dary with his pick-up lines, and schemes that end up with some random woman leaving his apartment in a daze. There is no better word to describe Barney than “awesome” and he let’s you know in almost every episode. Thankfully they stopped that real relationship with Robin and can get back to showing him as the whiter, shorter, and less golfing-gifted, television version of Tiger Woods. (Dammit there goes the streak). These are the teams that keep us coming back to watch more football each week to see what they can do next.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – They should have lost to the Redskins and dropped out of this top spot. When Suisham missed that short field goal, it was like the Saints used The Force to push the ball out of the goal posts, which reminds me of a Barney Stinson quote: “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!!”

2. Colts (2) – The Colts have repeatedly said they will rest their starters once they clinch all they can clinch. That means we’re going to get some good Jim Sorgi time!!

3. Chargers (4) – They are on fire right now, and based on their past, they are probably the team that scares the Colts the most.

4. Bengals (5) – They haven’t blown out poor competition, but they continue to win games and with the Ravens and Steelers slip-sliding away, they are about to lock up the division.

5. Cardinals (7) – The Cards “suited up” for their prime time destruction of the Vikings and appear to be peaking at the right time. More important, their defense was more impressive than their offense.

6. Vikings (3) – Don’t overreact to one week. There were polls out there “Did Favre Hit the Wall?” and people expecting this to be the late season swoon from the Vikings. They lost their second game of the season to a very good team, on the road, and Favre had his first bad game of the season. Allow them an attempt to rebound before writing them off.

Robin Scherbatsky Tier (Cobie Smulders)
Robin plays the stereotypical “hot” girl of the show, with the girl-next-door good looks and great personality. She was the first girl that we started to believe could possibly be Ted’s eventual wife. Along the way, Older Ted referred to her as “Aunt Robin” so it was basically being told to us that she wasn’t the one. Yet we wanted to believe that she was better looking, and more likely to end up with Ted than she actually was. Which is why these teams fit in the category – we really want them to be “the one” team that can win it all, but they all have some fatal flaws that have been telling us all along that they will not win the crown.

7. Eagles (10) – Hard to tell if Michael Vick’s role is really going to expand or if Andy Reid jus threw him a bone for his return to Atlanta.

8. Packers (9) – Their defense is playing as well as anyone in the league right now, creating turnovers and controlling every game. I’m still not sold on McCarthy’s game management skills – his challenge of a sure TD against Baltimore left them without a challenge (they also challenged successfully earlier in the game) with more than a quarter and a half left in a close game.

9. Cowboys (6) – They have a brutal schedule ahead and they already lost their first game in December. The Cowboys are like the Anti-Santa Claus: they are around all year and disappear in December.

10. Broncos (13) – They’re the epitome of the Robin Tier, starting the season looking like the one, falling apart and giving it a go with the “naked man” at one point, and then getting it back together and making you think that maybe, just maybe, they have a shot. They don’t.

11. Giants (16) – Tom Coughlin has the ability to rally his troops when they are hanging by a thread. They’ve now swept the Cowboys, combining with their schedule to give them the inside track to knock the Boys out of the playoffs.

12. Pats (8) – They probably deserve their own tier – The Naked Man Tier. Because they appear to be desperately throwing a hail mary and consistently going for it on 4th down, proving that Coach Belichick has absolutely no faith in his defense.

13. Ravens (11) – Joe Flacco is suffering through a sophomore slump, and it is putting the Ravens’ playoff hopes on the rocks.

14. Dolphins (21) – The Dolphins have the look of Robin, really good at times, but other times, not so much. You never know if you’re going to get the good or bad Robin and you never know which Dolphins team will show up each week. Maybe it’s because she’s Canadian – in the show and in real life.

15. Jets (17) – Speaking of Canada, the Jets are the kings of Canada. Kind of like Robin’s Canadian pop star days, it’s meaningless.

16. Jaguars (20) – They keep winning, so they can’t be ignored. Well, except by all of their fans in Jacksonville.

Stella Zinman Tier (Sarah Chalke)
Stella was the girl from Scrubs who because a regular on the show as Ted’s dermatologist-turned-girlfriend-turned-fiancé. She started off with some rough baggage, having a 6 year old daughter, and living in Jersey. She then captured our hearts and made it all the way to the wedding day before flaking out and leaving Ted at the altar. Kind of reminds me of……..

17. Titans (15) – Started off with some baggage, got super hot and everyone was talking about them running the table. Then they hit the Colts buzz saw and their back with their old boyfriend “losing streak”.

Ted Mosby Tier (Josh Radnor)
Supposedly the main character of the show, as the entire show is based upon Ted finding his future wife. Ted goes through some tough transitions in his life with women and his jobs/career. You want to root for him because he does appear to be a really good guy, but at the same time, he has some of that desperation quality that makes it pretty obvious why women run away. They want to see some confidence and some spontaneity, and Ted has been lacking in both. These teams lack the confidence and despite a lead role, they have fallen to an also-ran level.

18. Falcons (14) – They cannot go far without a healthy Matt Ryan. And Ryan is not healthy, as his Sergeant Hulka (see the movie Stripes if you don’t get the reference) is banged up.

19. Steelers (12) – After losing to the Chiefs and Raiders, the problems must be bigger than just Troy Polamalu.

20. Texans (18) – They should take a lesson from Ted’s two-minute drill, when he wooed Stella because he was a closer. They lack the ability to close, and Gary Kubiak will be fired as a result.

Marshall Eriksen Tier (Jason Segel)
Marshall provides the physical comedy as the quirky friend, and is also part of the married couple on the show with Lily. The stories very rarely focus on Marshall, but he has the ability to dominate a show for a few minutes with some great lines, a singing about what he’s doing.

21. Panthers (23) – Benching Jake Delhomme had to help, but it was against the Bucs, so it’s hard to tell if it really means anything yet.

22. Seahawks (26) – They showed some life by beating the 49ers, and might be singing a song about the arrival of Mike Holmgren in the near future.

23. Bears (22) – Marshall is from Minnesota and is a huge Vikings fan, so he would probably be disappointed that the Bears are in his tier. But that’s what happens when your offense has disappointed, and the team will be looking for a new head coach after the season.

24. 49ers (19) – Losing to the Seahawks to crush any hopes of the playoffs? I guess they’re still the Niners.

25. Raiders (28) – They have been playing well with Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback, and it might have saved Tom Cable’s job. I can see the Cable household resembling Marshall’s family, with a bunch of oversized dudes who like to rough-house.

26. Redskins (25) – Washington is playing much better and they could play spoiler in determining who wins the NFC East.

Simon Tier (James Vanderbeek)
One of my favorite episodes was Simon’s appearance as Robin’s childhood crush. He grew up in Canada with Robin and was in a band and Robin was his groupie. He makes a trip to New York as an older, fatter Canadian still trying to play in the band. Robin still has a crush on him, and answers whenever he would call, “Eh, babe.” until he once again leaves her without explanation.

27. Bills (24) – The part Canadian team in the NFL did not exactly put on a great show for their new fans. And why would they give up an outdoor home game in December when the potential for cold weather could be beneficial for them?

Lily Aldrin Tier (Alyson Hannigan)
Lily is Marshall’s wife, and usually the attempted voice of Barney’s conscience. I’m not sure what it is about her, but she annoys me. Maybe it’s that she is manipulative and always scheming to make things right according to her world. I don’t know, but she has a nasty temper, and I rarely am entertained by her comedy. Yet, she works as part of the show, and it’s a good role for her.

28. Chiefs (27) – The Chiefs are the Slap Bet Commissioner of this sorry group of teams, and each team below them should get slapped for being incompetent.

29. Lions (29) – Lions fans can remember their two wins this season like this one time… band camp………C’mon, did you really think I would leave that out of any time I mention Alyson Hannigan? It’s just a requirement.

30. Buccaneers (30) – Josh Freeman had his “Mark Sanchez” moment last week, with 5 interceptions. They have been competitive, but still have quite a bit of work to do.

31. Browns (32) – Maybe the Browns don’t need to draft a quarterback. If they would put down the QB-hook and allow Brady Quinn to go through the learning process (like the Lions are doing with Stafford, the Jets are doing with Sanchez, and the Ravens are doing with Flacco), he might just prove that he is as good as he was projected to be.

32. Rams (31) – They should apply for a painting fellowship in San Francisco and go away for three months. That would save their fans the embarrassment of the rest of the season.

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