We interrupt the parade of Tiger’s mistresses for the weekly NFL Power Rankings.
Before we get to this week’s NFL Power Rankings, I need to vent about dudes at the gym. A couple quick rules that everyone should know, but obviously they don’t. They don’t really apply to women because let’s be honest, guys are going to see you as the motivation for their workouts, and you can wear or do anything you want at the gym. But for the dudes:
1. If your shorts are so short that your johnson would hang out if you were hung more than a light switch, you shouldn’t be wearing those shorts in public.
2. No pants while working out. Sweat pants are only to be worn while watching football at home, on the way to the gym over shorts, or when you’ve given up on life.
3. Use a towel – on the benches when you’re lifting and on the benches in the locker room after your shower.
4. Four Words: Sandals. In. The. Shower.
5. Spend more time doing your workout than walking around and flexing in the mirror.
Last weekend, many people traveled home for the Thanksgiving holiday, leading to sleeping in your childhood bedroom. It can lead to awkward moments if you bring home your spouse, or significant other, and then have to share your twin bed underneath your poster of Carmen Electra. Or maybe your room has been converted to an office for your father, so you’re sleeping on an air mattress, and you know what magazines your dad keeps in that lower drawer of his desk. Or possibly you’re staying with your in-laws and you and your wife get to sleep in your brother-in-laws room because the bed is bigger and he has to sleep on an air mattress or a couch in the basement with the dog that can’t control his bowels at night. No matter what the situation is and how much you enjoy spending time with your family, you’re longing for the comfort and amenities of a nice hotel room.
Which leads us to this week’s rankings, with the teams broken out into categories based on hotels within the Starwood group…….well almost all within the Starwood group. I’m a loyal Starwood guy, having built up a million points through work travel and the Starwood Amex card. Maybe I can get them to sponsor the site if I give them any more praise…………..so on to the rankings. This week’s biggest climbers are the Broncos (+7), Ravens (+5) and Jets (+5). The biggest falling team is the Jaguars (-7).
The St. Regis Tier
The nicest of the hotels in the Starwood family, the St. Regis is their answer to the Four Seasons. Top of the line everything, well-appointed hotels in fantastic locations. These are the top teams, the class of the league and the teams with the best chance to win the Super Bowl. Watching these teams and staying at these hotels are enjoyable and a nice luxury.
1. Saints (last week: 1) – They dominated the Pats and need to watch out for a letdown against the plucky Redskins this week. Don’t trade down from your spot with a Swedish model to a Vegas skank or two, Saints. And that’s probably good advice for everyone, Tiger and all of us out there, don’t fall for skanks from Vegas.
2. Colts (2) – They have come from behind in the fourth quarter to win in five straight games. It seems like that’s a dam waiting to break. But when you have a guy like Manning under center, the team never loses confidence in their ability to win any game.
3. Vikings (3) – They are dominating average competition and are making Vikings fans think of 1998……well at least until they choked in the NFC Championship.
4. Chargers (5) – They’ve won 6 straight games, and Phillip Rivers has the offense racking up points. They have taken command of their division and are now playing the way many of the pundits believed they would play all year.
5. Bengals (7) – They bounced back from their disappointment in Oakland, and with Larry Johnson grinding out 100+ yards, they now have a dangerous three-headed monster in their backfield. So the decision on which back to give the ball to is probably similar to the decision Tiger had to make with every trip to Vegas with Michael Jordan.
The Le Meridian Tier
It is a trendy, prestigious hotel with a European flavor. It sounds good to tell your friends you were at the Le Meridian, because of that name flair. However, when you take a little deeper look, there’s something strange about the “Le” in front of the name. First, it’s French, meaning it’s weak and probably going to surrender. Or look at other things that tried the “Le” trick, like the Le Car from Renault. How did that work out? These teams are strong teams that can beat anyone in the league, but they have a “French” component to them.
6. Cowboys (8) – Well we made it to December, so it’s time to see if Romo Pyle turns into a pumpkin yet again. The Boys are 8-3 and leading their division, but does anyone believe Wade Phillips will be back next year?
7. Cardinals (6) – The Cards can’t take too big of a hit for losing to the hot Titans on the last play while playing without Kurt Warner. Their offense is still dangerous and their defense is playing pretty well.
8. Patriots (4) – They are now 0-4 on the road (technically the Bucs game in London was a “road” game, but that doesn’t count), and their defense cannot stop a legit offense. Yet they are going to cruise to the division title, meaning one home game before having to face the Bengals or Colts (as of now) on the road.
9. Packers (10) – Why did the Packers not give a call to former Packer and Saint Mike Mckenzie (who was unemployed) as a potential replacement when Al Harris went down for the season? Oh yeah, because Teddy Thompson already ticked off The Predator and sent him out of town a few years ago.
10. Eagles (11) – Philly continues to stay in the hunt for the NFC East title despite Andy Reid’s over-coaching. And their young playmakers are getting more experienced every week.
11. Ravens (16) – It was a major statement win for the Ravens to beat the Steelers, even with Dixon at quarterback. And Ray Rice has shown what an electric talent he is, particularly on that 4th down catch putting the team in position for the tying field goal in regulation.
12. Steelers (9) – They don’t take too big of a hit for losing to the Ravens with Dixon at QB, but they do take a major hit because of the locker room friction between Roethlisberger and Hines Ward. Mike Tomlin has his hands full explaining that Big Ben was being responsible about his melon and not being a wimp.
W Hotel Tier
The W Hotel chain is always extremely trendy and the place for the party crowd to stay in an ultra-modern room with futuristic furniture. The W also typically will have the best lounges and clubs within the hotel. It’s the place to find celebrities who like the limelight, like when we stayed at the W in Westwood, CA (just outside LA) and say Ted Danson, Hines Ward, Takeo Spikes, James Farrior, Limas Sweed, Dhani Jones and Bridget from the Girls Next Door.
13. Broncos (20) – They dominated the Giants on Thanksgiving, which may have been as much of a statement about the Giants as it was about the Broncos. Josh McDaniels has his mother f@#kers back on the right track. (if you didn’t hear/see it, Josh dropped a very audible MF on the NFL network broadcast on Thursday night)
14. Falcons (15) – How do you think Atlanta will welcome Mike Vick to town on Sunday? Unfortunately, they need to be more concerned that their new franchise quarterback, Matt Ryan, will not be playing.
15. Titans (17) – They are dangerous, and on the verge of getting back to .500 at 6-6 if they can beat the Colts. And with Young playing with renewed confidence and Chris Johnson on pace to set records, it is definitely a possibility.
16. Giants (12) – The defense still can’t stop anyone, Eli Manning’s foot continues to bother him, and the offensive line can’t open any holes for Brandon Jacobs. So why does Justin Tuck think they’ll make a run at the playoffs?
17. Jets (22) – Rex Ryan brought in Joe Girardi to teach Mark Sanchez how to slide. Can he bring in Derek Jeter to teach Braylen Edwards to catch?
18. Texans (14) – I’m not sure that the Texans can save Gary Kubiak’s job. He has taken the team as far as he can, but he obviously hasn’t been able to teach them how to close teams out. Matt Schaub needs to learn the value of not turning the ball over.
19. 49ers (21) – They kept themselves on the fringe of the playoff picture, and Alex Smith continues to make a case that he could be an average quarterback in the NFL.
The Westin Hotel Tier
The Westin is a step above basic. Not flashy, not fancy and not overly expensive. It is a very nice hotel to stay at for business or vacation. These are the teams that no one is bragging about, but they can provide some entertainment. Unfortunately for a few of these teams….ahem, Bears & Panthers, many of those highlights are of the other team picking off yet another pass.
20. Jaguars (13) – This is the worst team in the league with a winning record. They have been outscored 61-3 in their two trips to Seattle and San Francisco. Awful.
21. Dolphins (18) – That was a bad loss to the Bills, but again, they are the Dolphins. The Wildcat offense is streaky, and the Dolphins are a .500 team at best.
22. Bears (23) – Lovie Smith is now coaching every week for his job. And the name that makes the most sense is Mike Shanahan after the Bears clean out Jerry Angelo as well.
23. Panthers (19) – Jake Delhomme is like a box of chocolates, because you never know what you’re going to get. Another 4 interceptions last week against the Jets and John Fox continues to hang onto the sinking anchor. Good luck as a coordinator next year, Mr. Fox.
The Sheraton Hotel Tier
The Sheraton is the basic hotel. Nothing is fancy and it is nowhere near luxury, but it has all the basic things you need, like a bed, a gym, and likely a pool. There aren't too many creepy people staying there, and likely that the shower was cleaned this month. It is no luxury to watch these teams play, but with the college football regular season wrapping up, it is nice to still watch football. And well, most of these teams are just a step above the best college teams.
24. Bills (27) – They snuck up and bit the Dolphins, giving their interim coach his first win. The interesting thing is that suddenly TO has emerged under the new coach from a season-long slumber. Is he trying to prove that he he still has a little bit left in the tank?
25. Redskins (15) – They have been playing better lately, and appear to be playing hard. But it’s likely just players playing for a contract next season and showing off for other teams so they can hopefully get out of the toxic situation in Washington.
26. Seahawks (29) – They beat the Rams. Celebrate like Pete Carroll after running up the score on UCLA!!
27. Chiefs (24) – Royals & Chiefs. At least Kansas City can celebrate that they make a mean barbeque.
The Motel 6 Tier
This isn’t a Starwood property, but it’s much more fitting for these teams at the bottom of the barrel. They’ll leave the light on for you, which is what these teams hope they can see at the end of a very long, and very dark tunnel.
28. Raiders (26) – They are utterly unwatchable. It’s about time to start guessing what player they will reach for in the draft next year. Maybe they’ll take the kid from Florida who just got busted for DUI for sleeping at the wheel of his car at a stop light. Seems like perfect Raider material.
29. Lions (28) – Words that Daunte Culpepper should apply to his playing ability: “It is better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
30. Buccaneers (30) – They’re playing hard and have been competitive, which should be enough to keep Raheem Morris around for another year.
31. Rams (31) – Steven Jackson leads the league in carries for a team with the worst record in the league. Interesting and unlikely given how often they have been trailing. The last time the league leader in carries was on a team with a losing record was 1987, when Charles White led the league for the 6-9 Rams.
32. Browns (32) – Eric Mangini has managed to stay out of the headlines the last few weeks, which may help him with that very slim chance of keeping his job past the end of this season.