Degenerate Friday - Week 5

Have you ever had that moment when you get too lazy to crop dust, so you just let one go in your office? Without fail, the office “talent” always stops by within 30 seconds to show off her new engagement ring to your complete horror and embarrassment. That’s the moment when you realize you stink. Both figuratively and literally. Well, that has to be how Ted Thompson is feeling right now in Green Bay. He stayed in his office instead of making a move for Marshawn Lynch, and then the Vikings stop by to show off their shiny new toy, Randy Moss. Now Teddy is left in his office smelling his own turds.

Last week was a solid 8-6 week, putting me at 32-26-4 on the year. Not spectacular, but good enough to feel better than Ted Thompson.

The standard disclosures apply: for recreational purposes only, lines from the NY Post, home teams in CAPS, etc.

This week the games are broken down by the different stops in Randy Moss’s career.

The Vikings (Part I) Phase

Randy’s first stint in Minnesota was full of ups and downs – setting rookie records for touchdowns and gently tapping a traffic cop with his car. These are the games that have potential to be good games despite having any real power teams involved. And obviously with Randy’s fake moon during this part of his career, there is no question the 49ers game has to be in this category because of Mike Singletary’s allegedly de-pantsing himself at halftime of a game last year.

BROWNS (+3) over Falcons

The Falcons are 3-1, yet without a Garrett Hartley shank and a Nate Clements brain fart, they’d be 1-3. They have not shown the offensive fire power that was expected of them. The Browns have battled to stay close in all of their games, and they may have found a stolen gem in Peyton Hillis. Mangini fights off the sharks for a second straight week.

RAIDERS (+6) over Chargers

San Diego has feasted on bad teams thus far, and they get another one in the Raiders. Yet something tells me the Raiders will finally show some progress, even with Michael Bush filling in for McFadden. Zach Miller should be able to run wild in the secondary against the Chargers linebackers.

49ERS (-3.5) over Eagles

Is Vegas disrespecting Kevin Kolb that much by making him and the Eagles a 3.5 point dog against the winless Niners? Probably. Is it deserved? Yup. Kolb has looked awful – timid, noodle-armed and overmatched in his limited playing time. Time for SF to get off the winless train at home against the punchless Iggles.

The Oakland Raiders Phase

Disinterested, lazy, distraction, non-factor, irrelevant. All words that can describe Moss’s time in Oakland and these games. Moss is second all-time in receiving TD’s (behind Jerry Rice) and imagine the stats he could have put up if he actually made an attempt to play hard or had an adequate quarterback during the years he wasted in Oakland.

Jaguars (-1) over BILLS

This might be the Bills best chance to avoid coming close to 0-16. Did I mention Ryan Fitzpatrick is the quarterback? It could be a classic letdown game for the Jags after their big win against the Colts, but they still have more playmakers with hyphens than the Bills.

PANTHERS (+2.5) over Bears

Is it really a question whether or not to bet against Todd Collins? The last time he started a game was in 2007, and he was old and washed up then. The Bears have won with smoke and mirrors thus far this season and the wind blew away the smoke and the mirror is one of those “fat mirrors” from the circus.

LIONS (-3) over Rams

The Rams are leading their division and still underdogs against a winless team. Such is life in the NFC West. Lions have been competitive all season and finally break through with a win.

Saints (-6.5) over CARDINALS

The Saints are a lifetime 87-5-1 when playing against a team that cut a former first round quarterback before the season, benched their awful backup, and are starting an undrafted rookie in his first start. That seems like a made up stat that I don’t want to go against.

The Patriots Phase

The resurgent Randy reappears and starts setting records again. Suddenly the locker room cancer that got run out of Minnesota and mercifully traded from Oakland was a great teammate, consummate professional and a key cog on successful teams. Yet that dream didn’t last.

TEXANS (-3) over Giants

Which Giants team will show up? The one that hammered the Panthers? The one that got hammered by the Colts? Or the suffocating defense that destroyed Jay Cutler? Will it be the Texans team that tamed the Colts? Or the team that had to scramble to come from behind against the Redskins? Or the team that got ripped up by the Cowboys? I guess I’ll side with the home team.

Chiefs (+8) over COLTS

Am I really going against a ticked off Colts team at home against a potentially fraudulent 3-0 young Chiefs team? Yup, 8 points is too much for a team that can’t stop the run against a team that has a potent running attack with Thomas Jones & Jamaal Charles.

Vikings (+4) over JETS

While there is no doubt that Tom Brady throws a better deep ball than Brett Favre, and Moss is not as adept at the jump ball as he once was, Randy will still make a difference and be an outlet for the wiener-sexting old gunslinger. There is the possibility that Moss catches 2 TDs and Favre throws 4 interceptions in every game. The inspiration of thir new acquisition will be enough to overcome the loud-talking Jets on Monday night.

The Minnesota (Part II) Phase

This is either going to be boom or bust. It’s either going to be like Marisa Miller or it’s going to be current Madonna. There will be no in between. These games could be gems like the Halladay no-hitter or the Lincecum 2-hitter (which by the way, I might argue that Big Time Timmy Jam’s game was more impressive as it came in a 1-0 game and he had 14 K’s – a MLB postseason debut record) Or these games could end up a complete disaster, like a James Shields start for the Rays.

BENGALS (-6.5) over Buccaneers

This seems like quite a bit of points to lay against a 2-1 team coming off a bye week by a team that just lost to the Browns. Yet the Bengals play much better at home and the 2-1 team is the Bucs. Case closed.

Packers (-2.5) over REDSKINS

This is my least confident pick of the week. The Packers lost another safety and linebacker Nick Barnett to season-ending injuries this week. Add that to the emotional let down of not picking up a key running back and knowing they have the least intimidating running game in the league. Yet the Redskins do not have the playmakers to take advantage of the huge holes that will be in the Dom Capers defense.

RAVENS (-7) over Broncos

Baltimore’s offense seems to be finding a little bit of rhythm and it will be much easier against the Broncos than it was against the Steelers. The Broncos definitely won the Cutler-Orton trade, but they won’t win in Baltimore.

COWBOYS (-6.5) over Titans

Tennessee continues to struggle establishing the run and they don’t have a legit passing game to fall back on. As a result, the Cowboys can get back to .500 and right back in the hunt to win their extremely average division. After the game, Jeff Fisher might put on a Tony Romo jersey, since if the Cowboys falter this year, Wade Phillips will be fired and Jeff Fisher will be the top target for Jerry Jones.

Weekend Hangover: Love/Hate

LOVE

- Has there ever been a more ridiculous ending to a college football game than the LSU-Tennessee game this weekend? LSU got down to the 3 yard line with under 30 seconds left and was completely confused and out of sorts trying to call a final play. With the clock about to run out, the center snapped the ball past the quarterback who fell on the ball to seemingly give the Vols the win. Only during the confusion of LSU substituting players and not knowing what play to call, the Vols were flagged for having 13 guys on the field. LSU got another chance and punched it in for the game winning touchdown with no time on the clock. A finish that was more unbelievable than Cristina Del Basso of Big Brother in Italy. Rumor has it that she is another of Tiger’s birdies. Wow.

- I love all the overdone hype surrounding the picture of Gisele at some European event and possibly kissing a dude that isn’t Tom Brady. There are so many possibilities and explanations that don’t involve a scandal or anything illicit. I mean, Gisele is Brazilian and they are all about kisses on the cheek for greetings and departures. Is it really a stretch to think that the guy just pulled a middle-school trick and turned his face at the last minute so she planted one on his lips? My brother asked me the most pertinent question that can be applied to this situation or the Dez Bryant dropping 55k on dinner: Wouldn’t you? If you were that guy and got that close to Gisele or if you were Dez Bryant and could afford to take an entire football team out to a steak dinner, wouldn’t you?

- That sound you heard on Sunday was the Vick hype train jumping the rails and going down in flames faster than Mel Gibson’s career. I haven’t seen how long Vick will be out, but the Eagles definitely need him. Kevin Kolb looked scared and weak-armed as he took over the Eagles and couldn’t lead them back against McNabb and the Redskins. The other lesson learned from this game: The NFC East is wide open because all of the teams suck. The Eagles were feeling good because they beat the Lions and the Jaguars. This week showed their defense is awful. The Redskins have two wins within the division, but have lost their two games outside the division.

- I love the slobber-fest that continues over Denard Robinson. Yes, he put up more video-game-like stats this week and just looking at the stats, he has to be the Heisman front-runner. Yet if you watch the game, he is not a very good passer and Michigan struggled to put away a poor Indiana team. Read the post game summaries and they talk about how he “heaved a high-arching pass to Hemmingway” for 42 yards which set up the game-winning touchdown. The reality is that he threw a terrible jump ball and Junior Hemmingway made a spectacular play to outjump and come down with the pass. At the end of the day, all that matters is that the Wolverines remained unbeaten after a win on the road, but at some point Michigan is going to play some competent defensive teams and when they do, it will be interesting to see how Robinson plays.

HATE

- Dear Ted Thompson, congratulations on building a championship contender in Green Bay. You have a top 5 quarterback, top 5 tight end, top 5 wide receiver, top 5 cornerback, top 5 linebacker, and adequate offensive and defensive lines. However you have a glaring hole at running back that needs to be addressed if this team is going to win a championship. I know you love draft picks more than I love Kelly Brook in a low-cut shirt, but this should be an easy decision. Give a call to Buffalo and see what draft pick they want for Marshawn Lynch. A 5^th rounder? Sure. A 4^th rounder? Sure. The lack of running game leaves the defense on the field for too much time, which tires out our talented veterans like Charles Woodson and Cullen Jenkins. Swallow your pride and fix the problem you created by not having more than Brandon Jackson behind Ryan Grant at the beginning of the year. This isn’t hard, Ted. You messed up when you didn’t get Randy Moss, so don’t be an ass-hat on this one. Make the call and make the deal. Sincerely, Trent

- Another big game for a Bielema-coached Wisconsin team, and another disappointment. Coach Alvarez used to excel at getting his teams up for the biggest games and they would come out with focus and energy in all of their toughest road games and difficult opponents. Coach Bielema just doesn’t seem to get the best out of his teams. He has an unbelievable amount of talent with studs like James White, Lance Kendricks, JJ Watt and he can’t seem to put it all together to get the most out of his teams. On Saturday, Michigan State beat the Badgers by doing exactly what the Badgers used to do with teams: pound them with the run game which opens things up for the passing game.

- I’m going to miss Mike Singletary’s post games quotes. Wait, he hasn’t been fired yet? Give it time, as there is no way he makes it through the rest of this season. He tried to deflect the shots by firing Jimmy Raye before this week, but now the scopes are set on the legendary linebacker. His press conferences are awesomely intense and his quotes are memorable, but unfortunately it has not translated to any on-field success.

- It sure seems like the Oregon Ducks should be considered for a spot in the national championship game if they continue to play the way they’re playing currently. At least I think so, but it’s hard to tell because I couldn’t watch the Oregon-Stanford game even if I wanted to because of the ridiculous television programming decisions made by Time Warner and ABC. Instead of watching a match up of two top-ten teams in prime time in one of the loudest stadiums in the country, ABC decided that the northeast would rather watch an awful Notre Dame team against an even-worse Boston College team. Are you friggin’ kidding me? Do you want to know why there is an east coast bias by voters? They can’t actually see the best teams because of the morons at ABC who still can’t get it through their heads that Notre Dame hasn’t been relevant in 15 years and NO ONE CARES about them. I don’t need to see another Notre Dame game for the next 5 years and I guarantee I won’t miss anything of importance.

Degenerate Friday - Week 3

Computer issues saved you from losing money with my 8-8 picks last week, so you’re welcome for that. Now we’re on to the next week, where teams find themselves on the verge of losing their seasons before they hit the one quarter mark of the season. Are we ready to make conclusions about teams? Probably not. Remember last year when Josh McDaniels and the Broncos started 6-0 before the bottom fell out? So let’s not get too ahead of ourselves after just a few weeks and then be surprised when the truth comes out. Kind of like the categories for the games this week….celebrity surprises during the past couple weeks.

Standard disclosures apply: Picks are for recreational purposes only, spreads from the NY Post, and home teams in CAPS.

The Paris Hilton Tier

Paris was rejected from Japan this week. Not a major surprise, but then again, it was surprising that she was wearing clothes and wasn’t on a boat.

PATRIOTS (-14) over Bills

What happened to that dynamic CJ Spiller guy who was wearing a Bills jersey in the preseason? The Bills offense has been absolutely horrendous, so while this is a ton of points to lay, it may only take three scores by the Patriots to cover. So when Chan Gailey says that he doesn’t see much difference between Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick, is that an insult to both of them?

Raiders (+4) over CARDINALS

I have been playing the Raiders all season and they’ve yet to pay off. Is this the week with Bruce Gradkowski at quarterback? Considering he’s up against the worst quarterback in the league outside of Buffalo in Derek Anderson, I think it is. Is Larry Fitzgerald going to snap after yet another pass sails 5 yards over his head?

SEAHAWKS (+5.5) over Chargers

Chargers laid the lumber last week to Jacksonville and their offense seemed to find the rhythm they couldn’t find in the rain in Kansas City in week 1. So laying 5.5 against a Seattle team that lost to Denver last week shouldn’t be a problem, right? Wrong. Just like Paris Hilton, when the light is shined on them at the right angle (on the road in Seattle), the Chargers have some significant flaws and will be missing Ryan Matthews who has a banged up ankle.

Colts (-5.5) over BRONCOS

Peyton Manning will let you know when it’s safe to bet against the Colts, and after last week’s dismantling of his little brother, the Colts look ready to roll. Add to that the emotional week the Broncos have just had with the death of one of their wide receivers, and Denver could not have found a worse opponent.

The Demi Moore Tier

Ashton Kutcher was busted for cheating on Moore with an extremely average looking girl. Are we surprised that Kutcher is an idiot? He made his career by acting like an idiot on That 70’s Show, acting like an idiot on Punk’d, and being a cougar-hunting idiot. Maybe he was just never acting….

Lions (+11) over VIKINGS

Let me get this straight. The Lions have lost on a terrible call to the Bears and by 3 to the Eagles, and they’re suddenly giving double digits to an 0-2 team that has scored 19 TOTAL points in two weeks? There is a reason the casinos are so big in Vegas, but this is not one of them. The Old Gunslinger hasn’t found a WR he can trust and the difference of philosophy between him and Coach Childress continues to widen.

RAVENS (-10.5) over Browns

Despite the Ravens offensive woes to start the season, the best medicine is playing against the woeful Browns. The Ravens have gone up against the tough Jets defense and the underrated Bengals defense, so their struggles have been blown out of proportion. And I didn’t even have to mention that Seneca Wallace is starting again for the Browns.

Bengals (-3) over PANTHERS

Welcome to the NFL, Jimmy Clausen by taking on a Bengals defense that ate pre-season darling Joe Flacco’s lunch last week. Clausen struggling in his debut is less surprising than J-Woww posing in Playboy. Doesn’t it seem like Hugh is overpaying for her pictures? Would it really take more than a bottle of booze and a couple of compliments whispered in her ear?

Eagles (-3) over JAGUARS

Michael Vick is the Boston Cream donut in the Eagles locker room and Andy Reid can’t get enough. He’s so in love with his Boston Cream that he has smashed the chocolate sprinkles donut that he’s been telling everyone he loves for the past 6 months. And that came after he dumped his first love – the Long John donut because it kept making him choke. Maybe Reid just likes donuts.

Redskins (-3.5) over RAMS

So do we look at the Redskins team that build a 17 point lead against the dangerous Texans or do we look at the Redskins team that blew a 17 point lead against the dangerous Texans? I don’t know, nor do I care. What I do care about is that a spread of barely over a field goal against one of the worst teams in the league should be covered.

The Randy Quaid Tier

Did you see the story where Randy and his wife were arrested for squatting in a house they used to own? Uncle Eddie has definitely fallen on some tough times and he sure looks like it’s been a long, strange journey.

CHIEFS (+2.5) over 49ers

The 49ers are coming off a game in which they played very well against the Saints, but playing in Kansas City is a different story. While Matt Cassel has played awful, the Chiefs will need to rely on their special teams and running game to generate points.

Titans (+3) over GIANTS

Lost in all the attention that the Jets have generated the past few weeks is that the Giants are not very good. They were able to beat a terrible Panthers team despite turning the ball over more times than Lindsay Lohan returns to rehab. Then they got splattered by the Colts. The Titans crushed the Raiders and then were shut down by what has thus far been the best defense in the league, the Steelers. Look for Chris Johnson to get back much closer to his 2500 yard pace.

Steelers (-2.5) over BUCCANEERS

It doesn’t matter who the Steelers start at quarterback as long as their defense remains as good as they have been. The Josh Freeman leading the young Tampa squad is a nice story, but beating Carolina and Cleveland hardly gives them a boost in the BCS standings.

Jets (+2) over DOLPHINS

This might be the toughest game of the week to pick. The Jets are kind of like Randy Quaid, highly entertaining, but you have to wonder if there are some serious problems behind the outward shell. The Dolphins are 2-0 and can build themselves a nice little lead in the division with a win over the Jets, but they have feasted on a poor Bills offense and a struggling Vikings offense.

The Kelly McGillis Tier

This was the shocker of the week. Kelly was everyone’s favorite military flight instructor in the 80’s blockbuster, Top Gun, and she got married this week…to a woman. I mean, it really kind of changes all the news you have heard recently about “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

SAINTS (-6) over Falcons

Even without Reggie Bush, the Saints offense has a ton of weapons. The Falcons hammered the Cardinals last week and they are at home, but I think the Saints will have recovered from their trip out west in time.

TEXANS (-3) over Cowboys

I really can’t imagine the Cowboys starting the year 0-3. Then again, I never imagined Kelly McGillis playing for the other team – not that there’s anything wrong with that. The Texans have won their first two games, first with a dominant running game and then with a dominant passing game. Look for them to light up the Cowboys in Houston.

Packers (-3) over BEARS

The Bears have proven to be legit thus far, and winning at Dallas last week was impressive. Yet it’s starting to be apparent that the Cowboys may not be as good as we expected, so it does come with a grain of salt. And the Bears should have lost in week 1 to Detroit. If the Packers can generate any kind of running game to keep the Bears defense honest, expect Green Bay to blow them out. Will Ted Thompson finally make a trade for a running back? Here’s a great read about his failed attempts to get Randy Moss a few years back, which makes you think that TT may not be able to trade for Marshawn Lynch like he should.

Week 9 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Thankfully we no longer have to worry about Iowa crashing the BCS championship. Losing to Northwestern? Ouch. While I don’t believe Ricky Stanzi is a great quarterback by any stretch, the guy is a gamer, and it’s obvious that the team is not the same without him. After he left the game with an ankle injury, the Hawkeyes had no chance. And yet they still can play their way to the Rose Bowl (where they will get demoralized by Oregon) by beating Ohio State.

- Congrats, Mr. & Mrs. Squirrel on a great wedding this past weekend. Great to catch up with everyone. And it was a classic Midwest wedding in that there was a mullet sighting, at least one guy wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a tie, and a few people that were as wide as they were tall (and at least a few of them were cops, so I should probably leave it at that). Oh, and of course, a polka.

- The Bengals are a virtual lock to make the playoffs and are potentially a threat to win the AFC. They’ve now swept the Ravens are 4-0 within the AFC North, which many thought was the best division in football. They pounded the Ravens with their running game, as Cedric Benson went over 100 yards against the supposedly tough and angry Ravens defense for the second time this season.

- As strange as it sounds, the Titans appear to be much better with Vince Young at QB. It’s not that he’s putting up magical yardage numbers, but the team is responding with him under center. He has a passer rating of 83 and is averaging less than 150 yards in his starts, but he ran for a TD as the Titans won their second consecutive game. Now here’s where it gets interesting for the owner, Bud Adams. If the team continues to win with Young, is Jeff Fisher more or less on the hot seat? He was the coach who went with Kerry Collins to start the season, and he was the coach who was reluctant to go to Young until the owner demanded that the former #3 pick get some playing time. Now that they are winning, his record looks better, but his error of not starting Young from the beginning looks more and more glaring.

- The Brewers traded JJ Hardy to the Minnesota Twins for young CF Carlos Gomez over the weekend. The move frees up Alcides Escobar to be the starting shortstop, and guarantees the team will not be resigning Mike Cameron, which frees up a considerable amount of payroll. If that money is used for much-needed starting pitching, I think it could be a great trade for the Brewers. They were not going to get much value for a .229 hitting SS that everyone knew the Brewers no longer wanted. And Gomez is a young player with vast potential, as he was one of the key cogs in the trade that sent Johan Santana to the Mets a few years ago. This gives the Brewers the potential to have an extremely fast and athletic line up with Escobar, Gomez and Ricky Weeks all able to put pressure on opposing teams with their running game. The real question is whether Ken Macha will utilize that speed or if he will continue to try and rely on the HR as the sole source of offense.

HATE

- Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your 2010 coach of the Green Bay Packers, Jon Gruden!!! There needs to be wholesale changes in Green Bay after this season. Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy need to go. And the special teams coach should have been left in Tampa Bay to find his own way home. The team has talented players at the skill positions, but the game plan is about as exciting as watching Lauren Conrad on the Hills – nothing ever happens, and there is no creativity or excitement. The offensive line is worse than an average big ten team, but they don’t do anything to help Rodgers get rid of the ball faster – roll him out, stick with a 3 step drop, draw plays, etc. Tampa Bay sacked Rodgers 6 times and had 3 interceptions. This was a complete abomination and embarrassment, and a reason for a complete overhaul.

- How is that Jay Cutler experience working out in Chicago? About as well as Katherine Heigl’s movie career. The Bears were blown out by the Cardinals yesterday, and while Cutler hasn’t been the biggest problem, the team is in trouble. Has the team quit on Lovie Smith? Time for Chicago fans to start thinking about whether Luol Deng and the Bulls. Then the Bulls will fall out of contention by April, and false hope for the Cubs can begin again. The cycle continues……

- Does Mike Singletary’s “Mr. Furious” routine have an expiration date? Are we past it? It seems possible that he had his team too high to start the season and the team has regressed and went from 3-1 to 4-5. And Alex Smith definitely has not revived his career based on this week’s 3 INT performance.

- Not sure what to even say about this video from a women’s college soccer game. This is the dirtiest, most ruthless thing I’ve seen in a really long time. She should have been thrown out of the game at least 4-5 times.