Thursday Thoughts - Theme Songs for the Final Eight NFL Teams

Before we get to today’s collumn, I have to come clean. I used a performance-enhancing substance all during high school, college, and continue to use it on many Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings to help recover from hangovers. It was Gatorade. What? You don’t think that’s a performance-enhancing substance? Then you didn’t hear The General, Bobby Knight, discussing Mark McGwire. That was the dumbest comment I’ve heard since the Miss Teen USA pageant in 2007.

So there are a ton of stories about teams using some cheesey song as their motivational theme song in almost every sports. The 2005 Chicago White Sox used Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” to celebrate their success. The Red Sox use “Sweet Caroline” to rally their crowd before the bottom of the 8th inning every game. And of course, the University of Wisconsin gets the Camp Randall football stadium going crazy at the end of every 3rd quarter by blasting “Jump Around.” Therefore I determined that each of the 8 teams remaining in the NFL Playoffs needs a theme song for the team and their fans to rally around. A few rules: (1) It has to be an old song, (2) it has to be cheesey, and (3) it has to be fitting for this year’s team and playoff run. Starting in the NFC………………

New orleans Saints: Wilson Phillips – “Hold On”
The Saints have just been holding on ever since that Monday night game when they blew out the New England Patriots. They limped to the finish line after winning their first 13 games and they need the motivation of that chubby girl rolling around on the beach reminding them to hold on. And can’t you see Jeremy Shockey belting this out in the locker room? I think they've had complete makeovers and don't look as awkward now, but when they wrote and performed this song, I'm not sure what they were thinking - why is she wearing that hat?

Minnesota Vikings: Bill Withers – “Just the Two of Us”
This one is perfect for Head Coach Brett Favre and his assistant Brad Childress. Well, I guess it also could be Brett & running back Adrian Peterson if we want to keep the focus on the field, but I think it’s a better fit for Chilly & Brett. I mean, the Vikings can only go as far as Favre takes them, and that means they need their coach and quarterback to be on the same page, holding hands and belting out this Bill Withers classic. Did you know Bill Withers also sings “Lean On Me” and “Ain’t No Sunshine”? Never heard of the guy before, but those are some classic songs. And well, a picture of Bill Withers is pretty dull, so let's not waste our time there. Instead, let's go with a picture of Megan Fox from her recent ads for Armani. I think I'm on my way to buy something Armani immediately. Or maybe just buy a DVD of one of her movies, you know they're on clearance.

Dallas Cowboys: Hootie & The Blowfish – “Hold My Hand”
Even though Hootie is a self-proclaimed Dolphins fan, the opening lyric of this song makes it the rallying cry for the entire Cowboys season. “With a little love, and some tenderness We'll walk upon the water We'll rise above this mess With a little peace, and some harmony We'll take the world together…” The Cowboys have removed the drama of T.O. from their locker room and have focused on a team mentality with Tony Romo spreading the ball all over the field. And since Hootie has transitioned over to country music, the Dallas fans will be comfortable when this song is played in Jerry’s Palace.

Arizona Cardinals: Rod Stewart – “Forever Young”
While another over-the-hill quarterback has gotten the spot light most of the season, now that it’s playoff time, the old man in Arizona deserves the spot light. Kurt Warner is among the best playoff quarterbacks in history, and he proved it again last week against Green Bay. The guy is forever young and has a 9-3 record in the playoffs during his career. His accuracy and command of the offense have been impeccable in the playoffs and are the only reason he’s in the conversation for the Hall of Fame. And I’m trying to avoid making the comparison between his wife’s new hair and Rod Stewart’s hair but you can judge for yourself.

In the AFC………………….

Indianapolis Colts: Kenny Loggins – “Danger Zone”
The Colts entered the Danger Zone when they decided to pass on a shot at a perfect season and rest their starters. And they’re facing a Ravens team that would have beat the Colts in Indy during the regular season if their kicker had made a chip shot field goal. Now they enter the playoffs without the momentum they had built in the first 14 games of the season, and they’re going to need the same motivation that Kenny Loggins provided for Tom Cruise so he could sit on a couple of phone books in the cockpit to see out the front window and become a Top Gun pilot. Can’t you imagine Peyton putting on the aviator sunglasses and singing along?

San Diego Chargers: The Rolling Stones – “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”
No matter what the Chargers do, they are always an afterthought relative to the Colts, Saints or Vikings. Yet the Chargers have won 10 straight games and have the most potent offense in the league as the only team to score a minimum of 20 points in every game this season. Phillip Rivers had a tremendous season, but was a distant afterthought in the MVP voting. Norv Turner has been a joke his entire head coaching career in the playoffs so we’ll see if he can change that perception and get the satisfaction of some respect with some playoff success.

New York Jets: R. Kelly – “I Believe I Can Fly”
Coach Rex Ryan really has his team believing they can do absolutely anything. At this point, he’s been right, so if he told them they could fly, there is a pretty good chance at least a handful of them would jump off the roof of the practice facility. The Jets believe they can fly by grinding it out on the ground and occassionally airing it out on play action……before Braylen Edwards drops it. I think it would be worth paying admission to see Rex sing this song to his team in the lcoker room.

Baltimore Ravens: Michael Jackson – “Beat It”
The Ravens have found success by beating the snot out of teams on the ground, similar to the Jets. The Ravens also have the guys on defense with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Terrell Suggs that will beat up the offense of opponents. The line that is the most applicable to how the Ravens play from the classic MJ song is “They’ll kick you. They’ll beat you. They’ll tell you its fair.” And we can all agree that seeing Ray Lewis in that awesome red zipper jacket would bring the team together to be able to win the next couple games on the road. And Joe Flacco and Ed Reed would have to be the guys behind Michael who engage in the knife fight…………trying to avoid the easy Ray Lewis knife jokes……….

So there you have it…….and apologies in advance for putting all those songs in your head. They will be there the rest of the day. The Hootie song has stayed with me since I decided to use it……..and I can’t shake it.

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The Knicks claim they lost their game in Oklahoma City the other night because the hotel they stayed in was haunted. The legend is that a woman had an affair with the owner, then jumped from the 10th floor window with their baby in her arms. So of course Eddy Curry stayed on the 10th floor and only slept 2 hours because he spent most of the night in Nate Robinson’s room. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I think the Knicks have more reason to blame the ghosts of Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury and Allan Houston for their losses than some ghost in Oklahoma City.

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If We Knew Then What We Know Now........2009

First things first – the most important health news you will receive – EVER. You’re welcome.

LATE ADD - Thursday NFL Pick:
Colts (-3) over JAGUARS
Coach Caldwell wants to rest his players and the players want to go for the undefeated season. Something tells me the Colts will blow up the Jags early in an attempt to put the game away before Caldwell can take them out.

As we begin to wrap up 2009, instead of listing off the top movies or songs or albums or something of the year, I decided to take a little trip back in time. So hop in the Delorean with Marty McFly, fire it up with one-point-twenty-one jiggawatts of power and let’s set the destination to January 1, 2009. Let’s look at things we were pretty certain of at that time, and how they ended up playing out during the year. And next week I’ll come up with the things we believe at the end of 2009.

Belief #1: Brett Favre is retired and going to (finally) disappear into the vast farmland of Mississippi. After trying to force his way to the Vikings, Brett ended up with one poor season in New York hampered by a torn bicep, and it appeared pretty obvious to everyone that his tank had run dry and that he would finally hang up the cleats for good.

End of Year Reality #1: Favre did in fact retire in February 2009, blubbering like a little baby and telling ESPN that “there is no chance” he’ll play football again. Yet we all saw the ridiculous circus that ensued, with Favre denying that the Vikings had reached out to him, then eventually having his driver, Coach Brad Childress, pick him up from the airport. Favre is now among the favorites to win the league MVP, leading Minnesota to an 11-2 record. While some may have predicted the return to the game, very few people expected him to play as well as he has. Level of Surprise: Kim Kardashian Sex Tape (intriguing, but not really surprising)

Belief #2: The Arizona Cardinals were lucky to sneak into the playoffs by winning a terrible division, and would quickly be eliminated by the 11-5 Atlanta Falcons. The Cardinals won the putrid NFC West early and coasted the final weeks of the season. They looked like easy prey for Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and the Falcons.

End of the Year Reality #2: The Cards got hot in the playoffs, squeaked by Falcons, flattened the Panthers on the road, and beat the Eagles in Phoenix to advance to the Super Bowl. Suddenly the Cards offense was among the most dangerous in the league and their defense was playing as well as any team in the league. The end result was they were a few seconds, inches and an amazing Santonio Holmes tip toe in the endzone from being the Super Bowl champs. Kurt Warner was making you seriously consider him as a potential Hall-of-Famer, completing a comeback that could only be rivaled by the turnaround his wife made from resembling Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics (look her up kids) to being kind of a sneaky snicky. Level of Surprise: Carrie Prejean Sex Tape (we knew she had it in her)

Belief #3: Tiger Woods was coming off knee surgery, primed to continue his assault on Jack Nicklaus’s record 18 majors. He won the 2008 US Open on one leg, so there was no doubt that he would be able to rehab quickly and continue to dominate the PGA Tour. And as if his professional life didn’t seem good enough, he had a Swedish model for a wife with one beautiful kid and a baby due in a few months.

End of the Year Reality #3: He won 7 events on the tour and took home his second FedEx Cup championship. For almost 11 months, the year had gone exactly how you would have expected for Tiger. However, there was a reason he was so big on privacy, as his entire empire eventually collapsed around him due to his “transgressions” with a harem of women, concerns over his extreme gambling habits and most recently potential ties to a Canadian doctor with hook-ups for HGH. He has become the butt of numerous jokes using the slogans of many of the products he endorsed:

“Is it in you? It’s in every skank in town!” (Gatorade)
“Just Do It! Literally!” (Nike)
“Go On Be A Tiger – In the Bedroom!” (Accenture)
“The Best a Man Can Get – A Perkins Waitress, Really?” (Gillette)

He’s taken an indefinite leave from golf as his wife has moved out with the kids and she is parading in public without her wedding ring. His endorsements are drying up and he’s not speaking to his celebrity friends. No one ever could have predicted this. Level of Surprise: Tiger Woods Scandal (his own level at the very highest of surprises)

Belief #4: In December 2008, the Yankees signed C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett to fix their pitching woes and help them pass the Red Sox and Rays for the AL East title. As of January 1, they were just in talks with Mark Teixeira, to join them. With a rotation of CC, AJ, Pettite, Wang, and Joba, they were expected to pitch their way to the title.

End of Year Reality #4: That’s exactly what happened. The team added Teixeira to bolster the offense, and in the playoffs they switched to a 3-man rotation, relying solely on Sabathia, Burnett & Pettite through the playoffs. Despite Alex Rodriguez admitting to using steroids and missing the early part of the season to recover from hip surgery, he started dating Kate Hudson, settled down and became clutch. Level of Surprise: Liberace and Clay Aiken playing for the other team (duh)

Belief #5: Tim Tebow and the Florida Gators were preparing to take on the Oklahoma Sooners for the national championship in Miami. Tebow was as powerful and unstoppable as the Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials. The question was not whether he would win the championship, it was whether he would come back for his senior season, win another Heisman Trophy and a win a third championship.

End of the Year Reality #5: Tebow and the Gators did win the championship on January 8th and Tebow did come back for his senior season. Yet everything changed when Taylor Wyndham of Kentucky came free late in a blow out game and knocked Tebow unconscious, sending him to the hospital with a severe concussion. Suddenly he was human, there was renewed concern about his ability to play quarterback at the next level and it became clear that he was a great leader, but not among the best players in the country. He came back to play in two weeks and still was a finalist for the Heisman (finishing 5th), but the team lost their chance at a National Championship, and the aura of Tebow was broken. Level of Surprise: Jessica Simpson broke up with another boyfriend (inevitable at some point)

Belief #6: Michael Jackson had disappeared from the public radar and had become a reclusive star. There were rumors of financial trouble when he sold his Neverland ranch, and rumors of failing health when he was seen in a wheelchair. However, there was no reason to believe there would be any news around him.

End of the Year Reality #6: Michael came out in February and announced he would be doing 10 “curtain call” concerts in London. At 50 years old, he began preparing himself to put on the shows. Unfortunately, on June 25th Michael Jackson went into cardiac arrest and died, surrounded by questions regarding his personal doctor and the care and prescriptions he was receiving. The public outcry of emotion and tributes to the King of Pop continued for several months and included him posthumously collecting a handful of American Music Awards. Level of Surprise: Betty Draper finding out about Don’s secret life (no one’s rooting for it, but it was going to happen at some point)

Bonus Belief: Obama was about to take office, walk on water, bring together both parties, stop the war, solve the economic woes and fix world hunger in his spare time. The expectations were through the roof for a young politician coming out of the dirty political pool that is Chicago and Illinois.

End of Year Bonus Reality: We’re still waiting. Other than having “Cash for _______” programs, he has more rounds of golf played than problems solved. Obviously most of these problems are not quick-fixes, but we’ve seen his approval rating sink faster than Jay Leno’s ratings. I think his only campaign promise that he kept was when he said he wanted a playoff in college football, and the Senate subcommittee actually voted on it. (sorry to get political, but it is what it is) Level of Surprise: Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame Speech (suddenly falling off the pedestal)