Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thursday Thoughts - Theme Songs for the Final Eight NFL Teams

Before we get to today’s collumn, I have to come clean. I used a performance-enhancing substance all during high school, college, and continue to use it on many Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings to help recover from hangovers. It was Gatorade. What? You don’t think that’s a performance-enhancing substance? Then you didn’t hear The General, Bobby Knight, discussing Mark McGwire. That was the dumbest comment I’ve heard since the Miss Teen USA pageant in 2007.

So there are a ton of stories about teams using some cheesey song as their motivational theme song in almost every sports. The 2005 Chicago White Sox used Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” to celebrate their success. The Red Sox use “Sweet Caroline” to rally their crowd before the bottom of the 8th inning every game. And of course, the University of Wisconsin gets the Camp Randall football stadium going crazy at the end of every 3rd quarter by blasting “Jump Around.” Therefore I determined that each of the 8 teams remaining in the NFL Playoffs needs a theme song for the team and their fans to rally around. A few rules: (1) It has to be an old song, (2) it has to be cheesey, and (3) it has to be fitting for this year’s team and playoff run. Starting in the NFC………………

New orleans Saints: Wilson Phillips – “Hold On”
The Saints have just been holding on ever since that Monday night game when they blew out the New England Patriots. They limped to the finish line after winning their first 13 games and they need the motivation of that chubby girl rolling around on the beach reminding them to hold on. And can’t you see Jeremy Shockey belting this out in the locker room? I think they've had complete makeovers and don't look as awkward now, but when they wrote and performed this song, I'm not sure what they were thinking - why is she wearing that hat?

Minnesota Vikings: Bill Withers – “Just the Two of Us”
This one is perfect for Head Coach Brett Favre and his assistant Brad Childress. Well, I guess it also could be Brett & running back Adrian Peterson if we want to keep the focus on the field, but I think it’s a better fit for Chilly & Brett. I mean, the Vikings can only go as far as Favre takes them, and that means they need their coach and quarterback to be on the same page, holding hands and belting out this Bill Withers classic. Did you know Bill Withers also sings “Lean On Me” and “Ain’t No Sunshine”? Never heard of the guy before, but those are some classic songs. And well, a picture of Bill Withers is pretty dull, so let's not waste our time there. Instead, let's go with a picture of Megan Fox from her recent ads for Armani. I think I'm on my way to buy something Armani immediately. Or maybe just buy a DVD of one of her movies, you know they're on clearance.

Dallas Cowboys: Hootie & The Blowfish – “Hold My Hand”
Even though Hootie is a self-proclaimed Dolphins fan, the opening lyric of this song makes it the rallying cry for the entire Cowboys season. “With a little love, and some tenderness We'll walk upon the water We'll rise above this mess With a little peace, and some harmony We'll take the world together…” The Cowboys have removed the drama of T.O. from their locker room and have focused on a team mentality with Tony Romo spreading the ball all over the field. And since Hootie has transitioned over to country music, the Dallas fans will be comfortable when this song is played in Jerry’s Palace.

Arizona Cardinals: Rod Stewart – “Forever Young”
While another over-the-hill quarterback has gotten the spot light most of the season, now that it’s playoff time, the old man in Arizona deserves the spot light. Kurt Warner is among the best playoff quarterbacks in history, and he proved it again last week against Green Bay. The guy is forever young and has a 9-3 record in the playoffs during his career. His accuracy and command of the offense have been impeccable in the playoffs and are the only reason he’s in the conversation for the Hall of Fame. And I’m trying to avoid making the comparison between his wife’s new hair and Rod Stewart’s hair but you can judge for yourself.

In the AFC………………….

Indianapolis Colts: Kenny Loggins – “Danger Zone”
The Colts entered the Danger Zone when they decided to pass on a shot at a perfect season and rest their starters. And they’re facing a Ravens team that would have beat the Colts in Indy during the regular season if their kicker had made a chip shot field goal. Now they enter the playoffs without the momentum they had built in the first 14 games of the season, and they’re going to need the same motivation that Kenny Loggins provided for Tom Cruise so he could sit on a couple of phone books in the cockpit to see out the front window and become a Top Gun pilot. Can’t you imagine Peyton putting on the aviator sunglasses and singing along?

San Diego Chargers: The Rolling Stones – “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”
No matter what the Chargers do, they are always an afterthought relative to the Colts, Saints or Vikings. Yet the Chargers have won 10 straight games and have the most potent offense in the league as the only team to score a minimum of 20 points in every game this season. Phillip Rivers had a tremendous season, but was a distant afterthought in the MVP voting. Norv Turner has been a joke his entire head coaching career in the playoffs so we’ll see if he can change that perception and get the satisfaction of some respect with some playoff success.

New York Jets: R. Kelly – “I Believe I Can Fly”
Coach Rex Ryan really has his team believing they can do absolutely anything. At this point, he’s been right, so if he told them they could fly, there is a pretty good chance at least a handful of them would jump off the roof of the practice facility. The Jets believe they can fly by grinding it out on the ground and occassionally airing it out on play action……before Braylen Edwards drops it. I think it would be worth paying admission to see Rex sing this song to his team in the lcoker room.

Baltimore Ravens: Michael Jackson – “Beat It”
The Ravens have found success by beating the snot out of teams on the ground, similar to the Jets. The Ravens also have the guys on defense with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Terrell Suggs that will beat up the offense of opponents. The line that is the most applicable to how the Ravens play from the classic MJ song is “They’ll kick you. They’ll beat you. They’ll tell you its fair.” And we can all agree that seeing Ray Lewis in that awesome red zipper jacket would bring the team together to be able to win the next couple games on the road. And Joe Flacco and Ed Reed would have to be the guys behind Michael who engage in the knife fight…………trying to avoid the easy Ray Lewis knife jokes……….

So there you have it…….and apologies in advance for putting all those songs in your head. They will be there the rest of the day. The Hootie song has stayed with me since I decided to use it……..and I can’t shake it.


The Knicks claim they lost their game in Oklahoma City the other night because the hotel they stayed in was haunted. The legend is that a woman had an affair with the owner, then jumped from the 10th floor window with their baby in her arms. So of course Eddy Curry stayed on the 10th floor and only slept 2 hours because he spent most of the night in Nate Robinson’s room. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I think the Knicks have more reason to blame the ghosts of Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury and Allan Houston for their losses than some ghost in Oklahoma City.


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1 comment:

  1. I'd go with Bob Dylan's "Forever Young" instead of the quasi-ripoff that Stewart recorded (and helped write). And do yourself a favor and listen to some Bill Withers.