Week 12 Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- Tiger Woods huddled with his best public relations and legal team and decided that no one needs to know what happened when he crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree at 2:30 in the morning. And legally, he doesn’t have to tell anyone. Everyone knows there is more to the story than what’s been reported, but Woods has no intention of sharing. It doesn’t seem logical that a car accident that didn’t cause the airbags to deploy, and only caused an estimated $5-8k in damages would be enough to cause injuries to Tiger’s face and cause him to be drifting in and out of consciousness when the police arrived. But Tiger and his team are hoping the media storm blows over and he never has to talk about whether he was having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, or whether there was a domestic dispute with his wife Elin, or whether he was drunk when he crashed. And why did Elin have to break the REAR window to get Tiger out of the car? And why did she have a golf club with her? If she went back to get the club, couldn’t she just get her keys to unlock the car doors (assuming they were locked)? Too many questions that point away from a simple, “I went out for a leisurely drive at 2:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving and ran over a fire hydrant and hit a tree.”

- The Heisman race is still completely wide open, and no one seems to want to run away with it. Colt McCoy of Texas made a strong statement on Thanksgiving night with 300 yards and 4 TDs, but Tim Tebow put up 5 TDs on his own Saturday in his final home game. Stanford’s Toby Gerhart, a guy who seems to be “John Riggins 2.0”, ran for 200 yards and 3 TDs against Notre Dame, and Clemson’s CJ Spiller returned the opening kick for a TD against South Carolina. Alabama’s Mark Ingraham is the only name that anyone knows on Alabama, so he appears to be a candidate, but he was completely shut down against Auburn, likely costing him a real shot. Spiller is the most talented of the contenders, Tebow is the media crush, McCoy would get it for career achievement, and Gerhart is the late addition flash in the pan. I think McCoy deserves to win, completing nearly 72% of his passes this year, with 27 TDs against 9 INTs. And he added 175 yards rushing on Thursday, just to show Tebow isn’t the only QB with capable feet.

- Brett Favre is now the leader in the race for the MVP. He is playing the best he has ever played in his entire career, and with the weapons he has, he is playing smart, exact, and accurate football. I will now go ask someone on the street to kick me in the junk repeatedly for the next hour……..wait, most of the people wrapped up in carpet lining and smelling like urine outside the subway might take me up on the offer.

- So with Kurt Warner sitting out after another concussion, we had a rematch of the starting quarterbacks in the 2006 Rose Bowl, Matt Leinart and Vince Young. And just like that unbelievable Rose Bowl game, Vince Young came out victorious after some late game heroics, this time hitting Kenny Brit for a touchdown on 4th down with less than 5 seconds left in the game. The biggest difference between this game and 2006 was Young’s passing skills, as he threw for 387 yards on Sunday. Hopefully he didn’t decide to party like he did after the Rose Bowl, shirtless and with a bottle of tequila.

And a side note, why was Chris Johnson so ineffective during the first 6 games of the year? He’s on pace to break Eric Dickerson’s single season rushing record, but only broke 100 yards in 2 of the first 6 games. It doesn’t make sense because you would think with Vince Young at QB, teams would load the box more, with less fear of the passing game. But the opposite has happened, and Johnson has rushed for over 130 yards in each of Young’s starts, 5 straight wins for the Titans.

- Love this tribute to Matthew Stafford, which was obviously made before he wet himself against Green Bay on Thanksgiving, allowing Charles Woodson to put a stranglehold on the defensive player of the year award.

HATE

- I hate the current structure and situation where the college coaches are fired and hired between the end of the regular season and their bowl games. I understand it is because of the recruiting schedule and you want to have your new coach in place as soon as possible to get ahead immediately when the high school kids can be contacted. But it just doesn’t seem right that the current undefeated Cincinnati team has to deal with the distraction of Chip Kelley leaving (potentially) their team to coach Notre Dame. If and when Weis is fired at Notre Dame, the Irish will want to immediately replace him, possibly with Kelley, and they will want him to immediately start recruiting for the Golden Domers, meaning he will have to treat his team like Richard Jefferson treated his fiancé Keisha Ni’cole Nichols.

- The Steelers Dennis Dixon played well during his first NFL start, considering he had only thrown 1 pass in his career and didn’t find out until Saturday that he was going to start. But unfortunately, it was his only mistake of the game, an overtime interception, that cost his team the game against the Ravens. Is there any other rivalry in the NFL where you know exactly what you’re going to get from the game? Steelers-Ravens is going to be a hard-hitting, low scoring game that comes down to a field goal every time.

- I’m done with the Jaguars. Two trips out west this year against average to bad teams (49ers & Seahawks), and they lose both, being outscored 61-3. That is a joke and they are the worst team with a winning record in the league. Time to start looking at drafting a new quarterback to replace David Garrard.

- Really Andy Reid? Starting the game against a 3-7 Redskins team with an onside kick? What were you possibly thinking? Why would you allow a team that stinks and knows they are undermanned to get some momentum and believe they have a chance to win? Just another example of why Andy Reid is not capable of winning big games. Maybe he was still on a sugar high from the dozen donuts he had for breakfast and wasn’t thinking clearly. What a terrible decision, yet because his team was able to squeak out a win against a bad Washington team, there won’t be any focus on another brain fart from the round mound of coaching.

- Pete Carroll, you are a douchebag. You whined “what’s your deal?” after Stanford stuck it to you with a 2 point conversion after their 7th touchdown. Then you go and throw deep for a 48 yard touchdown in the final minute of a blowout against UCLA, and claim that you were just “competing” for the entire game. Time to roll that stupid turtleneck you wear up over your face to keep you from saying anything else so stupid (who’s your fashion consultant, an 80’s movie star?). Then again, since your Trojans are completely irrelevant this season, I guess you have to do something to make people remember USC is still playing out the string of meaningless games.

- The Nets. 0-17. Ouch. Yeah, fire the coach. THAT must be the problem……oh wait, they didn’t exactly come out firing for their new coach, trailing Kobe Bryant 13-12 at the end of the first quarter. Yes, Kobe by himself, not counting the rest of his team’s points. The Nets tied the NBA record for longest losing streak to start the season, and seem destined to break it with the Mavs in their next game. Pretty sure the Nets and Knicks with their combined 3 wins are not exactly making LeBron James pine for playing with either of these teams next year.

Degenerate Friday!!! Week 12

Before the turkey coma kicks in…..or maybe the 4th bottle of wine……while watching Colt McCoy secure the Heisman Trophy, here are the quick hit picks for the week:

Panthers (+3) over JETS – power running game is too much for all-talk Jets

COLTS (-3.5) over Texans – Houston doesn’t know how to win big games

Browns (+14) over BENGALS – Too many points in a divisional game.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Bears – Too big of a game for Cutler to perform well

EAGLES (-9) over Redskins – Skins can’t score enough to cover.

Dolphins (-3) over BILLS (LOCK OF THE WEEK) – Weather shouldn’t be an issue, and wildcat runs wild.

Cardinals (+1) over TITANS – Let’s not overreact to Vince Young – good, but not good enough.

RAMS (+3) over Seahawks – Hawks are 0-5 on the road and Rams play hard.

FALCONS (-12.5) over Buccaneers – Bucs coaches are in upheaval, which isn’t good for rookie QB.

Jaguars (+3) over 49ERS – Jags didn’t play well in last trip out west (at Sea), but Niners are not good.

CHARGERS (-13.5) over Chiefs – Bolts are on a roll, and Chiefs can’t stop Rivers.

RAVENS (pk) over Steelers – Pittsburgh is not the same without Polamalu

Patriots (+3) over SAINTS – Great value to get Brady and points when he’s playing this well.

NFL Rankings - Turkey Day Food

Well it’s just about that time to start preparing the food for tomorrow’s glutinous feast. Make sure you take some time to be thankful for all the good things you have going for you – healthy children (Congrats to Archie, his wife and new baby girl!), amazing family, great friends and the fact that there are 3 football games on Thanksgiving now. So after that final forkful of pumpkin pie that leads to your pants buttons screaming for mercy, there is still one more late game to watch while you finish off that bottle of wine or Fleishman’s Vodka.

Packers (-10) over LIONS
The loss of Al Harris is a major blow to the Packers defense, as his ability to rough up opposing WRs one-on-one allows Charles Woodson to blitz with abandon. The loss of Aaron Kampman is not as big of a loss, as he has struggled in the adjustment from a 4-3 end to a 3-4 outside linebacker. The Packers shouldn’t need either of them to slap around the Lions, who will be playing without last week’s hero, Matthew Stafford.

Raiders (+13.5) over COWBOYS
I don’t know what to make of the Cowboys offense, with only a garbage-time TD in Green Bay and one TD in Washington the past 2 weeks. I’m trying not to overreact to that or the Raiders miracle win over the Bengals, yet catching almost 2 TDs against a team that has only scored 2 TDs total the past two weeks seems like value. Especially now that Gradkowski gives Oakland some hope of moving the ball.

GIANTS (-6) over Broncos
This is a game the Broncos absolutely must win in order to right their ship. Then again, you could have said the same thing last week, and they completely laid an egg against the Chargers. Giants got things back on track by beating the Falcons in OT, and despite their running game still missing, they will be ready for a sucker punch from the Broncos – advice Jimmy Clausen needs to heed around the bars in South Bend these days.

To get you ready for the feast tomorrow, this week’s rankings are broken down into categories based on the essential parts of the Thanksgiving meal. The biggest climber this week is the Giants and the biggest sliders are the Broncos and the Texans.

The Turkey Category
It’s the star of the meal, and the most important centerpiece on the table. Whether you almost blow up your house by trying to deep fry it, or go the classic route in the oven, it is the biggest bird at the table, full of tryptophan to put you to sleep after you consume a couple pounds, doused in heavy gravy. These are the powerhouses of the league, the most consistent teams and in many instances, they are blowing out opponents, which can put you to sleep like the turkey.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – This week will go a long way to determining if they can run the table to 16-0 when they face off with the Patriots on Monday night.

2. Colts (2) – Another week, another improbable escape by the Colts. They have almost clinched their division already and will likely clinch home field in the AFC in the next 3 weeks, meaning Manning and company will be resting the final 3 weeks of the year.

3. Vikings (3) – Brett Favre and Brad Childress are the two biggest things since Salma Hayek, and so far this season, they have not been boobs. Favre is playing as well as he ever has in his career, is among the leaders for the MVP, and has the Vikings right on the tail of the Saints for home field advantage.

4. Patriots (5) – I guess all those “The Pats are Dead” articles from the first 4 weeks of the season may have been a little premature. Brady is back and throwing with zip on the ball, and he is right in sync with Welker and Moss.

5. Chargers (7) – They started the season like turkeys, but have now won 5 straight games and are showing they will be a dangerous out in the playoffs.

6. Cardinals (8) – Another streaky team that is cruising right now, playing like the team they were expected to be at the start of the season. There is concern if Warner has to miss time with his concussion, but the Cards have to hope that Leinart has matured like his draft classmate, Vince Young.

The Grandma’s Rolls Category
Every family has some food that is a tradition in their family that can never be replicated by anyone else. Maybe it’s pirogues, or polish sausage, or something else. In my family, it’s my grandma’s rolls, which can only be made correctly by my grandma. They are perfectly light and fluffy and it just isn’t the holidays without them. My mother is a tremendous cook, but she has tried to make them using the recipe given to her by my grandma (her mother), and they are not even close. It doesn’t make sense, but the rolls are among the best part of the holiday meals for me. Same with these teams that are maddening in that you know they are good, but you can’t figure them out for the life of you.

7. Bengals (4) – It was an improbable and awful loss to the Raiders, but they didn’t lose any ground in their division. Hopefully for them Cedric Benson will be back this week, and they need to bounce back in a big way.

8. Cowboys (10) – Like mentioned above, they have not been consistent enough, which is why Wade Phillips will not be coaching next year. Yet they are 7-3, leading their division and have a very winnable game against the Raiders on Turkey Day.

9. Steelers (6) – They need to fix their special teams immediately, as they have allowed 8 return TDs this season. It looks like Roethlisberger is going to be okay to play this week, but one hard hit could lead to Dennis Dixon taking regular snaps, which would end any hopes of a deep playoff run.

10. Packers (13) – Once again they catch the Lions on a week without Matthew Stafford or Calvin Johnson. Last time that resulted in a 26-0 thrashing, and that seems likely again on Thursday. It will be tough to adjust to losing Al Harris, and that could have an effect on the Packers ability to go deep into the playoffs.

11. Eagles (14) – Their young nucleus of explosive players (McCoy, D. Jackson, Maclin & Celek are all under 25) have been playing extremely well, and what’s been holding them back has been the sometimes inaccuracy of their veteran quarterback.

12. Giants (17) – The win over the Falcons kept the vultures at bay for another week, but the Giants don’t have many mulligans left in the bag. Eli stepped up and showed that heel recovered nicely during the bye week.

The Pumpkin Pie Category
The best desert of the holiday season, and nothing says Thanksgiving more than the pumpkin pie. It’s delicious and sweet, but you know it’s not that good for you and going to leave you with a rear end that starts to resemble Jennifer Love Hewitt before the weight loss. That also describes these teams that are good enough to beat anyone at any time, but they also can lose to anyone and they haven’t quite figured out how to win the big games.

13. Jaguars (16) – They are the least talked-about team in the league, and at 6-4 are well positioned to make the playoffs. To prove the lack of respect, they are underdogs against the 4-6 49ers this week in San Francisco.

14. Texans (9) – Kris Brown is not long for the league if he doesn’t figure out how to start kicking straight. First he misses the potential game winner against Indy, and follows it up by missing the game-tying kick against the Titans on Monday night. The Texans cannot make the leap without a reliable kicking game.

15. Falcons (12) – The Falcons were impressive in erasing a 14 point deficit in the 4th quarter against the Giants, yet couldn’t finish the deal and lost in OT. Michael Jenkins dropped an easy TD earlier in the game, and the defense couldn’t slow the Giants in overtime, which are the things that top teams do.

16. Ravens (15) – The learning process for Joe Flacco continues as I’m sure he quickly realized that he cannot make that pass and turn the ball over when you’re down 2, in field goal range, with under 2 minutes to go. Something tells me if he didn’t get the message, Ray Lewis will offer to give him the “Chris Brown” treatment until he gets it. Or he could stick it to him with the “Ray Lewis” treatment.

The Cranberry Sauce Category
Cranberry sauce is awesome, but only relevant at Thanksgiving. It’s not important in September or October, suddenly is all important in November, and then fades away by December. That is also a perfect description for these teams that were awful to start the year, and then got hot and everyone is wondering “Can they make a run at the playoffs?” But in the end, they will fade back to oblivion (or Bolivian if you ask Mike Tyson).

17. Titans (19) – Maybe if Jeff Fisher wanted to feel like a winner, he should have put on Vince Young’s jersey instead of the Peyton Manning one he chose. Young is still not a prolific passer, but combined with the unbelievable running of Chris Johnson, the Titans offense is churning.

18. Dolphins (20) – Ricky Williams proved he’s ready for his close-up with Ronnie Brown out for the rest of the year. However, the Dolphins are still limited until Ted Ginn or someone provides a deep threat to utilize the strong arm of Chad Henne.

19. Panthers (18) – The Panthers missed a golden opportunity to get into the thick of the playoff picture last week when they lost to the Dolphins in Charlotte. Now they head up to the Meadowlands to face the whining, loud-mouthed losers in the Meadowlands.

The Stuffing Category
Stuffing is another delicious treat at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but does anyone really know what’s in it? You probably don’t want to think about the ingredients and would rather go about your business naïve to what is really in there. Don’t lift up the covers and find out there is day old bread and turkey giblets – and if you don’t know what giblets are, don’t ask – and other odds and ends. It’s a fitting category for these teams that started off in pure stuffing eating bliss, but now the league has started to look at their ingredients.

20. Broncos (11) – Yikes, the Broncos have fallen faster than Kelly Clarkson, who incidentally should probably pass on the extra serving of stuffing tomorrow. And now they’re sniping at each other on the sidelines during games and in the locker room. They are 6-4, yet it feels like they’re closer to 4-6 and need a win on Thursday to slow the bleeding.

21. 49ers (22) – Have you heard any of the Mike Singletary comments in the past few weeks? It’s not really important what he says because he has the most intriguing and commanding voice this side of James Earl Jones. He always sounds extremely intense and majestic. Yet that hasn’t been enough to scare up more victories.

22. Jets (21) – Memo to Rex Ryan: SHUT UP. Stop whining, stop crying and stop talking smack. Your team has fallen out of the playoff picture, your quarterback has completely lost his mojo, and you haven’t done anything about it. It’s time to PUT UP & SHUT UP. Your routine has aged faster than Luke Wilson (have you seen him in those AT&T commercials with the fat face? What the…..?)

23. Bears (23) – Donovan McNabb was giving Jay Cutler a pep talk after the game last Sunday night? What was he telling him? “At least Rush Limbaugh won’t make fun of you because you’re white.” Or maybe “If it gets really bad, you can puke on the field.”

The Sweet Potatoes Category
I think the sweet potato is the most overrated food on the Thanksgiving table. Why is a potato suddenly a strangely bright shade of orange? I just don’t get it. I’ll stick to the regular potatoes that come from Idaho, and I’ll leave those crazy orange ones to the Oompa Loompas. These are the teams that are not very good, yet snuck up on some teams and have played their way out of the top 7 draft picks.

24. Chiefs (27) – It was an impressive win in overtime against the Steelers and the team appears to have bought into the fiery nature of Coach Haley since Larry Johnson left town. Is it a coincidence that the Chiefs are 2-0 without him and the Bengals are 0-1 with him?

25. Redskins (26) – The Redskin defense continued to try and keep the team interesting, holding the Cowboys to 1 touchdown. Yet that was enough to stop the Sherm Lewis “Bingo” offense. If you’re Jim Zorn, at what point do you just bring a lawn chair to sit on the sidelines?

The Crazy Relative Category
Everyone has one at all of their family gatherings. It may be an aunt, uncle, grandparent, parent, or heck, it might be you. The one who drinks too much, makes inappropriately non-politically correct comments, or is planning for the coming alien arrival. And yet, no matter what, they’re still family, so everyone is going to welcome them with open arms, and pour them another drink. Well, that’s Al Davis and the Raiders. And the league can’t do anything about it.

26. Raiders (31) – The team is still playing hard for Tom Cable, and the team definitely has more confidence with Gradkowski at quarterback judging by the comments after the win over the Bengals from various players saying how they appreciated the effort and confidence in the huddle.

The Brussels Sprouts Category
You have to have a well-rounded overflowing plate of food on Thanksgiving, and so that includes some greenery. The veggies have to be there, and we all know the one that has always scared us since we were little, and that was the dreaded brussels sprouts. Not surprisingly, we’re at the bottom of the league. Like the veggies, you don’t want to waste too much of your plate on these teams, and one helping is plenty. These teams stink, and even when they put up a bunch of points in a shoot out its against one another and it’s no different than saying broccoli is better than cauliflower – no one really cares, and it doesn’t mean all that much.

27. Bills (25) – New coach, new quarterback and same result. At least there was a Terrell Owens sighting, which is good because I was getting worried that he wasn’t going to be able to love him some him.

28. Lions (31) – Even when the Lions win, they lose. Stafford is the NFC offensive player of the week after his 5 TD performance in a win over the Browns, and now he’s out this week with a dislocated shoulder.

29. Seahawks (24) – This is the most uninteresting team in the league. They stink but they’re not really a laughingstock and there are no controversies. Let’s just move on.

30. Buccaneers (28) – Raheem Morris, in his first year as a head coach, fired his offensive coordinator during the preseason, and now reassigned his defensive coordinator this week. He has a young team with limited talent, but it is not a good reflection on his decision making.

31. Rams (29) – Quick quiz: who will be starting at quarterback for the Rams with Marc Bulger injured? Other than Kyle Boller’s mother, I’m guessing less than 1% of you knew that. The long season for first-year coach Steve Spagnuolo continues.

32. Browns (32) – Eric Mangini should worry less about the Lions faking injuries and more about himself faking that he will be employed in February. Brady Quinn looked good, granted against the Lions, when he was allowed to just get in the no huddle offense and sling it all over the field. That’s another revelation that doesn’t reflect well on Mangini who was faster on the trigger than Cool Hand Luke.

Tuesday Ramblings - Bad Decisions

Bad decisions are everywhere…..the NY liquor authority, college football, pro hoops, pro football, and in most bars right around 2am. But we'll just cover the first four and leave the rest for your walk of shames.

Bad Decision #1: NY State Liquor Laws
This is just a shame. The Mad River Grille, the Badger bar on the Upper East Side of Manhattan was busted for unauthorized selling of New Glarus Spotted Cow beer. New Glarus only distributes its beer within the state of Wisconsin, and the NY State Liquor Authority got wind of the beer in NY. I’m not an investigative reporter, but I may or may not frequent the bar on many game days, and may or may not have engaged in more than a few games of flip cup in the back of the bar after Badger games. The bar may or may not have allegedly been buying the beer from Sam’s Club in Madison and allegedly filling a U-Haul truck to drive it out to the bar.


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Bad Decision #2: Yale Football.
Is it ironic that the worst coaching decision, maybe ever, was made by a college coach in the supposedly full of genius Ivy League? Yale’s coach decided to try a fake punt when up 10-7 deep in his own territory, on 4th and 22!! Yeah, you read that correctly, 4th & 22. The play actually worked – for 15 yards – and Harvard took over and scored to win the game 14-10. It was actually worse than Les Miles clock management. It was a worse decision that asking Pacman Jones to host a party with Lindsay Lohan, Antonio Cromartie and Russell Crowe sharing a booth in the VIP room.


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Bad Decision #3: Nate Robinson
I also forgot to mention in yesterday’s “hate” section Nate Robinson during the Knicks-Nets game on Saturday afternoon. I mean, it’s a game of two of the worst teams in the league, so no one really cares, but with 0.5 seconds left in the first quarter, Nate decided to launch a shot at the wrong basket. Thankfully the ref declared the shot after the buzzer because it went in!! Coach D’Antoni went apeshit, and understandably so. I’d say Nate’s decision making is as poor as Marc Bulger dating former Miss America Carrie Prejean and not carrying a camera with him at all times.


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NFL Overtime
It happens a couple times a year when a team with a sizeable fan base plays an overtime game in the NFL. The people come out banging on the OT rules as “unfair” because whoever wins the coin toss wins the game. Well, unless you’re Marty Mornhinweg, who famously decided to take the wind to start an overtime game when he was coaching the Lions – and the Bears marched down field, kicked a field goal and the Lions never got to use the wind. Because the game is decided in sudden-death fashion, people want to find a way to give each team an equal chance with the ball. This past weekend, the Falcons lost when the Giants scored on their opening possession, but the Steelers lost after not scoring on their opening possession of overtime. The simple solution is to put 10 minutes on the clock and play it out, which is what Bill Belichick has proposed in the past. Or 8 minutes. That would definitely be a better solution than the current format or the current college format.

The current college format is a joke for overtime. Completely removing the special teams and field position from the game completely bastardizes the game. Special teams are a crucial part of being a good team, and by removing that aspect of the game, it is no longer true football. Too many times with the college format it turns into the teams trading TDs against tired defenses when they only have to cover 25 yards. This leads to ridiculous 3 and 4 OT games that end up with scores in the 40’s and 50’s when it was a 28-28 game at the end of regulation. It turns into a mockery of the game.

The problem with the short quarter plan is that it would likely be longer overtime periods than the current system. That means that there are extra plays when your quarterback could take a hit, your linemen could bust a knee, etc. The Steelers game was another example of that fear, as Big Ben left the game with a potential concussion in overtime, and Charlie Batch replaced him, and promptly broke his wrist. In addition, the extra effort takes a toll on the teams, and the stat is somewhere around 75% of teams that play overtime games that go beyond the first possession lose the following week – regardless of whether they won or lost the OT game. The other concern is that teams could drag out one long 8 or 10 minute drive that ends with a field goal and the other team would not get a chance on offense. However, the odds of a team being able to put together that long of a drive seem about as high as the odds of the Royals being competitive this century.

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NFL Pro Bowl
I’m not sure if you saw the memo, but just below the part about the cover pages on the TPS Reports, was a note that the 2010 NFL Pro Bowl was going to be significantly different than it has been the past 20 years. Since 1979, the annual pro football all-star game has been played in Hawaii, two weeks after the Super Bowl. This year, the game will be played in Miami (the site of the Super Bowl), the week before the Super Bowl. The change was driven by the ever increasing number of players who were skipping the game due to “injuries” after making the trip repeatedly for a number of years.

So the league decided the solution was to have a game that can no longer include the players on the best teams – i.e. those in the Super Bowl, in a location and time that will likely increase the likelihood of arrests by tenfold. It’s already a light version of real football, with no blitzing, and minimal hitting – with the exception of Sean Taylor (RIP) on Brian Moorman.

Oh, and they also forgot to take into account that the Super Bowl will be played in Indianapolis in 2012. Not exactly a great reward for Phillip Rivers or Ricky Williams to get a trip to Indy in February.

At least the league recognized the error and will return to Hawaii in 2011 and 2012. Whoops. On the scale of bad decisions from partying with Michael Phelps to asking Tara Reid for a plastic surgery reference, this ranks about a 5 – hiring Lady Gaga or Bjork as your fashion consultant.

Week 11 Hangover - Love/Hate

This week we're leading off with the hates........no real reason. It's my site, I'm in charge.

HATE

- It’s a known fact that Syracuse basketball plays great at Madison Square Garden in NY. Well I went there Friday night to watch the Orange dismantle the UNC Tar Heels in the 2K Sports Championship. And their fans are something to behold, with the majority of them having the physical attributes of two of the school’s famous point guards of the past: the face of Jerry McNamara (balding, whispy attempt at a goatee) and the body of Sherman Douglas (round – as wide as they are tall). Short, fat, awkward fans wearing their orange jerseys over button-down shirts, or over nothing at all, but ALWAYS complimented by a fat gold chain. And those are just the women. I’ve never been there, but based on their fans on Friday, I would assume that Syracuse’s campus is on wheels, double-wide, and could be hooked up to a large truck to tour the country.

- Despite the Bengals crapping themselves against the Raiders, these are not the “same old Bengals” that always find a way to lose. Thanks to the rest of their division losing, they didn’t give up any ground and are still in a position of strength. Losing without Cedric Benson after a horrific fumble in the last 40 seconds on a kickoff after giving up the tying touchdown is a terrible loss, but not crippling to the season. They get the Lions and Browns in the next two weeks, so they immediately have a chance to blow out an inferior opponent and prove it was a blip, not a pattern. The Raiders have continued to play hard for Tom Cable despite having a QB who couldn’t throw and an WR who can’t catch. What a difference replacing a joke in JaMarcus Russell with a below average option in Bruce Gradkowski makes.

- Can someone please explain the appeal of Lady Gaga? I really don’t get it. She’s a hideous freak with minimal talents. Oh, and her music stinks too. I don’t get her whole schtick of wearing outrageous outfits and acting like an idiot. I mean, why wouldn’t the American Music Awards spend more time showing Carrie Underwood? Or Mary J. Blige? Or anyone else for that matter? And yet for some reason, Gaga is all over the place and gets accolades within the music community, but she terrifies me and I have to immediately change the channel if her freaky mugg crosses the screen.

- The Broncos are officially in big trouble. After their improbably 6-0 start, they dropped their 4th straight, getting mauled at home by the Chargers. They are now a game out of the division lead and face turmoil, with some of their players accusing each other of quitting or not caring enough, including Brandon Marshall & Knowshon Moreno fighting on the sidelines.

- Losing to Northwestern was a complete embarrassment for Wisconsin on Saturday. They started the day with an outside chance to tie for the Big Ten championship, and went to bed tied for 4th place, and having purple footprints all over their backsides. Their defense couldn’t slow down the Northwestern offense, the Badger offense couldn’t produce points (2 turnovers) in their last three possessions, and WR Isaac Anderson showed off his stone hands for another week. Pitiful. Another trip to the Outback Bowl for the Badgers?

LOVE

- Matthew Stafford gave a glimpse of why he may have been worthy of that top pick in the draft and could potentially help the Lions franchise rise from the ashes. Granted it was against the hapless Browns, but this game amazingly turned into one of the more compelling football games of the entire season, resulting in a 38-37 shootout win for the Lions. Stafford dislocated his non-throwing shoulder on the second-to-last play of the game, but was able to elude the medical staff and get back into the game to throw the game winning touchdown, after a pass interference call and a strange timeout by Eric Mangini. Had Mangini not called timeout, Daunte Culpepper would have had to take the final snap. So it was yet another bad decision by Mangini in a season full of them, and it allowed Stafford to show his grit and make the winning throw. He threw for 5 touchdowns in the game, besting Brady Quinn’s 4 touchdowns. Amazingly, The Browns had only scored 5 offensive TDs all season before this game, and Quinn led them to 4 TDs in this game. Stafford proved he has the potential to lead the franchise in this game, and maybe we need to give Quinn a chance to mature into his position of leading the team. Or maybe his girlfriend from draft night knew something ahead of time, and didn’t stick around.

- The NFL underdogs rose up. With the Raiders beating the Bengals, the Chiefs shocking the Steelers, and the Redskins and Bills barely dropping games against the Cowboys and Jaguars, respectively, the meek of the league had a surprising resurgence. During the first half of the year, the oddsmakers couldn’t make spreads wide enough as these poor teams continued to get blown out every week. But this week there were only 4 of the 15 games that were decided by more than one score. It will be interesting to see if the spreads begin to get a little tighter down the stretch in the coming weeks.

- It’s going to be a great coaching carousel this off-season, in both college and the NFL. The Notre Dame job will be open (even Charlie Weis himself said he won’t be surprised if he’s let go), and there will likely be anywhere from 7-10 openings in the NFL, some in prestigious places like the Cowboys or Redskins and others in less desirable places like Cleveland and Buffalo. First, let’s stop the Urban Meyer to Notre Dame rumors – that is not happening. We’ve covered that in the past. But an interesting opening that might pop up after this weekend? LSU, where Les Miles flubbed a game against Ole Miss that could cost his team and school a BCS berth. Down by 2 points, the Bayou Bengals inexplicably let 17-18 seconds run off the clock before completing a pass with one second remaining at the 6 yard line. Instead of trying to sprint the FG unit on the field, or running a play for a touchdown, they tried to spike the ball. Of course, a spike takes one second and the clock runs out, game over. After the game, Miles was asked who made the call to spike the ball, and he responded that he DIDN’T KNOW!! Blink, blink…..stare…….Uh-oh. Miles has never been Nick Saban, and won a national championship with most of Saban’s players, and something like this could be enough to get him bounced out of town. And it doesn’t even involve whatever is going on in the background of this picture…….not that there’s anything wrong with it.

- Aaron Rodgers erasing all doubt about who the best QB from the 2005 draft. Rodgers dominated the 49ers defense and has produced some great numbers this season, nearly 2800 yards, 19 TDs, and a QB rating of 102.6. While he is still likely a distant 5th in the MVP race behind Favre, Manning, Brees and Brady, he has been tremendous in keeping the Packers in the playoff hunt despite playing behind the leakiest offensive line in the league. And speaking of Favre, he may be playing as well as he has played since 1997, and as much as it pains me, he is right up there in the MVP discussion, and likely the favorite at this point. He has only thrown 3 interceptions all year, easily the least by any QB that has started every game (McNabb & Rodgers have the next fewest with 5).

- Wes Welker continues to light up the stat sheets. It is now time to stop looking at him as an interesting little mighty might and start to mention him with the best receivers in the league. The guy led the league in catches in 2007, was 2nd in 2008, and is the league leader thus far in 2009. After lighting up the Jets for 15 catches for 192 yards, he has 79 catches in 9 games, which is ahead of the pace he was on the past 2 years when he ended with over 110 catches each year. He is Tom Brady’s security blanket and has the ability to stop and start on a dime as if he controls his legs with a joystick.

Degenerate Friday!! Week 11 - 1999 NFL QBs

Well last week produced a solid 10-5 mark, putting the season total at 75-68-2. This week does not have very many compelling games, and it shows with the spreads. Eight of the 16 games have spreads of 9 or greater and only three games have a spread of 3 or less. One of the more intriguing matchups took place on Thursday night, and it involved two 4-5 teams. It also marked Ricky Williams return to a feature back role after Ronnie Brown was put on injured reserve. Ricky entered the league in 1999, when the Saints traded all of their draft picks to the Redskins in order to secure Williams with the pick. So in honor of Ricky Williams still going strong, the games are broken down by the 1999 drafted quarterbacks. Similar to this week’s games, there is really only one hit, a couple of flashes, and some ultimate busts. And I’m not wasting my time mentioning the guys picked after the second round (with one exception) because it’s worthless to bring up Brock Huard, Joe Jermaine, Kevin Daft, Michael Bishop, Chris Greisen and Scott Covington.

EDITORS NOTE: I started this on Thursday night before Ricky Williams powered the Dolphins past the Panthers with his 3 TD performance. And I still picked the Panthers to win, which was stupid. And why the random picture of Rebecca Gayheart? She was Maxim’s Hottest Woman in 1999……which just seems strange.

All the standard disclaimers……..recreational use, home teams in CAPS, spreads from the Post, etc.

The Akili Smith Category
The third overall pick in the draft, out of Oregon, Cincinnati thought they had finally found their franchise quarterback to replace Boomer Esiason and erase the memory of David Klinger in 1992. Unfortunately, Smith was horribly unprepared for the pro game, and basically had the intelligence of Carrie Prejean. Smith went 3-14 as a starter, had a QB rating of under 53 and threw 5 TDs versus 13 interceptions in his career. He was out of the league in 4 years. He actually shares quite a bit in common with the recently benched JaMarcus Russell, a sizeable, gifted athlete without the intellect or desire to be a pro quarterback.

LIONS (-3.5) over Browns (Craptastic Game of the Season)
Ladies and gentleman, the “Battle for the 1st Pick in the 2010 Draft” Bowl!! This is an absolutely awful game. Lions already blew one game against pathetic competition (the Rams), but should be able to hold off the offensively-challenged Browns. Cleveland has been shut out twice this year already, and may need to resort the Redskin method of using their punter or kicker as an offensive weapon.

The Cade McNown Category
The 12th pick in the draft by the Chicago Bears, McNown was just another in the long line of poor Chicago quarterbacks…..which has continued today with the acquisition of Jay Cutler. McNown had an illustrious college career at UCLA that included a loss to Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl and punishment for using a handicap placard to get better parking around campus. He was 3-12 as a starter in Chicago, throwing 16 TDs and 19 interceptions.

VIKINGS (-10.5) over Seahawks
The Vikings have not been as dominant lately, but their offensive weapons will be more than the Seahawks can handle, especially in the Metrodome. Jared Allen and the Williams Wall should have a game almost as easy as when they played Green Bay against the depleted Seahawks offensive line.

Bengals (-9.5) over RAIDERS
This is a dangerous game with major let-down potential after the Bengals just handled their tough divisional test by beating the Ravens and Steelers. And after benching their pathetic quarterback in JaMarcus Russell, the Raiders will potentially be ready to rally behind Bruce Gradkowski. However, whether the throws are on target or not, Darius Heyward-Bey has shown he couldn’t catch a cold. But at least he is fast.

The Tim Couch Category
Couch was the first pick in the draft, and the first pick for the reinvented Cleveland Browns after the original Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens. The Browns were seriously lacking in talent around Couch, so the University of Kentucky product was fighting with one hand tied behind his back. He managed to win 22 games as a starter, but he lost 37, and had a 64-67 touchdown-interception total in his career. His only real highlight was his relationship with 1999 Playboy Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar – although rumor has it she left him for another 1999 quarterback, the previously mentioned Cade McNown. More large spread games that are not all that appealing in this category.

JAGUARS (-9) over Bills
The Bills have dumped their coach and switched back to ivy-leaguer Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Unfortunately for the Bills, the players actually liked Dick Jauron, and those players still include an over-the-hill Terrell Owens, a terrible offensive line, a terrible defensive line, and Ryan Fitzpatrick. That is not an equation capable of slowing down Maurice Jones-Drew and the surging Jags.

Steelers (-10) over CHIEFS
Ticked off Big Ben and the Steelers defense will take it out on the undermanned Chiefs. The Chiefs and Jamaal Charles will find it more difficult to gain yardage against Pittsburgh than they did in their win over the Raiders last week. Look for Big Ben to treat the KC secondary like an employee at Harrah’s – lots of scoring – and this may be just as consensual.

The Aaron Brooks Category
Brooks is the only quarterback drafted outside the first or second round that had an impact in the league, being drafted by the Packers in the fourth round. He had 6 very uneven years in New Orleans before 1 disastrous season in Oakland. He was 38-52 as a starter and had 123 passing TDs and 13 rushing TDs in his career compared to 92 interceptions and an unbelievable 64 fumbles. More games that have a large spread and look likely to produce a couple of big plays, but also a couple of plays that make you want to cover your eyes – which is the way Saints fans felt every time Brooks dropped back to pass.

COWBOYS (-11) over Redskins
This is a lot of points to lay in a divisional game from a team that only scored 7 points last week to a team that won last week. However, the Redskins offense is awful, using trick plays to score most of the year. The Cowboys defense actually played well against Green Bay, holding them to 3 points in the first half, and one TD after Clay Matthews recovered a fumble inside the 10 yard line. Romo is reminded that the best time for a trip to an exotic island is after your team wins the championship – a lesson Derek Jeter demonstrated with Minka Kelly in St. Bart’s this week.

Cardinals (-9) over RAMS
Rams were surprisingly feisty last week against the potent Saints attack, but it’s unlikely they’ll be able to do it two weeks in a row. Steven Jackson has had an amazingly strong season playing for a 1 win team, proving that when healthy, he is as good as any back in the league. However, the Cardinals aerial assault is cruising and it continues again this week.

The Shaun King Category
King was a second round pick by Tampa Bay, and had a surprisingly successful, if short, career. He was 14-10 as a starter, one of only two quarterbacks from the class with a winning record, including a 10-6 season in his second year, 2000. He’s currently a college football analyst on ESPN – what a surprise that a former football player was immediately given a seat at the big four-letter. We’re finally getting to some games that might be more competitive and could impact the playoff picture.

PACKERS (-6.5) over 49ers
The Niners had no business beating the Bears last week, only scoring 10 points even with the aid of 5 Cutler interceptions. The Packers defense put a hurting on the Cowboys, and should have a field day riddling Alex Smith. In the battle of first round quarterbacks from 2005, Rodgers proves that he shouldn’t have slid all the way to Green Bay at #24. Singletary gets closer to having a Mr. Furious-like breakdown on his team.

Titans (+4.5) over TEXANS
It’s tough to go against the Texans coming off a bye at home on a Monday night. But the Texans defense cannot slow Chris Johnson, which allows the Titans to play keep away from Matt Schaub and the high-powered Houston offense. And although it doesn’t make any sense because he’s not actually doing that much, Vince Young somehow wins games – he’s 20-11 as a starter.

The Daunte Culpepper Category
Culpepper was among the better statistical quarterback’s in the league for a stretch from 2000-2004. In 2004, he threw for over 4700 yards and 39 interceptions, for a QB rating of over 110. Yet despite the gaudy numbers, he only produced one season where he was over .500 as a starter (2000), and has a career record of 41-54 including his time with the Vikings, Dolphins, Raiders and Lions. These games have the potential to be impressive, but may explode like Daunte’s knee did in 2005, ending his stretch as a reliable NFL starter.

RAVENS (+1) over Colts
The Colts are not going to go undefeated this season, and this looks like one of the more likely places they could lose. The Ravens will be without Terrell Suggs after the Brady Quinn cheap shot, but the Colts were lucky to beat the Patriots last week. Look for Ray Lewis to rally his troops to slow down Manning on his march to perfection.

Falcons (+6.5) over GIANTS
Both teams have been sliding lately, the Giants are coming off their bye week at home, and the Falcons have suffered all of their losses on the road. Yet, even with Michael Turner banged up, Matt Ryan should be able to put up enough points with Tony Gonzalez and Roddy White to keep this one close and cover the number.

Eagles (-3) over BEARS
Jay Cutler has thrown 12 of his 18 interceptions in night games this season, so this Sunday night affair does not bode well for the gunslinger. Eagles only have to fly halfway across the country to get to Chicago, after poor performances at Oakland and at San Diego. McNabb, the Chicago native, and 1999 quarterback, will be ready to light up the poor Chicago secondary. Speaking of the oft-injured choke artist McNabb………..

The Donovan McNabb Category
While I am no fan of Donovan McNabb, I mean, he’s from Philly (strike one), he is not mentally tough – throwing up on the field (strike two), and he is not a good leader – whiny whenever someone else gets the spotlight or benches him (strike three). Oh, and I’m not even bringing up that he’s stupid and didn’t know a game could end in a tie. All that said, he has had tremendous regular season success, and is far and away the best quarterback from the 1999 draft. He is 82-45-1 as a starter and 9-6 in the playoffs and has thrown 206 touchdowns versus 94 interceptions. These are the most compelling games of the week, and much like Donovan, are only relevant in the regular season.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) over Jets
Patriots haven’t lost consecutive games in a bazillion years, and have the extra motivation of the week 2 loss to the Jets. Rex Ryan may not be crying passionate tears after this game, as they may be tears of legit pain from having Belichick and Brady’s legs knee-deep in his oversized rear end. The Jets offense will not be able to exploit the Pats defense the way the Colts did and Brady will dink and dunk with Welker until the deep ball for Moss opens up.

Chargers (-1) over BRONCOS
Broncos continue their slide back to the team that everyone expected them to be, especially if Kyle Orton isn’t able to go. Chargers have rebounded from their slow start, like they do every year, and will be able to take back control of the division. San Diego’s fourth-in-the-AFC passing game will put constant pressure on the Broncos secondary and force the Broncos to play a higher scoring game than they would like.

Hitting the Links - Jennings, Southeast Football, Wrestling

LATE ADD: Forgot to make my Thursday night NFL pick. PANTHERS (-3) over Dolphins. The Panthers have found a rhythm, and Jake Delhomme realized what the Panthers' team colors are, which will be beneficial against the weak Dolphins secondary. Losing Ronnie Brown hurts, but Ricky Williams has been very good. Panthers continue their attempt to get closer to playoff contention.
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Brandon Jennings is starting to get some national publicity as the top rookie in the league. I watched a considerable amount of their win over the Nets last night. The kid can play, and he has an energy and electricity when he is on the floor, and he drives the rest of the team to crank up their efforts. He will likely hit a rookie wall at some point and will have to pace himself for a long, grinding season, but enjoy the excitement he has brought back to the Bradley Center.
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I’m late to the game on this one, but it was just pointed out to me recently. An Alabama football player was arrested for roughing up his girlfriend, and the girl’s father hopes that the player wouldn’t miss any time because it was “probably initiated by my daughter.” Blink, blink……stare……..jaw drop.
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I really don’t even know what to say about this – the Go Girl. I mean, so many strange questions – how big is it? Are you carrying that in your purse everywhere? Do you wash it after each use? So weird…..let’s just move on.
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Linda McMahon, wife of WWE czar Vince McMahon, is running for a seat in the Senate in Connecticut. That sentence is strange in itself, yet it’s not as interesting as “Superstar” Billy Graham going on a speaking campaign against her. He’s accusing the WWE of removing blood, and “bra & panty” matches from the wrestling shows since she started her campaign.
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Speaking of wrestling – MMA heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar had to pull out of a title defense and may never fight again due to having a hole in his intestine. Scary stuff and hopefully he’ll get healthy, even if he never fights again. The guy was a college wrestler, WWE wrestler, tried out for the Vikings, and then found the MMA. Oh, and along the way he married Sable, a former WWE girl.
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Not a ton of people are into soccer, but this is one of the most egregious and unbelievable things I’ve ever seen. It was an elimination game where the winner is in, the loser doesn’t qualify for the biggest soccer tournament that only occurs every 4 years. In overtime, Thierry Henry of France gets away with a blatant hand ball before playing the ball to a teammate for the tying goal. Henry admitted it was a handball and laid it squarely on the head of the referee who didn’t call it. Not sure that is making Ireland feel any better about not participating in the World Cup in South Africa next summer. The best view is at the 0:37 mark, but it might be worth listening to the German(?) announcer just for comedy purposes.
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Another week, another Tennessee football player is arrested. This freshman was shoplifting, which seems fairly innocent compared to the 3 guys busted for attempted armed robbery last week. Lane Kiffin is obviously a pretty good recruiter, as evidenced by his wife, but may not be the best judge of character. He’s transforming Tennessee to the new “U” of Miami, where it was more of a story when a week went by and a Hurricane wasn’t arrested.
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Not to dislocate my shoulder patting myself on the back, but Mike & Mike in the Morning are just now finally talking about the decision in the Jacksonville game. But as those of you who follow this site regularly know, we already covered it on Tuesday.
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I’m not a fan of cats in general. I don’t really understand them. They can’t play fetch, they can’t bring you the newspaper or your slippers, and they can’t protect you. They just lurk around your house or apartment and most of the cats I’ve ever encountered are moody as hell. So a site like this just doesn’t make any sense to me – pictures of cats with stupid captions. Seriously?

NFL Power Rankings - Friends

Sitting in a coffee shop, thinking about this week’s power rankings, and this strange scene unfolds. I’m sitting in the corner, near the front window. This slightly husky, younger Asian girl wearing sweat pants comes in, sits at the next table, and then goes up to the counter to order her drink. She stands right under the sign that says “No Cell Phones In Here, Okay?” while she places her order, then returns to the table, takes out her cell phone and calls her friend to babble on and on, spewing idiocy loudly. Then I hear her drop this gem: “Well, hurry up and get here, I have to tell you about what happened with the crush I had on my hip-hop dance coach.” Wait, what?

And then it gets better. Her friend shows up, a skinnier Asian girl, takes off her shoes, and sits next to Hip-Hop. Hip-Hop closes her computer, and the friend pulls out her Tarot cards and a book titled “Tarot Cards Plain & Simple.” She then starts to shuffle the cards and sets them up as if her and her friend are playing a game of Uno. I don’t know anything about Tarot cards other than they are usually read by strange gypsies, hippies and homeless people. How does this work? If she doesn’t like the fortune she gets for herself or for her friend, does she just reshuffle and play again? I’m so thoroughly confused………..

Trying to rank the teams this week while sitting in a coffee shop reminded of a television show that spent a ton of time in a coffee shop – Friends. It might have actually been a more universally watched show than Seinfeld, and while it was always entertaining, it did not have the timelessness of the show about nothing. Nevertheless, it did have some great characters, and so those will be the categories for this week’s NFL Power Rankings. This week’s biggest gainers are the Redskins and the Jaguars, though for the Redskins, it doesn’t take much to climb above the wreckage at the bottom of the league. The biggest declines this week belong to the Jets and the Bears, which shouldn’t be surprising. On to the rankings…..

The Rachel Green Category (Jennifer Aniston)
Rachel was the spoiled brat on the show, trying to make it on her own and not need her rich, disapproving father’s money. And she was the biggest star on the show, including having her hairstyle “The Rachel” turn into a fashion trend. She was never the smartest, but whether she was working in the coffee shop, or finally working for Ralph Lauren, everyone wanted to root for her success. These are the best teams in the league – the ones that inspire copycat behavior and envy from the rest of the league.

1. Saints (last week: 1) – A very shaky performance against a woeful Rams team had me considering putting the Colts at the top of the heap, but one little slip up doesn’t ruin their entire body of work. Rachel dating that young guy Tag doesn’t take away from her being the best looking girl on the show.

2. Colts (2) – They survived another game in which they really didn’t have any business winning. Yet if you let Peyton Manning hang around long enough, he will get you. And the fact that he scared Bill Belichick into making that awful 4th down call is enough to win him the MVP award already.

3. Vikings (4) – The game with the Lions was closer than the score indicated, but the bottom line is that it was another win, preventing Green Bay from making up any ground in the division. Sidney Rice has become the legit receiving threat they have lacked since Randy Moss left town.

4. Bengals (6) – They out Steeler’d the Steelers on Sunday and now are enough of a stable situation that they can bring Larry Johnson into the fold for rushing game insurance. This is not the same brash, immature Bengals team that was competitive in 2005. This is one of the best teams in the league and they are putting themselves in position to get a bye and at least one home playoff game.

5. Patriots (5) – Belichick’s call was the Friends equivalent of when Rachel and Ross got drunk and managed to slip one past the goalie. There could be some serious lasting repercussions, such as the confidence of the defense, and losing a shot at home field advantage in the playoffs. Yet they have a quarterback who is used to being a single father, so maybe they’re more prepared than we thought.

6. Steelers (3) – Losing Troy Polamalu again will take its toll on the Steelers defense when they were just starting to return to their dominant form. They are still among the league’s elite, but they are probably closer to Rachel at the very beginning of the show, or maybe even before the show, before her nose job. They’re still good enough to get the job done, but they need a little work.

The Joey Tribbiani Category (Matt LeBlanc)
Joey was the most entertaining character on the show. He was definitely the dumbest character on the show, but his stupidity and woman chasing always made for pure entertainment. He was famous for being the Italian stud with the ability to bed chicks by simply asking, “How you doin’?” And yet, when they tried to make a spin off with just Joey, the thing went down faster than Lindsay Lohan on a table full of coke. The best Joey moment of the entire show came early on, before Joey was established as the best character:

7. Chargers (10) – A convincing win over the Paper Eagles combined with another loss from the Broncos and suddenly they are playing for the division lead in Denver on Sunday. They are also looking to avenge an earlier season loss. Pending fatherhood seemed to suit LT pretty well, rushing for almost a hundo with 2 touchdowns to boot.

8. Cardinals (11) – Kurt Warner is playing like a youngster, despite his advanced age. It reminds me of the episode where Joey has to play the part of a 19-year old, and he comes out with a winter hat, Marcus Camby jersey and sagging pants showing his drawers and says to Chandler, “Sup? …..Playin’ playstation is whack! …..Sup with the whack playstation, sup.”

9. Texans (13) – Only an idiot would underestimate the importance of Andre Johnson to the Texans. Just like Joey reminded us that “Only an idiot would wear all this Ferrari gear if they didn’t actually own a Ferrari.” Of course, Joey was just standing next to someone else’s Ferrari, wearing a Ferrari hat, shirt, jacket and driving gloves, pretending that it was his car when he made the statement.

The Pete Becker Category (Jon Favreau)
Pete was the ultra rich guy who pursued Monica, leaving her huge tips when she was working at the restaurant and she had to dress up with huge ti………you know. She tried to like him and his endless money, but no matter what, she just wasn’t into him. Then he decided that he wanted to be the ultimate fighting champion, only to suffer a brutal beat down. I think that fits for both the Cowboys in general and Tony Romo specifically.

10. Cowboys (7) – No matter how hard he tries, and how much money Jerry Jones throws around with the Cowboys, they just can’t get it right and can’t be consistent. They dominate the Eagles in Philly, but then turn around and lay an egg in Lambeau. They’re still the class of the overrated NFC East at this point.

The Chandler Bing Category (Matthew Perry)
Chandler usually played the straight man to Joey’s comedy. Chandler never had too many plotlines built around him, as he was either a pawn in one of Joey’s escapades or he was tagging along with his future wife Monica. He may have been most famous for the fact that his weight would fluctuate more than Jessica Simpson. It was rumored that you could tell whether he was on or off of cocaine based on his weight throughout the show. Much like his weight, these teams have fluctuated between looking like powerhouses (landing Monica) or weaklings (his inability to stand up to the coffee house bullies).



11. Broncos (8) – No one believed the Broncos were as good as their 6-0 record and they’ve worked extremely hard the past three weeks to prove everyone correct. Losing to the pitiful Redskins was as unexpected as Kathleen Turner showing up as Chandler’s cross-dressing father.


12. Falcons (9) – They suffered their fourth road loss of the year and Matt Ryan suddenly is turning the ball over at an alarming clip. Things don’t get any easier for the Falcons with a trip to Giants Stadium this week.

13. Packers (17) – It was an enormous win over the Cowboys, but that just cancels out the enormous loss to Tampa Bay the week before. They used more short drops and quick hits to try and alleviate some of the pressure on Rodgers, which appeared to help. Their defense remains inconsistent – maybe they’re on cocaine like Matthew Perry?

14. Eagles (12) – Another trip to the west coast, another disappointing performance for the Eagles. This is just not a mentally tough team, and I can’t see them going anywhere in the playoffs. Brian Westbrook needs to consider hanging it up for good – consecutive concussions should be enough to scare him from becoming a permanent vegetable in the future.

15. Ravens (14) – They don’t deserve to lose ground in the rankings after shutting out the Browns, but then again, they don’t exactly deserve praise for beating the fat kid in a race.

16. Jaguars (21) – They may be the least impressive 5-4 team in the league, but they have a fairly soft schedule and could potentially be a player in the playoff picture the rest of the year. As I pointed out yesterday, I didn’t like the call to take a knee, but when you win, it cures everything…..except an empty stadium in Jacksonville.

17. Giants (15) – Hopefully the bye week allowed Eli Manning’s heel to heal because his accuracy has went up in the smoke from Chandler’s cigs. The Giants need to rediscover their ground game and get their secondary healthy if they are going to be a player in the NFC East.

The Monica Geller Category (Courtney Cox)
Monica was the neat-freak mother hen on the show. She was always the brains of the girls, and also was freakishly strong. She was an unattractive fat girl growing up, but managed to slim down and turn into a pretty attractive girl, landing Chandler toward the end of the show. These are the teams that started out like that fat girl, but suddenly appear to be much thinner, attractive and capable of making some of the top teams fall for them.

18. Panthers (19) – Has Jake Delhomme got his groove back? He sure did last week, hitting Steve Smith for a couple of TDs, however the loss of left tackle Jordan Gross could be a deadly blow to the running game and Delhomme’s protection. The Panthers are making a late run at saving John Fox’s job and keeping Bill Cowher on ice another year.

19. Titans (20) – You have to love 86 year old Titans owner Bud Adams telling Bills fans “they were #1”, with both authority and with both hands, then accepting the quarter million dollar fine. Maybe he should have used Monica and Ross’s “fists together” salute next time, so people won’t know it’s a cover up for the finger.

20. Dolphins (23) – Miami will be trying to run the wildcat without their primary wildcat quarterback, Ronnie Brown. That will place more pressure on Ricky Williams, and potentially open up opportunities for rookie Pat White.


The Mona Category (Bonnie Somerville)
Mona was Ross’s girlfriend right after he knocked up Rachel, and Rachel’s father comes to find out why Ross won’t marry his daughter. She was yet another woman that was way out of Ross’s league that somehow stayed with him for longer than any sane woman would in real life. She was attractive and eventually exposed as not having much staying power on the show. And that pretty much sums up the Jets at this point.

21. Jets (16) – They are the “Reverse Beer Goggles” – they looked like the prettiest girl in the bar when you walk in, but for some reason, the more you drink, the more you see all of her flaws and you realize she actually resembles Rex Ryan more than Jeri Ryan.

The Richard Burke Category (Tom Selleck)
Richard was Monica’s boyfriend for a long time in the middle of the show. It was always a little strange considering he had to be a good 15-20 years older than Monica and it never seemed right that Monica was dating Magnum P.I. Eventually the writers tired of trying to fit him into a comedy show, and they finally broke up.

22. 49ers (22) – This category definitely fits the 49ers, because their rather pathetic win against the Bears masked the fact that they have been irrelevant since the 80’s – much like Tom Selleck when he was solving crimes in his Ferrari and probably hiding evidence in his sweater-vest chest hair.

The Janice Category (Maggie Wheeler)
The most annoying character in the show with her nasal wailing voice, yelling “Oh…..my……Gawd!” I despised every time she came on the screen and can’t figure out for the life of me why any of the guys in the show would spend even 30 seconds with her. The only thing I can think of is that she was freakishly good in the sack. And I just threw up a little bit in my mouth…….

23. Bears (18) – The perfect category for the Bears – easily the most annoying team led by the most annoying quarterback in the league. In addition to his poor play, Cutler is getting bashed for his body language, pouting, yelling, and staring down teammates after the play. And strangely, people still seem to think he is a franchise quarterback – prompting rumors that the Bears may bring in Mike Shanahan to try and correct Cutler.

The Phoebe Buffay Category (Lisa Kudrow)
Phoebe was always a wildcard on the show. She was a free spirit, a singer in the coffee shop, had an evil twin sister and used to be homeless and hitchhiked across the country. She owned her grandmother’s old taxi, and ended up being a surrogate mother for her estranged brother’s triplets. I never remember them explaining how a rich brat like Rachel, and a square like Monica became friends with such a hippie, and how they never even attempted a romance between Phoebe and any of the guys – Joey, Ross or Chandler.

24. Seahawks (24) – There isn’t a lot to say about the Seahawks. They stink and they have a prematurely balding quarterback with a brother who somehow parlayed an average backup quarterback career into a gig as a talking head at ESPN. I mean, Tim Hasselbeck’s biggest claim to fame is that he’s the wife of Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the girl from Survivor that parlayed that into a gig on The View.

25. Bills (25) – They fired their coach, Dick Jauron. Yeah, that’s going to solve all their problems on the offensive and defensive lines. I wonder if Jauron pulled a Bud Adams on his way out of the team facilities.

26. Redskins (31) – The Redskins are the quintessential Phoebe – they are a general mess, and yet they somehow manage to pull off some short-term success and you start to think that maybe she (they) aren’t all that bad. They beat the Broncos, and have unleashed their punter as one of their most dangerous offensive weapons.

27. Chiefs (27) – Todd Haley and Scott Pioli have petitioned the league to allow the Chiefs to play the Raiders every week. And now the Chiefs lose their best receiver Dwayne Bowe to a 4 game suspension for failing the league’s performance enhancing drug test – allegedly for a diuretic to aid with weight loss in minicamp. That signing of Chris Chambers looks better every week and may help the Chiefs secure the 5th pick instead of the 2nd.

28. Buccaneers (28) – The Bucs have shown a little bit of life with Josh Freeman at quarterback, but at they still have a long way to go. They showed it wasn’t just the creamsicle jerseys that were improving their chances of a second win.

The Ross Geller Category (David Schwimmer)
Ross was the weakest and worst character on the show. The critics would call it brooding, but I call it a whiny little bizzitch. Yet somehow this nerdy, insecure loser ended up with a plethora of chicks from Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), her sister (Reese Witherspoon), Mona (see above), etc. It never made sense how this dude who could only talk about dinosaurs and rocks managed to score as much talent as Joey. In the end, somehow he convinced people that we was who Rachel should end up with, but again, let’s just review the situation – the guy hooked up with a girl the night you had a big fight, hooked up with your sister, and plays with dinosaur bones. If that’s not the definition of a loser, I don’t know what it is.

29. Rams (29) – They put up a valiant effort against the Saints, but it ended up as just another loss in their large pile of losses. Like his dopey t-shirt that he demands back from Rachel, “Frankie Say Relax” and wait for the draft, Rams fans.

30. Lions (26) – They continue to backslide, and it will be better, but at this point, the new coaching staff and the addition of a franchise quarterback have worked out as well as Ross’s teeth whitening or spray tan adventure.

31. Raiders (30) – The Raiders and Al Davis are kind of like Ross’s attempt to rekindle his music with his electronic keyboard. It is absolutely terrible, and a complete embarrassment, yet everyone seems hesitant to tell him how bad he is. Only Phoebe (the football equivalent is the Redskins) thinks he’s really good.

32. Browns (32) – Eric Mangini has been about as successful as Ross in leather pants. In 6 of their 12 years since their reincarnation, they have won 4 games or less. They are the definition of pathetic, weak and tough to root for – just like Ross.