Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Final NFL Power Rankings - Jersey Shore

It’s time for the final installment of the NFL Power Rankings. And this week’s rankings are going to be full of fist-pumps, hair poofs, fake tans, cases of hair gel, fake boobs, and wife-beater tank tops. Those things can only mean one thing…….Jersey Shore. The much-maligned show from MTV where they take reality television to lows that no one thought were possible. Yet, much like a car crash, it’s hard to look away. I mean, at the end of the day, it is entertaining.

The Ronnie Category

Ronnie is the big meathead - they’re all meatheads, but Ronnie is the biggest - with the faux-hawk haircut and aversion to wearing a shirt. He is from the Bronx, and makes the statement in his opening “You never fall in love at the Jersey Shore” and yet by the end of the first episode, he’s entered a relationship with one of his housemates and she’s meeting his parents. Overall, Ronnie - the creator of the “Ron-Ron Juice” cocktail - is thus far the least out of hand guy on the show, and the leader of the group. The teams in this category are the biggest teams with the best chances to go all the way to the championship.

1. Chargers (last week: 1) - The hottest team in the league and for the first time in years, the inevitable LT injury won’t cripple the team.

2. Colts (2) - Any team with Peyton Manning calling the shots has a great chance, but they have to be fearful of the Colts & the Patriots. I don’t buy that crap about how they only won the Super Bowl the year they didn’t rest their starters - if they lose, it’s not because of resting their starters.

3. Vikings (8) - They rebounded well and will not have to play any more games outdoors unless they get to Miami for the Super Bowl. They are the biggest threat in the NFC.

4. Saints (4) - New Orleans has a week to try and regain the momentum they let go with 3 straight losses. They might need some Ron-Ron Juice to get the party started.

5. Packers (6) - The engine is clicking on all cylinders right now, they catch a break with Boldin unlikely to play and they may be the most dangerous team in the NFC not in Minnesota. Would it be sweet revenge to knock off Favre and the Vikings? Kind of like if the Situation somehow swoops in and steals Sammi back from Ronnie?

6. Cowboys (10) - This team has more uppers and downers than the medicine cabinet of a Hollywood starlet or shampoo heiress (too soon?). So after a couple of big wins, we’re all back on the bandwagon, right? Until they lose to the Eagles and Wade Phillips gets booted out of town.

7. Patriots (7) - They do have “Wes Welker Light” in Julian Edelmann, but they will miss one of the best WR in the game. Do you realize Welker had 123 catches in barely over 13 games? They might beat the Ravens, but don’t expect them to beat the Chargers in San Diego.

The Jenni “J-Woww” Category

This girl is a serious firecracker…..well, a firecracker with two watermelons strapped to the front of it. She is a party girl and a complete animal, stating in her intro “after I have sex with a guy, I will rip his f#ckin head off.” Okay then. After watching a few episodes, it’s obvious that she is a complete freak, but at the same time, she’s not a bad person.

Basically, these teams are like J-Woww, they are entertaining and can put on a show, but they have some fake parts that give you legit concerns about their staying power.

8. Cardinals (5) - Matt Leinart is thrilled to be in the J-Woww category - he’s about to invite her to Arizona for the game.

9. Eagles (3) - That was a scary loss last week, where the offense was exposed and the defense was eaten alive. We’ll see how they rebound, but it seems unlikely that this team suddenly grew a pair to allow them to win on the road.

10. Ravens (11) - They have the type of team that can advance in the playoffs with a strong running game and strong defense. Yet they have a tough matchup in Foxboro this weekend.

11. Jets (15) - I would bet J-Woww, a Long Island native, is a Jets fan. Yet, she’s probably never played football or even went for a run because she would give herself two black eyes.

12. Bengals (9) - Like the Eagles, they failed to show up for a game they wanted to win at the start. Didn’t Carson Palmer used to be a prolific passer?

The Mike “The Situation” Category

I am thoroughly entertained by the guy because he claims his abs are so ripped they are a situation. I mean, the guy is a complete scumbag, illustrated perfectly by his reaction after Snooki gets punched in the face. He’s right behind the guy that punches her, and he just stands there and doesn’t do anything, and then when the group is all going home, he’s outside trying to get some random skank to come home with him. Really? Way to be a friend. In addition to being a stripper before coming on the show, I’m pretty sure the guy would try to hook up with a mop if it had a hole. The Situation is much like these teams in that they try to pretend that they are a ladies’ man (contender) but in the end, they struck out from scoring a playoff birth.

13. Panthers (14) - Carolina finished the season strong, but their “Situation” is Jake Delhomme. His ability to turn over the ball is a situation.

14. Texans (13) - Congrats on the first winning season in franchise history. Your prize? No playoffs and your offensive coordinator is leaving for Washington to coach under his father.

15. Falcons (17) - Congrats on the first consecutive winning seasons in franchise history. Your prize? A seat on the couch for the playoffs.

16. Steelers (12) - A leaky offensive line, poor secondary, and a brittle star safety are all part of the situation in Pittsburgh. Letting go of Bruce Arians is the first step in addressing their problems.

17. Titans (16) - Will Jeff Fisher attempt to get out of town if the Cowboys lose and Wade gets canned?

18. 49ers (20) - They got to 8-8 and what does that get them? The same number of girls that The Situation has landed so far - none.

19. Dolphins (19) - Parcells has this franchise pointed in the same direction and has found himself a quarterback in Chad Henne.

The Angelina “Jolie” Category

Jolie came out of the gates with her guns blazing, wearing a skimpy outfit and calling herself the “Kim Kardashian of Staten Island” in her intro. Umm, lady, you are nowhere near Kim Kardashian. And as soon as she got into the mix of the show, we found out she was a lazy, spoiled, c#ck-blocking biyatch. My favorite quote from her was “I’m a bartender, I do great things.“ What does that even mean? Pretty sure that sums up your life. Random side note - she moved in with her stuff in a garbage bag. And when she got kicked out of the house for failing to show up for work, she left with her stuff in the same garbage bag. Seriously? You couldn’t borrow some luggage or a duffel bag at worst? And then you kept the garbage bag to pack your stuff back up to go home? Oh, and we haven’t even covered the issue that her boyfriend whom she breaks up with was some married guy. She is a train wreck.
20. Broncos (18) - Started off the season with a bang - 6-0. Then crashed and burned to an 8-8 finish. More concerning is the state of the franchise: the star WR hates his coach and they don’t have a legit quarterback on the roster.
21. Giants (21) - Ditto the Broncos comment, substituting 5 for 6 wins to start the season. They were weak mentally and worse physically on defense.
The Sammi “Sweetheart” Category
Sammi is the only cast member who is actually from New Jersey. She may be the most normal looking girl in the house, which is kind of like being the tallest midget. She starts out the show “vibing” on The Situation but by the end of the episode is shacked up with Ronnie, and has fallen for him. A complete change of heart for the self-proclaimed “sweetest bi#ch you’ll ever meet.” What does that even mean?
22. Browns (24) - Mangini somehow seemed to have righted the ship and has the support of the team that is left in the locker room. Will Holmgren keep him for one more year and then move himself into the coaching chair?

23. Bears (23) - Fans started the year in love with Jay Cutler, and much like Sammi have had a change of heart. Lovie Smith will be kept as coach since the owners are cheaper than a south side Polish immigrant, but they cut out almost everyone underneath him.

The Vinnie Category

Vinnie is the prototypical mamma’s boy on the show. Pretty dull guy overall, he hasn’t been a leader in any of the skank-chasing, and he seems to show up for work on time. His one contribution thus far has been the demonstration on fist-pumping.

24. Jaguars (22) - We were saved from this horrendous team being in the playoffs thankfully. Now we have to see if the team is sold, if they draft Tim Tebow, and if anyone will care.

25. Bills (25) - Another boring franchise with a ton of holes. Will Bill Cowher be desperate enough to get back into coaching to go to Buffalo? He probably should because each year the shine on that 2006 Super Bowl gets less shiny.

The Nicole “Snooki” Category

She is the pudgy little troll on the show who announced “The party’s here” upon entering the house, then got hammered, semi-naked in the hot tub and passed out before the group could go out for the night. Oh, and then she got punched in the face by a dude. She is awkwardly orange, claims to have made the “poof” in her hair famous, and constantly waddling around trying to get some action from drunken dumbasses that will hate themselves in the morning when they sees the round mound of fun they brought home the night before.

26. Raiders (27) - Well, considering Tom Cable gave one of his coaches the “Snooki” treatment, they have to fit into this category. Something tells me Al Davis calls his coach “Tim” or “Jim” similar to how most of the housemates call Nicole “Snickers” or “Snicky.”

27. Redskins (26) - Wait, they aren’t keeping Jim Zorn? Knocked me on my tail when I heard the news. More on Mike Shanahan tomorrow, but let’s just say I’m not the biggest fan of a guy who has proved over and over again to be mediocre.

The Pauly D Category

Pauly is from Rhode Island and had never been to the state of New Jersey prior to the show. The guy packed a case of hair gel to make sure he had his “blow out” hairstyle ready for the Shore. Pauly is also the guy trying to get an up close examination of J-Woww’s snack trays, and he makes his move by showing her the piercing on his junk. Like Pauly spending 45 minutes on his hair, these teams spent time and money getting prepared for the big night out, bringing in a new coach. Yet in the end, they’re still here at the bottom, trying to get some girl with fake taters to look at his piercing.
28. Chiefs (30) - The Chiefs are boring - so more importantly, Randy Johnson retired yesterday. What is his legacy? The scary looking monster with a mullet who is among the all-time strikeout leaders? The guy who killed the bird with a pitch? Or the guy who yelled at the photographer in NY (great quote “Don’t talk back to me.”) after he signed with the Yankees? I think it might just be the mullet.

29. Seahawks (29) - Huge week for Wisconsin basketball starting tonight when the Badgers head to East Lansing to take on #10 Michigan State, and then Saturday they welcome #4 Purdue to the Kohl Center. A split in these games would be a victory for Bo and his squad.

30. Buccaneers (28) - They were supposedly considering letting Raheem Morris go to get Bill Cowher to coach them. Seems dumb considering they could have went after Cowher last year when they first gave Morris the job. What changed in one year?

31. Lions (31) - A two game improvement from last season got them, drum roll please…………..the second pick in the draft.

32. Rams (32) - They’ve won 6 games in 3 years. The Lions have won 9 games in that time.

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