Degenerate Friday - Super Bowl

Before getting to the game and the gambling, a quick story…….a long while back we covered a few “rules” for the gym like don’t wear sweatpants, use a towel, wear sandals in the shower, etc. One thing we didn’t mention, which I never thought had to be mentioned. Yesterday after I work out, I head into the locker room and as I get close to the lockers, there is a Mexican guy sitting on one of the benches when I hear that unmistakeable sound of a nail clippers!! The guy is clipping his finger nails in the middle of the locker room, with no towel to catch the loose nails or anything!! Talk about disgusting. So of course, I proceed to give him the dirtiest of looks, and shake my head in disgust while muttering “unbelievable” under my breath. I then proceed to spin my lock to get in my locker...

Unfortunately for me, the story doesn’t quite end there. I have a blue lock for the gym – no reason other than that’s what they had at Duane Reade when I bought it years ago. Never gave it a second thought, but over the years I realized it’s kind of nice because you never have to worry about which locker you choose because the blue stands out from the standard black lock. So I go to that blue lock and put in my combination and the lock doesn’t open. I try it again, and nothing. Strange. Keep in mind I had just made a fairly public display of disgust at the nail clipping d-bag. After a fourth failed attempt, I’m starting to feel like I’m the subject of a prank. I look up and realize…..I’m at the wrong locker. My lock (which is slightly beat up) is actually about 5 lockers to the left. Someone else has the exact same blue lock. After making a mini scene about this gross dude, I’m now meekly sliding over to the correct locker assuming that he is getting a little chuckle out of my stupidity.

Oh, and isn’t it typical Los Angeles Clippers style that Mike Dunleavy steps down as coach and the interim coach is a guy named Kim? I mean, it’s worse than a boy named Sue because at least Sue can use the Johnny Cash song. Kim Hughes is the interim coach of the Clippers now. Random fact: Kim played for the University of Wisconsin from 1970 to 1974.

Time to break down the big game on Sunday and answer the question of what is the best bet of the weekend. In most columns you’ll see matchups broken down with the Colts offense against the Saints offense and then a slight advantage to one team or the other. That’s a waste of time because the Colts offense is not competing with the Saints offense. Let’s break it down correctly…………using Wedding Crashers quotes.

When the Colts have the ball….

Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

Peyton Manning is the Wedding Crasher looking to find the tattoo on the lower back of the Saints defense. The Saints needed to blitz to get half of their sacks during the season (17 of their 35 sacks came on blitzes) which means they cannot get enough pressure from just their front four. If you blitz Peyton, he’s smart enough to adjust and has a connection with his receivers allowing him to quickly dump the ball off safely or hit the big play where there isn’t enough coverage. I was going to use the quote with Jeremy Gray (Vince Vaughn) calling out for a “hot route” but the difference is the Colts offense knows exactly what hot route Peyton calls. Darren Sharper is a ballhawk, but can be beaten (as he has been repeatedly during his career) because he overruns plays and bites on fakes trying to make a big play. That will leave the secondary exposed and vulnerable to the big play. In the AFC Championship I thought Pierre Garcon would be the key receiver threat (yeah, pat myself on the back for that one) and in this game I think it’s going to be Dallas Clark. The Saints linebackers, Jonathan Vilma, Scott Fujita and Scott Shanle are not going to be able to stay with Clark. ADVANTAGE: Colts

When the Saints have the ball…

John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.

John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

The Saints offense is built for speed and comfort. When Drew Brees is on his game, he is among the top quarterbacks in the league and can light up a scoreboard like Sack Lodge lit up Jeremy during the family football game. Yet Brees did not appear to be extremely accurate during the NFC Championship game, which is concerning given that the Super Bowl will be played on grass where his receivers will be half a step slower. In addition to the mismatch of Brees against a young Colts secondary that relies upon zones more than tight coverage, the Saints have the ability to pound the ball on the ground. Mike Bell and Pierre Thomas should be able to grind out some tough yards, which could open up the deep ball for Colston or open up space for Reggie Bush. Bush has the potential to make an impact with his running, receiving or kick returns, and will be the determining factor for the Saints offense. ADVANTAGE: Saints

Colts Coach Caldwell vs. Saints Coach Sean Payton

Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!

Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?

Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!

Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.

Jeremy Grey: Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.

No one really knows how good of a coach Jim Caldwell is because everyone assumes Peyton is completely running the team. However, he has managed the team well to get past his decision to rest his starters and forgo a shot at a perfect season. Every player wanted to go for it, yet he has not allowed that to be a distraction from the ultimate goal of a championship. So while it may appear that Peyton tells Caldwell to make him a balloon bicycle, the team does seem to respect him. Sean Payton has spent the week being the “other” Payton involved in the Super Bowl, which is a shame because he is truly one of the best and brightest young coaches in the league. He is completely in sync with Drew Brees and has endeared himself to the New Orleans fanbase like no coach other than Rex Ryan in New York. Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams is a blitzing machine but will have his hands full trying to mix it up against Manning. And unfortunately, his big mouth may have cost the team because now the officials will be ultrasensitive to any “remember me” shots his team puts on the Colts QB, and that penalty could potentially extend a drive or lead to points. I’m favoring Payton over Caldwell, but Williams mouth closes the gap to closer than it should be. ADVANTAGE: Saints

Colts Fans vs. Saints Fans

Jeremy Grey: I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John Beckwith: God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy Grey: Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John Beckwith: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy Grey: Get out there and get some strange ass.

Let’s see, the wild, hard-partying Mardi Gras crowd from New Orleans against the Midwestern wholesomeness of the Colts. And since the Colts were just in Miami for the Super Bowl in 2006, it’s likely that not as many fans make the trek back down to Miami. I’m expecting there to be doublt the number of Saints fans relative to the Colts fans. And let’s not kid ourselves the parties that are present in Miami are much more in line with those in New Orleans than they are to those in Indianapolis. The Saints fans are the long-suffering group that invented the paper bags on their heads to watch the Aints lose over and over again. It is easy to root for the Saints because of that long and sad history. The Colts have been the best team during the decade (in number of wins) and won a Super Bowl just a few years back, so they will not be the crowd favorites. Americans love an underdog story, and the Saints are the underdog story. What a shame for the Saints that they finally make the Super Bowl and their favorite historical quarterback, Archie and their hometown kid who made it good, Eli, have to root against them because of Peyton Manning. The Colts at least gained Kendra Willkinson when they signed Hank Baskett to their bench, so they have that going for them, which is nice. ADVANTAGE: Saints

The Pick….

John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

COLTS (-5) over Saints
I want to root for the Saints, I really do. I also want to be a pimp from Oakland or a cowboy from Arizona. It's just not reality. I like Drew Brees and the way he plays the game. I like Sean Payton and his no nonsense approach similar to the always effective Bill Parcells. The Saints have weapons on offense with Colston, Henderson and Meachem complimenting Reggie Bush. Yet at the end of the day, the experience of the Colts will be the defining factor as much as Peyton Manning. The Saints will be overwhelmed when they step on the field and it will take a couple series for them to find their comfort zone. Unfortunately for them, Manning could have the Colts up 10-0 before the Saints find that groove. I like the Colts to win 37-27.

Other Bets:

Over 57 total points
There will be points, and without Freeney, the Saints will put at least 28 on the board, which makes the over achievable.

Jersey # of the first TD: Over 25.5
This is a bet on the Colts to score first. If the Saints score, it will likely be under (Brees – 9, Colston- 12, Meachem-17, Henderson-19, Bell-21, Thomas-23, Bush-25). Yet I expect the Colts to get on the board early (Addai-29, D. Brown-31, Wayne-80, Garcon-85, Clark-44) – and it won’t be Collie (#17) or Peyton (#18) on a keeper.


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Squirrel is Live From Miami & Overhyped Super Bowl Stories

Before we get to this week's rankings, I have to mention the impressive showing by the Wisconsin Badgers in dismantling Michigan State last night. The Badgers were hot from the field and shredded the Spartan defense all night. There's nothing more satisfying than watching Tom Izzo cry on the sidelines when his team is getting is arse handed to them in every aspect of the game. Izzo is a great coach (5 Final Fours in 11 years speaks for itself), but I have never seen someone cry or whine so much. He doesn't get angry or yell at officials, he just pouts and whines to them. It's really pathetic to watch. Tommy, face it, Bo owns you at the Kohl Center. It's just reality.

It’s ranking time and with the Super Bowl just a few short days away, let’s rank the stories that have been and will continue to be beaten into the ground before kickoff. Starting with the least annoying and ending with the stories that have already been killed and should be let go.

But first, we received word from none other than the Squirrel, who is on location in Miami with a first hand report. Squirrel has officially become the roving reporter for the site after his report from Alabama during the national championship game, and here are a couple of highlights from Miami. It sounds like he’s enjoying himself already.

Let your readers know that Miami is beautiful and that if they are considering making the trip for the Superbowl, it is highly recommended. We got here on media day, which was notoriously rained out.. but things have improved tremendously. Today, my wife and I laid out at the beach, then the pool, then went back to the beach. Its 70s and sunny. Superbowl week in Miami is way better than the National Championship week in Alabama. A few tips: Sunny Iles Drive is one of the shortest paths from the Superbowl to the beach. Sunny Iles drive = MLK blvd. (remember what Chris Rock said about MLK drive? If not, watch this – starting about the 30 second mark.) don't worry, things clear up and you make it to the beach where everything is good. Turn right at the ocean and Southbeach and the rich folks are down there.

95.7 is not the oldies channel, like it is in Milwaukee. If you only speak english, put this at pre-set #1. All Espanol all the time. Love it. We were jamming it in the red mustang convertible driving to the hotel; the locals were impressed. Finally, we saw the Goodyear blimp cruising over Miami beach today. Probably taking some film for footage to show during the game.. So if you see it, be prepared that, unfortunately for us, and those like us, the ratio of banana hammocks to thongs is 1.5 to 1. Maybe its a bad time of year. And to be clear, not many of the aforementioned people should be sporting such items.

Thank you field reporter, Squirrel!! Now on to the overhyped stories for the week:

5 – Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion ad.

This is not the forum to discuss pro-life or pro-choice. I don’t really care what stance you have, it’s your right to have that opinion one way or the other. Tim Tebow also has that right to have an opinion and considering his story (his mother was encouraged to abort her pregnancy due to medical complications and she chose to have the baby, which grew into Tim), how could you blame him for having that stance? The issue is whether the NFL/CBS can control whether to show it. If they open up the lid to this ad, then the next step will be an ad for the opposing view and then we’ll get ads for and against political candidates. It’s a slippery slope away from funny beer and internet commercials that people actually enjoy watching during the game.

4 – Kyle Eckel

I won’t rehash the details here, as Gregg Doyel does a much better job of it here. It’s just a strange story without any clear answers, but if Eckel does anything in the game, Jim Nantz and Phill Simms will beat the story into the ground. Speaking of Jim Nantz, did everyone see his guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother on Monday night? Fantastic. Definitely worth a replay. He came across as funny, and a regular guy, which is the opposite of how he came off during his divorce when his wife accused him of wanting to hang a 15 foot painting of himself in their living room.

3 – Colt’s Shun Perfection

If the Colts win the game, there will be an endless stream of people in the media making the following statement “The Colts won every game they gave full effort in, so they could have went 19-0.” Life doesn’t work like that, people. For all we know, if Peyton had stayed in the game against the Jets, Calvin Pace might have broken free and left a “remember me” shot (thanks Gregg Williams!) on Peyton that could have ended his season. Or maybe Reggie Wayne twists an ankle. Or….you get the point. It's the "Butterfly Effect" in that one little change in the past has huge ripple effects on the future. There is no telling what could or would have happened. The Colts believed resting their players was the best decision to help them win the Super Bowl. If they win on Sunday, that resting decision was the best decision they could have made. That’s all that matters.

2 – Dwight Freeeney’s Ankle

I’m not saying his ankle isn’t a huge deal in determining who will win the game. He is the best player on the fast Colts defense and his ankle will slow him significantly if he is able to play at all. I just don’t want to hear about it on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday and Saturday. It is not going to heal overnight. It’s just not. Anyone who has busted up an ankle like this is well aware of how little changes in 1 day. Yet we’re going to get doctors, witch doctors, psychics and that guy who sings “Pants on the Ground” to weigh in on whether Freeney will be able to play. Speaking of gruesome injuries, check out the picture of Brett Favre’s ankle after the NFC Championship. While I don’t like him as a person, you cannot argue with the dude’s toughness.

1 – Kim’s Boyfriend, Reggie Bush

We get it, Kim Kardashian is a star because she looks great in a dress or a bikini. Wait, has she ever done anything to be famous other than make a sex tape with Brandi’s little brother, Ray-Jay? Well, her step-father is Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner, does that make her famous? Nope, not really. Has she acted? Nope. Anyway, we’re going to get bombarded with stories about whether her and Reggie are going to get married, and plenty of shots of the entire Kardashian crew traveling to the game together. The real story is whether Reggie can have an impact on the game the way he did against the Cardinals. Because if he does, there is a chance the Saints will give him a nice fat contract extension. If he doesn’t, it’s going to raise questions on whether he is worth the investment and the Saints could cut him loose from their backfield which already contains solid backs like Pierre Thomas and Mike Bell.

Tuesday Ramblings - Awards Show!

The Oscar Nominations came out today which means people with even more free time than me will be trying to argue whether computer generated 3-D is more impressive than movies set in reality with people doing mostly realistic things. I haven’t seen Avatar – yes, I’m one of the 5 who haven’t – and I don’t have any desire to see it. The whole 3-D thing is not of interest to me, and I’m not a science fiction fan, with the exception of Star Wars, so I probably will never see it.

Anyway, so how do I link that to today’s post? How about handing out some awards for the NFL Playoffs thus far? Sure, why not? And since we’re holding our own awards show, I’ll make sure to invite Katy Perry to the show, just for entertainment for you. You’re welcome.

Best Performance – Male: Peyton Manning – QB Colts

This one is more of a slam dunk than Jerry Rice being elected to the Hall of Fame on Saturday. Manning went through two of the toughest defenses in the league in Baltimore and the Jets on his way to the Super Bowl. Even if the Ravens and Jets were the #5 and #6 seeds, they were the most physical teams in the playoffs, and Manning was masterful in dissecting them. The only thing left for him to do is to claim the Lombardi trophy on Sunday night. He’s marching his way up the list of all-time quarterbacks (as we discussed last week).

Best Supporting Performance – Female: Kim Kardashian

Whatever she did to motivate Reggie Bush before the playoffs started seemed to work. Whether the alleged threat of marriage to Kim was a motivator or not can be debated, but something got into him against the Cardinals and he looked like that guy with an extra gear that he was during his career at USC. Kim will be at the Super Bowl this weekend, and I’m sure that we’ll be treated to numerous shots of her up in a luxury box, wearing her Saints gear and rooting for her own ring to match Reggie’s Super Bowl winning ring.

Best Director: Rex Ryan – NY Jets

The outspoken, rotund coach of the Jets got his team to believe that they were the best team in the playoffs and advanced further than no one but him thought was possible. While he fell short of the ultimate goal of getting to the Super Bowl, he had a rookie quarterback, a rookie running back and a wide receiver who couldn’t catch the ball. He was basically the equivalent of that guy who made Napoleon Dynamite – a cast of nobody actors and actresses that somehow turned into one of the funniest movies of the decade.

Worst Best Performance: Adrian Peterson – RB Vikings

Another slam dunk that is almost as sure of a bet as whether there will be fireworks in Chicago between perpetually angry Mike Martz with his perpetually pouting quarterback, Jay Cutler. Peterson busted off over 100 yards and 3 TDs against the Saints, yet all anyone wanted to talk about was his penchant for fumbling. He is on the verge of losing his standing as the best running back in the league. If they gave out this award in movies, Megan Fox would win every year. There is no worse actress who still gets roles in bad movies.

Fastest Deterioration from a Franchise QB to a Mediocre Game Manager: Carson Palmer – QB Bengals

This was a guy that in his 2nd through 5th year in the league averaged 4,000 yards and over 28 touchdowns per season. Yet this year he barely threw for over 3,000 yards and in the playoffs against the Jets, he threw for 146 yards. What happened? I get the knee injury which cost him a full season of trying to get back to full strength but he doesn’t even resemble the same strong-armed quarterback with a pocket presence that he was when he came into the league. This would be the Jennifer Lopez award for someone that gained attention with one aggressively cut dress, and continues to try and convince people she’s talented, when we all know the truth.

Best Performance Blowing Team’s Chances: San Diego Chargers

So, you’re getting ready to play the best defense in the league in the divisional playoff game on your home field. How would you stay focused? Get a little extra film session in to make sure you are ultra-familiar with the Jets extensive blitz packages? Spend some quality time with your family to relax and allow yourself to conserve energy? Or head over to the Pure Platinum club and get boozed up with strippers? Yeah, we know what the Chargers chose, and that couldn’t have helped prevent them from choking against the Jets.

Biggest Disappointment – Team: New England Patriots

Before this season, there were a couple of things that appeared carved in stone: You don’t beat Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in New England during the playoffs. You don’t bet against Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in the playoffs. You don’t question any decisions by Bill Belichick on the field. All of those came crashing down this year, from the failed 4th and 2 against the Colts, Brady looking awful in the playoffs and the Patriots bowing out after losing at Gillette Stadium. It will be interesting to see where they go from here. Basically, they’re Jennifer Anniston after Friends ended and she was in a couple of poor movies like Rumor Has It. Are the Patriots going to bounce back and like Jen, look better with age?

Most Expected Meltdown that Somehow Surprised Us But Should Not Have: Philadelphia Eagles

Let’s see, we have the worst clutch quarterback with a winning record and the worst clutch playoff coach in history going on the road against a divisional rival. And this same team had already lost in Oakland earlier in the year. Yet somehow we were convinced that the Eagles might actually have a chance against the Cowboys? Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb have made careers of collapsing in the playoffs and coming up short in big moments. Yet somehow the Eagles tempt us like John Mayer with all of the starlets in Hollywood (& now Nashville as it is rumored he’s seeing Taylor Swift). And it ends the same way, tears and disappointment.

Best Dramatic Performance: Cardinals beating Packers in Overtime

This was the best game of the playoffs, without question. There were a ton of blow outs in this year’s playoffs, but this one was not one of them, despite the Cardinals jumping out to a 21 point lead early. There were huge plays, controversial calls and non-calls, and tremendous performances from both quarterbacks. Obviously as a Packer fan, the result was crushing for me, yet taking the fan side of things and putting it aside, this game was beyond entertaining to watch.

Weekend Hangover - Love/Hate

LOVE

- We discovered the key to life at brunch yesterday with a group of friends. We decided that if you want the world to be your oyster, you really only need to have three talents: (1) be good at charades, (2) be good at shotgunning beer, and (3) be good in bed. I mean, if you have that, I think the world is your playground. And that discussion may or may not have taken place after our 5th cocktail. So there’s your roadmap to success, now get out there and practice kids!

- Mark Sanchez is now tied for the most playoff wins by a Jets quarterback with two. Drew Brees has the only wins in Saints playoff history. That gives you a sense of two of the franchises that will be playing in the conference championship games this weekend. The other two quarterbacks have slightly more playoff experience – maybe you’ve heard of them? Favre and Manning.

- The Colts probably should have knocked the Jets out of the playoffs before they got in. Karma brings the Jets back to Indy with a renewed sense of confidence and momentum. You have to believe the Bengals and Chargers are wishing they would have played the Texans rather than Rex’s hard-charging Gang Green.

- Brett Favre is playing better than he ever has in his entire career. He has 37 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions including the playoff game. The first touchdown pass he threw to Sidney Rice could not have been placed in a better spot if Favre was right next to him. I’m pretty sure he was singing “Just the Two of Us” in the locker room after the game. Well, maybe not. But he is playing better than even when he was going to back-to-back Super Bowls with Green Bay.

- Reggie Bush may have finally realized how to play in the NFL. The guy is a great athlete and he may have finally figured out that he has the ability to lower his shoulder and just plow forward on some plays and use his incredible video game moves on other plays. He played with a purpose and ran over Cardinals defenders on some occasions and stopped and cut on a dime for the next move. There was one screen pass where he caught the ball, and put on the brakes and cut back, leaving two Arizona defenders diving at air. If he can play like that, not only will the Saints have a great chance at winning the Super Bowl, but he will have a better chance of getting a big payday when his contract is up. And maybe we’ll finally talk about him for something other than his girlfriend.

HATE

- The Chargers choked. And not just Nate Kaeding for missing 3 field goals. Phillip Rivers was not clutch and Norv Turner lived up to his awful reputation in big games. Why did he go with an onside kick? Had he kicked it deep, on that 4th and 1, the Jets would have been deep in their own territory and would have had to punt. Once again, Norv proved that he does not have what it takes to take a team to the championship.

- Can we please stop the retirement talk as soon as a team loses in the playoffs? Kurt Warner, LaDanian Tomlinson, Ed Reed, etc. all may have played their final games. Give them some time to let their emotions calm down, let their bodies heal up a little, and let them talk with their families. Then again, if you’re Kurt Warner, maybe you need a job to keep you out of the house and away from that hair. (And the streak continues) They’ve all been great players, give them time to figure out what they want to do.

- Keith Brookings is a clown. Yes, it was aggressive that the Vikings threw the ball on 4th down with 2 minutes left in a blow out. Yet we celebrate the players for playing hard the entire game – that includes the last two minutes. So the Vikings did exactly that – they played to the final whistle. And Brad Childress can only coach his team. If the Cowboys are not able to stop the Vikings, that’s a Cowboy’s problem, not a Vikings problem. You’ve been getting your ass handed to you all day long, Keith. Don’t compound it by trying to talk to the Vikings bench and spouting off to the media after the game. You sound like a whiny little biyatch. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I was watching Grey’s Anatomy because you were whining more than Ellen Pompeo.

- Think Arizona is looking for a defensive coordinator today?

- C’mon Brett you pansy. Crying in the post game presser after WINNING the game? A blow out game at that. Honestly – you’re such a drama queen. Grow up.